"It builds character"

I graduated from SU yesterday. What's more surprising was that I didn't cry at all yesterday. I told myself that I would feel differently from when I graduated high school. Honestly, graduating from college is so different from high school. I thought I would feel sadder when I graduated from high school, but I accepted it as it was. I was quite happy throughout graduation yesterday, despite the weather. The heartache, I realized, comes later. There is so much more emotion associated with college.

I'll go back to SU more than a few times this summer, I'm sure. (Probably tomorrow, if I'm being honest.) But it won't be the same anymore. I almost feel like a memory rather than a current existence. I'll never be a student at SU again. I'll never sit in my spot in HLSB to study or do homework or procrastinate. I'll never wander through the hallway on the third floor of HLSB to bother everyone as a student ever again. It's hard to not think of all of the things I'll never do again as a student. Even though I wanted to graduate (and have), I also didn't want to leave. I don't want to be forgotten.

There's a lot of pain and heartbreak in the buildings on campus, in the walls of those buildings, and on the sidewalks. I can still picture some of the memories clearly, I can transpose them onto the surroundings. Some of them happy, some of them not so much, but all of them make me nostalgic. For this reason alone, it'll be good for me to leave and move on. It's about time I pick up my feet and let them take me elsewhere, somewhere away from home and all of the emotion associated with home.

It's funny to think back to freshman year and how painfully awkward and quiet I used to be. I used to think I would never make any friends. And then something beautiful happened and I made friends. Unfortunately, as fate would have it, I didn't get to keep all of them. Time, distance, and different perspectives can really make or break a friendship. I also made mistakes too, and those mistakes costed me a few very precious friendships that I had assumed I would have forever. Do I regret it? Of course, I always will regret that there were people I lost because of my own actions. But some lessons take some hurting to learn from them. And now, I treasure the friends that I have been able to keep all the more. No matter what happens from here on out, I'll remember everyone I held dear at Shenandoah. Memories last for as long as you choose to remember them and I choose to keep all of the ones that I can, no matter how wonderful or awful they may have been.

Thank you to everyone who has been a part of my journey at SU, especially my family, my friends (those that I've made along the way and those who have been there from before), the professors of the biology department, the professors of the chemistry department, the one man physics department, the best general education professors one could ever have, Tracy, and so many others. And thank you to God, my family, my donor family, and my donor, without whom I would not have had the opportunity to make it this far.

Thank you, SU, for loving me so well despite me being a mess.

So, what's next? Summer. Work. A microeconomics class, much to my discontent. Hopefully lots of reading. Lots of Netflix, of course. Some SU visiting. Hanging out with friends. Spending time with family.

---
The title of this blog post is the most annoying and cringeworthy catchphrase I heard over the past four years at SU. Thanks, Dr. Kite.

"Standing in the hall of fame, and the world's gonna know your name"

 

This is my obligatory graduation post, and I'm writing it two days after the fact. I was thinking about not writing one since I've blogged so much about what I anticipated my feelings for graduation would be, but it's time to say how it really felt.

I hitched a ride on graduation morning with Megan and Lauren, we picked up Kasey on our way to school. I made some comment to Megan about how it would be her last time turning into Sherando as a student. Anyway, we got to school with some free time to kill, which was spent talking and goofing off. We were slowly herded into the auditorium for some short speeches from staff (teachers, Mr. Nelson, Mr. Smith). And then we stood up to go on our final walk as students: the senior walk. The hallways were beautiful. All of the hard work showed through so brilliantly. We went through it rather quickly though. After that, we marched outside and down the steps towards the field with Pomp and Circumstance playing in the background. We walked through the two rows of teachers and to our seats. The ceremony was brief; Aarti and Christina's speeches went well. Names were called off at a rapid pace. The Warrior came out onto the field and then caps were flung into the air. 

In my opinion, it all went by too fast. I still don't even know how I'm supposed to feel. I know that I should feel overjoyed or full of sadness, but I honestly didn't feel either one right after. I mean, I'm glad that I've graduated high school and a bit sad at the same time, but nothing has changed yet. I always thought that I'd be an emotional wreck on graduation day, but I couldn't have been more wrong. Although, a few tears fell down my face when Lacy spoke in honor of Tray. How could I have possibly held back? He would have sat to my right. Anyway, it all passed too quickly for me to feel anything. Well, I did feel regret, but it was about silly and trivial matters. If I had to choose my favorite part of graduation, I think it would probably be when the Warrior came out onto the field while the perfect music was playing in the background and Mr. Nelson was saying the traditional final remarks. Somethin' like "may you soar high with the eagles." I love that. I love being a Warrior. Best mascot ever.

Now, I want to explain the song. It's kind of a big part of what I want to say to my fellow Class of 2013 Warriors, and really to all Class of 2013 graduates. When I hear "standing in the hall of fame," it reminds me of our fast paced senior walk, our handprints. With those handprints, we'll be in the "hall of fame" for at least a good 10 years. The memories of those halls aren't lost to us yet. As for the part "and the world's gonna know your name," I think it's self-explanatory. It's what I hope for my fellow graduates, that world will know our names for the Warriors that we are and always will be. All of us have the potential to be in a bigger "hall of fame" as long as we remember to strive for it. I wish my fellow Warriors all the best in the world: the utmost happiness, success, love, and struggles to remind you that you are a Warrior for a reason. Heh, Sherando isn't really a glamorous place, but it's become home for so many of us. It's where we matured, where we found ourselves, where we lost ourselves, where we made lifelong friends, where we struggled, and where we grew. Once a Warrior, always a Warrior. Don't forget my friends, "you can be a champion." And no matter where we end up Class of 2013, let's stay in touch. CONGRATULATIONS! I LOVE YOU, ALL!

[I ramble a lot. I don't think I can convey my feelings accurately and properly, but maybe the song will help out. Also, know that when I say "a bigger hall of fame," I don't necessarily mean fame and money and all of the jewels in the world. There's a hall of fame much better and more rewarding than that, and that's the one that I'm going to strive to be a part of. Being in that hall of fame means changing the world for the better or being a kid's hero, something of that nature. A permanent hall of fame.]

"I don't wanna lose you now"

She drove me home from school today. It was the very first time she's ever driven me anywhere of actual distance. We were talking comfortably on the way back to my house from Walgreens, where we stopped by briefly after the FBLA meeting ended. She told me about her interest in genealogy, said it gave her a sense of importance to document that people once existed, that she'd be visiting graveyards and taking pictures so people could find someone they're searching for. I was telling her that the three of us should hang out over the summer since he'll be home from college with nothing to do. She agreed to that and I know it's because she misses him like I do; he's always been one to genuinely listen for the most part. When she pulled into my driveway, we were talking about the future. We talked for a little while about our respective colleges (VT for her and SU for myself), our financial aid, scholarships, the cost of college, and about leaving high school. She took notice of how the front railing of the porch was taken away and of the slabs of brick laying on top of the dull gray. I told her that my father wanted to eventually sell the house so we could move. We stopped our conversation when my father got home. The green car was waiting a little ways before the driveway, almost as though he meant to park in the driveway and was waiting for her to move. He parked on the side, but she still decided to go then, probably out of embarrassment. I can't remember if I told her to drive safely, something I try to tell all of my friends as though it puts a protective spell over them. 

A little while later as I was working on a brown, green, and blue striped bracelet, I thought about what I didn't ask her, what I really wanted to know. Would she miss me? Would she try to stay in touch? I feel ridiculous for wondering, especially after all she and I have been through as friends. Some people would think me silly, but I just don't know what the future holds for us. Just like in the movie 'Stand and Deliver,' you can see the turn, but not the road. I can see the turn for both of us, but I don't see the road. I don't know if the road splits and intersects later or not. I know that I will let her spread her wings and fly, because I had to let him undergo the same process last year. And for being miles away, he didn't leave me like I once assumed he would. He stayed. With all the miles that will separate her and I, I can't help but wonder if she will stay. If they both will stay. Or if I will stay. It could go either way. For right now, I hope the three of us stay, just for a little while longer for my own selfishness.

"I don't wanna lose you now, I'm lookin' right at the other half of me" // "'Cause it's like you're my mirror, my mirror staring back at me" // "'Cause with your hand in my hand and a pocket full of soul I can tell you there's no place we couldn't go" - Mirrors by Justin Timberlake   

[While the song lyrics may not be relative to all of this, it played on her car radio. Plus, I like the song. And really, I don't want to lose her now, or him for that matter.]

And So Begins The End

I'm in Web Tech right now, supposed to be working in Publisher, but I suddenly got the urge to blog. The feeling like I need to say what I'm thinking. Today marks the beginning of the 4th and final quarter of my senior year. It's an ending as much as it is a beginning, for me and my fellow classmates. 

I'm actually having a pretty good morning and day so far. I expected it to be awful because of calculus, but I was wrong. It turned out to be a calm, easygoing class period for a change. It made me happy. We were reminded by Mrs. Berry that the 4th quarter has begun. 

I have mixed feelings. I'm very happy that it's all coming to an end, but I'm sad at the same time. I've been seeing the same people for so long, some for more than four years, but I know that we can't stay this way forever. It's almost time to go. It's difficult for us to accept that this is really going to be the end. We will never walk the halls of Sherando as students ever again. 

It tears me up inside actually. I'm trying to be really indifferent about graduation, because I promised myself that I wouldn't be sad. I want to be happy that it all happened. All of these people I've met and loved along the way, I have to be happy for them. It's not going to do any good to dwell on the time I've spent here at Sherando. 

It's not over yet though. I still have time. And while I still have time, I'm going to make it count for something. I'm going to make it last.

My Seniors Graduated!

Tonight was the night of Sherando's graduation of a very special class, class of 2012. My seniors graduated tonight. And now I am officially a senior in high school. 

I was expecting to cry tonight and I almost did especially when the seniors walked out and that typical graduation song was playing. I used to think that the song sounded sad, but not as much anymore. There's something more to that song. It gave me a sense of hope and reassurance. Most of all though, it made me even prouder of my seniors. I'm not upset anymore and I'm not going to be sad about their graduation anymore or my own for that matter. One of the speeches actually made me reach that conclusion. 

The valedictorian speeches were really great and certainly met my expectations as I knew they would. Deepak's speech was really sweet and touching, with a bit of humor added in here and there. His speech made me feel both happy and sad. Strangely enough though, his speech wasn't the one that made me truly come to terms; although, he is the person who has taught me how to move on.  

It was Abhinav's speech that made me understand. There was so much truth behind his words. He said something like, "Don't let high school be the peak of your life." After I heard Abhinav say that, I whispered "thank you Abhinav" because I needed to hear that. High school is fun but there's more in life to look forward to, that's what Abhinav made me realize. I want to look back on my high school years in the future and be happy but I don't want them to be my only happy years. Don't worry Deepak (Tomy), I still liked your speech better because there was more warmth to it.

I'm glad I got the chance to see the seniors that I really wanted to see. Right after the ceremony ended, I only had a few seniors on my mind that I had to see. When I got onto the field, I didn't know where to go. And then I saw Elizabeth. I got a picture with Elizabeth and Andy, separately of course. I hugged both of them, Holly, and Deepak (Tomy); and said congratulations to all of them and Abhinav. I called Deepak (Tomy) a jerk a few times, but I meant it lovingly and he better know that. I was really happy that I was able to catch Andy tonight. I was afraid that I wouldn't. It was really hard to find him...and it was really hard to find Haley. You'd think that finding a ginger would be easy, but it's not when you have a big crowd and she's nowhere in that crowd. Even Taylor couldn't find her. 

Now, I wait for my turn. I wait to take my final walk through Sherando and say goodbye. I wait to hear my name being called...and probably pronounced wrong. I wait to receive my diploma. I wait to hug my friends and take pictures with them to remember our night. And I wait in anticipation to see what will come next, to see where I will go in life, and to see who I will become. Even after I graduate, I intend to come back to Sherando just to say hello to the teachers who made it worth my while. It's strange that I've made this realization a year earlier. I'm no longer sad or afraid. I owe that to the two wonderful valedictorians of the Class of 2012.

Congratulations Class of 2012. You're all amazing. I'm very fortunate to have known you guys. I know that you all have bright futures ahead of you. I can't wait to see what you accomplish. You will be missed dearly, fellow warriors.

First Blog Post

I've been thinking about graduation for a long time, not so much my own as much as the graduation of my fellow seniors. I never really cared much in my freshman or sophomore year, so why do I care so much now? My own cousin and a few friends graduated last year, but it didn't sink in, it didn't bother me. I was fine with them graduating. 

I guess it bothers me more now because I am a junior. I'm one year closer to graduation myself. I've realized that once the current seniors go, I'll finally be a senior. I don't want to be sad about them leaving, but I can't lie to myself about this, I know I'm sad. I don't want them to leave. While it's true that I don't know all of them, some of them are still very important to me. I'm afraid of losing them, even the ones that I don't know anything about. I hate having that feeling. 

Oh, and people tick me off. I don't understand why we have to find fault in each other. We can't just hug and hold hands and get along, can we?  

On a happier note, I got the chance to talk to someone I've wanted to talk to for a while now. I need to be more social. And tomorrow is bound to be a good day, no matter what.  

...I caved, I created a blog...how long will this last?