2/8

My community pharmacy IPPE rotation has come to an end. It's hard to believe that four weeks have passed. When my rotation first started, the end felt so far away. Now that it's over, I feel very sad about it. I'm a very sentimental person and I form attachments quickly and easily, but I never really expected to feel this way about my rotation. Somewhere in my mind, I've told myself that if I don't cross off Friday, May 25th, from my whiteboard calendar that's on the fridge then my rotation won't really be over. It is over though and although my heart still feels heavy I'm working on getting over it. I'm fortunate to have had such a wonderful preceptor, rotation site, and experience. I have a lot of improving to do, but I know what I should focus on as well as what I'd personally like to focus on. 

I somehow, by the grace of God, survived the second semester of my P1 year. I got one more A than I expected and I passed PK. I spent a lot of time worrying about passing PK so it felt really good to know that I had passed. Passing PK means that I can hold my position in SNPhA as Mental Health Awareness Chair and rush for PDC in the fall when school starts. I'm looking forward to beginning therapy modules this upcoming semester. I know that they will be difficult, but I'm ready to give it my all. After a year of pharmacy school, I sort of know where I stand and where I need to improve academically. Ready to take on the world/get an A- I'm looking at you, cardiology module. 

Pharmacy school has been really good for me so far. I don't know that I've necessarily grown a lot as a person, but I think I'm a little more outgoing than I used to be. I do try to put myself into situations where I have to be more social and interactive. I make more efforts to volunteer for things than I ever did in the past because I told myself that I would be better in pharmacy school. The things that I do may not necessarily have a lot of impact in the grander scheme of things, but my willingness hopefully says a lot about me. I have been and am very loved by the people around me in pharmacy school. Sometimes I wonder if my friends really understand the depth of my gratitude towards them and how genuine my love is for all of them. I love my friends and my fellow pharmacists to be very much. On the whole, I still feel that everyone is supportive of each other and always willing to lend a helping hand, and I'm truly grateful for that. I've experienced a lot of firsts and I'm happy to have experienced them with wonderful people. And I can't wait to keep experiencing more firsts with them. 

P1 is done, P2 here we come! 

If you missed it, here is my reflection post about the first semester of pharmacy school: 1/8

Procrastination, Contemplation

I should be studying right now, but I am continuing my procrastination for just a little bit longer to reflect on the semester a little bit. I plan on hopefully getting a decent bit of studying done tonight even though all I want to do is sleep.

I really don't know where to begin so I'll start with today. We had our last PK lecture of P1 year today and got cookies at the end as a treat. I was pretty cranky during class because I was worried about my exam grade. I needed to do so well on this past exam because I really put myself in a bad situation earlier on in the semester with PK. At the very least, I can be proud of myself for improving in PK- each exam grade has been higher than the last. Maybe I can continue the trend for the final exam if I'm lucky enough. The ability to do well and understand is somewhere inside of me. PK was my Achilles heel this semester, but it really didn't have to be if only I had given myself the time. I have one more chance to prove myself this semester. And I never go down without a fight.

I went to see 'A Quiet Place' this afternoon with Amanda, Christian, Sandrine, Jasmine, Cloud, and Dan. It was an okay movie with some more than okay people. I was only a little bit disappointed by the ending. It seemed like a lot of trouble for the way it ended. Still, I appreciated the suspense/thrill of it all.

The more time that passes of pharmacy school, the happier and sadder I become. It's like when I was back at SU and couldn't imagine myself anywhere else but there. Well, it happened again. And it keeps happening in more than just my education, it happens at work too. Change has always been what I'm most afraid. With summer approaching, I'm worried that things will change, that I will lose everyone. It's a constant and irrational worry, but maybe it's time for me to leave it up to them. I'll still be here as I have been with outstretched hands waiting to be held and to hold.

I wonder when we all started falling into place. I appreciate that we mingle with each other. Everyone has their own usual crew, but our bonds with each other on the whole are pretty strong. There's always a kind word to be said, a laugh to be shared, love to be given and reciprocated. The support was there from the beginning and it continues to grow. It's a lot easier to believe in yourself, to love yourself, when other people do too.

Thank you for being there to lift me up when I put myself down.

1/8

I meant to write about this past semester a lot sooner, but I've pushed it off because I am a procrastinator. I was sick during the two most important weeks of the semester, pre-finals week and finals week. Oddly enough, it didn't take long for me to get better as soon as I got home. Maybe I'm allergic to Richmond or maybe I am subconsciously a lot more stressed out than I think I am. Whatever the case is, I just have to tough it out for the next few years like everyone else.

This first semester of pharmacy school has been quite a rollercoaster ride if I'm being honest. In the beginning, I had no idea what I was doing or what was happening. The same is still true, but I'm not entirely alone in my cluelessness. I find that beginnings are almost always lonely and endings are almost always sad. I've always had a hard time with change and being surrounded by new faces at a new school in a new city was terrifying. I wondered if I would ever fit in with the people around me, if I would ever feel comfortable in this unknown place. It's funny how you can't pinpoint the exact moment you become friends with someone or the moment when you realize that you're comfortable enough to be yourself, but it always happens sooner or later in a new environment. It's only a matter of time before you see the new people around you as something precious, something worth holding onto, something worth loving. I never expect that to happen to me, but it always does. It's nice to be in a place where people on the whole genuinely care.

Emotions aside, I really let the ball drop academically this first semester. Despite some disappointments grade-wise, I'm still rather grateful that my GPA didn't sink below a certain point so I'm not completely down in the game, but I'm almost certain that I'll be out of the running for Rho Chi when the time comes. Let's just say that I learned my lesson and hopefully learned it well enough to not repeat the same mistakes next semester. I'm ready to be a better student. I owe that to myself and my classmates.

to be deleted some day

To my first love,

I’m glad that I loved you so strongly once upon a time, but even more grateful that we are still friends. I still love you, but time and distance have made the intensity of the love I felt for you back then less intense. I wanted to tell you about my feelings back then, but I didn’t want to destroy our friendship. I fear that a confession would most assuredly have had dire consequences and I was unwilling to lose you as a dear friend. But I’m pretty sure you knew how I felt from the hugs and how much I wanted to hold your hand and be close to you.

Your way of thinking and existing was fresh and new to me. I had never met anyone with a mind like yours. I learned so much from you. Knowing you made me a more informed person. Loving you made me softer and happier at heart. I still wonder from time to time whether or not you cared as much about me as I did you. I’ve always known that the answer was and still is no. I wanted to impact you as much as you impacted me, but I failed miserably. I’m sorry that I was never able to return the favor.

Please know that I’m not ashamed to have loved you back then, only worried that you wouldn’t want to be friends anymore, which is why I never said anything. I couldn’t have had a better first love. If by some chance you happen upon this note on my blog, promise me that you will place these words into the appropriate context—that is to say that these words, these feelings belong to a time in which I will not go back to out of respect for myself and for you.

Thank you for letting me love you back then and now.

Dragonfly Retreat #3

This past weekend, I attended Dragonfly's third teen retreat. Let me just say that it gets more amazing each year. I'm still surprised at how easy it is to reconnect with everyone. We spend so much time away from each other, but we fit together so effortlessly like puzzle pieces. We've also gotten really good at welcoming new people into the family.

We did so many different things this year. On Friday night, Derek, LeeAnn, and baby Emma kicked off our night with an introduction and silly (but fun) icebreaker. Most of our activities take place on Saturday. There was a scavenger hunt, which was absolutely crazy, but still a lot of fun. Come rain, sleet, hail, or snow, we always manage to get time to be outside. I went on the big swing (or the "Swing of Death" as it has been nicknamed) at least three times, if not more. The first time I rode with Becca^2. The second time I rode with Zoofy and Michelle. And the third time I rode with Kelly and Chelsea. And I chopped the rope each time. It was so much fun. I hope to increase my record next year. A group of us ventured off to the high ropes course, which I wholeheartedly passed on. I could barely get through it in dry conditions last year so I wasn't all that eager to try it in the rain. I also passed on the zipline because I didn't really feel like staying out and getting soaked for much longer. We all went to the guest house and had smoothies and kale chips. While we were there, we played a really fun game called "What's Yours Like?" At some point on Saturday, we went to art therapy and decorated pillows and drew in/on our own healing journals. We played the transplant edition of Jeopardy, and that got a little competitive. Earlier on in the day (on Saturday), Tanner, Sarang, and I led the "Risky Behaviors" session. If I'm being completely honest though, Sarang and Tanner did most of the work. Hunzallah was our prime example of what not to do. It was more conversational and casual, which was something that I think we all enjoyed. We also collectively discussed improvements that we can make for Dragonfly as a family and a team. (And if I'm being truly honest, it is going to take a lot of doing, but less so if we're all working together and helping each other out.) This morning, we played the transplant edition of the Game of Life, which was all thanks to Millie. (It was actually supposed to be my responsibility, but she picked my slack, which I'm both thankful and sorry for.) After that, we dispersed to either play in the gym or in the game room. I was going to play in the gym, but instead involved myself in conversation with Valerie, Tanner, and Becca, and later on Millie as well.

I keep thinking of what Becca said on Saturday night. She said that she knows when something isn't quite right with her because she's lost her spark. (I think it applies for her in a figurative and literal sense.) And if I'm being honest, I think I lost mine over this past semester of college, figuratively not literally. But it has returned and it'll stay for a while. I think I'm going to try a little bit harder to stay in touch with everyone, maybe even set up a video chat with a few people if we can.

I have a couple of regrets. My main regret is that I didn't take any pictures and refused to be in a lot of pictures, hahaha. That's relatively easy to remedy and I'll definitely be bugging everyone to take pictures with me next year. My second regret is that it's impossible to record and/or write down every funny thing that someone among us says or does. We had some pretty hilarious moments though, including "It must be something in the name" to the ranch dressing incident at dinner on Saturday night to Derek being hit on the head with a ping pong ball during Charlotte and Sarang's fierce ping pong game to the somewhat offbeat drum line this morning. There are so many moments that we share together and I wish I could capture all of them. I wish I could bottle them all up and let them free on my bad days.

Dragonfly means so much to me, so much that I don't know what I would have done with myself without it. I knew that there were other heart transplant recipients out there in the world, but I never knew that there were so many who were as young as I am. Before Dragonfly, I never knew about pulmonary hypertension. I'm glad that I'm more aware today than I was three years ago. It's a really nice change of pace to be with my Dragonfly family. I needed to get away from home and college and the retreat is always the perfect opportunity for that. I know that I can count on my Dragonfly family. Wherever I go, I know they're with me. And wherever they go, I'm with them. Nothing will ever change that. I love you all.

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A few little things to add: 

-To Justine: We love and miss you so much. You are in our thoughts, prayers, and hearts. Your Dragonfly family will always be there for you. 

-To Bre, Darby, Missy, Rachel, and all those who have previously attended the teen retreat, but were unable to make it this year: We missed you so much and hope to see you next year.

-Also this weekend, we had the pleasure of celebrating for two people very near and dear to me. On Friday night, we wished Millie a very happy birthday. And last night, Saturday night, we congratulated Tanner on his fourth heartiversary. Much love to you both. Here's to many more years to come. 

-If you have the time, please visit the Dragonfly Heart Camp website (http://www.dragonflyheartcamp.org) and like the Facebook page (Dragonfly Heart Camp Inc.) If you'd like to make a donation to Dragonfly Heart Camp, you can do so through the website. Thank you for your support. 

Dragonfly Summer Camp

I've been away from home for days at a time before, but this time was a little bit different...

I went to Dragonfly's summer camp at Camp Fairlee. I technically went as a counselor in training, but I really ended up as just a camper. And to be honest, I still don't really know what I was supposed to have been doing anyway. But I had a wonderful time, one that I won't soon forget, one that I will cherish and hold onto forever.

Sunday was the first day of camp. It was a bit depressing to me. I felt so alone and awkward, even with my friends around me. I couldn't shake the feeling away. I wanted to leave and never come back, and I even considered telling Rhonda or Kathi that, but I didn't. I'm the kind of person that can give you my life story easily, but at the same time I'm also the kind of person that needs time to settle and become comfortable. That was the hardest part for me. When I'm around new people, I need time to show people who I am. It's like Maria said, I did become more confident by the end of camp. I wish I was that way from the beginning, but opening up to new people has never been easy for me.

Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday were all so fun. We did so many things: climbing a rock wall to go ziplining, sailing, going on nature walks, singing and talking at the campfires at night, water games, swimming, arts and crafts, chatting at mealtimes, staying up late talking, having a talent show, dancing, singing camp songs at odd intervals, and a lot more. I didn't get to learn how to sail, but I did ride on a big boat. The late night walk that a select few of us went on was a beautiful night. The stars were shining so bright and brilliantly and each of us were at peace. The campfires were so much fun. I have to admit that the camp songs were really silly, but they grew on me. I never want to forget them now. I didn't go swimming, but I put my feet in pool. I love how so many people got into bracelet making, it made me happy. I only participated in the water fight against the Pocomoke boys. The water obstacle course with the slide seemed like it was fun, but I was sick of water and wanted to stay dry. We shared our stories with each other and learned about our counselors, we teased playfully and laughed wholeheartedly at each other's silliness. I never thought that I'd miss all of the things that we did, but I do.

Thursday morning was a mixed bag of feelings. I've always been the kind of person who changes their mind. I was so sure that I'd be miserable at camp, but I wasn't. I endured through a rough first day and found myself glad to be there. I was standing with Manesh, Kathi, and Nathan, just listening and talking when an opportunity arose or when a question was directed towards me. Manesh asked me if I had enjoyed camp and I said yes. I couldn't meet his eyes or anyone else's so I looked at the ground with a big smile stuck to my face. I asked Manesh and Nathan what they got out of Dragonfly. Manesh talked about how special each of us are and Nathan talked about our bravery. I told them and Kathi that bravery was never a choice for us. We had to be brave. I said that it was because it was all we knew being in the situations that we found ourselves in. When I said that, I didn't really mean myself as much as I did everyone else. I look at Gwen, our Harvard graduate with a PhD and honors, and think of how mature and brilliant she is. I look at Darby and I see how strong her will to live life and enjoy every bit of it is, how determined she is. I look at Coralys, one of Dragonfly's younglings, and I just want to scoop her up in my arms and hug her because she's been through so much for being so young and it doesn't slow her down at all. I look at all of the Dragonfly campers that attended camp this year and I feel warm and fuzzy on the inside. I'm so amazed by how wonderful each of them are and I'm proud of them for everything that they've endured. And I guess I'm also amazed that I'm one of them too.

My heart aches for camp, for my Dragonfly family and friends. I never expected to think so fondly of my experience. I miss it so much. I miss my friends and the fun that we had together. I miss the counselors and their accents. They have some of the most beautiful voices that I've ever heard. It was so entertaining to hear them using different words to describe things (paper towels are kitchen rolls, flashlights are torches, fanny packs are bum bags, pants are underwear, sneakers are trainers, sweaters are jumpers, etc.). I admire all of the counselors so much. They work so incredibly hard and cater to the needs of the campers so well. On Tuesday, when we had our last campfire, I remember saying that I don't think I'll ever be like them. And I'm not sure who it was, my memory fails me, but someone said that I will be able to do the things that they do. At this point in time, I don't know if I'm capable. There is one important thing to be said: the counselors are now a permanent part of Dragonfly's growing family and they always will be, even if we never meet again. I know that everyone else changed the lives of the counselors (I don't include myself because I don't have an impact on people), but the counselors changed our lives too. Everything about them makes me want to be a better person, a stronger person than I am. I hope I can be like them someday.

I liked being away from home and being with people who know what it's like to be me. Most of us take the same medication and have had similar experiences. Even though Gwen (she's a multivisceral organ transplant) and Darby (she's got pulmonary hypertension) are going through different things than the rest of us, I know that they understand what it's like and I hope and would like to say that I understand what it's like for them too. At the end of the day, it doesn't matter if you've had a transplant or if you've got pulmonary hypertension (or if you're the family member or friend of someone who's had a transplant or has pulmonary hypertension), Dragonfly is a family. And I'm glad to be a part of it.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"I'm the mermaid of dirt." - Bradley

"...flop around like a dead fish." - Bradley

"Fawzia, your butt's wet!" - Bre
"Shut up, Bre!" - Me
(Later on, Bre tells me that she just wanted everyone to look at my butt. My DHC friends, gotta love 'em.)

"Everywhere we go
people want to know
who we are and where we come from
so we tell them
we're from Dragonfly
mighty mighty Dragonfly
and if they can't hear us, we sing a little louder"
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If you'd like to make a donation of any amount (even the littlest bit counts) to Dragonfly Heart Camp, please follow this link:http://www.dragonflyheartcamp.org/index.html. The donate button is on the right side of the page if you scroll down just a little bit. Thank you for reading and thinking of us.

Loved

I've been going through a really rough patch lately. It's been more of an emotional roller coaster ride. These days, I mainly feel one of two emotions: happiness or sadness. I keep switching back and forth within hours without meaning to. I don't hate college or the people I've come to befriend, but it's been hard. It's difficult being a commuter. I have days when I feel like I really belong and days when I feel so left out. And no one has bridged the gap.

Yesterday, I saw Lauren and Claire. We went to IHOP. And it felt so good to see them again. Normalcy was temporarily reestablished in those few hours. I was myself, my real self. And today, I spent some much needed time with Lauren, Megan, and Kasey. We mostly just snuggled and cuddled and just talked. We laughed like we used to. I missed the familiarity, the weirdness, and the way I could just be myself. I was happy. Content. At peace. I think it's true when they say that distance makes the heart grow fonder.

My college friends, I like them very much. But I feel so left out, kind of empty inside, when I'm with some of them. I don't know why I feel like I'm unimportant. I don't know what to do in order to feel like I'm complete. Half of the time when I'm with them, I'm ready to fall apart because I don't feel loved. So, if we're friends and you've been curious about how I've been feeling, this is it. This is what's been eating at me.

I'm glad that I'll be able to see all of my friends properly in a few weeks if I don't see them now. Being able to see them at intervals makes college and our separation bearable. And so, at this point in time, I'm content. I'm content because I've been reunited with some of my favorite people in the whole world. It feels good to be loved by friends and know that it's true.

Dragonfly Retreat #2

This past weekend I spent some time with a group of people that I regard as a second family, my Dragonfly family. It felt so nice to be back around people who understand what I've been through, what I go through, and what I will go through someday. It's actually really funny to me how well things worked out this year. At the end of the retreat last year, I honestly don't ever remember being extremely close to anyone. I mean, I really liked everyone, but I was still new and adjusting. I think it's true when they say that distance makes the heart grow fonder. As soon I met back up with my old friends from last year, we all just clicked right away. I definitely enjoyed my second year as a camper more than I did my first year just because familiarity was already established.

We did a lot of really amazing activities this year. I liked the activities better this year. We did yoga (which by the way has made me sore...I definitely don't use all of those muscles on a daily basis!), which was new this year. We also went ziplining and went on the giant swing. I went ziplining at the same time as Dr. Scheel. I went on the giant swing twice. The first time was with Bre and Tanner. The second time was with Dr. Scheel and Kelly. On the second time around, I pulled the blue rope to make us drop. I was so excited about doing that. The high ropes was new this year. Let me be the first to say that I'm all about adrenaline rushes, but high ropes are not my cup of tea. Unfortunately, I didn't realize that until after I got through it, but I'm still actually proud that I did it. High ropes aren't for everyone. Funnily enough, Darby loved the high ropes, but refused to go on the swing. To each their own. There was smoothie making and a little bit of winding down time after our adventures. And then we did karaoke of sorts, which was hilarious but it actually turned out being a lot of fun after we loosened up. The songs of the night, in my opinion, were "We Are Family," "Roar," "Blurred Lines," and "Gangnam Style." When "We Are Family" came on, pretty much everyone jumped up and let go. It was a really great Saturday and I hope we keep these activities because it's the activities that start to bring us together. Earlier this morning, we decorated little buckets and put a list of things we want to do in life inside of them. We essentially created bucket lists. (Except I didn't actually get the chance to make my list so I will get to that eventually. I thought it was definitely a cute and creative idea.)

Last year, I remember feeling sad because it seemed like mostly everyone knew each other and they did because they had all been going to camp together for years. I think it just started off with the CHOP kids and now other hospitals are joining in. I am really glad that I got the chance to go again. I got the chance to make new friends and reconnect with my old ones. I tried new things and had all sorts of crazy fun experiences. I really like being away from "normal" people and spending time with my Dragonfly family because they all know the single most important thing about me and they'll never treat me differently.

During the Dragonfly retreat, our souls were set free. They danced and sang and laughed. They hugged and comforted and loved. Most importantly though, they soared high into the sky, spread their wings, and flew.

We are organizers and planners who make the magic happen. We are living with transplants or pulmonary hypertension. We are stubborn fighters and lovers. We are Dragonfly and we are determined to make the best of our lives whether we are "normal" or not.

3 Idiots

3 Idiots. One of the greatest Bollywood movies I have ever seen in my life. And now, it's become my favorite. THANKS AARTI! Before I started watching the movie, I just thought it was going to be one of those silly comedy flicks, but I was wrong. I was so very wrong. It was so much more than that. Not to mention, the music was absolutely gorgeous.

3 Idiots has a lot of different themes and as much as I'd love to focus on just one of the themes, I can't. I'll start with the most obvious one though: friendship/love. I think people sometimes forget that one of the most beautiful forms of love exists in friendship hence why I put a slash between the two. Anyway, the portrayal of friendship and love was so beautiful and moving. Rancho, Raju, and Farhan end up in the same room at the Imperial College of Engineering (ICE) and become fast friends. It is really hard to put all of my feelings into why I love their friendship/bromance. Simply put, they are always there for each other. Even though Rancho is at the top of the class, he doesn't put himself above Raju and Farhan. Raju and Farhan accept Rancho for the eccentric, free spirit that he is. When Raju's father goes into cardiac arrest and an ambulance can't reach there quick enough, it is Rancho who rushes him to the hospital, ultimately saving the life of Raju's father. And when Raju tearfully thanks Rancho, it's just so beautiful. I cried. When Raju is threatened with expulsion if he doesn't pin a drunk (and rather funny) incident on Racho, he refuses and instead goes to an extreme. That extreme measure puts Raju in a coma and in the hospital. Faithfully as ever though, Rancho and Farhan are there. Rancho is even able to finally convince Farhan to go to his parents and tell them that he doesn't want to be an engineer, but a wildlife photographer. The friendship that these three share is overwhelmingly powerful. Understand that Farhan and Raju never would have changed had it not been for Rancho. They needed him as much as he needed them. Real friends, true friends, they love you for who you are, no matter how strange. They inspire you and encourage you. They make you laugh and cry. And they are always there for you. At the core of all everlasting and meaningful friendships is love.

One of the other prominent themes in 3 Idiots is success. Rancho believes that one should follow excellence rather than success. Success will take care of itself. "Follow excellence, success will chase you, pants down." In the same line of success is what we dream of being in the future, what we want as a future career. In both Indian and Pakistani culture, science is highly valued and rightfully so. But even so, becoming an engineer or a doctor isn't all that exists out there. In the movie, Rancho tells Farhan that he will regret not taking the chance to become a wildlife photgrapher while he still has the opportunity to do so. At ICE, the students are made to believe that life is a race. Rancho being who he is doesn't believe that. He makes a point of how the education system at ICE is broken and places too much pressure on students. And quite honestly, that same thought can probably be applied to education systems put in place today, all over the world. We live our lives thinking that we've got to be number one. And all we seem to do is memorize. Rancho knows that isn't right and I do too. Life isn't a race so stop treating it like one. You don't have to be number one to be successful or content as seen with Farhan and Raju. And even if you are number one, be the right kind of number one. Be the person that loves to learn for the sake of increasing your own knowledge. Be the person that wants to learn and apply what you learn when you can. Be the student that earns the astronaut pen of excellence. 

The whole movie is just so inspiring, especially after you discover the truth about Rancho. It really teaches you a lot about life and even about yourself. I will forewarn you and say that it is a movie of feelings. Lots of feelings. It was so moving that I cried and laughed and smiled. I stared at the screen intently, waiting to see what would happen next to the three idiots. I can honestly say that watching 3 Idiots was worth approximately 3 hours. It's a movie that everyone should watch. I'm certain that everyone can take away something from the movie.

I will now leave you with one of the songs from 3 Idiots with a link to the English translation. And if anyone is interested in watching the movie, send a message my way. Enjoy!

http://lyricstranslate.com/en/behti-hawa-sa-tha-woh-be-flowing-wind.html

"I felt the earth beneath my feet, sat by the river and it made me complete"

My heartiversary is coming up, and there is something special I'd like to do. I don't really have any desire to go out to eat or anything like that. I don't particularly want any of that, but I won't say no to any of it.

I want to go to Sherando Park and walk around the lake while holding hands with a loved one, a friend. I want to sit down with that person, watch the water, and talk about the year that has passed. 

There are very few friends of mine who appreciate silence and are willing to listen to me talk about this. I have a few friends in mind, but I doubt I'm going to do this.

Sure, I want to celebrate on my heartiversary, but I also want to reflect as well. I want to spend part of the day looking back on the year that has passed.

Side Note: The title of the blog post is from Somewhere Only We Know by Keane. 

EDIT: I never did end up doing this. 

Comfortable Day

Today was a pretty wonderful day; there's only one and half days of school left. I'm sad that this year is ending, but I'm happy because it happened. Today is one of those days that I'll try to remember for a long time. 

During first block in CIS II, we spent most of our time goofing on and chatting, like we usually always do. And by we, I mean the following people: Casey, Cassy, Marie, Ashley, Loganne, Jordan, and myself. Oh, and Mrs. Bodenschatz of course. Towards the end of class, Loganne decided to present her PowerPoint project and that sparked a chain reaction. Cassy, Casey, and Jordan presented after her. I think I'm going to present on Wednesday because it is something fun and I don't feel shy around these people. I'm free to be who I am around them. 

Second block was amazing. We watched some more of The Great Gatsby and had a good time laughing at Daisy and making fun of all of the kissing between her and Gatsby. That movie is so goofy and Daisy is just stupid. We all can't wait until the new movie comes out. It looks like it'll be a good movie. Needless to say, AP English 11 has been awesome. My class is perfect. 

Sixth period was good too. I talked to Mrs. Strosnider like I usually do and chatted with Libby S. for a bit. Mrs. Strosnider still can't believe how fast the year has gone and I can't either. Junior year has passed by so fast. Anyway, Libby and I were chatting with Mrs. Strosnider about SOLs, GPAs, valedictorians, and the like. It was fun. 

And last but not least, ANATOMY! There were only four of us today, including me. It was me, Casey, Deepak (Tomy), and Mikayla. While Mikayla was making up a test, the three of us blew bubbles for a little bit. Blowing bubbles made me feel like a little kid again. I'm tempted to go look around the house now to see if I can find some bubbles. I spent, or rather wasted, a bunch of time trying to find Billy Andrews. He's really difficult to find, and yet he always appears at the most random times. I got fed up with trying to find him so I just gave up and went back to Mrs. Britton's room. And for part of the class after that, the three of us chatted while Mikayla played Minecraft and Mrs. Britton graded papers and laughed at videos that she was watching. We ended up watching anime together, which was cool. I'm actually glad that it was only the four of us. Of course, it would have been nice if Andy showed up but I know that he's not coming anymore. It'll just be the four of us again on Wednesday. I'm not complaining though, I like it that way. 

The next day and a half will be fun. Then, I have graduation to look forward to. And then, going to the movies with Alexa and some people. After that, I don't really have any plans.  I'm sure I'll make plans though. 

Side Note:

- I never talk about what goes on at lunch. Well, nothing too out of the ordinary happened today except I got rid of all of that junk food. Alley, Taylor, Gee...I love those three.

- I haven't been taking that many pictures. I'll be okay without them though. I'll remember what I can for as long as I can. Whatever I don't remember, I'll trust that my classmates and friends will. I'll remember this year for as long as I can.

"You have stolen my heart"

Today was wonderful. I got to spend today with two of my favorite people, Deepak (Tomy) and Casey. We got the chance to go see an open heart surgery; I am unable to disclose more information other than that due to HIPAA. I have to say that the heart was really beautiful looking though. Very pretty looking.

Anyway, today was a special day for me. As I continue to spend more time with these two, I feel myself wanting to change. For too long, I've felt sad about things that have happened in my life, whether it's to me, my family, or my friends. But as Deepak (Tomy) and Casey would say: "Get over it!"/"Get over yourself!" And that's what I want to do. It's important to feel all emotions, but there's a rightful time and place to mention certain things and feel a certain way. I play the surgery card too much with those two, most of the time jokingly but I realize that I need to stop doing that. It's not that I want to forget those days entirely and make it as though I went through nothing, it's just that it's time for me to move on. I want to move on for myself, for them, and everyone I care about.

It's time for me to look forward. I don't know what's going to happen in the future. I don't know where we will be in the future. I don't know if I'll be friends with these two in a few years. I sincerely hope that the three of us will still be close. Will it hurt if they're not in my life? Yes, I'm sure it will from time to time, but what I've felt with them won't be forgotten. Sometimes, people enter our lives when we need them and then they will leave when they complete their purpose. We might forget what we've said and what happened, but I know that I'll never forget how I feel.

There are special people who enter our lives. They walk through our hearts, leaving their footprints, influence, and love behind. Deepak (Tomy) and Casey have been doing that for me. As Deepak (Tomy) reads this, I bet he'll be thinking "yeah, yeah, yeah" or something along the lines of that, because I always express my affection for the two of them. Even today, when I said "I hate you" to them it was simply code for "I love you."

Oh yeah, I should probably mention what the title is about. "You have stolen my heart" is from a song called Stolen by Dashboard Confessional; it's a song that I really like. And maybe I should mention why today was such a great day, besides seeing the open heart surgery. As expected, too much PDA occurred today between all three of us, haha. But the PDA expressed by the two of them was hilarious, cute, and sweet all at once. They held hands today while walking across the street to the bus, guaranteed it looked more like Casey was being pulled along at one point but it was still an "awww" moment. And I definitely won't forget what Deepak (Tomy) said to Casey: "Honey, come back." Today was definitely one of the best days I've had with those two. If only HIPAA wasn't in place then I could blab about how cool today was...

Side Notes: 

-I know I talk about these two a lot. Part of the reason for that is because I've spent so much time with them lately. The other part is because I'm glad to have them in my life. They tease me, tell me to move on, make me feel more emotions than just happiness, and deep down inside, I know that they care.

-This is more of me rambling about how much I love Deepak (Tomy) and Casey. :D 
-I can't wait until this romance blossoms, haha. So much PDA! :D

Hugs

I kept thinking about hugs today and this past weekend. I've realized why I like to give and receive hugs so much, but more so receive than give. 

Hugs, just like smiles, are a language of their own in my mind. Hugs are just as good as words when expressing an emotion or feeling. When someone who is close to you passes away or when you're talking about something that makes you tear up, hugs are a source of comfort. The other person is letting you know that you are not alone. When you're happy or excited, hugs are a way of voicing that openly without having to speak. 

And now for my favourite, hugs give off a sense of security and protection, and they can convey your love for people (when you're being sincere that is). Whenever I hug my father, my brothers, my uncles, or even my boy cousins, I feel so safe, I feel so protected. Some of my taller friends are kind of awkward when it comes to hugs so I guess you could say that I fear for my life...just kidding! My taller friends that aren't so awkward to hug give me that same feeling, that same sense of security and protection. 

Also, until yesterday, I never realized that when you hug a tall person in the right way, you can hear their heartbeat (which I learned today is actually their valves closing, haha). I have to say that I've never paid attention or even bothered to listen to anyone's heart until yesterday; it felt nice to hear the other person's heart beating. When I heard the other person's heart beating, it made me want to hold on longer just so I could listen more. What can I say? I like hearts and hugs. If you know me then you understand why I like both so much.

This is probably one of the only reasons as to why I don't mind being short. I'm all in it for the hugs, and your heartbeat if you're tall enough...which most people usually are. 

HUG MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! :D

SURPRISEEEEE!

Today started off as a really sucky day. By 5:30 PM, everything was a million times better. My sister and eldest brother had come home. I only saw my brother for about 10 minutes before my sister and I left home to go to Roma's. She had told me ahead of time that we were going there for my birthday. I honestly just thought it was going to be the two of us, but I was suspicious because so many hints were dropped. All those hints went over my head. 

My sister and I sat outside and waited until the first person showed up. I understood exactly what was happening when the first person, Deepak (Tomy), arrived. Until then, I was pretty clueless. I didn't even realize who else would be there. Those other very important and special people being: Casey, Haley, Taylor, Alley, Gee, and Tianhui. I was surprised, so surprised, and very happy. We had to wait a while for the table, I mean there was 9 of us in total so of course it took some time. 

Tonight was special in so many ways. I got to spend time with people who I really admire and care about so much. I haven't had so much fun in a long time. I'm not a very funny person so I'm glad my sister was there to help everything along. So many laughs, so many smiles, so much conversation about so many random things. We took some pictures so that we'd remember this night, or rather so that I would remember tonight. I think that's what made tonight so wonderful. Tonight was like the sweet 16 celebration that I didn't have. I'm glad I had this celebration at 17.

Tonight made me realize that I don't want to worry about the future or where we're going to be in five years. That's not to say that I don't care, but even if I lose touch with these friends, I think I'll be okay. I think the realization has sunk in entirely, at least I hope it has. I don't want to forget tonight or the friends I have. I'm just happy that they're mine. I had a lot of fun tonight. I hope everyone else had fun too. Even if they forget, I promise to remember. I promise to think back to this night and smile. 

A few side notes:
-Amazon is awesome (I finally understand that...thanks Deepak (Tomy))
-I hugged everyone tonight (It would never be complete if I didn't) 
-I like hugging people :)
-Deepak (Tomy) is too tall
-My sister is beyond hilarious
-My friends are amazing and I love them them sooooooo much :)
-I didn't really explain in depth what we did or what happened but that's okay because I'll remember :)