Thinking of Death

Another day of summer has passed. I've had a pretty awesome week so far, but I've been feeling kind of off. I don't feel like myself. I've been quite happy for the past few days and I've had a lot of fun, but there's something that I can't seem to shake from my mind: DEATH. (Yes, I felt it was necessary to put in all caps.)

I can't understand why I've been thinking about death, especially when I haven't been upset or afraid. Thinking about death doesn't necessarily mean that a person is depressed or scared, because I've been perfectly content for some time now. Sure, I've been bored, but not unhappy. The reason I find this sudden contemplation of death to be so odd is because my mind wandered to it when I was in a good mood, when I was happy.

On Monday, June 25th, I had an amazing afternoon. I was so cheerful during that time and yet death was on my mind at one point. I didn't feel lonely or broken. The people who were around me had nothing to do with what I was thinking. They never said a word concerning the matter, at least not that I can remember. Why was I thinking about death in the company of those two people? Those two who will never fully understand what they, among a handful of others, helped give back to me...why around them? 

I'm not surprised or shocked to be thinking about death. Actually, it seems very fitting according to events that have occurred recently. Though I can't answer my previous question, I believe I know why Death has decided to take up residence in my mind. Due to all of the fun I've been having and how everything has seemingly returned to whatever normal was and is, I seem to be forgetting the friend I almost met. 

Two sides of the same coin

The words that I say now will undoubtedly sound ridiculous to me later, seeing as I am writing this post past 1 in the AM. I needed to let this out though. This is subject to being deleted at a later time.

Stuff

It's been a few days since I've shared so I guess I'll scrape together some stuff to say now. Summer is boring and fun like it always has been. There have been fun days and boring days. I don't know how I ever got through the previous summer. Summer feels like it'll never end, but I know that time will start passing quickly now that I've said that.

Alley and Taylor came over on Tuesday and Thursday. On Tuesday, we watched some Nabari no Ou and part of Mulan. On Thursday, they brought some video games just to show me what they were. We finished Mulan, chatted, and lazed around. I felt kind of bad because I'm extremely boring. 

SAT scores came back. True to my feeling, I did improve, but only by the slightest bit. I just keep wasting money. I'm not expecting anything great to come out of my third try, but it would be nice to not feel like such an incompetent fool. In addition to SAT scores, report cards came too. My GPA is finally what I've wanted it to be, but I suspect that's only because I was enrolled in four classes for my junior year. I need to maintain my GPA, it's all I have going for me. What's so great about having a high GPA though? Why do I feel like I need it? Did I want it for me or to impress someone else? 

Anyway, I've started to talk to a few of my cousins again, via Skype and Yahoo Messenger. I stayed up until almost two in the morning chatting with them. I went over to my aunt's house yesterday and today. I absolutely love her cooking. While I was at my aunt's house today, I realized something: I don't like curry; the little person inside my head laughed at that thought because the only reason I remembered that little fact was because my aunt had made curry. After eating, I went upstairs with Rabia and we played Uno. Usama came in and every now and then to talk. I found humor in a lot of what he said so I started laughing. He finally noticed that I laugh very easily. Sumyya came in after a while and turned on the TV. We (Sumyya, Rabia, and I) ended up watching almost two episodes of How I Met Your Mother. It's a funny show. 

I'd like to add that I've been on Netflix quite a bit...and I started watching Pretty Little Liars not too long ago. Don't judge. I just like the drama and ridiculousness of it all, plus it's kind of interesting to me. Basically, I'm trying to make it sound like I don't really like it when I actually do. Don't be disappointed in me, pleaseeee. In addition to that, I started watching Avatar: The Last Airbender today. I should have watched that show when my cousin told me to, he was right about it being a good show. I've been on Netflix way too much, but I can't help it. It's all I feel like doing to pass the time. I think that's why I'm getting dumber...okay, I'm done for now. Later!

Brain Dump

I have a lot on my mind at the moment. I don't know if it is normal for me or not. I've been overly emotional for the past few days. I'd like to blame that on my medication, but I can't blame my emotions on my medication forever, especially when I'm not even on steroids anymore. No, whatever I'm feeling is a result of my mind wandering and searching. Why is my mind wandering and what am I searching so desperately for? I still don't know yet. This entire post is going to be a jumbled mess of thoughts, more so than usual so I apologize in advance. 

I was thinking about my DCM friend, Carol, today. I've been thinking of her every now and then. She hasn't emailed me lately. I've been meaning to email her, but I don't want to keep giving her my life story. It's not fair to her. I wonder how she and her family are doing, especially her grandson. She tells me about his life when it relates to what I say to her. I should email her soon and make sure everything is okay. 

There's something important that I still haven't done. I need to send a letter to my donor family. It's absolutely necessary that I write to them this summer. I want them to know how grateful I am for the decision they made. I don't mean to open up their wounds, but I need to reach out to them. I need to know about the girl whose death gave me my life back. I need to know about her.

I was thinking about sleeping early tonight. Early meaning before 2 in the AM. I'm still awake though. Like I mentioned already, I've been overly emotional. I don't know why. Maybe it's just who I am. If that's the case, then I hate that about myself. Anyway, I wanted to sleep early because I was starting to feel depressed. Then, I noticed that Casey had texted me. Her text prompted me to stay awake and blog instead. 

I've been feeling a mixture of sadness and jealousy for a while. I feel unwanted by certain people. It's almost as though I'm not good enough to be friends with them. I'm jealous because I'm not needed in their lives. I could run away and those people wouldn't care one bit. They wouldn't wonder where I've gone or if I'm even safe. I've realized that we cross paths with many people in life and walk with them for some time on the same path. The sad truth is that we often go our own way without ever walking down another path together again. And then we wonder if our loyalty meant anything at all. 

Casey and I talked about dreams via text messaging. Her dreams are strange, but they seem to be in the norm, whatever that may be. I'm glad I can remember dreams after I wake up, but the details, the most important ones at that, often become fuzzy for me. I'd like to believe that I write down my dreams correctly according to what happens in them, but I can never be entirely sure.

I like dreaming. Lately, I've wanted to stay in my dream world instead of living in the real world, where I've been riding a coaster of silly emotions. Dreams are lovely and sometimes much better than reality. In dreams, anything and everything is possible. Of course, that should hold true for reality as well, but I don't think it does since we are limited by ourselves and those around us. Dreams are special for many reasons, but I'll just give a few. Unlike real life, you can see anyone in dreams, including those who are no longer of the real world, here on Earth. Another wondrous thing about dreams is that they can take place in any setting and even in any colour; I have yet to dream in black and white or anything else besides full colour. I think I hear sounds within my dreams because I sometimes remember things that seem to have been said. Maybe dreams are like movies with the sound turned off and the captions turned on. I've always thought that dreams were interesting, kind of like a second life. Truthfully, I sometimes enjoy my second life better than this one.

I feel better now, much cleaner. I'm sure there's plenty of junk left in my brain that I forgot to sweep out. When it comes to be too much, I'll clean up again. Right now, I'm ready to sleep and see if I can dream. Even if I don't dream tonight, it'll be okay since Alley and Taylor will be coming over. I can't wait to see them.

A Flower Waiting for Death

What am I holding on to? A person? The person's expressions? The memories? 

I guess the better question is why am I holding on? I can't make the person care when I know for a fact that I mean absolutely nothing. Why am I trying to mean something? Why am I trying to reassure myself? Why am I still listening? Why can't I tell whether this person is a true friend or just someone set to hurt me for fun? I don't understand. 

This friendship, it blossomed in spring. Now it's trying to withstand the summer heat. By autumn, it will probably be dead; in fact, I kind of hope for it to be dead. And when winter comes around, it will have vanished entirely. It will be as if it never existed. Would it be better to kill the flower now, instead of waiting for it to gradually shrivel up and die? I wonder.

What prompted this? It was a nice day outside. I was just standing in place and staring around when the thoughts started flowing in. I need to go outside more often and spend time alone so I can think more.

Veer-Zaara

Out of all of the Bollywood movies I've seen, this is one of my favorites. Veer-Zaara is such a beautiful love story. It was definitely worth my tears; and I really enjoyed the songs, not just for the sound but for the meaning as well.

I'm not going to go in depth as to what the movie is about, but it was different from what I was expecting. It's still slightly typical since it involves a sudden blooming romance between an Indian guy and a Pakistani girl. Unlike other forbidden love stories, this one ended with the two lovers being together.

There was one aspect in particular that I really loved about this movie. It's a love story that occurs and lives on, without involving the partition. That's why I love this movie so much. It has nothing to do with the partition, it's all about love and how it shouldn't matter whether Veer is an Indian or Zaara is a Pakistani. It's not only a love story, but a story of acceptance. Both Veer and Zaara come to see each other's country as their own.

Although, I'm still bothered by the flaws present in the movie. The two lovers don't even have the same religion. Then again, love knows no religion. It felt more like Zaara drifted away from the religion she had because of love. Technically, her marriage would not be valid from a religious perspective...but this is just a movie, of course. Still, I wonder if something like this may have happened at one point in time.

Movies like this make me even more of a hopeless romantic. I'm not just going to happen upon a guy who likes me. We're not going to sing and dance in a field of flowers or anything like that. That brings me to this question: aren't there bees among the flowers? If you did that in real life, wouldn't you just get stung like crazy? Back to my point, I sometimes wish love worked like it does in certain movies. I don't know what it feels like to love someone or to have someone love me. I'm still too young to understand love. Perhaps when I'm older I'll understand. Okaaaayyyyyy, I'm done sounding like a teenage girl.  

My Recent Visit to the Hood Away from the Hood

I had an appointment in Baltimore this morning so my dad and I stayed with a friend of his last night. His friend has three children: 1 baby girl and 2 little boys. Seeing the three of them reminded me of how much I love kids. I love that at such a young age they already have their own personalities, not to mention that they're super cute. They're full of energy and very entertaining to watch. I felt awkward, but that's how I usually am around kids. I was happy to see them, but also sad too. The three of them reminded me that I'll never be able to have kids, but that's another topic altogether. 

Before my appointment, I had to get blood drawn. Call me crazy, but I really like getting my blood drawn. I'm used to the way it feels. When I was "living" in the hospital, it bothered me sometimes because I was sick of constantly being poked. I'm glad I don't get stuck every single day anymore, but it kind of feels nice to be reminded of the pain that I once felt. I know that it sounds kind of twisted, but I am who I am. And who I am just happens to like needles. I don't think there's anything wrong with that.

My appointment went pretty well, extremely well actually. I saw Dr. Scheel (my cardiologist aka The Boss), Peggy (one of the nurse practitioners who works with my cardiologist; she's amazing), Dawn (the social worker of the team; she's great), Katie (one of the nurses I had on the 9th floor; she's so sweet), and a few other people that my dad and I know. It was such a great feeling to see Peggy. I was so happy to see her that I almost cried; it felt so good to hug her. Seeing Dawn was great too. She always makes me laugh with her stories and the things that she says. I was so surprised that I ran into Katie because I wasn't expecting to. I'm a little disappointed that I didn't get to go up to see the new and improved PICU since it was my first time in the new building and I really wanted to see who was working today, but I'll see the PICU with Peggy next time, I hope. The best thing about my appointment was hearing that I'm free of taking three medications now. Staying healthy pays off kiddos! 

Anyway, the new building, the new Children's Center, is huge! It's unfamiliar to me because today was the first time I've ever been in the building. The building is absolutely gorgeous on the inside. Everything is so spaced out so it definitely gives a good workout.  The furniture is so vibrant and colourful, the walls are decorated with paintings with lots of colours here and there, and even a few of the elevators are coloured! It was really pretty. Next time that I'm there, I'll take a picture of the ginormous red loop-de-loop thing, it was so cool! Even though it looks much nicer and more appropriate now, I don't ever want to be an in-patient ever again. I hope that the only two reasons I go there are for appointments and biopsies.

Side Note:
-The Hood = Brooklyn
-The Hood away from the Hood = Baltimore
-I am not even joking...

Another Friendship Thing

Most of us belong to more than one circle; by circle, I don't necessarily mean clique. I mean that we all have different groups of friends. We have the friends that we are always nice to, the friends we can insult, the friends we spend a lot of time with, etc. 

The different circles bother me sometimes. I'm bothered by how I can never be in some of the circles that I wish to be in. I don't care to try anymore though. I'm not going to force my way into other circles anymore. I'm not going to try to find a permanent spot in places that I don't belong and never will belong in. I know when people don't want me and when I don't fit in. 

Where am I going with this? Who really knows? I just needed to let this out of my brain. I'll probably read this over again later and question what was wrong with me when I wrote it. Time to do math homework...or at least look over the homework.

Netflix Movies

I've been spending far too much time on Netflix watching romance movies. I'm a hopeless romantic, always have been and always will be. I'm starting to like movies more. I don't like watching them alone or so I thought. 

In the past three days, I've watched four movies. All four of them deal with romance in some way or another. I already dedicated an entire post to The Red Violin. I mentioned Songcatcher in my last post, where I was pissed off. Songcatcher was a nice movie; I like ballads a lot more now. It also rekindled my love of nature. 

Bride Flight was a nice movie also. Three Dutch brides-to-be meet this cowboy on an airplane to New Zealand. The cowboy is a special guy to all three of them because he changes their lives. It sort of got a bit steamy with the romance at one point, but I still liked the movie a lot because each girl faces their own set of pains and struggles. I have to say that I really liked how the cowboy, Frank, and one of the girls, Ada, stay in touch through letters. 

I just finished watching Partition. Now, this is a movie that I have every right to criticize. It takes place during the time period of the partition. Basically what happens is a Sikh soldier finds a Muslim girl, they fall in love, get married, have a child, the girl finds out her family is alive and she goes back to Pakistan, her family won't let her leave to go back to India to see her husband and son, her husband comes to get her, and when it seems like it's all going to end happily...he dies. Typical. There's no way that story would ever have had a happy ending anyway. Sorry for spoiling the whole movie but I doubt you were going to watch it anyway. It's like a Romeo and Juliet situation. Forbidden love never works out. Is there one story of forbidden love that ends happily? I'd really like to see one.

I didn't really like Partition that much. The only thing I liked about it is that I could feel the pain. I honestly don't know much of the history behind the partition but it still hurts. It hurts to think about because it was real. A few years after my father was born, the partition took place; yes, my father is, as most of you would say, an old man. Kind of irrelevant, but my family is from Lahore...so close to the border. I don't exactly have the right to say this, but the movie does hit home for me.

Out of the four movies I've watched, The Red Violin is still my favorite. This is really sad...I need to stop watching movies on Netflix. I need to get out of the house.

The Red Violin

I was on Netflix late last night because I was bored. I was initially going to watch another episode of Roswell, but I didn't feel up for it and instead browsed through the romance section. That was when I found it: The Red Violin. 

It's not one of those cheesy, typical romance movies, but it's still a romantic tale. The Red Violin is told in an interesting way. It's in chronological order with a few flashes here and there tied to the past and present. I can't find the words to explain what the movie is about without giving it away or causing people to lose interest. I will say this though, it is now one of my favorite movies. 

The Red Violin has given me an appreciation for the violin and I've come to the realization that the violin is truly a beautiful instrument. However, I don't wish to play it. I would not be well suited to play it. 

I said that I wouldn't explain the movie, but I kind of lied. There are some points of the 1998 movie that I want to highlight. I really loved the usage of the tarot cards in the explanation of the red violin. Each story was done well. Although, I must say that I thought the third story was odd; I wasn't aware that musical inspiration could be conjured up by sexual means. My favorite story was the first, when the violin was crafted, when Anna heard her future from Cesca. I never realized where the lovely red colour (it's prettier when it's spelled with a 'u') of the violin came from until the movie neared the end; I thought that was an amazing scene. The violin playing almost constantly throughout the movie was a very nice touch.

I may not be a good critic when it comes to movies, but I do know that this one was absolutely exquisite in both the story and the music. This movie was a true love story. Even if you're not passionate about music, I'd still recommend the movie. I'm sorry that I cannot explain the movie, it's one of those that you have to watch to understand. Well, that's all my opinion of course.

Passionless

Passionless

adjective

not feeling or moved by passion;  cold or unemotional; calm or detached 

I keep thinking about this word: passionless. I feel like a passionless person, but not by the given definition. I am passionless in another way. 

I don't have a great love for anything. I sometimes wonder if I even have actual hobbies or if I just partake in certain activities because my boredom gets the best of me. I am honestly a boring person. 

I enjoy music. I'm drawn to it by sound and/or meaning. I'm not passionate about it though. Slowly and ever so slightly though, I'm becoming more interested in it. I want to learn how to play an instrument, particularly the piano. This is partly due to a friend, a very good friend.

The same goes for writing. Writing is a nice way for me to express myself. I like the way certain words look and sound. There is no passion there though. I don't write as often as I used to, which is probably why my vocabulary is so plain and lacking. I guess I gave up on writing.

I don't even think that I have a passion for the medical field. While it does amaze me, I don't think I love it. Maybe I did at one point. I have friends who would gladly argue with me on this. I've always spoken of becoming a doctor. As a result, I've kind of brainwashed myself into thinking that's my destined career. 

I'm not a very passionate person in this sense. This is what makes me boring. I don't have anything that I really love to do. *YAWN* I'm bored...

EDIT: This is for you, Claire. I enjoy anime and reading like I do music and writing, but not to the point where it is a passion. Maybe they used to be passions, but not anymore. 

 

Brooklyn, NY

I miss it. A lot. I haven't been there in a while. I can't even remember the last time I was there. I usually go when I'm on breaks. It's summer now. I'm 99% sure that I won't be going this summer. I understand the reasons why I won't be able to go, but that doesn't mean that I accept them. Part of me grew up there and it would be a shame if I couldn't go back there while I'm still young.

Why do I love Brooklyn, New York so much? I have a few reasons for that. I have family living there, that's my major reason. It's strange to say but I like the way it feels, smells, and looks. Okay, maybe not the smell since I can't recall that. I can distinctly recall the smell of food cooking, does that count? 

I've always felt free in Brooklyn. I've never understood why though. My cousins and I always try to go to the park whenever I visit. It's nothing like the park near my house, it's bigger and has more playing equipment, but doesn't hold as many memories. One of my favorite things to do when I visit is go walking around outside late at night. Of course, I could never go walking by myself. There's way too many sketchy, creepy people wandering around at night. I have thought about it before and if I'm crazy enough I will do it someday. Someday, I'll walk those streets all by myself...and then with my fortune probably get jumped.

Whenever I visit Brooklyn, I almost always reach there late at night. I purposefully wake up if I happen to be sleeping or force myself to stay awake to see the lights. The brightness of the city at night still mesmerizes me. The sight of the tall buildings tells me that I'm home. Brooklyn is home away from home. I love it there. 

I think it's been about 10 years or so since I first went there. But it's been months since I've been. I want to go back soon. So many complications have come up making it harder and harder to go. But I want to go back. I want to breathe in that polluted air. I want to see my family. I want to stay up until 3 or 4 in the morning. I want to talk and play. I want to go to the library. I want to be free again.

My Seniors Graduated!

Tonight was the night of Sherando's graduation of a very special class, class of 2012. My seniors graduated tonight. And now I am officially a senior in high school. 

I was expecting to cry tonight and I almost did especially when the seniors walked out and that typical graduation song was playing. I used to think that the song sounded sad, but not as much anymore. There's something more to that song. It gave me a sense of hope and reassurance. Most of all though, it made me even prouder of my seniors. I'm not upset anymore and I'm not going to be sad about their graduation anymore or my own for that matter. One of the speeches actually made me reach that conclusion. 

The valedictorian speeches were really great and certainly met my expectations as I knew they would. Deepak's speech was really sweet and touching, with a bit of humor added in here and there. His speech made me feel both happy and sad. Strangely enough though, his speech wasn't the one that made me truly come to terms; although, he is the person who has taught me how to move on.  

It was Abhinav's speech that made me understand. There was so much truth behind his words. He said something like, "Don't let high school be the peak of your life." After I heard Abhinav say that, I whispered "thank you Abhinav" because I needed to hear that. High school is fun but there's more in life to look forward to, that's what Abhinav made me realize. I want to look back on my high school years in the future and be happy but I don't want them to be my only happy years. Don't worry Deepak (Tomy), I still liked your speech better because there was more warmth to it.

I'm glad I got the chance to see the seniors that I really wanted to see. Right after the ceremony ended, I only had a few seniors on my mind that I had to see. When I got onto the field, I didn't know where to go. And then I saw Elizabeth. I got a picture with Elizabeth and Andy, separately of course. I hugged both of them, Holly, and Deepak (Tomy); and said congratulations to all of them and Abhinav. I called Deepak (Tomy) a jerk a few times, but I meant it lovingly and he better know that. I was really happy that I was able to catch Andy tonight. I was afraid that I wouldn't. It was really hard to find him...and it was really hard to find Haley. You'd think that finding a ginger would be easy, but it's not when you have a big crowd and she's nowhere in that crowd. Even Taylor couldn't find her. 

Now, I wait for my turn. I wait to take my final walk through Sherando and say goodbye. I wait to hear my name being called...and probably pronounced wrong. I wait to receive my diploma. I wait to hug my friends and take pictures with them to remember our night. And I wait in anticipation to see what will come next, to see where I will go in life, and to see who I will become. Even after I graduate, I intend to come back to Sherando just to say hello to the teachers who made it worth my while. It's strange that I've made this realization a year earlier. I'm no longer sad or afraid. I owe that to the two wonderful valedictorians of the Class of 2012.

Congratulations Class of 2012. You're all amazing. I'm very fortunate to have known you guys. I know that you all have bright futures ahead of you. I can't wait to see what you accomplish. You will be missed dearly, fellow warriors.

The End of Junior Year

Today was the last Day 2 of my junior year. First block, everyone just chatted. I snapped a few pictures. And Jordan inspired us all; he's such a kindhearted guy. Second block, we watched Hercules, haha. During 5th period, I went to study hall for a bit then went to take my meds. I met DeAndre in the hallway as I was walking back towards my study hall and we went to the library. Gee joined us after a short time and we discussed our plans for hanging out after school with everyone; I had to call Alley and be sure of the plan, haha. Then Brittany and Sarah appeared out of nowhere. It's been so long since I've seen Sarah so I was really happy to see her, but her hugs really hurt. I went to chat with Mrs. Strosnider during 6th period like I usually do. Then last block, I got to relive a part of my freshman...that photosynthesis song by N-Science, haha. Overall, my last day of junior year was great...but not as great as what followed.

A group of friends and I met up at Sherando Park to hang out, basically just eating, chatting, and playing around. The people who were there (at one point or another) were: Alley, Taylor, DeAndre, Gee, Kaira, Jack, Lauren, Megan, Hubert, Cali, and Cristian. Megan and Lauren didn't end up staying for the food, they went to Kasey's house instead. While everyone else went off to shop for the food and stuff, Megan, Gee, Lauren, and I were chatted about some stuff. The four of us saw Jon and Kyle; Jon was biking and Kyle was skateboarding. I shouted something like "Hey losers!" to them and then Jon said something about how they weren't losers, haha. I fixed that by saying, "I love you guys" to them.

Later on, I watched Cali, Cristian, Hubert, and Jack play Ninja. It was really funny. Alley and Taylor jumped in for the second round. Then Cali, Alley, and I had a short round of Ninja; it's a fun game but it's hard to play since I'm a slow person, haha. The seven of us then proceeded to go by the lake and walk around and just goof off with each other. We tried skipping rocks, which didn't work out so well. We were just standing around when Jack's mum showed up...with a kitten! He got a kitten for his birthday! We all stood there saying 'awwwww' and petting the kitten; I love kittens. After that, we walked back to the cars and I got dropped off at home. Everyone else is probably at Jack's house right now...with the kitten! I wish I could be there with them, but I have class tonight so I can't.

Today didn't sparkle. Today was shining. I'm not upset about my junior year being over. I'm having fun and making lots of memories with people I really care about. My summer is going to be amazing. I can't wait for what's to come.

Side Notes:
- SCABIES!
- I hugged Jack; he's so adorable.
- The torch has been passed and it burns strongly. I will not let DeAndre down.

The Last Day 1 of Junior Year

Well, today was the last Day 1 of my junior year. Now, you might be expecting me to rant about how much I hate Day 1s, but I'm not going to since it is the last one of this school year. Today was actually a pretty good day for the most part. I'm just going to blab about my day, like I usually do.

I stopped by the auditorium to say hi to Kasey, Megan, and Lauren. Then, I went to the library and met with my weirdos and somehow found myself sitting and talking with Emily. I was turned around for one second and all of a sudden Deepak (Tomy) appeared and then Nathan joined shortly after. I didn't really contribute to the conversation at that point. Claire came by and asked me to sign her yearbook so I did. And then the bell rang for first block.

Right before first block began, I saw Everly walking in the hallway and decided to go over to her. I think I was saying her name in that really affectionate voice, which people find creepy. She said something along the lines of "Begone, back to the abyss" as I was "chasing" her. My response to that was something like "I'm not from the abyss, I love you."  As expected, there were people who didn't show. We just ended up watching a movie, the Ernest Green something. We didn't get to finish it, but it was a nice movie. It almost brought me to tears. My last day of history went well.

After first block, I went to take my morning meds and hurry off to the library. Alexa, Deepak (Tomy), Aarti, Sidney, and I watched Mean Girls! Since I arrived a little late, I didn't get to see the beginning but neither did Sidney. I've already seen the movie before though. I honestly really love that movie. My favorite part in the movie is this: "Do you even go here?"//"No...I just have a lot of feelings." Ah, it's such a great movie. I love the ending of it too. I completely forgot that Janis and Kevin get together, haha. Such a weird couple but so great! 

Study hall was amusing today. Jon and Hubert were having a "sword" fight. Their choice of weaponry was two long rolls of gift wrapping paper. Taylor recorded it while I happily snapped pictures with my camera. Needless to say, study hall was great. Lunch was also great. I signed DeAndre's "yearbook" with a message that I think he enjoyed. I've been learning the ways of the dark side from him, haha. He has taught me well. He even said something like "The torch has been passed" and that made me feel proud.

During 6B, I found out my final grade for anatomy. I got an A- for the year, which I'm happy about. All I wanted was an A of some sort and I got it. I chatted with Mrs. Britton until it was time for last block. I always love chatting with her. I wish I could have stayed longer and continued that conversation. If I'm lucky enough, I'll be able to pick back up with it during 6B tomorrow. I'm going to miss chatting with her. I'll have to start catching her after school next year so we can still chat.

Last block almost ruined my day, because Mrs. Bodenschatz wouldn't let me go see Alley. I was really looking forward to being in Latin with her today so she wouldn't have to be alone. Instead, I ended up playing Illusia 2 on my iPad and listening to music. It still turned out to be a good day despite that. 

When I got on the bus, I noticed Matthew in the back and secretly said "YES!" inside my head. He drives to school sometimes so I was happy to see him on the bus today; I gave him a hug. I told him that we'll probably hang out over the summer to which he said something like "We better" and that really made me happy. I definitely will be seeing him over the summer, and Elizabeth (his twin sister) and Paul too. I have to see them at least once. We live so close by to each other that I'm sure I'll be seeing them. 

Today was a wonderful day. I don't know why but some time either after first block or second block, the only thought I had was this: Everything is sparkling. No, I wasn't on anything and I wasn't actually seeing sparkles. I'm not sure how to explain what I mean, but I could just feel the air sparkling. It doesn't make any sense and I probably sound like I've been using some drug but this is how today felt. My last Day 1 of my junior year sparkled. I hope tomorrow shines.

Side Note: 

- I swear I'm not on drugs...

Comfortable Day

Today was a pretty wonderful day; there's only one and half days of school left. I'm sad that this year is ending, but I'm happy because it happened. Today is one of those days that I'll try to remember for a long time. 

During first block in CIS II, we spent most of our time goofing on and chatting, like we usually always do. And by we, I mean the following people: Casey, Cassy, Marie, Ashley, Loganne, Jordan, and myself. Oh, and Mrs. Bodenschatz of course. Towards the end of class, Loganne decided to present her PowerPoint project and that sparked a chain reaction. Cassy, Casey, and Jordan presented after her. I think I'm going to present on Wednesday because it is something fun and I don't feel shy around these people. I'm free to be who I am around them. 

Second block was amazing. We watched some more of The Great Gatsby and had a good time laughing at Daisy and making fun of all of the kissing between her and Gatsby. That movie is so goofy and Daisy is just stupid. We all can't wait until the new movie comes out. It looks like it'll be a good movie. Needless to say, AP English 11 has been awesome. My class is perfect. 

Sixth period was good too. I talked to Mrs. Strosnider like I usually do and chatted with Libby S. for a bit. Mrs. Strosnider still can't believe how fast the year has gone and I can't either. Junior year has passed by so fast. Anyway, Libby and I were chatting with Mrs. Strosnider about SOLs, GPAs, valedictorians, and the like. It was fun. 

And last but not least, ANATOMY! There were only four of us today, including me. It was me, Casey, Deepak (Tomy), and Mikayla. While Mikayla was making up a test, the three of us blew bubbles for a little bit. Blowing bubbles made me feel like a little kid again. I'm tempted to go look around the house now to see if I can find some bubbles. I spent, or rather wasted, a bunch of time trying to find Billy Andrews. He's really difficult to find, and yet he always appears at the most random times. I got fed up with trying to find him so I just gave up and went back to Mrs. Britton's room. And for part of the class after that, the three of us chatted while Mikayla played Minecraft and Mrs. Britton graded papers and laughed at videos that she was watching. We ended up watching anime together, which was cool. I'm actually glad that it was only the four of us. Of course, it would have been nice if Andy showed up but I know that he's not coming anymore. It'll just be the four of us again on Wednesday. I'm not complaining though, I like it that way. 

The next day and a half will be fun. Then, I have graduation to look forward to. And then, going to the movies with Alexa and some people. After that, I don't really have any plans.  I'm sure I'll make plans though. 

Side Note:

- I never talk about what goes on at lunch. Well, nothing too out of the ordinary happened today except I got rid of all of that junk food. Alley, Taylor, Gee...I love those three.

- I haven't been taking that many pictures. I'll be okay without them though. I'll remember what I can for as long as I can. Whatever I don't remember, I'll trust that my classmates and friends will. I'll remember this year for as long as I can.

"How was round two?"

Today was my second attempt at the infamous SAT. In all honesty, I want to say that I feel like I did better this time, but I'm forcing myself to think negatively just in case I didn't improve all that much. I feel like myself today. I can't explain why I was so different yesterday. I guess I get like that sometimes. Right now, I'm pretty content and satisfied. 

I saw so many Sherando kids this morning: Loganne (she sat right in front of me), Derek, Cody V., Tobias, Alexa, Hubert, Cody J., Chris, Libby, Casey, Julia, Megan, Kasey, Sidney, Kyle, Jon...and lots more. It felt nice to have Loganne sitting in front of me. Her presence was comforting. It felt really nice once we were finished, because right after we got outside I found Alexa, Andrew, Chris, Cody J., and Hubert. I chatted with them about things like SAT scores, movies, and the Florida incident; Libby joined in a little bit later after it was only Alexa, Andrew, and I left. And then I found Casey, haha.

It was really nice to talk to Andrew in person; he's just as awesome as I knew he would be. Alexa might have made my day when she asked if we were still on for the movies next weekend. I'm so glad she remembered. It just felt great to see so many familiar faces.

James Wood is a really great school, at least it feels that way. I felt so calm there. I wasn't as nervous as I was when I went to Clarke County. Sure, James Wood isn't Sherando, but it still gave me a welcoming feeling, like I could have a place there if I ever went there. And the lockers are blue so that's a plus. 

I'm in a good mood right now despite the fact that I still have an English paper to write and some other school related things to do. I know that I have a good night ahead of me. Tonight will be a night full of video games and fun with really great friends. It's a good Saturday so far and it's only going to get better from here.

Side Note:

- "How was round two?" was asked by Chris

- I hugged Alexa, Chris, Libby, and Casey today; Hubert rejected me (sad face) and I didn't attempt to hug Andrew
- Gov school kids, you gotta love 'em! 

This is About Something, Right?

I don't know how I feel right now. Is boredom a feeling too? I'm not really bored though. I don't know what to call this familiar feeling. It's kind of similar to how I feel when I don't care about anything at all, but that's not what this feeling is. I can't describe it for you.

I've been sitting in my basement for hours, only going upstairs once to catch a glimpse of the sunset. I've been doing math or trying to anyway. I'm not in the mood to do math, but I'm still doing it because I have to. I guess I should correct myself and say that I'm never in the mood for math. I hate it. Yes, I said it. I hate math.

I just typed that with no expression of disgust or dislike at all. I'm honestly just sitting here with a blank stare on my face, listening to random songs, while typing this. I'm trying to make up for my earlier post, but I guess this is not much different from the previous one.

I almost made myself sad today while I was listening to music earlier, but I fought the feeling away. I guess I might be forcing myself to be happy for the last few days of school. I know it will turn into real happiness. Then I will purposefully break and compose myself again and wait for my senior year to begin.

I don't feel like my usual self right now. I don't know why I'm like this. I don't know why I can't put a name to this feeling, if it is even a feeling at all. For all I know, it could be a lack of feeling anything. I don't know why I'm so expressionless. I wonder if this is a continuation of how I was earlier in the day. This post feels almost as worthless as the previous one. I think I'll stop now because I'm only spewing out randomness anyway. I could mention the time I spent with Alley and Taylor this afternoon, but it is pointless to speak about it. I don't want to destroy the memory with such lackluster, lifeless words. I'm done for tonight. Time to finish math.

Side Note:

- I was listening to Evanescence while writing this--"Don't try to fix me, I'm not broken"

Doing Nothing of Purpose

I'm in school right now, sitting in room 425. It is last block on Day 1 and I don't know what to do with myself right now. I have work that I could be doing, like working on a PowerPoint project, my English paper, and making up the last two assignments I have for anatomy, but I don't feel like doing any of those things right now, so I'm just sitting here listening to music as I write this on my iPad.

It's quieter than usual in here today. The few seniors enrolled in CIS I aren't here right now; I'm not really a student in the class, it's just a filler class for me. The seniors are watching the slideshow right now, which is why none of them are here. It's strange to think that I'll be doing the same thing around this time of year next year. While I don't particularly want to be a senior, I've accepted that I'm going to be one soon.

Maybe I should do some work right now. I won't have time after school like I normally do since I'm hitching a ride with Alley and Taylor and we're going to Martins or something. I really don't feel like doing anything, but I guess I have to. I guess I should do something productive...