Brain Dump

Sometimes, I think I'm the most fortunate person ever. Never mind the celebrities and millionaires, I got dealt a pretty good life. But my feelings about life are flexible, always changing. I can go from feeling very content with life to wishing I never existed in a matter of seconds. Life is a really painful, but beautiful journey.

Recently, I thought about the teachers and professors that have helped me and shaped me along the way. I wrote something off of those thoughts. In each paragraph that I wrote, I gave a brief background of what was happening or had happened in my life. At the end of each paragraph, I wrote how they have helped. Seven completely different individuals and still counting. In fact, I was thinking that I probably unintentionally left out someone who is very near and dear to my heart so let me make that eight instead of seven. Sometimes, it's not my family or my friends that make me feel so alive. As strange as it may sound, I've really enjoyed being around my teachers and professors (Not all of them, of course, just a select few.) I love having conversations with them, because it's different. I can be a different kind of myself with them. The truest version of who I am and who I want to be, I think, gets expressed the best when I'm with my professors.

Like I said earlier though, life isn't all peaches and cream. Even when there are so many people in the world who love you, sometimes you just don't want to exist. Sometimes you think that you're a mistake and/or that you're not worth it. Sometimes you want to run away and/or throw away your current life. Sometimes you want to escape and/or start over. And I think it's okay to feel all of those things. I've been there and back through all of them. When I was younger, I always wanted to run away, but I can't really remember why. Now that I'm older though, I think escape is more accurate. I've always wanted to get away, but it's so hard to tear out your own roots because life gets in the way sometimes. I never wanted to go to SU because I wanted to leave Winchester and Stephens City behind. I love my city and town, but I'm afraid that I might never leave. I love it here, I do, but I need the chance to breathe. Here, in Winchester, in Stephens City, this is where most of my hurts take root, this is where they live and thrive. There are too many memories here and it's overwhelming because I remember bits and pieces of the past wherever I go. It's happening at SU too. I love SU and the people who go there and work there. But after I graduate, I'd like to go somewhere else. I'd like to be in another state, a completely different place where I have to learn on my own.

"These are the scars deep in your heart
This is the place you were born
This is the hole where most of your soul comes ripping out
From the places you've been torn" 
-"Always" by Switchfoot

Brain Dump

I have a lot on my mind at the moment. I don't know if it is normal for me or not. I've been overly emotional for the past few days. I'd like to blame that on my medication, but I can't blame my emotions on my medication forever, especially when I'm not even on steroids anymore. No, whatever I'm feeling is a result of my mind wandering and searching. Why is my mind wandering and what am I searching so desperately for? I still don't know yet. This entire post is going to be a jumbled mess of thoughts, more so than usual so I apologize in advance. 

I was thinking about my DCM friend, Carol, today. I've been thinking of her every now and then. She hasn't emailed me lately. I've been meaning to email her, but I don't want to keep giving her my life story. It's not fair to her. I wonder how she and her family are doing, especially her grandson. She tells me about his life when it relates to what I say to her. I should email her soon and make sure everything is okay. 

There's something important that I still haven't done. I need to send a letter to my donor family. It's absolutely necessary that I write to them this summer. I want them to know how grateful I am for the decision they made. I don't mean to open up their wounds, but I need to reach out to them. I need to know about the girl whose death gave me my life back. I need to know about her.

I was thinking about sleeping early tonight. Early meaning before 2 in the AM. I'm still awake though. Like I mentioned already, I've been overly emotional. I don't know why. Maybe it's just who I am. If that's the case, then I hate that about myself. Anyway, I wanted to sleep early because I was starting to feel depressed. Then, I noticed that Casey had texted me. Her text prompted me to stay awake and blog instead. 

I've been feeling a mixture of sadness and jealousy for a while. I feel unwanted by certain people. It's almost as though I'm not good enough to be friends with them. I'm jealous because I'm not needed in their lives. I could run away and those people wouldn't care one bit. They wouldn't wonder where I've gone or if I'm even safe. I've realized that we cross paths with many people in life and walk with them for some time on the same path. The sad truth is that we often go our own way without ever walking down another path together again. And then we wonder if our loyalty meant anything at all. 

Casey and I talked about dreams via text messaging. Her dreams are strange, but they seem to be in the norm, whatever that may be. I'm glad I can remember dreams after I wake up, but the details, the most important ones at that, often become fuzzy for me. I'd like to believe that I write down my dreams correctly according to what happens in them, but I can never be entirely sure.

I like dreaming. Lately, I've wanted to stay in my dream world instead of living in the real world, where I've been riding a coaster of silly emotions. Dreams are lovely and sometimes much better than reality. In dreams, anything and everything is possible. Of course, that should hold true for reality as well, but I don't think it does since we are limited by ourselves and those around us. Dreams are special for many reasons, but I'll just give a few. Unlike real life, you can see anyone in dreams, including those who are no longer of the real world, here on Earth. Another wondrous thing about dreams is that they can take place in any setting and even in any colour; I have yet to dream in black and white or anything else besides full colour. I think I hear sounds within my dreams because I sometimes remember things that seem to have been said. Maybe dreams are like movies with the sound turned off and the captions turned on. I've always thought that dreams were interesting, kind of like a second life. Truthfully, I sometimes enjoy my second life better than this one.

I feel better now, much cleaner. I'm sure there's plenty of junk left in my brain that I forgot to sweep out. When it comes to be too much, I'll clean up again. Right now, I'm ready to sleep and see if I can dream. Even if I don't dream tonight, it'll be okay since Alley and Taylor will be coming over. I can't wait to see them.