2/8

My community pharmacy IPPE rotation has come to an end. It's hard to believe that four weeks have passed. When my rotation first started, the end felt so far away. Now that it's over, I feel very sad about it. I'm a very sentimental person and I form attachments quickly and easily, but I never really expected to feel this way about my rotation. Somewhere in my mind, I've told myself that if I don't cross off Friday, May 25th, from my whiteboard calendar that's on the fridge then my rotation won't really be over. It is over though and although my heart still feels heavy I'm working on getting over it. I'm fortunate to have had such a wonderful preceptor, rotation site, and experience. I have a lot of improving to do, but I know what I should focus on as well as what I'd personally like to focus on. 

I somehow, by the grace of God, survived the second semester of my P1 year. I got one more A than I expected and I passed PK. I spent a lot of time worrying about passing PK so it felt really good to know that I had passed. Passing PK means that I can hold my position in SNPhA as Mental Health Awareness Chair and rush for PDC in the fall when school starts. I'm looking forward to beginning therapy modules this upcoming semester. I know that they will be difficult, but I'm ready to give it my all. After a year of pharmacy school, I sort of know where I stand and where I need to improve academically. Ready to take on the world/get an A- I'm looking at you, cardiology module. 

Pharmacy school has been really good for me so far. I don't know that I've necessarily grown a lot as a person, but I think I'm a little more outgoing than I used to be. I do try to put myself into situations where I have to be more social and interactive. I make more efforts to volunteer for things than I ever did in the past because I told myself that I would be better in pharmacy school. The things that I do may not necessarily have a lot of impact in the grander scheme of things, but my willingness hopefully says a lot about me. I have been and am very loved by the people around me in pharmacy school. Sometimes I wonder if my friends really understand the depth of my gratitude towards them and how genuine my love is for all of them. I love my friends and my fellow pharmacists to be very much. On the whole, I still feel that everyone is supportive of each other and always willing to lend a helping hand, and I'm truly grateful for that. I've experienced a lot of firsts and I'm happy to have experienced them with wonderful people. And I can't wait to keep experiencing more firsts with them. 

P1 is done, P2 here we come! 

If you missed it, here is my reflection post about the first semester of pharmacy school: 1/8

Procrastination, Contemplation

I should be studying right now, but I am continuing my procrastination for just a little bit longer to reflect on the semester a little bit. I plan on hopefully getting a decent bit of studying done tonight even though all I want to do is sleep.

I really don't know where to begin so I'll start with today. We had our last PK lecture of P1 year today and got cookies at the end as a treat. I was pretty cranky during class because I was worried about my exam grade. I needed to do so well on this past exam because I really put myself in a bad situation earlier on in the semester with PK. At the very least, I can be proud of myself for improving in PK- each exam grade has been higher than the last. Maybe I can continue the trend for the final exam if I'm lucky enough. The ability to do well and understand is somewhere inside of me. PK was my Achilles heel this semester, but it really didn't have to be if only I had given myself the time. I have one more chance to prove myself this semester. And I never go down without a fight.

I went to see 'A Quiet Place' this afternoon with Amanda, Christian, Sandrine, Jasmine, Cloud, and Dan. It was an okay movie with some more than okay people. I was only a little bit disappointed by the ending. It seemed like a lot of trouble for the way it ended. Still, I appreciated the suspense/thrill of it all.

The more time that passes of pharmacy school, the happier and sadder I become. It's like when I was back at SU and couldn't imagine myself anywhere else but there. Well, it happened again. And it keeps happening in more than just my education, it happens at work too. Change has always been what I'm most afraid. With summer approaching, I'm worried that things will change, that I will lose everyone. It's a constant and irrational worry, but maybe it's time for me to leave it up to them. I'll still be here as I have been with outstretched hands waiting to be held and to hold.

I wonder when we all started falling into place. I appreciate that we mingle with each other. Everyone has their own usual crew, but our bonds with each other on the whole are pretty strong. There's always a kind word to be said, a laugh to be shared, love to be given and reciprocated. The support was there from the beginning and it continues to grow. It's a lot easier to believe in yourself, to love yourself, when other people do too.

Thank you for being there to lift me up when I put myself down.

Dragonfly Retreat #3

This past weekend, I attended Dragonfly's third teen retreat. Let me just say that it gets more amazing each year. I'm still surprised at how easy it is to reconnect with everyone. We spend so much time away from each other, but we fit together so effortlessly like puzzle pieces. We've also gotten really good at welcoming new people into the family.

We did so many different things this year. On Friday night, Derek, LeeAnn, and baby Emma kicked off our night with an introduction and silly (but fun) icebreaker. Most of our activities take place on Saturday. There was a scavenger hunt, which was absolutely crazy, but still a lot of fun. Come rain, sleet, hail, or snow, we always manage to get time to be outside. I went on the big swing (or the "Swing of Death" as it has been nicknamed) at least three times, if not more. The first time I rode with Becca^2. The second time I rode with Zoofy and Michelle. And the third time I rode with Kelly and Chelsea. And I chopped the rope each time. It was so much fun. I hope to increase my record next year. A group of us ventured off to the high ropes course, which I wholeheartedly passed on. I could barely get through it in dry conditions last year so I wasn't all that eager to try it in the rain. I also passed on the zipline because I didn't really feel like staying out and getting soaked for much longer. We all went to the guest house and had smoothies and kale chips. While we were there, we played a really fun game called "What's Yours Like?" At some point on Saturday, we went to art therapy and decorated pillows and drew in/on our own healing journals. We played the transplant edition of Jeopardy, and that got a little competitive. Earlier on in the day (on Saturday), Tanner, Sarang, and I led the "Risky Behaviors" session. If I'm being completely honest though, Sarang and Tanner did most of the work. Hunzallah was our prime example of what not to do. It was more conversational and casual, which was something that I think we all enjoyed. We also collectively discussed improvements that we can make for Dragonfly as a family and a team. (And if I'm being truly honest, it is going to take a lot of doing, but less so if we're all working together and helping each other out.) This morning, we played the transplant edition of the Game of Life, which was all thanks to Millie. (It was actually supposed to be my responsibility, but she picked my slack, which I'm both thankful and sorry for.) After that, we dispersed to either play in the gym or in the game room. I was going to play in the gym, but instead involved myself in conversation with Valerie, Tanner, and Becca, and later on Millie as well.

I keep thinking of what Becca said on Saturday night. She said that she knows when something isn't quite right with her because she's lost her spark. (I think it applies for her in a figurative and literal sense.) And if I'm being honest, I think I lost mine over this past semester of college, figuratively not literally. But it has returned and it'll stay for a while. I think I'm going to try a little bit harder to stay in touch with everyone, maybe even set up a video chat with a few people if we can.

I have a couple of regrets. My main regret is that I didn't take any pictures and refused to be in a lot of pictures, hahaha. That's relatively easy to remedy and I'll definitely be bugging everyone to take pictures with me next year. My second regret is that it's impossible to record and/or write down every funny thing that someone among us says or does. We had some pretty hilarious moments though, including "It must be something in the name" to the ranch dressing incident at dinner on Saturday night to Derek being hit on the head with a ping pong ball during Charlotte and Sarang's fierce ping pong game to the somewhat offbeat drum line this morning. There are so many moments that we share together and I wish I could capture all of them. I wish I could bottle them all up and let them free on my bad days.

Dragonfly means so much to me, so much that I don't know what I would have done with myself without it. I knew that there were other heart transplant recipients out there in the world, but I never knew that there were so many who were as young as I am. Before Dragonfly, I never knew about pulmonary hypertension. I'm glad that I'm more aware today than I was three years ago. It's a really nice change of pace to be with my Dragonfly family. I needed to get away from home and college and the retreat is always the perfect opportunity for that. I know that I can count on my Dragonfly family. Wherever I go, I know they're with me. And wherever they go, I'm with them. Nothing will ever change that. I love you all.

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A few little things to add: 

-To Justine: We love and miss you so much. You are in our thoughts, prayers, and hearts. Your Dragonfly family will always be there for you. 

-To Bre, Darby, Missy, Rachel, and all those who have previously attended the teen retreat, but were unable to make it this year: We missed you so much and hope to see you next year.

-Also this weekend, we had the pleasure of celebrating for two people very near and dear to me. On Friday night, we wished Millie a very happy birthday. And last night, Saturday night, we congratulated Tanner on his fourth heartiversary. Much love to you both. Here's to many more years to come. 

-If you have the time, please visit the Dragonfly Heart Camp website (http://www.dragonflyheartcamp.org) and like the Facebook page (Dragonfly Heart Camp Inc.) If you'd like to make a donation to Dragonfly Heart Camp, you can do so through the website. Thank you for your support. 

Dragonfly Summer Camp

I've been away from home for days at a time before, but this time was a little bit different...

I went to Dragonfly's summer camp at Camp Fairlee. I technically went as a counselor in training, but I really ended up as just a camper. And to be honest, I still don't really know what I was supposed to have been doing anyway. But I had a wonderful time, one that I won't soon forget, one that I will cherish and hold onto forever.

Sunday was the first day of camp. It was a bit depressing to me. I felt so alone and awkward, even with my friends around me. I couldn't shake the feeling away. I wanted to leave and never come back, and I even considered telling Rhonda or Kathi that, but I didn't. I'm the kind of person that can give you my life story easily, but at the same time I'm also the kind of person that needs time to settle and become comfortable. That was the hardest part for me. When I'm around new people, I need time to show people who I am. It's like Maria said, I did become more confident by the end of camp. I wish I was that way from the beginning, but opening up to new people has never been easy for me.

Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday were all so fun. We did so many things: climbing a rock wall to go ziplining, sailing, going on nature walks, singing and talking at the campfires at night, water games, swimming, arts and crafts, chatting at mealtimes, staying up late talking, having a talent show, dancing, singing camp songs at odd intervals, and a lot more. I didn't get to learn how to sail, but I did ride on a big boat. The late night walk that a select few of us went on was a beautiful night. The stars were shining so bright and brilliantly and each of us were at peace. The campfires were so much fun. I have to admit that the camp songs were really silly, but they grew on me. I never want to forget them now. I didn't go swimming, but I put my feet in pool. I love how so many people got into bracelet making, it made me happy. I only participated in the water fight against the Pocomoke boys. The water obstacle course with the slide seemed like it was fun, but I was sick of water and wanted to stay dry. We shared our stories with each other and learned about our counselors, we teased playfully and laughed wholeheartedly at each other's silliness. I never thought that I'd miss all of the things that we did, but I do.

Thursday morning was a mixed bag of feelings. I've always been the kind of person who changes their mind. I was so sure that I'd be miserable at camp, but I wasn't. I endured through a rough first day and found myself glad to be there. I was standing with Manesh, Kathi, and Nathan, just listening and talking when an opportunity arose or when a question was directed towards me. Manesh asked me if I had enjoyed camp and I said yes. I couldn't meet his eyes or anyone else's so I looked at the ground with a big smile stuck to my face. I asked Manesh and Nathan what they got out of Dragonfly. Manesh talked about how special each of us are and Nathan talked about our bravery. I told them and Kathi that bravery was never a choice for us. We had to be brave. I said that it was because it was all we knew being in the situations that we found ourselves in. When I said that, I didn't really mean myself as much as I did everyone else. I look at Gwen, our Harvard graduate with a PhD and honors, and think of how mature and brilliant she is. I look at Darby and I see how strong her will to live life and enjoy every bit of it is, how determined she is. I look at Coralys, one of Dragonfly's younglings, and I just want to scoop her up in my arms and hug her because she's been through so much for being so young and it doesn't slow her down at all. I look at all of the Dragonfly campers that attended camp this year and I feel warm and fuzzy on the inside. I'm so amazed by how wonderful each of them are and I'm proud of them for everything that they've endured. And I guess I'm also amazed that I'm one of them too.

My heart aches for camp, for my Dragonfly family and friends. I never expected to think so fondly of my experience. I miss it so much. I miss my friends and the fun that we had together. I miss the counselors and their accents. They have some of the most beautiful voices that I've ever heard. It was so entertaining to hear them using different words to describe things (paper towels are kitchen rolls, flashlights are torches, fanny packs are bum bags, pants are underwear, sneakers are trainers, sweaters are jumpers, etc.). I admire all of the counselors so much. They work so incredibly hard and cater to the needs of the campers so well. On Tuesday, when we had our last campfire, I remember saying that I don't think I'll ever be like them. And I'm not sure who it was, my memory fails me, but someone said that I will be able to do the things that they do. At this point in time, I don't know if I'm capable. There is one important thing to be said: the counselors are now a permanent part of Dragonfly's growing family and they always will be, even if we never meet again. I know that everyone else changed the lives of the counselors (I don't include myself because I don't have an impact on people), but the counselors changed our lives too. Everything about them makes me want to be a better person, a stronger person than I am. I hope I can be like them someday.

I liked being away from home and being with people who know what it's like to be me. Most of us take the same medication and have had similar experiences. Even though Gwen (she's a multivisceral organ transplant) and Darby (she's got pulmonary hypertension) are going through different things than the rest of us, I know that they understand what it's like and I hope and would like to say that I understand what it's like for them too. At the end of the day, it doesn't matter if you've had a transplant or if you've got pulmonary hypertension (or if you're the family member or friend of someone who's had a transplant or has pulmonary hypertension), Dragonfly is a family. And I'm glad to be a part of it.
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"I'm the mermaid of dirt." - Bradley

"...flop around like a dead fish." - Bradley

"Fawzia, your butt's wet!" - Bre
"Shut up, Bre!" - Me
(Later on, Bre tells me that she just wanted everyone to look at my butt. My DHC friends, gotta love 'em.)

"Everywhere we go
people want to know
who we are and where we come from
so we tell them
we're from Dragonfly
mighty mighty Dragonfly
and if they can't hear us, we sing a little louder"
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If you'd like to make a donation of any amount (even the littlest bit counts) to Dragonfly Heart Camp, please follow this link:http://www.dragonflyheartcamp.org/index.html. The donate button is on the right side of the page if you scroll down just a little bit. Thank you for reading and thinking of us.

Embers

Hello there, how are you? I'm doing fairly well. I haven't blogged in quite some time due to life and college and stress and other things of that nature. Last week was spring break and it was absolutely wonderful to be off and not have so much to worry about with regards to homework and studying and going to class. However, this week has probably been the most stressful week of all out of the whole semester so far. A lot of my friends and I have been really high-strung and uptight lately, which is mostly due to a biology project that we're required to present. Speaking of which, I think I messed up my group's performance and probably brought it down because I stumbled and went blank. I'm so glad I decided to make note cards and take them up with me. Before the presentation, I think I was feigning confidence and not being nervous. As soon as it was my turn to speak, I completely lost it for whatever reason. I got through it though and so did my group. I don't feel so guilty, but there is a very slight tinge because I think I was the big problem. But honestly, I don't care because I did what I had to do. I'm not going to sit here and beat myself up over it. As soon as it was done, I left it in the time that it happened. It's in the past now. I realize that the time of the presentation and the overall performance won't matter in the future. It's not going to matter when I'm graduating college.

My Wednesday wasn't destroyed by that presentation though. I saw Gee and everything was just how it should be. Brittany and I caught up with her and filled her in on the gaps. So much time has passed and our lives are really so different, but we're the same with each other as we've always been. A stable friendship, I think it can be called. A stable friendship that I'm glad to have.

And for the rest of the day, I spent my time in one of my favorite ways. I spent it with my friends, talking and laughing, trying to reassure them. I've realized that we've all come so far. Our friendships aren't perfect, nor should they be, but we're making them best of our time together. Trials and tribulations will take place, but I know that we're a strong bunch and that we'll fight against whatever comes our way. We may not always be together, but we're with each other in spirit and reminding each other to keep our heads up.

Note: Here's my nod to the title! The title of this post is Embers, which is a song by Owl City. And for everything that's happened recently, I thought it was fitting. Right now, everyone is fighting their way through college. Whether we realize it or not, we're doing it together. And no matter how many awful days or times that there are, we'll make it to the end of the day. And we'll be shining like the stars that we are. And it will always get better.

Loved

I've been going through a really rough patch lately. It's been more of an emotional roller coaster ride. These days, I mainly feel one of two emotions: happiness or sadness. I keep switching back and forth within hours without meaning to. I don't hate college or the people I've come to befriend, but it's been hard. It's difficult being a commuter. I have days when I feel like I really belong and days when I feel so left out. And no one has bridged the gap.

Yesterday, I saw Lauren and Claire. We went to IHOP. And it felt so good to see them again. Normalcy was temporarily reestablished in those few hours. I was myself, my real self. And today, I spent some much needed time with Lauren, Megan, and Kasey. We mostly just snuggled and cuddled and just talked. We laughed like we used to. I missed the familiarity, the weirdness, and the way I could just be myself. I was happy. Content. At peace. I think it's true when they say that distance makes the heart grow fonder.

My college friends, I like them very much. But I feel so left out, kind of empty inside, when I'm with some of them. I don't know why I feel like I'm unimportant. I don't know what to do in order to feel like I'm complete. Half of the time when I'm with them, I'm ready to fall apart because I don't feel loved. So, if we're friends and you've been curious about how I've been feeling, this is it. This is what's been eating at me.

I'm glad that I'll be able to see all of my friends properly in a few weeks if I don't see them now. Being able to see them at intervals makes college and our separation bearable. And so, at this point in time, I'm content. I'm content because I've been reunited with some of my favorite people in the whole world. It feels good to be loved by friends and know that it's true.

Dragonfly Retreat #2

This past weekend I spent some time with a group of people that I regard as a second family, my Dragonfly family. It felt so nice to be back around people who understand what I've been through, what I go through, and what I will go through someday. It's actually really funny to me how well things worked out this year. At the end of the retreat last year, I honestly don't ever remember being extremely close to anyone. I mean, I really liked everyone, but I was still new and adjusting. I think it's true when they say that distance makes the heart grow fonder. As soon I met back up with my old friends from last year, we all just clicked right away. I definitely enjoyed my second year as a camper more than I did my first year just because familiarity was already established.

We did a lot of really amazing activities this year. I liked the activities better this year. We did yoga (which by the way has made me sore...I definitely don't use all of those muscles on a daily basis!), which was new this year. We also went ziplining and went on the giant swing. I went ziplining at the same time as Dr. Scheel. I went on the giant swing twice. The first time was with Bre and Tanner. The second time was with Dr. Scheel and Kelly. On the second time around, I pulled the blue rope to make us drop. I was so excited about doing that. The high ropes was new this year. Let me be the first to say that I'm all about adrenaline rushes, but high ropes are not my cup of tea. Unfortunately, I didn't realize that until after I got through it, but I'm still actually proud that I did it. High ropes aren't for everyone. Funnily enough, Darby loved the high ropes, but refused to go on the swing. To each their own. There was smoothie making and a little bit of winding down time after our adventures. And then we did karaoke of sorts, which was hilarious but it actually turned out being a lot of fun after we loosened up. The songs of the night, in my opinion, were "We Are Family," "Roar," "Blurred Lines," and "Gangnam Style." When "We Are Family" came on, pretty much everyone jumped up and let go. It was a really great Saturday and I hope we keep these activities because it's the activities that start to bring us together. Earlier this morning, we decorated little buckets and put a list of things we want to do in life inside of them. We essentially created bucket lists. (Except I didn't actually get the chance to make my list so I will get to that eventually. I thought it was definitely a cute and creative idea.)

Last year, I remember feeling sad because it seemed like mostly everyone knew each other and they did because they had all been going to camp together for years. I think it just started off with the CHOP kids and now other hospitals are joining in. I am really glad that I got the chance to go again. I got the chance to make new friends and reconnect with my old ones. I tried new things and had all sorts of crazy fun experiences. I really like being away from "normal" people and spending time with my Dragonfly family because they all know the single most important thing about me and they'll never treat me differently.

During the Dragonfly retreat, our souls were set free. They danced and sang and laughed. They hugged and comforted and loved. Most importantly though, they soared high into the sky, spread their wings, and flew.

We are organizers and planners who make the magic happen. We are living with transplants or pulmonary hypertension. We are stubborn fighters and lovers. We are Dragonfly and we are determined to make the best of our lives whether we are "normal" or not.

Endings

Earlier today (I guess it would be considered to be yesterday, but it's not tomorrow until I go to sleep and wake up), I realized that endings are inevitable. When one chapter closes, another one begins. Of course, I've had this realization before. Back in my junior year, I feared the end of my high school career. I was probably afraid that I'd lose all of my friends, that I'd never see or talk to any of them. When it came time for high school to come to a close, I still felt some sadness because it was ending, but I silently promised myself that I would maintain my friendships. It's been a bit difficult, but I still have my friends. Even though most of us are miles away from each other, we haven't let go of each other. I wonder if we'll get to the point where we will turn away from each other. I know, it's not a happy thought, but won't these friendships I have come to an end? Or am I just being my usual pessimistic self? I can't be the only one who thinks about this kind of stuff...

Anyway, I felt a similar sadness to the one I felt when high school was ending. It's so strange, but I almost want to say that it hurt more. And for me to be able to say that means that I've come a long way since the start of college. A really long way in a short amount of time. There are already people that I don't want to lose, but I'm fearful that I will. I need to give more credit where it's due, I know that. I'm jumping to conclusions too quickly. At the same time though, time isn't indicative of how strong a friendship is though. I've known one of my good friends for around a year and a half or so, and I can't imagine who I'd be today without him. That's how I know that time isn't an indicator.

It's just disappointing to have this realization over and over again. In times like this, forever is a silly concept to me. Sigh. It's too soon to be thinking like this.

Impasse

I suppose this is an impasse of sorts. I don't know where this will go. But I want to apologize if I come across as too demanding. I'm unsure of how you view things because I don't know you well enough to know your frame of mind. Nevertheless, I'm sorry for expecting too much. I just wish you were more of a tangible person. Can you imagine yourself in my shoes?

I did distance myself in a way. I guess you could say that I still sometimes distance myself, but only when I'm not around you. You feel familiar to an extent, but somehow not enough for me to be entirely at ease. But I don't think this will become complete comfort. Too early to tell perhaps, but it seems that way now. There's a slight sadness hidden in the happiness because progression has been slow. That's not the real reason though. Tangibility. Can I reach you? 

A Summer Sunset

Today I had the wonderful opportunity to have dinner at Tracy Fitzsimmon's (SU's president) house with other presidential scholars. And, as you can probably assume, I went to her house. Upon arrival, I was really awkward and shy/quiet. Of course, Tracy being who she is, had two returning presidential scholars go on a brief walk with a new presidential scholar. And I actually DID talk to the two returning presidential scholars that I happened to be paired with. With the help of Alex and Dorothy, I think I started to unwind a little bit. 

We all ventured inside of Tracy's house to go and have dinner. Now, she wanted us to NOT sit next to someone we had previously talked to. It was funny because Dorothy, Alex, and I sat at the same table. And I was extremely lucky because Silvino came to sit next to me. He's just someone who makes you smile and laugh for no reason. Chad, who is a biology and chemistry double major, sat on the other side of me. Garrett, who's also a freshman, was at the table with us; I remembered Garrett from the presidential scholar breakfast we had a few months ago. I think my table was the luckiest because we got Tracy. We managed a little bit of small talk. And today was one of the first times that I've been honest about how it feels to be a commuter. It does feel lonely, but maybe it won't always be that way. 

After dinner, we went upstairs to have dessert. Dessert was delicious. Apple pie and whatever the other thing was. So good. During dessert, I was being awkward again. Actually, up until this point, I was still being awkward. Thankfully, I was saved by Zack and Chad. This is when I discovered Chad's double major and also the trip to New York. Zack talked about his experience there when he had gone and it really sounded like such a good time. I mean, I've been to New York before, but I've never been sightseeing before so I'm looking forward to it. 

And the highlight of the night happened after dessert when we all went outside as a group. Some of us decided we wanted to feed the two horses; we fed the horses carrots and apples. It was a new experience and it was exciting. We were all just having a good time with each other. Silvino took a selfie with one of the horses; it was a good time. We all kind of dispersed after feeding the horses. Some people stayed by the fence and continued to talk, others were seen playing soccer, and the rest of us were just talking in small groups. I was in a group with Mirando, Kriti, Sapana and Tracy. It wasn't an extremely long conversation, but we all chimed in. Family, future, our majors, our lives. 

The sun was setting as it neared 8. A summer sunset. A moment of honest happiness. A feeling of hope for the future. A feeling of warmth and togetherness that I hadn't experienced in a group of so many people. And a curious wondering about whether or not these budding friendships will bloom and thrive. I'm still shy, but in this group of my own, I'm willing to try. I think the best part is that I don't have to fake it. It will take time, but next year I'd like to greet everyone with hugs. Just when I was unwinding, I had to leave. I surprised myself tonight. I didn't expect to have already fallen for them. Such different personalities, but all so kind at heart. I'm still iffy, but this is the first step in the right direction for me, I think.

You know those seemingly perfect scenes that sometimes happen in slice of life anime? That's what tonight felt like. The perfect sunset. 

I'm slowly remembering how to smile the way I used to. I'm remembering how to be me.

 

3 Idiots

3 Idiots. One of the greatest Bollywood movies I have ever seen in my life. And now, it's become my favorite. THANKS AARTI! Before I started watching the movie, I just thought it was going to be one of those silly comedy flicks, but I was wrong. I was so very wrong. It was so much more than that. Not to mention, the music was absolutely gorgeous.

3 Idiots has a lot of different themes and as much as I'd love to focus on just one of the themes, I can't. I'll start with the most obvious one though: friendship/love. I think people sometimes forget that one of the most beautiful forms of love exists in friendship hence why I put a slash between the two. Anyway, the portrayal of friendship and love was so beautiful and moving. Rancho, Raju, and Farhan end up in the same room at the Imperial College of Engineering (ICE) and become fast friends. It is really hard to put all of my feelings into why I love their friendship/bromance. Simply put, they are always there for each other. Even though Rancho is at the top of the class, he doesn't put himself above Raju and Farhan. Raju and Farhan accept Rancho for the eccentric, free spirit that he is. When Raju's father goes into cardiac arrest and an ambulance can't reach there quick enough, it is Rancho who rushes him to the hospital, ultimately saving the life of Raju's father. And when Raju tearfully thanks Rancho, it's just so beautiful. I cried. When Raju is threatened with expulsion if he doesn't pin a drunk (and rather funny) incident on Racho, he refuses and instead goes to an extreme. That extreme measure puts Raju in a coma and in the hospital. Faithfully as ever though, Rancho and Farhan are there. Rancho is even able to finally convince Farhan to go to his parents and tell them that he doesn't want to be an engineer, but a wildlife photographer. The friendship that these three share is overwhelmingly powerful. Understand that Farhan and Raju never would have changed had it not been for Rancho. They needed him as much as he needed them. Real friends, true friends, they love you for who you are, no matter how strange. They inspire you and encourage you. They make you laugh and cry. And they are always there for you. At the core of all everlasting and meaningful friendships is love.

One of the other prominent themes in 3 Idiots is success. Rancho believes that one should follow excellence rather than success. Success will take care of itself. "Follow excellence, success will chase you, pants down." In the same line of success is what we dream of being in the future, what we want as a future career. In both Indian and Pakistani culture, science is highly valued and rightfully so. But even so, becoming an engineer or a doctor isn't all that exists out there. In the movie, Rancho tells Farhan that he will regret not taking the chance to become a wildlife photgrapher while he still has the opportunity to do so. At ICE, the students are made to believe that life is a race. Rancho being who he is doesn't believe that. He makes a point of how the education system at ICE is broken and places too much pressure on students. And quite honestly, that same thought can probably be applied to education systems put in place today, all over the world. We live our lives thinking that we've got to be number one. And all we seem to do is memorize. Rancho knows that isn't right and I do too. Life isn't a race so stop treating it like one. You don't have to be number one to be successful or content as seen with Farhan and Raju. And even if you are number one, be the right kind of number one. Be the person that loves to learn for the sake of increasing your own knowledge. Be the person that wants to learn and apply what you learn when you can. Be the student that earns the astronaut pen of excellence. 

The whole movie is just so inspiring, especially after you discover the truth about Rancho. It really teaches you a lot about life and even about yourself. I will forewarn you and say that it is a movie of feelings. Lots of feelings. It was so moving that I cried and laughed and smiled. I stared at the screen intently, waiting to see what would happen next to the three idiots. I can honestly say that watching 3 Idiots was worth approximately 3 hours. It's a movie that everyone should watch. I'm certain that everyone can take away something from the movie.

I will now leave you with one of the songs from 3 Idiots with a link to the English translation. And if anyone is interested in watching the movie, send a message my way. Enjoy!

http://lyricstranslate.com/en/behti-hawa-sa-tha-woh-be-flowing-wind.html

Dragonfly Retreat

I just had one of the most amazing weekends of my entire life, one of the best actually. I went to the Dragonfly Heart Camp Retreat at NorthBay in Maryland. I didn't realize that this weekend would make me feel so much better and hopeful. I met other heart transplant recipients, a lung transplant recipient, and pulmonary hypertension patients, in addition to some medical personnel. I thoroughly enjoyed the weekend. I can't even express how amazing it was for me and for my new friends. 

I knew that there were other transplant recipients running around somewhere, but I never could find them...until now. I met people who are more than 5 years out of transplant, even 15 years and more. It was incredible. It gives me hope for the future. I'm not a statistic. No one gets to tell me that because I'm a transplant recipient I'll only live for a certain amount of time, because of the people I met. 

I'm not going to be able to say everything that I want to say, but I'm going to at least try to say some more. I just have so much to say about this weekend. We all learned something and had the chance to discuss a lot of things. It was nice to be around people who understand me because they've been there. They know how it feels and so I don't have to feel alone in the world anymore. I have a strong support team now with people who truly do understand what it's like. This experience has made me stronger. I now take my medicine without my applesauce. I refuse to go back to it because if my friends can take theirs without something like that, then I can too. 

While at camp, I found myself starting to think 'Wow, your life was so much worse than mine,' but then I realized that we've all had it tough and that includes me too. I can't say that their experience is worse than mine or that they feel more pain than I do. We've all had it rough, but it's made us so much stronger and all the more motivated. We are inspirations to each other, because each one of us has fought their own fight and still continues to move on and push for another day to live. We all have a purpose in life. 

Feelings aside, this was an extremely fun filled weekend. There was ziplinig, the swing, rock climbing, indoor bonfires, smores, playing ping pong, table hockey, and pool, and just having fun with each other. The girls and I stayed up the second night to talk. It was a lot of fun. 

My thoughts are all over the place. I really miss camp. I miss my friends. I miss being able to take medicine with other people. I miss doing all of those fun activities. I miss having breakfast, lunch, and dinner together. I miss the story telling and the crafts. I miss everything. And I am a little sad, but I know that I'll see everyone again. Even if I don't, they're always with me because of the special bond we've created. No one can break that. Together, we are stronger. I'm not alone. 

It was a life changing experience.

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"Five heart transplant recipients, ten souls" - Derek 

"Shit's about to hit the fan" - Bre (She said something like this, haha)

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Link to a compilation of pictures and a video from Dragonfly: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ljytvb264JU

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I've dubbed Johns Hopkins as JHOP since Children's Hospital of Philadelphia is shortened to CHOP. :)

Unedited Thoughts

When I decided to take my break from blogging, I had wanted to be away for a month. That didn't work though. While I was away, I was thinking. Instrumental music helps me dig up old emotions and current emotions and just reflect on them. Of course, my thoughts get a little...well, I'll just let you see for yourself.

9/23/12:

Don't ever "give" your heart to someone. It will be thrown around, kicked, and beaten. But perhaps the scariest thing that can happen is that someone will treasure it. Someone will care for it and protect it. In the world today, it seems that people will care for your heart until you are no longer of any great use. How can you tell if people are sincere? Why subject yourself to that kind of pain? Don't ever "give" your heart to someone. You might never get it back. And then what would be left of you? 

The past. We left it covered in glass. I know why I feel trapped. I know why I can't move. I know why I can't reach out and feel you there. I've been sealed in the glass. I can't feel myself here anymore.  

At some point in life, we struggle to express ourselves. I've never really been able to express the way I feel accurately enough. I'm not an artist of any kind. I do not draw. I do not paint. I do not play a single instrument. I do not write. I do not act. I don't have any of that and I feel like that contributes to why I can't express who I am. Well, sort of. I've been thinking too much again...

9/24/12:

Freedom. The feeling of being free. There are people we meet who set us free. They teach us to breathe. They teach us to live. And they are irreplaceable. But those are the people who we are fated to lose. They are not bound to anyone. They are free. 

Why do other people believe in us when we don't even believe in ourselves? People say that if you don't believe in yourself, then no one will. Why does that seem like such a lie?  

People say that you meet your real friends in college. I can't bring myself to believe that. I refuse to believe it, even though I've seen it happen. But what about the friends I've made throughout high school and even before then? Do they not matter? Unlike some of my other peers, I don't "clean" my slate after each year has passed.

I don't throw people away intentionally. I hope no one has felt that I've thrown them away. It's happened to me before. It's happening now. I want to stand up and stop it, but why should I? Yes, I have extremely low self-esteem and yes, I feel like I'm garbage when people toss me out. I'm one of those people who unfortunately believes that they're worthless no matter what they say or do. A person who lacks purpose. But of course, that's my depressed, negative self talking. It's not a lie or some fantasy I've cooked up, I really do feel that way sometimes. It's not so much the fault of other people as it is my own.

I know how foolish I am when it comes to friendships. I'd rather be a fool than anything else. I don't want to lose people, but I know I will. It's happening. One by one, they'll all turn and walk away. I understand that they have to. But I don't like it. If that's the reality of life, why do we have friends to begin with?

9/27/12:

Heh, I always end up insisting that I'm not intelligent. Mrs. Britton and I chatted today. She thinks I'm intelligent. I guess I am to an extent, but I don't see myself as intelligent when mostly everyone else around me is so much smarter. Why do people think I'm smart? I'm not really trying to be modest, I just don't think a lot of myself. I could be more knowledgeable. I wish I had worked harder when I was younger. I know I should believe in myself more and not be so hard on myself, but I can't help it. I've become so used to doing things for other people. My grades, they're not for me as much as they are for the people around me. I feel like I have to be perfect and infallible. The intelligence I'm told that I have is for display. I wish it wasn't, but I feel like I have to prove that I'm not the fool that I think I am. It's nice to hear people say I'm intelligent and it's funny too because I'm always trying to refute it. I don't believe in myself enough yet. I haven't found that middle ground between humble and arrogant. I'm working on it...

That was all over the place...

9/29/12:

I finally went to Walmart to pick up my two new pairs of glasses. I decided that the blue frames will become my normal pair while the thicker purplish-pinkish will be reserved for when I decide to dress up...or for when I feel like wearing them. My new glasses feel and look weird. I don't think the blue frames suit me well. I like my old glasses, the burgundy frames. Those are really old, at least four years old. I like them though. I feel like they suited me well. I don't particularly like thick frames, which are in style now. Well, I don't like them for myself. They look fine on other people. I just think I'm better suited to thin frames. I wonder if anyone will notice that I have new glasses. I won't feel upset if no one notices. I usually don't notice stuff like that on other people. I guess I need to get used to these blue frames even if I don't want to. 

Okay, now it's time for me to comment on all of that. I'm sure you noticed the colours. I did that on purpose because for the first two days I listed, I had multiple thoughts that I wrote about. Each one of those thoughts from 9/23 and 9/24 were brought on because of instrumental music. The thoughts from 9/27 and 9/29 were based on real events, whereas the previous two were purely ideas and feelings. In my present state, I probably would want to take back some of these old thoughts. I won't though, because what I said was reflective of how I was feeling. 

One other thing, I've already gotten used to my new glasses...haha.

Did I Really Write This?

I found a paper that I wrote in 8th grade. Reading it now, I've realized that my opinion and the way I feel about who my friends are might have actually changed a bit. I can't believe I'm doing this, but I'll let you read what I wrote back in 8th grade. Keep in mind that it's been a few years since then. Before I start, I'd like to mention that I never titled this paper for some reason. Also, I probably have a ton of mistakes in regards to grammar and such.

     What exactly is a friend? A friend has many traits, both good and bad. Often times the good traits cross out the bad. Good friends are loyal, loving, trustworthy, and they know just how to lift your spirits when you're feeling down.

     Friends who care are always there for you. They may not always understand but they do their best to support you. There's been days when I've been depressed, confused, or angry but my friends were there to sort out my tangled emotions. 

     Can you keep a secret? Secrets happen to be a big part of trust. By telling someone a secret you give them the power to go off and spread a rumor. True friends, however, will keep your trust. My trust has been betrayed a few times before so I don't trust people so easily. 

     Has there ever been a day when you wanted to break down in tears? It's times like those that you really need a friend. Somehow, friends always know how to bring that sunshine out from behind the clouds. No matter how much you cry or what the reason is for you crying, your friends know how to make you smile and laugh. 

     Loyalty, trust, and the ability to make a frown turn upside down are some of the qualities I look for in a friend. Without my friends I might not have made it this far. I'm glad I have the friends that I have. The best thing about my friends is that they love me for me. 

Eeek, there must have been something wrong with me in 8th grade, because I'm pretty sure I'm missing a lot of needed commas. The more I look at this, the more I wonder what was going on with me back then. It's been a few years since I wrote this and I definitely have a lot to comment on, but I won't touch upon every little thing. 

First of all, I don't like how I seem so centered around my friends. I mean, I love my friends, but I place a high importance on my family as well. I guess it just sounds so friend centered because that's what this paper was/is all about. 

Look at how funny I am. "Friends who care..." Let me just say one thing: I can't be friends with someone who doesn't care about me. In any friendship, there has to at least be a sliver of caring present. 

Secrets? Yeah, I have secrets. Trust? Now that I think about it, I don't think I've ever really had my trust betrayed. Trust is still an issue for me though. I consider myself to be a pretty open person, but I am foolish. I am foolish because I trust that people won't hurt me. That's complete folly. People always hurt you, even if they don't mean to. I don't like being thrown away, and I sincerely hope that no one has ever felt that I've thrown them away. 

I'm not good with people who are crying. That's funny because I cry a lot. Some things don't change. My friends are still very good at cheering me up. But I've realized that it's nice to have friends who can make you cry too. I have a friend who is a professional when it comes to making me cry. That friend doesn't even have to try very hard. I like that. 

"I'm glad I have the friends that I have." <---- This hasn't changed, it's still true. 

I probably should stop with all this talk of friendship, but I can't help it. I have so much to say, even though most of it is all the same. Anyway, this paper from 8th grade is kind of embarrassing. I can't help but wonder if I'm still the same as I was then. I don't think I am, but who really knows?

A Flower Waiting for Death

What am I holding on to? A person? The person's expressions? The memories? 

I guess the better question is why am I holding on? I can't make the person care when I know for a fact that I mean absolutely nothing. Why am I trying to mean something? Why am I trying to reassure myself? Why am I still listening? Why can't I tell whether this person is a true friend or just someone set to hurt me for fun? I don't understand. 

This friendship, it blossomed in spring. Now it's trying to withstand the summer heat. By autumn, it will probably be dead; in fact, I kind of hope for it to be dead. And when winter comes around, it will have vanished entirely. It will be as if it never existed. Would it be better to kill the flower now, instead of waiting for it to gradually shrivel up and die? I wonder.

What prompted this? It was a nice day outside. I was just standing in place and staring around when the thoughts started flowing in. I need to go outside more often and spend time alone so I can think more.

Another Friendship Thing

Most of us belong to more than one circle; by circle, I don't necessarily mean clique. I mean that we all have different groups of friends. We have the friends that we are always nice to, the friends we can insult, the friends we spend a lot of time with, etc. 

The different circles bother me sometimes. I'm bothered by how I can never be in some of the circles that I wish to be in. I don't care to try anymore though. I'm not going to force my way into other circles anymore. I'm not going to try to find a permanent spot in places that I don't belong and never will belong in. I know when people don't want me and when I don't fit in. 

Where am I going with this? Who really knows? I just needed to let this out of my brain. I'll probably read this over again later and question what was wrong with me when I wrote it. Time to do math homework...or at least look over the homework.

"You have stolen my heart"

Today was wonderful. I got to spend today with two of my favorite people, Deepak (Tomy) and Casey. We got the chance to go see an open heart surgery; I am unable to disclose more information other than that due to HIPAA. I have to say that the heart was really beautiful looking though. Very pretty looking.

Anyway, today was a special day for me. As I continue to spend more time with these two, I feel myself wanting to change. For too long, I've felt sad about things that have happened in my life, whether it's to me, my family, or my friends. But as Deepak (Tomy) and Casey would say: "Get over it!"/"Get over yourself!" And that's what I want to do. It's important to feel all emotions, but there's a rightful time and place to mention certain things and feel a certain way. I play the surgery card too much with those two, most of the time jokingly but I realize that I need to stop doing that. It's not that I want to forget those days entirely and make it as though I went through nothing, it's just that it's time for me to move on. I want to move on for myself, for them, and everyone I care about.

It's time for me to look forward. I don't know what's going to happen in the future. I don't know where we will be in the future. I don't know if I'll be friends with these two in a few years. I sincerely hope that the three of us will still be close. Will it hurt if they're not in my life? Yes, I'm sure it will from time to time, but what I've felt with them won't be forgotten. Sometimes, people enter our lives when we need them and then they will leave when they complete their purpose. We might forget what we've said and what happened, but I know that I'll never forget how I feel.

There are special people who enter our lives. They walk through our hearts, leaving their footprints, influence, and love behind. Deepak (Tomy) and Casey have been doing that for me. As Deepak (Tomy) reads this, I bet he'll be thinking "yeah, yeah, yeah" or something along the lines of that, because I always express my affection for the two of them. Even today, when I said "I hate you" to them it was simply code for "I love you."

Oh yeah, I should probably mention what the title is about. "You have stolen my heart" is from a song called Stolen by Dashboard Confessional; it's a song that I really like. And maybe I should mention why today was such a great day, besides seeing the open heart surgery. As expected, too much PDA occurred today between all three of us, haha. But the PDA expressed by the two of them was hilarious, cute, and sweet all at once. They held hands today while walking across the street to the bus, guaranteed it looked more like Casey was being pulled along at one point but it was still an "awww" moment. And I definitely won't forget what Deepak (Tomy) said to Casey: "Honey, come back." Today was definitely one of the best days I've had with those two. If only HIPAA wasn't in place then I could blab about how cool today was...

Side Notes: 

-I know I talk about these two a lot. Part of the reason for that is because I've spent so much time with them lately. The other part is because I'm glad to have them in my life. They tease me, tell me to move on, make me feel more emotions than just happiness, and deep down inside, I know that they care.

-This is more of me rambling about how much I love Deepak (Tomy) and Casey. :D 
-I can't wait until this romance blossoms, haha. So much PDA! :D

Letting Go and Reaching Out

I've been thinking about a certain person I know. I don't hate the person. No, I don't think I ever could. I see the person as a friend and a very special friend at that. But now I'm wondering if that friendship is fading. I'm wondering if I've convinced myself to let go. I'm wondering if they see our friendship fading and if they care enough to make it continue.

It wasn't long after I became friends with this person that I started to depend on them. A lot. I still depend on that friend. I bet my dependence on that person is suffocating them, not literally I hope. I'm aware of the dependence I have, which is why I keep telling myself to let go. 

I'm scared now, because I think I might really be letting go. It's not that I don't want to. I mean I guess I want to let go and let my friend breathe for once, but I don't want our friendship to fall apart. It feels like it's doing exactly that and at times I find myself not caring as much. That scares me. I've never been okay with losing a friend. How did I convince myself that I'll be fine with losing them? Half of me has moved on, but the other half is resisting. The other half is trying to make my decided half question everything. And it usually does, but I don't know what will happen now.

I have another friendship thing (I don't want to call it an issue or problem because it's really not) that's been on my mind lately. How do people become friends? I think about this a lot. I don't understand it. I can remember the time period in which I became friends with a person, but I can't remember the exact moment of when I knew that the person and I were friends. Is there a specific moment that friendship happens in? 

There is one person in particular that I want to be friends with or at least a bit closer to. I think I've been reaching out, but friendship takes two people. The other person has to reach out too. But I don't think that person really cares; that person doesn't need me but I want them in my life. I feel like I need to know this person more.

I just don't understand why I care about people that I don't know. I don't know why I want to be friends with certain people over others. I don't know why I can't hold myself back from reaching out. I don't know why I feel like I need certain people in my life. 

Friendship is a strange thing. I wonder if I'll ever be able to understand the concept entirely. I wonder if I'll ever find the answers to these questions.

Valuing People

Today, I noticed that one of my friends, Rida, posted a very thought provoking status. Her status was this: When you start giving someone too much importance in your life, you tend to lose your value in their life. Strange but true. Other than your parents and close family. After I saw that, I thought about how true it kind of is. 

These are the three things that describe me when it comes to my close (and sometimes not so close) friendships/relationships with others: clingy, attached, & overly affectionate. I'm guilty of giving people too much importance, I'm aware that I do it. But what can I do when that's just the way I am? 

Just how much value have I lost in the lives of those people that I care about so much? I want to be valued just as much as the next person does. Isn't that what we all want though, to be valued, to feel important? I guess I overdo it, but I think it's because I'm afraid. I'm afraid of losing people. Not a day of school goes by when I don't see someone that I used to be close to and wonder if they want to be friends again. I've realized over and over again that I can't hold onto everyone.

Do others value me as much as I value them? Honestly, I don't think so. I value other people too much, more than I should probably, in comparison to how much they value me. That's fine with me though. I need to learn to not smother people with my affections, because I know it will backfire on me since it's happened before. If I don't learn how to do that then I'm going to lose people who have become so important to me.