It's hard to believe that sophomore year is over now, that I'm a junior in college and I still have no idea what I want to do in life. It feels like a lot has changed over the past two years and then almost nothing at all, but I think that's because I haven't made much progress towards any of my goals. I've always been slower than everyone else, I think it's one of my fatal flaws among other things.
Sophomore year of college, Alice says it's the most difficult year of college. I don't think I can say that she's right or wrong just yet, but I do understand why she said that. First semester of sophomore year was pure agony with regards to classes. Three science classes with labs and two gen eds wasn't the best idea. But the first semester was also a lot of fun because I actually did things like going to an apple orchard with friends, seeing shows featuring the ever so talented folks of the conservatory, and sleeping over in Anne and Osinachi's room. First semester was the conference room era, the intense study sessions together...or maybe not so intense because I remember goofing off a lot. It was when I was in the UI almost every single day without fail, including the weekends too. Second semester was very different from that. Our schedules stopped coincided the way they used. I had a smaller load of classes and classwork to worry about and yet it seemed like I was much busier. As stressful as a full schedule is, I think it prompts you to make time for doing fun stuff rather than just happening upon it like this semester. But there was still a lot of good that came out of this semester: me starting to watch Parks and Rec, having my first frappuccino with Lila and Kyle as my witnesses, and pretty much all of Apple Blossom weekend. This semester was the end of an era. Sounds weird saying that now even though I'm only halfway through college, but it's true in a way because of who I'm losing and who I'm gaining and all of the changes that are going to settle into place in the fall. To my three dear friends who are moving on, Leesun, Kyle, and Lila, I wish you the best of luck and I will see you later--although, I really hope that later comes a lot sooner than when I think it will. And to my dear Symone, it's so wonderful to have you back.
I will miss sophomore year for a lot of reasons. There are a lot of good memories that I'm taking away from this academic year. I only hope that junior year is just as much fun.
Showing posts with label life. Show all posts
Showing posts with label life. Show all posts
Thursday, May 7, 2015
Sunday, February 22, 2015
Reevaluating
I've been watching too much of House, M.D. again. I know that I am because I'm reconsidering in the back of my mind. I'm still as unsure now as I've always been about what I want to do in life, who I want to be, and the like. When I was younger, it was easier to tell people that I was going to be a doctor so that I could help people. It wasn't a lie or mere convenience, it was the honest truth at the time. Back then, I had no perceptions about careers of any sort. Now that I'm older, I know better. I'm never going to be House, which is a relief and a tragedy at the same time. The TV shows exaggerate everything, but the paperwork and hours.
I wonder what it's like to be someone who knows exactly what they want to do in life and how to get there. A few of my friends have gotten to that point and I'm happy for them. But I feel alone, like I'm being left behind. Osinachi once told me that I shouldn't settle for something just because I don't mind it. She said that I should feel passionate about what I'm studying, have some kind of emotional investment in it, but I'm indifferent to it all. I feel like I'm mindlessly studying for a nonexistent future. No, I don't mean that in the morbid sense. Any passion that I have for a subject comes from others, except for microbiology. Yeah, lectures weren't the most thrilling and I did have a handful of bad days in lab. The surprising part was that I wasn't entirely incompetent in microbiology lab like I was in every other science lab I had been in up until that point, including the ones I was taking at the time. Or maybe I was just as incompetent but didn't notice because I had fun. Fun.
Getting back to my point now, I stumbled upon was inspired by House and as a result I looked up 'phlebotomist.' It led me to a website full of health professions. If only I could be a phlebotomist. I'm too shaky though. I don't know if it's a side effect of the medications or not, but it's the only logical explanation I can think of. I think everyone else around me must believe that I get extremely nervous in labs or something. Labs can be crazy and intimidating, but it's not why I shake. I'm honestly not that nervous. It's a little unfair because then everyone thinks you're an incapable fool. (Or at least that's what I think people are thinking of me.) Anyway, other careers that sounded interesting to me: blood bank technologist, clinical lab tech, perfusionist, and pathologist. (I guess blood is a commonality between all five in one way or another.) I'm still not sure why I'm a chemistry major. If there was ever a calling for me, it's probably in biology not chemistry. I know that much about myself, but I've been through too much chemistry to back out now. I wanted to believe that if I took enough chemistry classes that I would find my niche, but I don't think I will. Somehow I have a very strong feeling that biochemistry and physical chemistry aren't going to suddenly produce some emotion in me. I won't get back the past two years of college, but I can still try to fix this.
Monday, October 20, 2014
"Don't take your organs to heaven with you. Heaven knows we need them here."
Happy three year heartiversary to me. Three years ago today, someone saved my life. Of all of the gifts I'll ever receive in my life, none will ever surpass this one. There is no better gift than life itself.
Three years ago, there was a lot going on. I spent a considerable amount of time having to go to the hospital, taking numerous medications, and feeling in pain. I do still remember things that happened back then, but everything feels like such a blur, almost like a dream. (I blogged about those things in last year's reflection, I think.) I'm sure I would think of it all as a dream if I didn't have the scars to prove it. There's a lot that I miss from three years ago, most of which include some special people, particularly the nurses who cared for me. At the same time, there's a lot that I don't miss, there's a lot that I never want to have to go through ever again.
I've had a rough past couple of months and I'm still kind of in limbo with my emotional stability, but overall still thankful to be here. I don't wake up every morning feeling happy or thankful, and I wonder if that's a bad thing. It's probably not such a great way to be, all things considered. But I'm still human too so I hope that it's okay. Right now, I am happy and that's all that matters.
I've become a lot more open with being a transplant recipient. It's a part of who I am so I make no efforts anymore to hide it away or be secretive about it. I think I used to believe that it was only something I should tell people that I'm close to, but that's a little silly. Of course, I don't run around shouting it at the top of my lungs, but it has come up. It's actually come up twice this semester already, once (okay, more like a couple of times) in public speaking and once in microbiology lab. Most people don't know this about me, but I like when my transplant comes up in conversation...or rather, when it can be introduced into conversation. (I think my favorite conversation about my transplant is probably when it was revealed to Dr. Gallagher in microbiology lab. I remember saying that my heart is not my own, that it was someone else's. Dr. Gallagher thought I was referring to being in love and joked about that. I got him pretty good by saying that my heart was literally not my own with a straight face. He got it after that and asked me about it.) I like being asked about my transplant, because it puts everything back into perspective for me. It helps me see where I was and where I am now. I'd like to believe that when people hear that I'm a transplant recipient that it gives them some kind of hope and will to live freely and love strongly.
This is the part where I say thank you. Without a doubt, I'm thankful to and for my donor and her family. I'm especially thankful to my wonderful transplant team and to all of the nurses who took care of me. Of course, I'm incredibly thankful for my family and my friends for their love. (Shout out to two of my friends who will always have a place in my heart, Tomy and Casey.) Even though I haven't been in touch for a long while, I still remember my DCM family and am grateful to them for their kind words and encouragement. And last, but not least, much love and thanks to my Dragonfly family for always caring. I love you all.
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It is infinitely better to transplant a heart than to bury it to be devoured by worms.
-Christiaan Barnard
Three years ago, there was a lot going on. I spent a considerable amount of time having to go to the hospital, taking numerous medications, and feeling in pain. I do still remember things that happened back then, but everything feels like such a blur, almost like a dream. (I blogged about those things in last year's reflection, I think.) I'm sure I would think of it all as a dream if I didn't have the scars to prove it. There's a lot that I miss from three years ago, most of which include some special people, particularly the nurses who cared for me. At the same time, there's a lot that I don't miss, there's a lot that I never want to have to go through ever again.
I've had a rough past couple of months and I'm still kind of in limbo with my emotional stability, but overall still thankful to be here. I don't wake up every morning feeling happy or thankful, and I wonder if that's a bad thing. It's probably not such a great way to be, all things considered. But I'm still human too so I hope that it's okay. Right now, I am happy and that's all that matters.
I've become a lot more open with being a transplant recipient. It's a part of who I am so I make no efforts anymore to hide it away or be secretive about it. I think I used to believe that it was only something I should tell people that I'm close to, but that's a little silly. Of course, I don't run around shouting it at the top of my lungs, but it has come up. It's actually come up twice this semester already, once (okay, more like a couple of times) in public speaking and once in microbiology lab. Most people don't know this about me, but I like when my transplant comes up in conversation...or rather, when it can be introduced into conversation. (I think my favorite conversation about my transplant is probably when it was revealed to Dr. Gallagher in microbiology lab. I remember saying that my heart is not my own, that it was someone else's. Dr. Gallagher thought I was referring to being in love and joked about that. I got him pretty good by saying that my heart was literally not my own with a straight face. He got it after that and asked me about it.) I like being asked about my transplant, because it puts everything back into perspective for me. It helps me see where I was and where I am now. I'd like to believe that when people hear that I'm a transplant recipient that it gives them some kind of hope and will to live freely and love strongly.
This is the part where I say thank you. Without a doubt, I'm thankful to and for my donor and her family. I'm especially thankful to my wonderful transplant team and to all of the nurses who took care of me. Of course, I'm incredibly thankful for my family and my friends for their love. (Shout out to two of my friends who will always have a place in my heart, Tomy and Casey.) Even though I haven't been in touch for a long while, I still remember my DCM family and am grateful to them for their kind words and encouragement. And last, but not least, much love and thanks to my Dragonfly family for always caring. I love you all.
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It is infinitely better to transplant a heart than to bury it to be devoured by worms.
-Christiaan Barnard
Saturday, October 11, 2014
Break
I know it's been a long time since I last blogged. College is the reason for that. Truthfully, freshman year is a joke compared to sophomore year. My free time has been cut in half since last year. Three science classes is nothing to be taken lightly. Everyone is busier than ever and I don't see some people as often as I used to, partly because of the workload from classes and partly because I'm probably not making the effort. I guess things have changed a little.
I've definitely been down a lot more as of recently than I've been happy. I don't know what reasons, or excuses, I can give to explain myself so I won't bother with trying to give any. I think that at the same time while I've been brooding, everyone else has been struggling too. Love, friendship, academics, sanity. And in all of my sulking, I haven't been as good to everyone else as they have been to me. I think my own growth has been hindered by the way I've been behaving.
I suppose I should mention that it's Fall Break right now. Yesterday, I found myself agonizing over my organic chemistry exam to the point where it kind of just made me really sad. I had the chance to see my exam and I really want to kick myself for missing so many easy questions, all of those silly mistakes I made cost me a lot. And so I know that I didn't get an A, but it eats away at me that I probably (hopefully) got a B. After I found out about my exam, I went to sit in BSC and I got to talk Alice before I left. She told me that I wasn't allowed to be productive when I got home so I didn't do anything. I took a nap, tried to watch something, and just let go of school. The conversation that I had with her was one that I was thankful for because it came at the right time. The words that she said were words that I needed to hear. If you keep poking at where it hurts, it's just going to hurt more. Stop poking where it hurts and let it heal.
In other news, my heartiversary is in 9 days. I hope Monday is a good day. Also, Peggy said that I can be a bone marrow donor. I think I'm going to reconfirm, but I'm excited about that.
Thursday, May 8, 2014
Freshman Year Concludes
I feel cold. I'm sitting by a window so that's to be expected, I guess. Hard to believe that it's supposed to be in the 80's this week. This is my obligatory end of my freshman year of college post. So much has happened in the span of two academic semesters, good and bad. This past week has been rather sad, probably because everyone is leaving. Everyone leaving SU means that everyone who is away will be coming home or is already home though so there is a bright side.
I've come a long way since the beginning of the year. I hated SU the first few weeks because I felt so alone, but things got better. I made friends throughout the year and those friendships have grown strong. They aren't equivalent to the ones that I have with my friends here at home, but I think they could get there someday. We're still growing after all. We've had some rough patches and there are things that we're still going through, but hand in hand we'll get through all of it. And I won't give up on making things better.
As far as grades are concerned, I'd love to have all A's this semester. However, I think it's a bit unlikely, which is kind of upsetting. I can't continue being so hard on myself just because I don't get an A in a class. College is a learning experience, but not in terms of the information that we learn. It's a time for us to discover/reinvent ourselves and create bonds with people. Sure, we learn important skills along the way, but the most important things we learn are not necessarily related to academics. I genuinely believe that to be true.
Here's to the future semesters that will be filled with joy, confusion, sadness, fear, nuisances, and love. I'm ready to start again.
I've come a long way since the beginning of the year. I hated SU the first few weeks because I felt so alone, but things got better. I made friends throughout the year and those friendships have grown strong. They aren't equivalent to the ones that I have with my friends here at home, but I think they could get there someday. We're still growing after all. We've had some rough patches and there are things that we're still going through, but hand in hand we'll get through all of it. And I won't give up on making things better.
As far as grades are concerned, I'd love to have all A's this semester. However, I think it's a bit unlikely, which is kind of upsetting. I can't continue being so hard on myself just because I don't get an A in a class. College is a learning experience, but not in terms of the information that we learn. It's a time for us to discover/reinvent ourselves and create bonds with people. Sure, we learn important skills along the way, but the most important things we learn are not necessarily related to academics. I genuinely believe that to be true.
Here's to the future semesters that will be filled with joy, confusion, sadness, fear, nuisances, and love. I'm ready to start again.
Thursday, March 27, 2014
Brain Dump
Sometimes, I think I'm the most fortunate person ever. Never mind the celebrities and millionaires, I got dealt a pretty good life. But my feelings about life are flexible, always changing. I can go from feeling very content with life to wishing I never existed in a matter of seconds. Life is a really painful, but beautiful journey.
Recently, I thought about the teachers and professors that have helped me and shaped me along the way. I wrote something off of those thoughts. In each paragraph that I wrote, I gave a brief background of what was happening or had happened in my life. At the end of each paragraph, I wrote how they have helped. Seven completely different individuals and still counting. In fact, I was thinking that I probably unintentionally left out someone who is very near and dear to my heart so let me make that eight instead of seven. Sometimes, it's not my family or my friends that make me feel so alive. As strange as it may sound, I've really enjoyed being around my teachers and professors (Not all of them, of course, just a select few.) I love having conversations with them, because it's different. I can be a different kind of myself with them. The truest version of who I am and who I want to be, I think, gets expressed the best when I'm with my professors.
Like I said earlier though, life isn't all peaches and cream. Even when there are so many people in the world who love you, sometimes you just don't want to exist. Sometimes you think that you're a mistake and/or that you're not worth it. Sometimes you want to run away and/or throw away your current life. Sometimes you want to escape and/or start over. And I think it's okay to feel all of those things. I've been there and back through all of them. When I was younger, I always wanted to run away, but I can't really remember why. Now that I'm older though, I think escape is more accurate. I've always wanted to get away, but it's so hard to tear out your own roots because life gets in the way sometimes. I never wanted to go to SU because I wanted to leave Winchester and Stephens City behind. I love my city and town, but I'm afraid that I might never leave. I love it here, I do, but I need the chance to breathe. Here, in Winchester, in Stephens City, this is where most of my hurts take root, this is where they live and thrive. There are too many memories here and it's overwhelming because I remember bits and pieces of the past wherever I go. It's happening at SU too. I love SU and the people who go there and work there. But after I graduate, I'd like to go somewhere else. I'd like to be in another state, a completely different place where I have to learn on my own.
"These are the scars deep in your heart
This is the place you were born
This is the hole where most of your soul comes ripping out
From the places you've been torn"
-"Always" by Switchfoot
Recently, I thought about the teachers and professors that have helped me and shaped me along the way. I wrote something off of those thoughts. In each paragraph that I wrote, I gave a brief background of what was happening or had happened in my life. At the end of each paragraph, I wrote how they have helped. Seven completely different individuals and still counting. In fact, I was thinking that I probably unintentionally left out someone who is very near and dear to my heart so let me make that eight instead of seven. Sometimes, it's not my family or my friends that make me feel so alive. As strange as it may sound, I've really enjoyed being around my teachers and professors (Not all of them, of course, just a select few.) I love having conversations with them, because it's different. I can be a different kind of myself with them. The truest version of who I am and who I want to be, I think, gets expressed the best when I'm with my professors.
Like I said earlier though, life isn't all peaches and cream. Even when there are so many people in the world who love you, sometimes you just don't want to exist. Sometimes you think that you're a mistake and/or that you're not worth it. Sometimes you want to run away and/or throw away your current life. Sometimes you want to escape and/or start over. And I think it's okay to feel all of those things. I've been there and back through all of them. When I was younger, I always wanted to run away, but I can't really remember why. Now that I'm older though, I think escape is more accurate. I've always wanted to get away, but it's so hard to tear out your own roots because life gets in the way sometimes. I never wanted to go to SU because I wanted to leave Winchester and Stephens City behind. I love my city and town, but I'm afraid that I might never leave. I love it here, I do, but I need the chance to breathe. Here, in Winchester, in Stephens City, this is where most of my hurts take root, this is where they live and thrive. There are too many memories here and it's overwhelming because I remember bits and pieces of the past wherever I go. It's happening at SU too. I love SU and the people who go there and work there. But after I graduate, I'd like to go somewhere else. I'd like to be in another state, a completely different place where I have to learn on my own.
"These are the scars deep in your heart
This is the place you were born
This is the hole where most of your soul comes ripping out
From the places you've been torn"
-"Always" by Switchfoot
Thursday, March 20, 2014
Embers
Hello there, how are you? I'm doing fairly well. I haven't blogged in quite some time due to life and college and stress and other things of that nature. Last week was spring break and it was absolutely wonderful to be off and not have so much to worry about with regards to homework and studying and going to class. However, this week has probably been the most stressful week of all out of the whole semester so far. A lot of my friends and I have been really high-strung and uptight lately, which is mostly due to a biology project that we're required to present. Speaking of which, I think I messed up my group's performance and probably brought it down because I stumbled and went blank. I'm so glad I decided to make note cards and take them up with me. Before the presentation, I think I was feigning confidence and not being nervous. As soon as it was my turn to speak, I completely lost it for whatever reason. I got through it though and so did my group. I don't feel so guilty, but there is a very slight tinge because I think I was the big problem. But honestly, I don't care because I did what I had to do. I'm not going to sit here and beat myself up over it. As soon as it was done, I left it in the time that it happened. It's in the past now. I realize that the time of the presentation and the overall performance won't matter in the future. It's not going to matter when I'm graduating college.
My Wednesday wasn't destroyed by that presentation though. I saw Gee and everything was just how it should be. Brittany and I caught up with her and filled her in on the gaps. So much time has passed and our lives are really so different, but we're the same with each other as we've always been. A stable friendship, I think it can be called. A stable friendship that I'm glad to have.
And for the rest of the day, I spent my time in one of my favorite ways. I spent it with my friends, talking and laughing, trying to reassure them. I've realized that we've all come so far. Our friendships aren't perfect, nor should they be, but we're making them best of our time together. Trials and tribulations will take place, but I know that we're a strong bunch and that we'll fight against whatever comes our way. We may not always be together, but we're with each other in spirit and reminding each other to keep our heads up.
Note: Here's my nod to the title! The title of this post is Embers, which is a song by Owl City. And for everything that's happened recently, I thought it was fitting. Right now, everyone is fighting their way through college. Whether we realize it or not, we're doing it together. And no matter how many awful days or times that there are, we'll make it to the end of the day. And we'll be shining like the stars that we are. And it will always get better.
My Wednesday wasn't destroyed by that presentation though. I saw Gee and everything was just how it should be. Brittany and I caught up with her and filled her in on the gaps. So much time has passed and our lives are really so different, but we're the same with each other as we've always been. A stable friendship, I think it can be called. A stable friendship that I'm glad to have.
And for the rest of the day, I spent my time in one of my favorite ways. I spent it with my friends, talking and laughing, trying to reassure them. I've realized that we've all come so far. Our friendships aren't perfect, nor should they be, but we're making them best of our time together. Trials and tribulations will take place, but I know that we're a strong bunch and that we'll fight against whatever comes our way. We may not always be together, but we're with each other in spirit and reminding each other to keep our heads up.
Note: Here's my nod to the title! The title of this post is Embers, which is a song by Owl City. And for everything that's happened recently, I thought it was fitting. Right now, everyone is fighting their way through college. Whether we realize it or not, we're doing it together. And no matter how many awful days or times that there are, we'll make it to the end of the day. And we'll be shining like the stars that we are. And it will always get better.
Sunday, October 20, 2013
Reflecting on Two Years
Happy two year heartiversary to me. Two years ago, I was given the single most important gift I'll ever receive in my whole entire life: a second chance to live freely and love unconditionally.
It feels surreal to have made it this far. Two years ago, I would never have imagined that I'd still be here, but I'm glad to be. I feel guilty admitting this, but I don't wake up every morning and think to myself how thankful I am to be here. I know it's wrong, but I never realized how quickly I'd return to having a "normal" life, how quickly I'd become my usual ungrateful self. But I am thankful. I've experienced so much in the past two years. And no matter how unpleasant or painful or stressful some days were, I'm still thankful for them.
I met people who could fully understand my feelings and what I've been through. I went hiking for the first time. I went to the drive-in theatre. I stayed out late on so many nights with my friends. I graduated from high school. And now I'm a college student. All of those things have happened since my first heartiversary.
I think around this time last year, I was still struggling with acceptance. I'm not anymore. But I haven't gotten closure yet. I have a letter that I still need to write and mail out. I wonder if there's a reason why I've waited so long, I think it's probably due to laziness. At the same time though, I wonder if it's because I'm afraid of my donor family choosing to not respond back. I want to meet them in person someday so I can get to know her.
I don't tell people my story. I used to wonder why no one ever asked me about why I was gone when I came back to school in junior year. How many of them silently already knew? I wanted people to ask me. I don't hold anything against people for not asking. It's hard to ask about something like this, isn't it? Maybe it was because no one wanted me to feel uncomfortable. Even though I don't tell my story, I don't try to hide it. If someone finds out by reading my blog then so be it. Why should I hide? I'm not ashamed of being a heart transplant recipient and I never will be. Please don't ever feel sorry for me.
I'm not sure how much I remember from two years ago. I remember throwing up and feeling awful. I remember moments from the days I spent in the hospital like when Aisha and I played Sorry with Mike and when Kyle and I would watch Lingo together. And when Leigh, Aisha, Johnny, and I played the card game version of Sorry. Verna's kind personality and Mary Lou's cheerful disposition, I remember that too. I remember holding onto Kyle's hand when I had that dreadful NG tube put in; I hate that thing. I remember putting together a puzzle with Aisha and Nisha on the day I got out, I think it was. I don't remember being taken back to the hospital the next morning, but I do vaguely remember opening up my eyes and acknowledging that I was in the hospital; my blood pressure was insane at that time. I remember Kyle's birthday and how he shared his piece of cake with me and Aisha. I remember Halloween and how my hair was pulled into two pigtails; I still have the two hair ties somewhere. I remember crying on the morning of the procedure. I remember when Casey came to see me and brought jelly beans with her for me. I remember my Eid surprise from Bushra's family.
But my favorite moment from that time period is a sequence of moments. Dr. Scheel and Pat walked into my room one day. I thought to myself sarcastically about how they were going to tell me that they found a heart. And then Dr. Scheel said exactly that and I was so shocked that I couldn't believe her. I can't remember if that was when I started crying or not. I saw Kyle shortly after and he hugged me and said that he was happy for me. I know I was crying then.
I've come a long way in two years though. I've reached my minimum of three medications at last. I reached it a while back ago actually. Honestly, I don't know how I managed to take so many pills two years ago. I don't know how the me back then endured all of that pain. I see the scars, but I don't remember the pain. That's probably for the better. But I'm not the only who had to overcome a lot. Sometimes I wonder if it was me who went through more hardship back then or if it was my family instead. I know that I still worry them from time to time, but I think they'll always worry no matter what.
I wonder how much I've changed, if at all. I wonder because of cellular memory. It's just a theory, but I wonder if I've picked up any of her habits or if I like any of the things that she liked. It doesn't seem like I've changed much at all. I know that she was a good person. I know that her family is loving, I know that they are thoughtful and caring people. If they weren't, they never would have made the decision that they did.
My thoughts are really scattered today. Honestly, I don't even know what to write, which is why it seems like I'm rambling. I don't know what to say anymore. I'm just happy to still be here. I'm thankful for each and every day that has passed. I'm thankful to my donor family for their decision. I'm thankful to my family for always loving me and looking after me. I'm thankful to my doctors and nurses and all other medical personnel who took excellent care of me and were so incredibly dedicated. I'm thankful to my DCM family who's always given me kind words of encouragement and support. And last, but not least, I'm thankful to my friends for putting up with me and being by my side no matter how many miles separate us. Thank you to all of you. I love you all. ♥
Most people only have one birthday, but I've been blessed enough to have two. ♥
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"Another fall day. An infinite blue sky to look up at, a thousand beautiful trees to enjoy, a hundred blows of the wind to refresh, a second chance and one lovely heart to love it all" - Shradha
"It is infinitely better to transplant a heart than to bury it to be devoured by worms."
- Christiaan Barnard
It feels surreal to have made it this far. Two years ago, I would never have imagined that I'd still be here, but I'm glad to be. I feel guilty admitting this, but I don't wake up every morning and think to myself how thankful I am to be here. I know it's wrong, but I never realized how quickly I'd return to having a "normal" life, how quickly I'd become my usual ungrateful self. But I am thankful. I've experienced so much in the past two years. And no matter how unpleasant or painful or stressful some days were, I'm still thankful for them.
I met people who could fully understand my feelings and what I've been through. I went hiking for the first time. I went to the drive-in theatre. I stayed out late on so many nights with my friends. I graduated from high school. And now I'm a college student. All of those things have happened since my first heartiversary.
I think around this time last year, I was still struggling with acceptance. I'm not anymore. But I haven't gotten closure yet. I have a letter that I still need to write and mail out. I wonder if there's a reason why I've waited so long, I think it's probably due to laziness. At the same time though, I wonder if it's because I'm afraid of my donor family choosing to not respond back. I want to meet them in person someday so I can get to know her.
I don't tell people my story. I used to wonder why no one ever asked me about why I was gone when I came back to school in junior year. How many of them silently already knew? I wanted people to ask me. I don't hold anything against people for not asking. It's hard to ask about something like this, isn't it? Maybe it was because no one wanted me to feel uncomfortable. Even though I don't tell my story, I don't try to hide it. If someone finds out by reading my blog then so be it. Why should I hide? I'm not ashamed of being a heart transplant recipient and I never will be. Please don't ever feel sorry for me.
I'm not sure how much I remember from two years ago. I remember throwing up and feeling awful. I remember moments from the days I spent in the hospital like when Aisha and I played Sorry with Mike and when Kyle and I would watch Lingo together. And when Leigh, Aisha, Johnny, and I played the card game version of Sorry. Verna's kind personality and Mary Lou's cheerful disposition, I remember that too. I remember holding onto Kyle's hand when I had that dreadful NG tube put in; I hate that thing. I remember putting together a puzzle with Aisha and Nisha on the day I got out, I think it was. I don't remember being taken back to the hospital the next morning, but I do vaguely remember opening up my eyes and acknowledging that I was in the hospital; my blood pressure was insane at that time. I remember Kyle's birthday and how he shared his piece of cake with me and Aisha. I remember Halloween and how my hair was pulled into two pigtails; I still have the two hair ties somewhere. I remember crying on the morning of the procedure. I remember when Casey came to see me and brought jelly beans with her for me. I remember my Eid surprise from Bushra's family.
But my favorite moment from that time period is a sequence of moments. Dr. Scheel and Pat walked into my room one day. I thought to myself sarcastically about how they were going to tell me that they found a heart. And then Dr. Scheel said exactly that and I was so shocked that I couldn't believe her. I can't remember if that was when I started crying or not. I saw Kyle shortly after and he hugged me and said that he was happy for me. I know I was crying then.
I've come a long way in two years though. I've reached my minimum of three medications at last. I reached it a while back ago actually. Honestly, I don't know how I managed to take so many pills two years ago. I don't know how the me back then endured all of that pain. I see the scars, but I don't remember the pain. That's probably for the better. But I'm not the only who had to overcome a lot. Sometimes I wonder if it was me who went through more hardship back then or if it was my family instead. I know that I still worry them from time to time, but I think they'll always worry no matter what.
I wonder how much I've changed, if at all. I wonder because of cellular memory. It's just a theory, but I wonder if I've picked up any of her habits or if I like any of the things that she liked. It doesn't seem like I've changed much at all. I know that she was a good person. I know that her family is loving, I know that they are thoughtful and caring people. If they weren't, they never would have made the decision that they did.
My thoughts are really scattered today. Honestly, I don't even know what to write, which is why it seems like I'm rambling. I don't know what to say anymore. I'm just happy to still be here. I'm thankful for each and every day that has passed. I'm thankful to my donor family for their decision. I'm thankful to my family for always loving me and looking after me. I'm thankful to my doctors and nurses and all other medical personnel who took excellent care of me and were so incredibly dedicated. I'm thankful to my DCM family who's always given me kind words of encouragement and support. And last, but not least, I'm thankful to my friends for putting up with me and being by my side no matter how many miles separate us. Thank you to all of you. I love you all. ♥
Most people only have one birthday, but I've been blessed enough to have two. ♥
-------
"Another fall day. An infinite blue sky to look up at, a thousand beautiful trees to enjoy, a hundred blows of the wind to refresh, a second chance and one lovely heart to love it all" - Shradha
"It is infinitely better to transplant a heart than to bury it to be devoured by worms."
- Christiaan Barnard
Sunday, January 13, 2013
It's Been A While
I haven't been blogging as much as I used to. Life has been pretty busy for me. It's starting to calm down a bit though. Let me catch you up.
First, I think we'll start with school. School is getting really bothersome. I have senioritis. I like my high school, but I'm done with it. I'm ready to move on. I'm sure I'll miss it, but I'll come back someday. As for my performance in school right now, I'm doing well in everything except for physics and calculus. Although, I am making waves in calculus by getting help. It took me a long time to try to get help, but it's not too late for me. I'm still struggling with it, but I know I can get back up to where I should be. As for physics, it's completely beyond me.
Now for my extracurricular activities. I haven't been going to MAT, but I hope to return this week. It's been so long and I miss the kids a lot. I hope they still remember me. FBLA is going well, don't have much to report there. ACADEMIC TEAM! Oh, how I love Academic Team. We've done really well for the season and next up is districts. This past week, we had three former members come to see matches: Elizabeth, Deepak, and Abhinav. It was really nice. As for NHS, I am making waves by trying to get a couple of big projects kick-started in spite of not being an official officer. In all honesty, I probably should have been an FBLA and NHS officer. I do have one regret in regards to extracurricular activities, I wish I had gone for Academic Team in my sophomore year like Mrs. Adams-Legge told me to. I think that's probably one of my biggest regrets of my high school years.
Life in general is good, I suppose. My health has been fine, except that I've gained weight. I definitely plan on doing something about that. It's nice outside today so I'm going to go on a walk eventually and listen to music with my big headphones. I also have homework to do as well, unfortunately.
I went for a walk yesterday and took some pictures. The pictures I took were of the street signs. I felt kind of sad. I'm eventually going to be moving from this little town of Stephens City. I've never lived anywhere else in my life. And even though there is nothing special to do here, I'm still attached to this place. I lived my whole life here. I don't want to forget this place. My house...I can't imagine it ever being sold, but it's going to happen eventually. I don't know if I can handle that. Towards the end of my slow walk, I started listening to Regina Spektor's 'The Call' repeatedly.
"The Call"
First, I think we'll start with school. School is getting really bothersome. I have senioritis. I like my high school, but I'm done with it. I'm ready to move on. I'm sure I'll miss it, but I'll come back someday. As for my performance in school right now, I'm doing well in everything except for physics and calculus. Although, I am making waves in calculus by getting help. It took me a long time to try to get help, but it's not too late for me. I'm still struggling with it, but I know I can get back up to where I should be. As for physics, it's completely beyond me.
Now for my extracurricular activities. I haven't been going to MAT, but I hope to return this week. It's been so long and I miss the kids a lot. I hope they still remember me. FBLA is going well, don't have much to report there. ACADEMIC TEAM! Oh, how I love Academic Team. We've done really well for the season and next up is districts. This past week, we had three former members come to see matches: Elizabeth, Deepak, and Abhinav. It was really nice. As for NHS, I am making waves by trying to get a couple of big projects kick-started in spite of not being an official officer. In all honesty, I probably should have been an FBLA and NHS officer. I do have one regret in regards to extracurricular activities, I wish I had gone for Academic Team in my sophomore year like Mrs. Adams-Legge told me to. I think that's probably one of my biggest regrets of my high school years.
Life in general is good, I suppose. My health has been fine, except that I've gained weight. I definitely plan on doing something about that. It's nice outside today so I'm going to go on a walk eventually and listen to music with my big headphones. I also have homework to do as well, unfortunately.
I went for a walk yesterday and took some pictures. The pictures I took were of the street signs. I felt kind of sad. I'm eventually going to be moving from this little town of Stephens City. I've never lived anywhere else in my life. And even though there is nothing special to do here, I'm still attached to this place. I lived my whole life here. I don't want to forget this place. My house...I can't imagine it ever being sold, but it's going to happen eventually. I don't know if I can handle that. Towards the end of my slow walk, I started listening to Regina Spektor's 'The Call' repeatedly.
It started out as a feeling
Which then grew into a hope
Which then turned into a quiet thought
Which then turned into a quiet word
And then that word grew louder and louder
'Til it was a battle cry
I'll come back when you call me
No need to say goodbye
Just because everything's changing
Doesn't mean it's never been this way before
All you can do is try to know who your friends are
As you head off to the war
Pick a star on the dark horizon and follow the light
You'll come back when it's over
No need to say goodbye
You'll come back when it's over
No need to say goodbye
Now we're back to the beginning
It's just a feeling and no one knows yet
But just because they can't feel it too
Doesn't mean that you have to forget
Let your memories grow stronger and stronger
'Til they're before your eyes
You'll come back when they call you
No need to say goodbye
You'll come back when they call you
No need to say goodbye
Which then grew into a hope
Which then turned into a quiet thought
Which then turned into a quiet word
And then that word grew louder and louder
'Til it was a battle cry
I'll come back when you call me
No need to say goodbye
Just because everything's changing
Doesn't mean it's never been this way before
All you can do is try to know who your friends are
As you head off to the war
Pick a star on the dark horizon and follow the light
You'll come back when it's over
No need to say goodbye
You'll come back when it's over
No need to say goodbye
Now we're back to the beginning
It's just a feeling and no one knows yet
But just because they can't feel it too
Doesn't mean that you have to forget
Let your memories grow stronger and stronger
'Til they're before your eyes
You'll come back when they call you
No need to say goodbye
You'll come back when they call you
No need to say goodbye
I probably have more that I'm forgetting to say, but this will do for now. I'm already starting to feel sad again.
Saturday, October 20, 2012
A Pure and Honest Reflection of the Past Year
It's finally the day I've been waiting for...my first heartiversary. A year ago from today, I underwent heart transplantation, which resulted in my second chance to live and love the life I lead. It hasn't been an easy year for me. I still haven't gotten closure, but I'm working towards it as the days continue to pass.
Since I've decided to be honest, I'm not going to hide the way I've felt. I'm not about to sugarcoat anything, not today.
I'm in a calm, peaceful mood right now. As I type, I'm thinking about everything that I can possibly remember from the past year. Positive, cheerful me has a lot to say, but so does negative me.
Let me start with what my positive self has to say. Before transplantation, I was still able to smile and laugh despite my situation. It helps to have such a loving family and wonderful people taking care of you. After transplantation, I was in pain, but it's what I guess you could call happy pain, because I made it. I had a whole cocktail of medications to take following transplantation and that was difficult to deal with. I've tried to look at it with optimistic eyes. I'm especially happy now because I don't take as many as I used to and the number of medications still hasn't reached its absolute minimum of three yet; I'm still lingering around at five.
I have a lot to smile about. I have a lot to laugh about. But most importantly, I have a lot to be thankful for. Because of transplantation, because of this second chance, I was able to finish my junior year and continue on into my senior year. Over that time period, I've met some really amazing people and strengthened my relationships with my friends. I've had a good amount of firsts, such as going to Roma's, playing Just Dance, getting my first pair of Levi's, riding the metro, and going to the Cheesecake Factory. Guaranteed that these firsts might not seem that exciting to the average person, but they're special to me.
Sometimes, I can't believe that what I've gone through was real...but then I see the scars and am reminded that it really happened. The scars, the ICD device (which I actually got to keep!), the medications, the pictures, the memories. They remind me. When I was in the hospital, I remember telling one of my nurses something like "you never know how strong you are, until being strong is the only choice you have left." (I, of course, am not that creative. I saw a quote like that a long time ago somewhere on the Interwebs.) In spite of the complaints I've made, at times I feel like I can rightfully say that for all I have been through, I have been strong.
Now for a darker, more depressing take on the past year along with lots of complaining. I'd advise you to skip over this if you don't want to be saddened or annoyed. It sucked. It honestly really sucked. It wasn't fair at all that I had to go through what I went through. Those few months before and after transplantation contained the worst pain I've ever felt in my entire life. I felt dead, like I really was going to die. I'm thankful that I didn't, but I'm still only human. I have days where I feel like the successful attempt to save my life wasn't worth it. I know it might be wrong of me to admit and say that, but I am human. I didn't go through this past year with a smile plastered on my face the entire time. Every once in a long while, I have moments when I think of how ungrateful I am and how my donor should be the one living instead. Those are not good moments for me; this is why I feel weak. I usually just cry and don't talk to anyone about it. That's the other thing.
I don't talk to many people about transplantation, because a lot of the time, I feel like no one cares. Even when I do talk about it to my select few (excluding my family, of course), I feel like they don't even care. I understand that people have their own hardships to face and it's selfish of me to ask them to comfort me when they're struggling too. I wish people had asked about it when I returned to school, but almost no one did. That made me feel like no one cared at all. I've been told that people don't ask because they don't know how to or because they don't want to make me feel uncomfortable. Maybe that's what it is, but I have nothing to hide. I'm willing to share my story, the good and the bad parts of it.
Going back to a more positive view now, I've been called an inspiration. I often feel undeserving of such an honor because I am such a complainer. I guess I can understand why people think of me as such, but I don't feel deserving of it. Still, I do appreciate being called an inspiration. It's nice to know that my experience inspired someone else. I've always wanted to be an inspiration to someone and now I am, even to people I don't know.
One of my friends made me understand that I can't let this experience become me and dictate my life. And for him, but mostly myself, I promise that I won't let it. I promise I'll move on and accept everything that's happened. I'll use this experience to help others and myself.
I'm happy to be alive. Even though I have moments of depression and negativity, I'm happy overall. I'm still here. And because I'm still here, I intend to make a difference. I don't know how long I'm going to live for, but I know that I want to spend the rest of my life working towards being happy and helping others. I think I owe that much to my donor, my donor's family, the medical personnel who took/take care of me, my family, and my friends. It's a work in progress.
And here is where I say thank you. Thank you to my ever-loving family for loving and supporting me through everything. Thank you to my donor family for making the decision that they did. Thank you to my cardiology team (Dr. Scheel, Peggy, Dawn, Dr. Coulson, and everyone else) for working so hard. Thank you to my nurses for making me smile and laugh, instilling hope, and sticking me with needles. Thank you to my DCM family for supporting me and believing in me. Thank you to my lovely Casey Harvey for all of your caring, racism, and overly dramatic lame humor. Thank you to Deepak for being a voice of reason, understanding, and kindness when it was needed. Thank you to all of my friends for making me smile, laugh and cry. I love you all. ♥
~~~~~
Another fall day. An infinite blue sky to look up at, a thousand beautiful trees to enjoy, a hundred blows of the wind to refresh, a second chance and one lovely heart to love it all ♥ Happy Heartiversary ♥ - Shradha
"Happy Hearth Day" - Casey
"It's my heartiversary ♥" - Me
"We know" - Deepak
"A journey of a thousand miles begins with one step."
"It is infinitely better to transplant a heart than to bury it to be devoured by worms." - Christiaan Barnard
Since I've decided to be honest, I'm not going to hide the way I've felt. I'm not about to sugarcoat anything, not today.
I'm in a calm, peaceful mood right now. As I type, I'm thinking about everything that I can possibly remember from the past year. Positive, cheerful me has a lot to say, but so does negative me.
Let me start with what my positive self has to say. Before transplantation, I was still able to smile and laugh despite my situation. It helps to have such a loving family and wonderful people taking care of you. After transplantation, I was in pain, but it's what I guess you could call happy pain, because I made it. I had a whole cocktail of medications to take following transplantation and that was difficult to deal with. I've tried to look at it with optimistic eyes. I'm especially happy now because I don't take as many as I used to and the number of medications still hasn't reached its absolute minimum of three yet; I'm still lingering around at five.
I have a lot to smile about. I have a lot to laugh about. But most importantly, I have a lot to be thankful for. Because of transplantation, because of this second chance, I was able to finish my junior year and continue on into my senior year. Over that time period, I've met some really amazing people and strengthened my relationships with my friends. I've had a good amount of firsts, such as going to Roma's, playing Just Dance, getting my first pair of Levi's, riding the metro, and going to the Cheesecake Factory. Guaranteed that these firsts might not seem that exciting to the average person, but they're special to me.
Sometimes, I can't believe that what I've gone through was real...but then I see the scars and am reminded that it really happened. The scars, the ICD device (which I actually got to keep!), the medications, the pictures, the memories. They remind me. When I was in the hospital, I remember telling one of my nurses something like "you never know how strong you are, until being strong is the only choice you have left." (I, of course, am not that creative. I saw a quote like that a long time ago somewhere on the Interwebs.) In spite of the complaints I've made, at times I feel like I can rightfully say that for all I have been through, I have been strong.
Now for a darker, more depressing take on the past year along with lots of complaining. I'd advise you to skip over this if you don't want to be saddened or annoyed. It sucked. It honestly really sucked. It wasn't fair at all that I had to go through what I went through. Those few months before and after transplantation contained the worst pain I've ever felt in my entire life. I felt dead, like I really was going to die. I'm thankful that I didn't, but I'm still only human. I have days where I feel like the successful attempt to save my life wasn't worth it. I know it might be wrong of me to admit and say that, but I am human. I didn't go through this past year with a smile plastered on my face the entire time. Every once in a long while, I have moments when I think of how ungrateful I am and how my donor should be the one living instead. Those are not good moments for me; this is why I feel weak. I usually just cry and don't talk to anyone about it. That's the other thing.
I don't talk to many people about transplantation, because a lot of the time, I feel like no one cares. Even when I do talk about it to my select few (excluding my family, of course), I feel like they don't even care. I understand that people have their own hardships to face and it's selfish of me to ask them to comfort me when they're struggling too. I wish people had asked about it when I returned to school, but almost no one did. That made me feel like no one cared at all. I've been told that people don't ask because they don't know how to or because they don't want to make me feel uncomfortable. Maybe that's what it is, but I have nothing to hide. I'm willing to share my story, the good and the bad parts of it.
Going back to a more positive view now, I've been called an inspiration. I often feel undeserving of such an honor because I am such a complainer. I guess I can understand why people think of me as such, but I don't feel deserving of it. Still, I do appreciate being called an inspiration. It's nice to know that my experience inspired someone else. I've always wanted to be an inspiration to someone and now I am, even to people I don't know.
One of my friends made me understand that I can't let this experience become me and dictate my life. And for him, but mostly myself, I promise that I won't let it. I promise I'll move on and accept everything that's happened. I'll use this experience to help others and myself.
I'm happy to be alive. Even though I have moments of depression and negativity, I'm happy overall. I'm still here. And because I'm still here, I intend to make a difference. I don't know how long I'm going to live for, but I know that I want to spend the rest of my life working towards being happy and helping others. I think I owe that much to my donor, my donor's family, the medical personnel who took/take care of me, my family, and my friends. It's a work in progress.
And here is where I say thank you. Thank you to my ever-loving family for loving and supporting me through everything. Thank you to my donor family for making the decision that they did. Thank you to my cardiology team (Dr. Scheel, Peggy, Dawn, Dr. Coulson, and everyone else) for working so hard. Thank you to my nurses for making me smile and laugh, instilling hope, and sticking me with needles. Thank you to my DCM family for supporting me and believing in me. Thank you to my lovely Casey Harvey for all of your caring, racism, and overly dramatic lame humor. Thank you to Deepak for being a voice of reason, understanding, and kindness when it was needed. Thank you to all of my friends for making me smile, laugh and cry. I love you all. ♥
~~~~~
Another fall day. An infinite blue sky to look up at, a thousand beautiful trees to enjoy, a hundred blows of the wind to refresh, a second chance and one lovely heart to love it all ♥ Happy Heartiversary ♥ - Shradha
"Happy Hearth Day" - Casey
"It's my heartiversary ♥" - Me
"We know" - Deepak
"A journey of a thousand miles begins with one step."
"It is infinitely better to transplant a heart than to bury it to be devoured by worms." - Christiaan Barnard
Thursday, June 28, 2012
Thinking of Death
Another day of summer has passed. I've had a pretty awesome week so far, but I've been feeling kind of off. I don't feel like myself. I've been quite happy for the past few days and I've had a lot of fun, but there's something that I can't seem to shake from my mind: DEATH. (Yes, I felt it was necessary to put in all caps.)
I can't understand why I've been thinking about death, especially when I haven't been upset or afraid. Thinking about death doesn't necessarily mean that a person is depressed or scared, because I've been perfectly content for some time now. Sure, I've been bored, but not unhappy. The reason I find this sudden contemplation of death to be so odd is because my mind wandered to it when I was in a good mood, when I was happy.
On Monday, June 25th, I had an amazing afternoon. I was so cheerful during that time and yet death was on my mind at one point. I didn't feel lonely or broken. The people who were around me had nothing to do with what I was thinking. They never said a word concerning the matter, at least not that I can remember. Why was I thinking about death in the company of those two people? Those two who will never fully understand what they, among a handful of others, helped give back to me...why around them?
I'm not surprised or shocked to be thinking about death. Actually, it seems very fitting according to events that have occurred recently. Though I can't answer my previous question, I believe I know why Death has decided to take up residence in my mind. Due to all of the fun I've been having and how everything has seemingly returned to whatever normal was and is, I seem to be forgetting the friend I almost met.
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| Two sides of the same coin |
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