Hiiiii

Hiiiiiii guys! I felt like writing something. I don't write as frequently as I used to. I was full of things to say back in May for some reason, but not so much anymore. I think that's due to the fact that it's summer and I haven't been in school. Well, sort of.

I'm actually in school. As you all should know by now from all of my lovely complaining, I'm in two math classes. I just finished my last test for my online math class. If I'm lucky, my average will be an 85 and I'll be exempt from my final...but it doesn't look like that's happening. I'm pretty sure I just lost my 4.0 GPA. As for my other class, which is not online, I'm behind. I need to do some heavy work for that class tomorrow. I'm getting an incomplete for the class, but hopefully I'll finish it off with an A of some sort. It'll help balance out my devastating grade that I'll probably be receiving in my online half of Pre-Cal. I guess I deserve the upcoming demotion in GPA since I didn't work hard enough in math. Look at me, I'm being so negative. Well, at least I'm myself.

Besides math, I haven't been up to much. I went to Lauren's house today. Megan came over and we basically just sat on the couch. We really didn't do anything, but it was nice to be with them. Unfortunately, I didn't get to see Casey on Thursday. She's definitely coming over one of these days before school starts. Claire and I are planning a picnic or trying to. I haven't seen Sarah and Brittany, but will hopefully catch them again before school starts. Well, I guess it doesn't matter since I'll be seeing them around. You don't get rid of those two that easily, or rather I won't ever be free of those two. I don't want to be free of them. I'm strangely more creative and imaginative around those two than anyone else. Alley and Taylor, I have a good feeling that I'll see them a couple more times this summer. Kasey fell off the planet, like she does every summer, and magically reappeared so I should be seeing her soon. As for Matthew, Elizabeth, and Paul...well, we always say we're going to see each other over the summer and then we only see each other once. I need to start making some plans to see people. That must have been boring for you to read, sorry for that. Well, at least you know that I'll be making plans and trying to stay busy.

Thanks to the Valcyte I've been taking, my CMV copies have decreased. The initial amount of copies made me laugh because there were so many and now there aren't nearly as many. As much as I hate taking medicine, it's always been a small price for me to pay even though it never feels like it. I wasn't meant to be whatever "normal" is in terms of health.

In other news, I'm close to finishing season three of Merlin. I'm being driven crazy by my peers who are looking at colleges and getting accepted to colleges. I know I should be doing the same, but I don't know if I'm ready to do that. I already know where I'm probably headed. I have to do what's convenient for my father and my siblings, at least for now. When I figure out what I really want, I'll be sure to go for it. That old dream of walking through Johns Hopkins as doctor and not a patient is suddenly drifting back to me, but do I want it that badly? I don't know yet.

Still Alive

Well, I guess today has been a good day. I returned to math class at LFCC. I was welcomed back by the guys, who sit behind me and Allie, with remarks of "Fawzie!" and "Shiny!" At my desk was a lovely flower pen that Allie had made for me. She made the flower part, not the pen. It's nice to know that I was missed. I missed those three and this other chick a lot. Class is amusing and bearable because of those four people. 

Enough about class, my dad made lamb chops today! Such good food! I love when my dad makes lamb chops, but it's more fun when my siblings are home to eat with us. We're a family that likes to eat. I remember the last time my dad made lamb chops, my brother was eating some rice along with them. I basically took his bowl and finished it. It's all good though, he found something else to devour. I like eating off of my siblings, because food looks and tastes so much better when it's theirs.

Today, I discovered that my math teacher knows Sarah. It was really unbelievable. I totally wasn't expecting to hear my teacher say that we have a friend in common. The funny part is that we both agreed upon how lively of a person Sarah happens to be. 

I haven't been hanging out with too many people lately. I was with Alley and Taylor on Saturday though, which was really nice. It had been so long since I had seen them. Turns out I wasn't the only one missing them, they were missing me too. I'm hoping to see Casey later in the week. I've been missing her dearly. After this weekend passes, I will be seeing Claire again.

Oh yes, I suppose I should mention that it's Ramadan. I haven't been fasting. I'm not allowed to. I know I was just sick for about two weeks and that I've contracted CMV (cytomeglovirus) but it still feels unfair. My dad thinks it's best if I don't fast. And my cardiologist, she would have it out with me if I even asked her. Like one of my older brothers said to me, she would probably come over and make me eat. It's understandable why I shouldn't be fasting and why I'm not, but it still bothers me. I feel as though I'll never be able to fast again, because I'm a cardiac transplant patient. I know that I need to take care of myself. But sometimes I can't help but wish that I had been normal in terms of my health. It is one of my hopes that people who are healthy realize how fortunate they are. 

I was thinking about how I know people who are absolutely perfect for each other, but they're so darn blind to what their relationship could be if they only gave it a chance. That's always bothered me. There are some people who obviously should be together, but they never see it or they try to deny it. Or they both have feelings for each other and never admit it. Or one of them has feelings for the other and the other is an idiot who doesn't understand their own emotions, therefore missing the opportunity. People and relationships...I just don't get it.  

I guess this is all for now. I really don't have anything interesting to say anymore. My life has become dull. I'm waiting for it to pick up again. Until then, this is all you'll get out of me. Yes, I'm well aware that the order of everything I just wrote doesn't make any sense. Like I said, this is all you're getting out of me.

Pointless Update

Well, I figured I should let you all know that I'm still alive. I'm feeling much better actually. I was having fevers on and off for almost two weeks along with some other symptoms and minor problems. I guess my will to fight against infection and disease, although weakened, hasn't left me. 

I've been thinking about all sorts of things. My two math classes have been causing me a good amount of worry. Thoughts of college applications make me uneasy and uncomfortable. I don't like thinking about the future because I find that nothing in life is certain. Regardless of that fact, I am forced to think about it and have some idea of what I'm supposed to want. 

Being sick wipes a person out and makes them a little...I'm not sure which word to use here. Yesterday, at Johns Hopkins, I couldn't help but think that the exit signs were bleeding. Is that weird? 

I had so much more that I wanted to say about how I was feeling, but now it's just not important. I'll talk about Merlin instead. I'm really enjoying the show. I'm close to finishing season 2. I love how it's so different from the Arthurian legend I know of. It's like nothing at all is the same. That's an exaggeration of course, but for the most part it's totally different. The way you meet the characters and the way they're presented is very interesting. I like how you get to see the characters change and grow throughout the show. I've become quite a fangirl of the show and I'm not ashamed one bit. 

And now I'm out of things to say. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go eat my fridge. Later.

Internet's Back!

I finally got Internet access back. Please stay Internet, I need you. I'm so behind in both of my math classes. I'm doing work for my online class right now. Er, well, I guess I'm on break now. I'm still trying to catch up though. I need some kind of motivation. 

Anyway, I have a urinary tract infection. Hurray! Not really. I'm still extremely bitter about having to take one of my medications twice daily as treatment for it. I wouldn't be so bitter about it if the pill was smaller. I'm also sort of going crazy because I become panicky and feel nauseous at the sight or thought of taking my medication. It's nothing new, but it's really pathetic. I'm complaining, I know. I've just been frustrated. I don't like taking more medicine than I have to, which means stuff like Tylenol. I've been having fevers on and off for about a week along with other symptoms that are just as exciting. Again, not really. I really just want to complain, not to any one in particular though. I just want to complain because I'm tired of feeling this way. I'm annoyed at myself for complaining and for being so weak. I'm not making much sense right now, am I? 

On a happier note, I got to hang out with Sarah and Brittany, which honestly was what I needed. Just being around those two puts me at ease...when they're not scheming or being tricksters that is. I hadn't seen either of them since school ended so it was just nice to see them and talk to them. The three of us have a pretty solid friendship, despite not hanging out and talking often. In fact, it's probably one of the strongest friendships I have. Even though we've been separated by time and distance, we're still friends. Although, I do wonder what was going through our minds when we decided that we were all friends...WORLD DOMINATION! That sounds about right. Can you see my craziness now? 

Before I go, I figure I should mention what's up with me and Netflix. I managed to finish Avatar: The Last Airbender. Then I stumbled upon Merlin, a show that Sarah watches and absolutely adores. After watching only two episodes, I've decided that I like it. It's a beautiful show. It's different from the original story, a lot different. That reminds me, I need to read The Once and Future King. (Well, I've read it before, but not all of it. I've read three-fourths of it.) I've been reading 1984 (Nineteen Eighty-four), since I'm supposed. I have to take breaks from it so I can breathe. It's not that I don't like the book, the words just feel suffocating. They don't feel free and soothing like the way I prefer them to be. They don't flow for me. Maybe it's just me. Maybe I'm just weird.

Well, I've taken quite a break, I suppose. Time to get back to working on math. Fun. I just hope I get this done quickly. That will be quite a task since I love procrastinating on anything and everything I possibly can. 

Did you miss me while I was gone? 

This is About Something, Right?

I don't know how I feel right now. Is boredom a feeling too? I'm not really bored though. I don't know what to call this familiar feeling. It's kind of similar to how I feel when I don't care about anything at all, but that's not what this feeling is. I can't describe it for you.

I've been sitting in my basement for hours, only going upstairs once to catch a glimpse of the sunset. I've been doing math or trying to anyway. I'm not in the mood to do math, but I'm still doing it because I have to. I guess I should correct myself and say that I'm never in the mood for math. I hate it. Yes, I said it. I hate math.

I just typed that with no expression of disgust or dislike at all. I'm honestly just sitting here with a blank stare on my face, listening to random songs, while typing this. I'm trying to make up for my earlier post, but I guess this is not much different from the previous one.

I almost made myself sad today while I was listening to music earlier, but I fought the feeling away. I guess I might be forcing myself to be happy for the last few days of school. I know it will turn into real happiness. Then I will purposefully break and compose myself again and wait for my senior year to begin.

I don't feel like my usual self right now. I don't know why I'm like this. I don't know why I can't put a name to this feeling, if it is even a feeling at all. For all I know, it could be a lack of feeling anything. I don't know why I'm so expressionless. I wonder if this is a continuation of how I was earlier in the day. This post feels almost as worthless as the previous one. I think I'll stop now because I'm only spewing out randomness anyway. I could mention the time I spent with Alley and Taylor this afternoon, but it is pointless to speak about it. I don't want to destroy the memory with such lackluster, lifeless words. I'm done for tonight. Time to finish math.

Side Note:

- I was listening to Evanescence while writing this--"Don't try to fix me, I'm not broken"