Regret

This morning, I started reading a manga called Orange. There's only four chapters so far and I only managed to read two of them. I'll explain why after I give a short summary of what the manga is about. Basically, this girl receives a letter from herself in the future; her future self is ten years older than she is at the present time of the story. The purpose of the letter is for her to change things, to not make the same mistakes. The girl's future self doesn't want her to carry regret for the rest of her life. In the letter, it says that one of her friends is no longer there, because he dies. So I guess, the real purpose of the letter is to save her friend from an accident that could have been prevented. "Saving Kakeru is our penance."

I couldn't read chapter three. I will eventually, but not today. It hurt too much to go further. I realized that I don't want to have regrets that will pain me for the rest of my life. I have at least a couple of regrets and I don't want to live with them forever. I don't want my future self to have too many regrets. I hope she doesn't...

Happier Days

Take me back to May, when there were happier days...

June flew by in overall satisfaction.

Then there came July, when illness struck and fatigue stayed by my side. 

As mid-August approaches, a lingering sadness surfaces and takes up residence. 

Take me back to May, when the sadness rarely had a chance to invade...

A Moment of Mixed Emotions

There are some moments that cannot be described in words. I am about to try to describe such a moment, but I know I will fail. I will fail because the feelings expressed in the moment won't translate to you. It doesn't hurt to try though. 

Picture this: A group of friends sitting together, talking and laughing about the happenings of the evening and making fun of each other. This moment is broken by very special news. One of the friends announces that she is pregnant. Her husband is sitting on the arm of the long couch right next to her. Her friends ask her questions and make comments. She answers the questions and talks about the way she feels and such. And as this all occurs, her husband is playing with locks of her hair. It's a heartwarming scene. 

In all of the excitement, there is a lingering sadness. One friend is not present at this announcement. It's not because she doesn't want to be there, but because she's been gone for close to 2 years now. She would have been so happy to hear the news. She would have cried tears of joy for her dear friend, making her friend cry as well. Shazia would have been so happy last night, because last night was the engagement party of a close friend and another friend close to her heart made a special announcement.

In every big moment, you can find two different emotions. You just need to know how to feel for both of them. True happiness and true sadness are always easy to find, because they stem from the heart...always. 


Side Note: This post was more for me so that I don't forget the moment. 

Brain Dump

I have a lot on my mind at the moment. I don't know if it is normal for me or not. I've been overly emotional for the past few days. I'd like to blame that on my medication, but I can't blame my emotions on my medication forever, especially when I'm not even on steroids anymore. No, whatever I'm feeling is a result of my mind wandering and searching. Why is my mind wandering and what am I searching so desperately for? I still don't know yet. This entire post is going to be a jumbled mess of thoughts, more so than usual so I apologize in advance. 

I was thinking about my DCM friend, Carol, today. I've been thinking of her every now and then. She hasn't emailed me lately. I've been meaning to email her, but I don't want to keep giving her my life story. It's not fair to her. I wonder how she and her family are doing, especially her grandson. She tells me about his life when it relates to what I say to her. I should email her soon and make sure everything is okay. 

There's something important that I still haven't done. I need to send a letter to my donor family. It's absolutely necessary that I write to them this summer. I want them to know how grateful I am for the decision they made. I don't mean to open up their wounds, but I need to reach out to them. I need to know about the girl whose death gave me my life back. I need to know about her.

I was thinking about sleeping early tonight. Early meaning before 2 in the AM. I'm still awake though. Like I mentioned already, I've been overly emotional. I don't know why. Maybe it's just who I am. If that's the case, then I hate that about myself. Anyway, I wanted to sleep early because I was starting to feel depressed. Then, I noticed that Casey had texted me. Her text prompted me to stay awake and blog instead. 

I've been feeling a mixture of sadness and jealousy for a while. I feel unwanted by certain people. It's almost as though I'm not good enough to be friends with them. I'm jealous because I'm not needed in their lives. I could run away and those people wouldn't care one bit. They wouldn't wonder where I've gone or if I'm even safe. I've realized that we cross paths with many people in life and walk with them for some time on the same path. The sad truth is that we often go our own way without ever walking down another path together again. And then we wonder if our loyalty meant anything at all. 

Casey and I talked about dreams via text messaging. Her dreams are strange, but they seem to be in the norm, whatever that may be. I'm glad I can remember dreams after I wake up, but the details, the most important ones at that, often become fuzzy for me. I'd like to believe that I write down my dreams correctly according to what happens in them, but I can never be entirely sure.

I like dreaming. Lately, I've wanted to stay in my dream world instead of living in the real world, where I've been riding a coaster of silly emotions. Dreams are lovely and sometimes much better than reality. In dreams, anything and everything is possible. Of course, that should hold true for reality as well, but I don't think it does since we are limited by ourselves and those around us. Dreams are special for many reasons, but I'll just give a few. Unlike real life, you can see anyone in dreams, including those who are no longer of the real world, here on Earth. Another wondrous thing about dreams is that they can take place in any setting and even in any colour; I have yet to dream in black and white or anything else besides full colour. I think I hear sounds within my dreams because I sometimes remember things that seem to have been said. Maybe dreams are like movies with the sound turned off and the captions turned on. I've always thought that dreams were interesting, kind of like a second life. Truthfully, I sometimes enjoy my second life better than this one.

I feel better now, much cleaner. I'm sure there's plenty of junk left in my brain that I forgot to sweep out. When it comes to be too much, I'll clean up again. Right now, I'm ready to sleep and see if I can dream. Even if I don't dream tonight, it'll be okay since Alley and Taylor will be coming over. I can't wait to see them.