First Semester Reflection

As of yesterday, my first semester as a college freshman ended. Honestly, it's been so surreal. The past couple of months have been so unreal. I can't believe that I won't be waking up early on Monday for class.

I wish I could go back to August and tell myself that it would all turn out just fine. I vaguely remember how I was in the beginning. I was bitter and lonely. I was awkward too, but that doesn't count since I'm always awkward. I'm sitting here trying to think back that far. Those first couple of weeks...I didn't really have anyone. But then something good happened, my awkward self went to Tracy's house for dinner. My awkward self had an awkward good time. And because of that awkward good time, I met people who I now consider to be friends. That's when I met Silvino, who is not only a friend, but also one of the reasons why I have friends. It's kind of funny actually because Silvino ended up being a catalyst for me. My willingness to open up is something that I partly attribute to him. Things slowly began to unwind after he'd continuously acknowledge me and I felt myself becoming more comfortable with being at SU. And eventually, I started to love SU. And the various people that I interacted with frequently soon became people worth holding onto, friends. I think this goes without saying, but I'm really grateful for the new friends I've made.

I think I'm supposed to probably say something about how classes went, right? In an overall sense, they went well. Some classes were definitely a lot better than others, that's for sure. Sometimes classes seem like they are going to be a lot of fun, but then they turn out to be boring and kind of pointless. That did happen. In the same line of thought, sometimes classes seem like they are going to be super difficult or stressful, but they turn out to be pretty chill. Eh, I guess for the last one I should have said lab, ah whatever. And as always, some professors turn out to be better than others. I'm kind of in love with about half of the science professors at SU. Not even slightly ashamed to admit that, because they're so awesome. At this point in time, I'm anxiously waiting for my grades...and eagerly awaiting the start of the second semester because I need human contact.

At first glance, what appeared to be a cruel twist of fate on that August day blossomed into a beautiful blessing. In short, it's been a bittersweet first semester. There are days that I already miss and wish to relive again, BUT there are so many wonderful days that are yet to come and I'm looking forward to them.

Below is the song I listened to while writing this post. Scottish Gaelic is so pretty. ♥

ISFJ

I have an ISFJ personality type according to an online test based off of the Myers-Briggs test. I, for the most part, agree with everything that is said, assuming that the test and results are accurate.

ISFJs have a lot of feelings. That being said, I am a very emotional creature and I struggle with that all the time. I'm okay at expressing my emotions, I think. I'm not sure if I've gotten better at expressing the way I feel or not. I'm the first to let you know when and if I'm happy, because you will hear me. Sadness and loneliness are feelings that I'm still working on being honest about. I'm not very good at hiding my feelings so I think people generally see right through me as a result. Negativity when allowed to settle in and take root is hard to unlearn. I go through phases of optimism and pessimism, but am generally a pessimistic person by nature which might be considered odd because I'm an idealist and a complete dreamer at heart. I'd like to believe that I look for the best in people, but I don't know if I truly do or not. I'm pretty critical and judgmental towards myself. I know that I'm hard on myself, but I don't know how not to be. Accepting yourself is one of the hardest things a person has to do. Acceptance of yourself, I think, determines your level of confidence.

There are some sources online that describe ISFJs by their "need to be needed." I don't know about other ISFJs, but I find this to be particularly true for myself. I do need to be needed. I require a lot of attention, which might not show very easily, but I think it does. I'm someone who needs constant encouragement and support. For me, constant encouragement and support means smiles, hugs, hands to hold, ears ready to listen, and kind words. I can fall apart very quickly and get lost in a depressed state without positivity from others. And as I'm sure you can probably assume, I don't do well with criticism because I'm overly sensitive about everything.

Apparently, ISFJs learn best through practical applications. Heh, I don't know what to think about that considering that I'm not a fan of practical applications. Or rather, it's not so much that I dislike practical applications, I just like being shown what to do so that I know I'm doing things correctly, which is why labs can be difficult for me. That and I'm a slow worker. I can get something done for you, but I need to be allowed to work at my own pace. I don't like time constraints for that reason. I'm a firm believer that time constraints are not at all indicative of your knowledge or comprehension on a subject and should never be used to determine a person's level of intelligence. Time constraints are inconclusive.

ISFJs are often described as loyal, caring, and deep people. Er, well, I suppose that fits me. Someone once told me that I was/am a deep person. *shrug* I'm actually kind of obnoxious because I like to know about people's lives like who they are and how they feel. I like listening to others and it's kind of the only thing that I can do, and I often regret that I can't be of any help beyond that. I think of myself as someone who falls for people too easily. When I say that, I mean that I care too much and focus in on the parts of people that I like. For example, someone might see a person as being slightly socially awkward, but I'm over here fangirling over how kind said person is. Whoosh. I guess that's an indirect way of saying that I don't readily notice people's faults and imperfections, only their perfections. And yes, that example I just provided is actually (and very sadly) real. I'm attracted to the kindness in people, and have a really bad habit of chasing after it. I believe that kindness is one of the most beautiful qualities a person can have.

Loved

I've been going through a really rough patch lately. It's been more of an emotional roller coaster ride. These days, I mainly feel one of two emotions: happiness or sadness. I keep switching back and forth within hours without meaning to. I don't hate college or the people I've come to befriend, but it's been hard. It's difficult being a commuter. I have days when I feel like I really belong and days when I feel so left out. And no one has bridged the gap.

Yesterday, I saw Lauren and Claire. We went to IHOP. And it felt so good to see them again. Normalcy was temporarily reestablished in those few hours. I was myself, my real self. And today, I spent some much needed time with Lauren, Megan, and Kasey. We mostly just snuggled and cuddled and just talked. We laughed like we used to. I missed the familiarity, the weirdness, and the way I could just be myself. I was happy. Content. At peace. I think it's true when they say that distance makes the heart grow fonder.

My college friends, I like them very much. But I feel so left out, kind of empty inside, when I'm with some of them. I don't know why I feel like I'm unimportant. I don't know what to do in order to feel like I'm complete. Half of the time when I'm with them, I'm ready to fall apart because I don't feel loved. So, if we're friends and you've been curious about how I've been feeling, this is it. This is what's been eating at me.

I'm glad that I'll be able to see all of my friends properly in a few weeks if I don't see them now. Being able to see them at intervals makes college and our separation bearable. And so, at this point in time, I'm content. I'm content because I've been reunited with some of my favorite people in the whole world. It feels good to be loved by friends and know that it's true.

Fragmented Feelings

November 14th, 2013 

There are all sorts of people in the world. There are some who have their whole lives written out in ink. There are others who change their minds once they figure out what they truly want. And then there are people like me who drift along with no clue whatsoever.

I've never understood why people think that I'm going to do great things in life. Sure, I get good grades and I've faced my own fair share of hardship, but that's not at all indicative of who I will be in the future or what I will do someday. What is it that people see in me? I'm not a genius or a whiz kid like other people I know.

I do want to do great things in the future, but I'm a dreamer not a doer. I am words without the actions, spineless. Don't people see that? I don't know how to become a doer. I don't know how to make a difference in people's lives. I lack the courage and confidence that determined people have. I lack the spirit and fire that passionate people have.

I'm afraid of being a disappointment. No one wants to be a disappointment. My professors at SU, I want them to see me succeed, I want them to be proud of me. I don't want to let them down. They've made such a difference in my life. I'm not just a number, a face, or a name to them, I'm a real person with feelings and dreams.


November 17th, 2013

In the past couple of weeks, I've had some really great times. I've been visibly happier, I think. But I've become a lot sadder too and I can't quite understand why. I've become increasingly chattier in the days that have passed, but I haven't quite been able to get past surface conversations. Heart to heart conversations are hard to start. I like heart to heart conversations the best. I like hearing about what people have gone through and the way they feel and why they feel the way that they do. That's not to say that I don't like being silly and goofy, because I enjoy being a clown, but I can't express all of myself through sass and witty remarks.

I'll be honest. I loved high school overall, but I don't really find myself missing it. But lately, there is one thing that I wish for. The ability to talk to my professors. Of course, I didn't just talk to anyone back at Sherando, only very special teachers. When I couldn't talk to my peers or my friends, I would talk to the only people who seemed like they could fathom how I felt: the adults. I mean the science professors at SU are really great (most of them are anyway) and I really do enjoy being around them. Lately, I just really want to talk to them. I want to talk to my professors, not my friends. I don't know why, but I've always kind of been this way ever since seventh grade. I like talking to adults about how I feel, but I've also discovered that talking to them can cause them a lot of grief. I don't want to burden anyone with my feelings. Emotions are such complicated little things. Anyway, it's not that I can't talk to my professors, I know that I can, but I don't want to inconvenience them or put them behind in their work or keep them from assisting someone else who's struggling to learn some material.


November 18th, 2013

I've always wanted to make a difference in people's lives. When I was little, I wanted to be a doctor so that I could help people. I wanted to help save lives because I didn't want people to go through things that I had gone through. Now that I'm older, I've come to realize that it's really difficult to have an impact on people. I don't usually tell people my story, because it doesn't change people's minds and hearts. It's impacted very few people. It's not a story that needs to be told, but I always thought that if I told it then people would understand who I am and why I behave the way I do. If they only knew, then they'd understand why I'm quick to treasure people and hesitant to let them go. It's hard to make a difference. It looks and feels so easy with all of the people around me doing amazing things, but it's not. Transforming words into actions is actually one of the toughest things to do. You have to really want it, and even then it's sometimes not enough. I don't know what I want to do in the future. I don't even know if science is really for me. There's nothing else that I'm even remotely good at. Science is all I have going for me. It's the only thing that I'm interested in. 

Dragonfly Retreat #2

This past weekend I spent some time with a group of people that I regard as a second family, my Dragonfly family. It felt so nice to be back around people who understand what I've been through, what I go through, and what I will go through someday. It's actually really funny to me how well things worked out this year. At the end of the retreat last year, I honestly don't ever remember being extremely close to anyone. I mean, I really liked everyone, but I was still new and adjusting. I think it's true when they say that distance makes the heart grow fonder. As soon I met back up with my old friends from last year, we all just clicked right away. I definitely enjoyed my second year as a camper more than I did my first year just because familiarity was already established.

We did a lot of really amazing activities this year. I liked the activities better this year. We did yoga (which by the way has made me sore...I definitely don't use all of those muscles on a daily basis!), which was new this year. We also went ziplining and went on the giant swing. I went ziplining at the same time as Dr. Scheel. I went on the giant swing twice. The first time was with Bre and Tanner. The second time was with Dr. Scheel and Kelly. On the second time around, I pulled the blue rope to make us drop. I was so excited about doing that. The high ropes was new this year. Let me be the first to say that I'm all about adrenaline rushes, but high ropes are not my cup of tea. Unfortunately, I didn't realize that until after I got through it, but I'm still actually proud that I did it. High ropes aren't for everyone. Funnily enough, Darby loved the high ropes, but refused to go on the swing. To each their own. There was smoothie making and a little bit of winding down time after our adventures. And then we did karaoke of sorts, which was hilarious but it actually turned out being a lot of fun after we loosened up. The songs of the night, in my opinion, were "We Are Family," "Roar," "Blurred Lines," and "Gangnam Style." When "We Are Family" came on, pretty much everyone jumped up and let go. It was a really great Saturday and I hope we keep these activities because it's the activities that start to bring us together. Earlier this morning, we decorated little buckets and put a list of things we want to do in life inside of them. We essentially created bucket lists. (Except I didn't actually get the chance to make my list so I will get to that eventually. I thought it was definitely a cute and creative idea.)

Last year, I remember feeling sad because it seemed like mostly everyone knew each other and they did because they had all been going to camp together for years. I think it just started off with the CHOP kids and now other hospitals are joining in. I am really glad that I got the chance to go again. I got the chance to make new friends and reconnect with my old ones. I tried new things and had all sorts of crazy fun experiences. I really like being away from "normal" people and spending time with my Dragonfly family because they all know the single most important thing about me and they'll never treat me differently.

During the Dragonfly retreat, our souls were set free. They danced and sang and laughed. They hugged and comforted and loved. Most importantly though, they soared high into the sky, spread their wings, and flew.

We are organizers and planners who make the magic happen. We are living with transplants or pulmonary hypertension. We are stubborn fighters and lovers. We are Dragonfly and we are determined to make the best of our lives whether we are "normal" or not.

Forces of Destiny

I can say it now with confidence, with pride. I'm happy here. In August, I was so bitter, so resentful, about staying in the same place, even though it's a place that I'll always love no matter where I go. I didn't think I would ever accept it, but these feelings are real and honest. These feelings are mine to express and cherish. The welcoming aura, the warm feeling of love, that I was so afraid of was and is real. I was afraid that it was all a facade, but it wasn't. I was surprised.

I didn't think I'd adjust so quickly. I didn't think I'd find my niche. I've done a complete 180 since August. I have friends, people who've become so precious to me. I don't have to be afraid of being myself around people. I am free to be me. I am accepted as who I am.

Even the professors have become important people. Professors who care and really want to see us succeed, that's the kind of atmosphere I needed. In a university as small as mine, I'm not just a number or just a face, I have a name. I could never be in a place where the professors don't care to know my name. I could never imagine myself in a place where my university president didn't know my name. 

I don't regret my decision. I'll never regret it. I'm not sad anymore. And I'm not alone.

(The title of this post is the name of the song above. It's a nice song.)

Reflecting on Two Years

Happy two year heartiversary to me. Two years ago, I was given the single most important gift I'll ever receive in my whole entire life: a second chance to live freely and love unconditionally. 

It feels surreal to have made it this far. Two years ago, I would never have imagined that I'd still be here, but I'm glad to be. I feel guilty admitting this, but I don't wake up every morning and think to myself how thankful I am to be here. I know it's wrong, but I never realized how quickly I'd return to having a "normal" life, how quickly I'd become my usual ungrateful self. But I am thankful. I've experienced so much in the past two years. And no matter how unpleasant or painful or stressful some days were, I'm still thankful for them. 

I met people who could fully understand my feelings and what I've been through. I went hiking for the first time. I went to the drive-in theatre. I stayed out late on so many nights with my friends. I graduated from high school. And now I'm a college student. All of those things have happened since my first heartiversary.

I think around this time last year, I was still struggling with acceptance. I'm not anymore. But I haven't gotten closure yet. I have a letter that I still need to write and mail out. I wonder if there's a reason why I've waited so long, I think it's probably due to laziness. At the same time though, I wonder if it's because I'm afraid of my donor family choosing to not respond back. I want to meet them in person someday so I can get to know her. 

I don't tell people my story. I used to wonder why no one ever asked me about why I was gone when I came back to school in junior year. How many of them silently already knew? I wanted people to ask me. I don't hold anything against people for not asking. It's hard to ask about something like this, isn't it? Maybe it was because no one wanted me to feel uncomfortable. Even though I don't tell my story, I don't try to hide it. If someone finds out by reading my blog then so be it. Why should I hide? I'm not ashamed of being a heart transplant recipient and I never will be. Please don't ever feel sorry for me.

I'm not sure how much I remember from two years ago. I remember throwing up and feeling awful. I remember moments from the days I spent in the hospital like when Aisha and I played Sorry with Mike and when Kyle and I would watch Lingo together. And when Leigh, Aisha, Johnny, and I played the card game version of Sorry. Verna's kind personality and Mary Lou's cheerful disposition, I remember that too. I remember holding onto Kyle's hand when I had that dreadful NG tube put in; I hate that thing. I remember putting together a puzzle with Aisha and Nisha on the day I got out, I think it was. I don't remember being taken back to the hospital the next morning, but I do vaguely remember opening up my eyes and acknowledging that I was in the hospital; my blood pressure was insane at that time. I remember Kyle's birthday and how he shared his piece of cake with me and Aisha. I remember Halloween and how my hair was pulled into two pigtails; I still have the two hair ties somewhere. I remember crying on the morning of the procedure. I remember when Casey came to see me and brought jelly beans with her for me. I remember my Eid surprise from Bushra's family.

But my favorite moment from that time period is a sequence of moments. Dr. Scheel and Pat walked into my room one day. I thought to myself sarcastically about how they were going to tell me that they found a heart. And then Dr. Scheel said exactly that and I was so shocked that I couldn't believe her. I can't remember if that was when I started crying or not. I saw Kyle shortly after and he hugged me and said that he was happy for me. I know I was crying then. 

I've come a long way in two years though. I've reached my minimum of three medications at last. I reached it a while back ago actually. Honestly, I don't know how I managed to take so many pills two years ago. I don't know how the me back then endured all of that pain. I see the scars, but I don't remember the pain. That's probably for the better. But I'm not the only who had to overcome a lot. Sometimes I wonder if it was me who went through more hardship back then or if it was my family instead. I know that I still worry them from time to time, but I think they'll always worry no matter what. 

I wonder how much I've changed, if at all. I wonder because of cellular memory. It's just a theory, but I wonder if I've picked up any of her habits or if I like any of the things that she liked. It doesn't seem like I've changed much at all. I know that she was a good person. I know that her family is loving, I know that they are thoughtful and caring people. If they weren't, they never would have made the decision that they did. 
 
My thoughts are really scattered today. Honestly, I don't even know what to write, which is why it seems like I'm rambling. I don't know what to say anymore. I'm just happy to still be here. I'm thankful for each and every day that has passed. I'm thankful to my donor family for their decision. I'm thankful to my family for always loving me and looking after me. I'm thankful to my doctors and nurses and all other medical personnel who took excellent care of me and were so incredibly dedicated. I'm thankful to my DCM family who's always given me kind words of encouragement and support. And last, but not least, I'm thankful to my friends for putting up with me and being by my side no matter how many miles separate us. Thank you to all of you. I love you all. ♥

Most people only have one birthday, but I've been blessed enough to have two. ♥

-------

"Another fall day. An infinite blue sky to look up at, a thousand beautiful trees to enjoy, a hundred blows of the wind to refresh, a second chance and one lovely heart to love it all" - Shradha

"It is infinitely better to transplant a heart than to bury it to be devoured by worms." 
- Christiaan Barnard

Fateful Meetings

Do you believe in fateful meetings? That when you meet someone it's as though you were destined to meet them and cross paths? I don't know if I do. I wonder what it's like to have that kind of feeling though. Is it one of those feelings you have when you first meet someone or does it occur later on? How do you know that it's a fateful meeting? I wonder.

Today, I started watching a Jdrama called Last Friends. I've watched two episodes and if I had to describe it based on what I've watched, I'd describe it as heartbreaking and emotionally painful to watch; I can feeling myself breaking for the characters. The connections that the characters have right now are so tainted with inevitable sadness, heartbreak, and tragedy. I know it's just a Jdrama, but that doesn't make the feelings less real. Somewhere out there in the world, someone is experiencing or has experienced the pain that is present in Last Friends. Sure, the story isn't the same, but some variation of it has to exist. So far, in Last Friends, there have been two fateful meetings...proclaimed in the thoughts of two characters, of course. But as the story progresses, won't it all become a large fateful meeting? A tragic fateful meeting...

I really don't know if I'd describe any of my relationships as fateful meetings. I love the people in my life, but fateful is written nowhere. Is that wrong? I don't think that anyone I know believes that meeting me was fateful. I'd actually be surprised if anyone thought that. If fateful meetings really do exist, then I know that some of my friends have experienced at least one. Fateful meetings seem sad to me, it's as though there is no happy end in sight. That might just be the Jdrama getting to me though.



(Also, I totally have not been looking at the Wikipedia page for Last Friends. Nope, I don't know what happens to the characters in the end.

 ....yeah, I lied. I just read a spoiler. In a way, I guess it doesn't surprise me. At the same time though, even though I've read it, I'm still going to watch the show. I've got to see how this all plays out, I've got to see why these characters do the things that they do.)

Below is the theme song for Last Friends, which I will listen to on repeat until I become sick of it. Prisoner of Love by Utada Hikaru. 

 

Endings

Earlier today (I guess it would be considered to be yesterday, but it's not tomorrow until I go to sleep and wake up), I realized that endings are inevitable. When one chapter closes, another one begins. Of course, I've had this realization before. Back in my junior year, I feared the end of my high school career. I was probably afraid that I'd lose all of my friends, that I'd never see or talk to any of them. When it came time for high school to come to a close, I still felt some sadness because it was ending, but I silently promised myself that I would maintain my friendships. It's been a bit difficult, but I still have my friends. Even though most of us are miles away from each other, we haven't let go of each other. I wonder if we'll get to the point where we will turn away from each other. I know, it's not a happy thought, but won't these friendships I have come to an end? Or am I just being my usual pessimistic self? I can't be the only one who thinks about this kind of stuff...

Anyway, I felt a similar sadness to the one I felt when high school was ending. It's so strange, but I almost want to say that it hurt more. And for me to be able to say that means that I've come a long way since the start of college. A really long way in a short amount of time. There are already people that I don't want to lose, but I'm fearful that I will. I need to give more credit where it's due, I know that. I'm jumping to conclusions too quickly. At the same time though, time isn't indicative of how strong a friendship is though. I've known one of my good friends for around a year and a half or so, and I can't imagine who I'd be today without him. That's how I know that time isn't an indicator.

It's just disappointing to have this realization over and over again. In times like this, forever is a silly concept to me. Sigh. It's too soon to be thinking like this.

Impasse

I suppose this is an impasse of sorts. I don't know where this will go. But I want to apologize if I come across as too demanding. I'm unsure of how you view things because I don't know you well enough to know your frame of mind. Nevertheless, I'm sorry for expecting too much. I just wish you were more of a tangible person. Can you imagine yourself in my shoes?

I did distance myself in a way. I guess you could say that I still sometimes distance myself, but only when I'm not around you. You feel familiar to an extent, but somehow not enough for me to be entirely at ease. But I don't think this will become complete comfort. Too early to tell perhaps, but it seems that way now. There's a slight sadness hidden in the happiness because progression has been slow. That's not the real reason though. Tangibility. Can I reach you? 

"Normal"

When did this become my "normal"? And by this, I'm referring to college. I can't pinpoint the moment when it happened. How did I come to this level of acceptance? 

Once upon a time ago, my "normal" was high school. Those hallways that I once knew so well are being replaced; I'll always know my way around Sherando, but I never thought I'd figure out my way around SU. The people I saw each day or every other day, they're not the same anymore (with the exception of one person). And me, I'm falling into place somehow. SU is becoming my "normal" now.

Suddenly, I've started to look forward to seeing people at SU. I look forward to their kindness, their smiles, their laughter, their voices. I look forward to being around them and spending time with them, even if it's just because we have a class/lab together. I look forward to conversing with them, learning about them. I look forward to someday becoming friends with some of them rather than just being acquaintances or classmates/labmates.

If you can't bring yourself to love the place you are at, bring yourself to love the people and you'll begin to love the place too. I'll be honest. I've started falling for these people who are around me. And as time passes, I hope I can finally get to the point where I can wholeheartedly say that I love SU as well. For now, I'm learning to love it, but I need a little bit more time before I can say it to myself and believe it. And maybe someday I'll love walking to HHH, but probably not.

A Summer Sunset

Today I had the wonderful opportunity to have dinner at Tracy Fitzsimmon's (SU's president) house with other presidential scholars. And, as you can probably assume, I went to her house. Upon arrival, I was really awkward and shy/quiet. Of course, Tracy being who she is, had two returning presidential scholars go on a brief walk with a new presidential scholar. And I actually DID talk to the two returning presidential scholars that I happened to be paired with. With the help of Alex and Dorothy, I think I started to unwind a little bit. 

We all ventured inside of Tracy's house to go and have dinner. Now, she wanted us to NOT sit next to someone we had previously talked to. It was funny because Dorothy, Alex, and I sat at the same table. And I was extremely lucky because Silvino came to sit next to me. He's just someone who makes you smile and laugh for no reason. Chad, who is a biology and chemistry double major, sat on the other side of me. Garrett, who's also a freshman, was at the table with us; I remembered Garrett from the presidential scholar breakfast we had a few months ago. I think my table was the luckiest because we got Tracy. We managed a little bit of small talk. And today was one of the first times that I've been honest about how it feels to be a commuter. It does feel lonely, but maybe it won't always be that way. 

After dinner, we went upstairs to have dessert. Dessert was delicious. Apple pie and whatever the other thing was. So good. During dessert, I was being awkward again. Actually, up until this point, I was still being awkward. Thankfully, I was saved by Zack and Chad. This is when I discovered Chad's double major and also the trip to New York. Zack talked about his experience there when he had gone and it really sounded like such a good time. I mean, I've been to New York before, but I've never been sightseeing before so I'm looking forward to it. 

And the highlight of the night happened after dessert when we all went outside as a group. Some of us decided we wanted to feed the two horses; we fed the horses carrots and apples. It was a new experience and it was exciting. We were all just having a good time with each other. Silvino took a selfie with one of the horses; it was a good time. We all kind of dispersed after feeding the horses. Some people stayed by the fence and continued to talk, others were seen playing soccer, and the rest of us were just talking in small groups. I was in a group with Mirando, Kriti, Sapana and Tracy. It wasn't an extremely long conversation, but we all chimed in. Family, future, our majors, our lives. 

The sun was setting as it neared 8. A summer sunset. A moment of honest happiness. A feeling of hope for the future. A feeling of warmth and togetherness that I hadn't experienced in a group of so many people. And a curious wondering about whether or not these budding friendships will bloom and thrive. I'm still shy, but in this group of my own, I'm willing to try. I think the best part is that I don't have to fake it. It will take time, but next year I'd like to greet everyone with hugs. Just when I was unwinding, I had to leave. I surprised myself tonight. I didn't expect to have already fallen for them. Such different personalities, but all so kind at heart. I'm still iffy, but this is the first step in the right direction for me, I think.

You know those seemingly perfect scenes that sometimes happen in slice of life anime? That's what tonight felt like. The perfect sunset. 

I'm slowly remembering how to smile the way I used to. I'm remembering how to be me.

 

The First Week of College

Well, I've successfully survived my first week of college as a freshman. A freshman commuter student, I should add. And I will be honest, it wasn't half as terrible as I'd expected it to be. In keeping with honesty though, it wasn't particularly full of rainbows and sunshine either. I don't want anyone to think that I'm denouncing my college, because I'm not. College is different for everyone. And I know that I sound really pessimistic (because I kind of am), but there were some good moments that occurred in the week. Now, let's see how much I remember, shall we?

Monday. First day of classes. Four classes. Three of the four classes in a row. First class of the day was/is statistics. The first class wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. My professor is out for the semester so a different professor is teaching the course. He's sarcastic, I like that. He basically spent the whole first class telling us that we have to major in something meaningful, in something that will allow us to be able to get a job after college. My second class was/is biology. I was really surprised when I got to the room because it seemed like all the seats were taken. I located the first open seat I saw and hesitantly went to sit down. I sat next to a guy named Ansel, and across from him sitting in a seat against the wall was a guy named Evan. (I told myself I wasn't going to use names, but I figured it's fine since they'll never read this.) They're both sophomores, and they seem nice. My third class was/is Spanish and I was dreading it. I was really nervous, because it's an intermediate Spanish class. I actually thought I was the only freshman in the class, but I have since then discovered that there is another freshman besides myself and that is a great relief to me. Break in between for lunch. Did we go to the Dining Hall that day, Brittany? I think we did. First year seminar after that. Goofy/awkward introductions, but not bad. And then.....HOME FREE...because I didn't go to work.

That was my Monday. No, I'm not going to talk about the rest of the week in that format so you can relax. On Tuesdays, I only have chemistry. Tuesday was the first day I went to work. It was also the day I met Donna and Sherry. They're a lot of fun to be around and I really like them. I have to watch The Big Bang Theory for them. Wednesday was my worst day. It was rainy and I made the grave mistake of wearing black flats and white socks. My shoes and socks got soaked. I went home to remedy that situation and came back to school only to be stuck there for at least 7 hours straight. On Wednesdays, I have the same classes that I have on Mondays with the addition of chem lab at 7, which really sucks. I went into work on Wednesday a bit later than I should have because I really hit it off with Liz, one of my FYS mentors. And for the first time at SU, it felt like someone understood my perspective and how I felt. On Thursdays, I have chem in the morning and bio lab at 3:30. I feel the opposite of intelligent in bio lab. On the upside, I met another sophomore. Her name is Annie and she's also in my biology class. And my Fridays are just the same as my Mondays. Carolyn showed me the ropes at work on Friday, which was really nice. I saw Allie in her cubicle and it made me happy.

So, how do I feel about my classes/labs after my first week? I feel okay. I'm not as nervous about Spanish anymore. I feel like it's possible to survive the class. I'm still not thrilled about my two labs. Statistics is super boring and I'm amazed that I didn't fall asleep in class on Wednesday or Friday. Biology will be just fine, I'm sure. And chemistry won't be so bad either. I mean, it's really hard to sit there and be annoyed because Dr. Ca just makes you perk up. FYS will probably be fine as well.

How do I feel in general? Still a bit left out and alone. I don't have any new friends, but that's okay. I still have friends, it's just that most of them aren't here with me. I guess I'll make new friends eventually. For now though, I suppose I'm just fine on my own.

It Begins Tomorrow

At long last, it begins tomorrow. What is 'it' you might ask? College. Or more accurately, college classes. Tomorrow is also the start of early waking, which I'm not really looking forward to.

I've had a really hard time dealing with how I feel about college. I've gone back and forth between being really pessimistic and slightly optimistic. Honestly, I'm trying to be indifferent about it. I'm trying to not have expectations, but it hasn't really worked. What can I say? Life as a commuter feels rough. It's going to be different.

My last day of summer is today. I haven't done anything productive. I have so much left to do in order to prepare for tomorrow. I still have to ready my bookbag with my books, binders, paper, pencils, electronics, and so on. I still have to pick out what to wear tomorrow...yes, I am one of those people. I've got laundry to do and two letters to write. 

I wonder if college will change me. I've already felt myself changing ever so slightly. The ability to goof off, be sarcastic and sassy, I'm losing it. Looking back though, it took some time for that kind of me to surface. I'm quieter now than I used to be a few months ago, restless too. Maybe a bit sadder too, but that's my own doing. It reminds me of how I was during my junior year when I returned to school. I guess I'll perk up once I have a set routine.

I just hope I can handle my workload. Stress, I welcome you back into my life once again.

Musings on Blossoming

"And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom."

Can we blossom on command or at a fixed time, can we be forced to do so? I wonder. It hurts one's potential if they are forced, I think. There is a limit when it comes to pushing people. Some people don't see that, and inadvertently tarnish what could have been beautiful.

The difference between those who have blossomed and those who remain tightly in a bud, is it visible to those around us? I guess it depends on the person. You can see it on the outside with certain people. The ones who are still buds, sometimes you can see it in their eyes. Their eyes say, "I'm not ready."

If an opportunity for possibly blossoming arises, should it be taken? The obvious answer is yes. The hesitation shouldn't exist, but it does.

Expectations

Somehow, I feel like I've already talked about expectations on a previous post, but whatever. You get to hear about them again. 

Today, my dad and I went to meet Mr. Wilkins, Jr. I received a scholarship from SU in his father's name. He told me about SU's humble beginnings and his father's hard work to help the university become what it is today. I also found out that Mrs. Cutshaw was the first recipient of the Wilkins scholarship, which was surprising and not surprising at the same time. It surprised me because I honestly didn't expect to hear about her. It didn't surprise me because that's just like her. Kind of a contradiction, I know. 

Anyway, just before we left after meeting him, he basically wished the best for me. I can't really remember much from this morning anymore, but I think he said something about how people who get this scholarship end up doing great things. BAM. Expectation right there. 

I'm not upset at his words or mannerisms or anything, because I'm guilty of having expectations too. Most of us, if not all, are guilty of it. Expectations can put such pressure on people though. It all depends on the person. Some people just brush it off. And others feel burdened by the mere thought of making a mistake. I'm one of the latter. 

When I was younger, I knew what I wanted to be. I knew what I wanted to do. As I've gotten older, I've become unsure. It's silly to want to match up to what people expect of me, I know that. Being the youngest in my family and living in a competitive country as it is doesn't make it any easier though. If anything, it makes it more difficult. I've always felt pressured to do well. I've been trained to believe that I must do well or else. 

If we had no expectations of people, would anything get done at all? Or is that a silly musing? I wonder.

Change

Change is funny, isn't it? It happens so gradually. People you once knew like the back of your hand become strangers. Strangers become familiar. Families are torn from on the inside, but look perfect on the outside. High school ends, college begins. They move away. Enthusiasm fades out. Promises made. Promises broken. How much has changed in the past few months I wonder?

College is starting soon. The first day of class is in 14 days, two weeks away. I'm living at home, which isn't a bad thing. No, it's not a bad thing. I try to remember that silly story my dad told me. I won't go into the details of the story, but the gist of the story is that things happen for a reason, things happen for the better. I'm clingy, but unsure at the same time. High school seemed easier. I don't want to hate college without giving it a chance, but I don't want to decide to like it beforehand like he did. (In a few years, I wonder if I'll remember who 'he' is. Maybe. Maybe not.) It's funny though because I am just the way she said I was. I reach for people, but pull back if the situation starts to look iffy. I did that to someone already, but I don't feel sorry. That person hasn't noticed so I think it's okay. It's unlikely that I'll see them around campus anyway. Is that wrong? Maybe it is, but I really don't feel sorry. No one got hurt.

I'm legally an adult, but I don't feel like one. My cousins, for the most part, are all adults too. When did we grow up? I miss them. I miss the old days. We've all become so different. The ones who live in NY haven't noticed the change amongst themselves, but I've noticed a little bit of it. Most of it is in regards to how I perceive them though. He's a bit quieter than I remember him, no longer someone that I know. She's outspoken, free and honest, flowing like a river. He's an open book, trusting and trustworthy in return, no longer a quiet mystery. Like buds, each and every last one of them has blossomed into a flower. Such different flowers, some with thorns and others with none.


----

Yeah, I'm done for now. Expect something from me again shortly after August 26th. See you then!

California

Well, I got back home from California today. And while it feels nice to be back home in Virginia, I already miss California. For those of you wondering why I was in California, I was there for IFL (Institute for Leaders) and the FBLA NLC (National Leadership Conference). I participated in the Healthcare Administration event, which was just a test. Before I talk about the results and all of the sightseeing and Disney and excitement, I'm going to ramble about IFL. 

Institute for Leaders, or IFL, was a two day seminar (or so it says on the FBLA-PBL website) full of motivational talks and workshops. Honestly, IFL was really awkward. It was only awkward because I'm awkward though. I really don't know how to talk to people. I was really fortunate to become friends with someone though, a girl named Jessica from Colorado. I suppose we're more of acquaintances than friends, but I really do want to continue talking to her. Because of Jessica, I realized something important for future reference. During IFL, we had to get up and move around and obtain contact information from people. All of my conversations never surpassed the introductory stage, except my conversation with Jessica. For every 10-15 people or so that I interact with ever so slightly, there will always be someone who is willing to take a step towards me. In the case of IFL, that person was Jessica. Although I briefly talked to a girl from Tennessee named Michelle and a girl named Wendy from Washington, I don't think either of them really thought me as someone to keep in touch with. We were all just trying to survive IFL after all. We did some fun activities in the workshops and I actually learned a good bit about interviews and the like. And of course, we had speakers. Byron V. Garrett was one of our speakers. I really liked what he talked about. My favorite thing that he said during IFL was this: "You fail in life when you try to be someone else." We had our own version of Shark Tank and we got to meet Jason Lucash, a guy who was a contestant on Shark Tank. Jason has his own business called OrigAudio. I could continue into more detail, but my memory is starting to get fuzzy, plus I want to get to the rest of the festivities. 

The National Leadership Conference, or NLC, began on Thursday night (June 27th). I cannot even express how much I've enjoyed opening sessions of FBLA conferences. They always start with such upbeat music, upbeat enough to make someone start dancing. I think the opening session of NLC was one of my favorite parts because Judson Laipply was the keynote speaker. He was funny and inspirational at the same time. I laughed a lot. Judson actually danced at the opening session and it was awesome. I'm a bit behind on some of the cool stuff on YouTube, but you should totally check out the Evolution of Dance on YouTube! Because of Judson, I have discovered the struggle bus. There were lots of jokes made about that. Sometimes we're riding the struggle bus and sometimes we're chasing it. Anyway, NLC got off to a great start. 

We (Mrs. Woodward, Mrs. Good, Meagan, Kayla, Lauren, Mahek, and Gabby) ventured out to Disneyland on Friday evening after those of us who were competing finished with our events. It was pretty much the five of us (Meagan, Kayla, Lauren, Mahek, and I) the whole time on Friday. We went on a few rides in the main park, but didn't really get to the roller coasters. That was remedied on Saturday. We spent all day at Disneyland Adventure Park on Saturday. Needless to say, my feet hurt. We covered a lot of what we wanted to cover in the park on Saturday. We even got to see the World of Color show that night, which was cool. It was pretty late when we got back. I should add that we walked to and from Disney on Friday AND Saturday. Disney was fun, but draining at the same time. 

Sunday was somewhat boring and depressing. We had our regional voting session on Sunday morning, which took forever and was kind of boring. We went to Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. on Santa Monica Pier. I got to keep my light up plastic glass. We didn't have much to spend there since the drive there took forever. We missed our state photograph, but we were just in time for the awards ceremony/closing session. I was sitting there in anticipation until it came time for my event. I was so anxious about the results. Unfortunately, I didn't place in my event. And I won't lie, I did cry. I was upset that I didn't place. I still am a little upset. At the same time though, I did something amazing. Not everyone makes it to nationals on their first try. I should be proud of myself, but I don't know if I am. Yes, it's true that I left California with a slight regret, but I feel like this experience serves as a reminder to me that there will always be someone who performs better than I do. If I hadn't been pushed into taking that test some months ago, I never would have had this experience. And for that, I am grateful. After my event passed, it was pretty difficult to get through the rest of the ceremony because I didn't have a specific name that I was looking for. It was kind of funny to see the reactions of the people who placed. Some guy was really grumpy for whatever reason and basically snatched his award without a second glance. I wonder what his problem was. Another guy hugged the national officer who presented the award to him, which was funny because I don't think that the guys even knew each other, haha. 

The end of the closing session was dramatic and heartfelt. It was dramatic because they announced the next FBLA National President as well as the other officers; I was disappointed that Nick didn't win. I mean, I might be biased since he's from my state, but he's so brilliant and I really think he had the best speaking skills out of all of the candidates. Of course, I don't mean to say that Cole is the wrong choice, I just felt that Nick was better suited. I wish Cole all the best as the FBLA National President and I hope his experience is one that stays with him all through his life. The most heartfelt moment of the entire session occurred at the end. Each of the national officers, with the exception of Nikitas (former FBLA National President), stared directly at the crowd with voice-overs in the background. They didn't actually speak. It was meant to be as though you were listening in on their thoughts. They all looked like they were going to cry. I'm pretty sure they all teared up to some extent and/or tried their very best not to. As I was saying, the most heartfelt moment was when CJ (former FBLA National Treasurer) made the effort to stand up from his wheelchair. And on either side of him was a fellow officer holding him steady. Everyone in the convention center stood up then and there clapping and cheering. And me, I actually cried because of how moved I was. FBLA is an organization that stands for a lot of things, but I think what some people neglect to see or are incapable of seeing is that at the core of FBLA there is teamwork, support, determination, and perseverance. 

Since Sunday was somewhat boring and stressful, the five of us (Meagan, Kayla, Lauren, Mahek, and I) walked to IHOP for dinner after the awards/closing session was over. We just went crazy. I think it's because we were restricted from acting up for so long that we just let loose. I've never had such an amazing IHOP experience as I did on Sunday night. And it will be a long time before I have one that's just as crazy and funny. We laughed so much and so loudly that I'm almost certain some people were annoyed with us. I'm still amazed that we didn't get kicked out. That's how crazy we were. It was fun though. 

Honestly, I have gained so much from my FBLA experience, a lot more than I ever thought I would. Whenever Nikitas (former FBLA National President) spoke, he came across as calm, collected, and professional. I'm just so amazed that someone who is my age like Nikitas (or someone who is younger like Nick) can be well spoken. I know that I have the potential to be a good speaker, it just depends on how much I want it. I've been so inspired by all that has happened with FBLA this past week that I've decided to TRY starting up a PBL chapter at Shenandoah University. I think it's weird that SU doesn't have a PBL chapter. If I can follow through with my idea and round up enough support, SU will have a PBL chapter. Why do I sound so determined? I'm not ready to let this kind of experience fade away, especially when I can keep it going. I know that starting up a chapter will be difficult. I actually don't even know how to start one up but I have resources to help me do so. I know I can do this. 

(EDIT: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA, I'M SO FUNNY. I lost my interest and desire in accomplishing this before I even got a few weeks into college. Sorry, it wasn't for me.)

California was great. We got to see the Hollywood sign, Beverly Hills, and the LA Film School. I'm glad to be home, but I do miss California. I miss all of the FBLA madness. I had such a good time. I don't know if I could ever live in California, but I'd like to go back. I'd like to walk those streets again and reminisce. Maybe someday I'll say goodbye to Virginia, but that day if it ever does come is far in the future. It's all just a musing for now. Thank you, California, for being so wonderful. 

One last thing though, before IFL ended, we sang a pretty fitting song together. Have a listen. :)

 

"I hopped off the plane at LAX with a dream and my cardigan. Welcome to the land of fame excess, whoa, am I gonna fit in? I jumped in the cab, here I am for the first time. Look to my right and I see the Hollywood sign."  -- Party in the USA by Miley Cyrus

(Yeah, we went there! And I'm so glad we sang along to this song, because now I have a connection to it. I've been to LAX and seen the Hollywood sign!)

Fall Out Boy's My Songs Know What You Did In The Dark was played a few times. Also, as we left the convention center after the awards/closing session ended, I was able to fully get back to myself while singing along to #thatPOWER by will.i.am as we made our way to the exit. (I only know Justin Bieber's part though, not will.i.am's.) During the awards ceremony, they mostly used an instrumental of will.i.am's Scream and Shout. It felt like a runway show. They used an instrumental of Ellie Goulding's Lights and Swedish House Mafia's Don't You Worry Child somewhere during the awards/closing session. 

FBLA is cool. That's all you need to know. 

Note: I left a lot of details out. I forgot to mention a lot of different things. I've probably forgotten some things already, but I can only remember so much. Anyway, I think you get the idea. I had a good time. 

EDIT: My interest and "passion" for FBLA-PBL has since fizzled out. It was a good ride, FBLA, and I thank you for it. Sorry PBL, I just don't have the time or the interest. 

Life Among The Stars

Call me what you will, but I believe in aliens. No, I don't have some crazy story to spin for you. It's just a simple belief, a small sliver of hope that I hold onto. I think it's arrogant and ignorant for humans to assume that we are all that exists in the universe. I will never stop believing in all of the possibilities that exist out there. There is intelligent life out there. We are not alone.

Sometimes I wonder if there is some alien civilization that is out there watching the human race. I've thought to myself, they can see us, but we can't see them. I've wondered why they won't reach out to us. And I ultimately came to the conclusion that they might be horrified by some of our actions, how easily we are willing to kill and hurt each other without remorse. In that same note, there must be some civilization that thinks we're funny creatures because we have emotions, because we can feel. After all, we are very odd beings.

Every now and then, I toss my hopes to the starlit night and wish for some kind of a sign, for some contact. Then I smile sadly to myself and remember that contact probably won't occur in my lifetime, but someday far out there it will. And these words of mine won't sound so bizarre. Someday.

3 Idiots

3 Idiots. One of the greatest Bollywood movies I have ever seen in my life. And now, it's become my favorite. THANKS AARTI! Before I started watching the movie, I just thought it was going to be one of those silly comedy flicks, but I was wrong. I was so very wrong. It was so much more than that. Not to mention, the music was absolutely gorgeous.

3 Idiots has a lot of different themes and as much as I'd love to focus on just one of the themes, I can't. I'll start with the most obvious one though: friendship/love. I think people sometimes forget that one of the most beautiful forms of love exists in friendship hence why I put a slash between the two. Anyway, the portrayal of friendship and love was so beautiful and moving. Rancho, Raju, and Farhan end up in the same room at the Imperial College of Engineering (ICE) and become fast friends. It is really hard to put all of my feelings into why I love their friendship/bromance. Simply put, they are always there for each other. Even though Rancho is at the top of the class, he doesn't put himself above Raju and Farhan. Raju and Farhan accept Rancho for the eccentric, free spirit that he is. When Raju's father goes into cardiac arrest and an ambulance can't reach there quick enough, it is Rancho who rushes him to the hospital, ultimately saving the life of Raju's father. And when Raju tearfully thanks Rancho, it's just so beautiful. I cried. When Raju is threatened with expulsion if he doesn't pin a drunk (and rather funny) incident on Racho, he refuses and instead goes to an extreme. That extreme measure puts Raju in a coma and in the hospital. Faithfully as ever though, Rancho and Farhan are there. Rancho is even able to finally convince Farhan to go to his parents and tell them that he doesn't want to be an engineer, but a wildlife photographer. The friendship that these three share is overwhelmingly powerful. Understand that Farhan and Raju never would have changed had it not been for Rancho. They needed him as much as he needed them. Real friends, true friends, they love you for who you are, no matter how strange. They inspire you and encourage you. They make you laugh and cry. And they are always there for you. At the core of all everlasting and meaningful friendships is love.

One of the other prominent themes in 3 Idiots is success. Rancho believes that one should follow excellence rather than success. Success will take care of itself. "Follow excellence, success will chase you, pants down." In the same line of success is what we dream of being in the future, what we want as a future career. In both Indian and Pakistani culture, science is highly valued and rightfully so. But even so, becoming an engineer or a doctor isn't all that exists out there. In the movie, Rancho tells Farhan that he will regret not taking the chance to become a wildlife photgrapher while he still has the opportunity to do so. At ICE, the students are made to believe that life is a race. Rancho being who he is doesn't believe that. He makes a point of how the education system at ICE is broken and places too much pressure on students. And quite honestly, that same thought can probably be applied to education systems put in place today, all over the world. We live our lives thinking that we've got to be number one. And all we seem to do is memorize. Rancho knows that isn't right and I do too. Life isn't a race so stop treating it like one. You don't have to be number one to be successful or content as seen with Farhan and Raju. And even if you are number one, be the right kind of number one. Be the person that loves to learn for the sake of increasing your own knowledge. Be the person that wants to learn and apply what you learn when you can. Be the student that earns the astronaut pen of excellence. 

The whole movie is just so inspiring, especially after you discover the truth about Rancho. It really teaches you a lot about life and even about yourself. I will forewarn you and say that it is a movie of feelings. Lots of feelings. It was so moving that I cried and laughed and smiled. I stared at the screen intently, waiting to see what would happen next to the three idiots. I can honestly say that watching 3 Idiots was worth approximately 3 hours. It's a movie that everyone should watch. I'm certain that everyone can take away something from the movie.

I will now leave you with one of the songs from 3 Idiots with a link to the English translation. And if anyone is interested in watching the movie, send a message my way. Enjoy!

http://lyricstranslate.com/en/behti-hawa-sa-tha-woh-be-flowing-wind.html

"Standing in the hall of fame, and the world's gonna know your name"

 

This is my obligatory graduation post, and I'm writing it two days after the fact. I was thinking about not writing one since I've blogged so much about what I anticipated my feelings for graduation would be, but it's time to say how it really felt.

I hitched a ride on graduation morning with Megan and Lauren, we picked up Kasey on our way to school. I made some comment to Megan about how it would be her last time turning into Sherando as a student. Anyway, we got to school with some free time to kill, which was spent talking and goofing off. We were slowly herded into the auditorium for some short speeches from staff (teachers, Mr. Nelson, Mr. Smith). And then we stood up to go on our final walk as students: the senior walk. The hallways were beautiful. All of the hard work showed through so brilliantly. We went through it rather quickly though. After that, we marched outside and down the steps towards the field with Pomp and Circumstance playing in the background. We walked through the two rows of teachers and to our seats. The ceremony was brief; Aarti and Christina's speeches went well. Names were called off at a rapid pace. The Warrior came out onto the field and then caps were flung into the air. 

In my opinion, it all went by too fast. I still don't even know how I'm supposed to feel. I know that I should feel overjoyed or full of sadness, but I honestly didn't feel either one right after. I mean, I'm glad that I've graduated high school and a bit sad at the same time, but nothing has changed yet. I always thought that I'd be an emotional wreck on graduation day, but I couldn't have been more wrong. Although, a few tears fell down my face when Lacy spoke in honor of Tray. How could I have possibly held back? He would have sat to my right. Anyway, it all passed too quickly for me to feel anything. Well, I did feel regret, but it was about silly and trivial matters. If I had to choose my favorite part of graduation, I think it would probably be when the Warrior came out onto the field while the perfect music was playing in the background and Mr. Nelson was saying the traditional final remarks. Somethin' like "may you soar high with the eagles." I love that. I love being a Warrior. Best mascot ever.

Now, I want to explain the song. It's kind of a big part of what I want to say to my fellow Class of 2013 Warriors, and really to all Class of 2013 graduates. When I hear "standing in the hall of fame," it reminds me of our fast paced senior walk, our handprints. With those handprints, we'll be in the "hall of fame" for at least a good 10 years. The memories of those halls aren't lost to us yet. As for the part "and the world's gonna know your name," I think it's self-explanatory. It's what I hope for my fellow graduates, that world will know our names for the Warriors that we are and always will be. All of us have the potential to be in a bigger "hall of fame" as long as we remember to strive for it. I wish my fellow Warriors all the best in the world: the utmost happiness, success, love, and struggles to remind you that you are a Warrior for a reason. Heh, Sherando isn't really a glamorous place, but it's become home for so many of us. It's where we matured, where we found ourselves, where we lost ourselves, where we made lifelong friends, where we struggled, and where we grew. Once a Warrior, always a Warrior. Don't forget my friends, "you can be a champion." And no matter where we end up Class of 2013, let's stay in touch. CONGRATULATIONS! I LOVE YOU, ALL!

[I ramble a lot. I don't think I can convey my feelings accurately and properly, but maybe the song will help out. Also, know that when I say "a bigger hall of fame," I don't necessarily mean fame and money and all of the jewels in the world. There's a hall of fame much better and more rewarding than that, and that's the one that I'm going to strive to be a part of. Being in that hall of fame means changing the world for the better or being a kid's hero, something of that nature. A permanent hall of fame.]

One Last Ride

I rode the bus to school this morning. It's something I haven't done all year until now since I usually get a ride from Liz, Matthew, or Paul. As I stood in the driveway this morning, I thought back to the moment when I realized that I would never ride the bus to Aylor again. I waited in anticipation that morning, probably excited but nervous too. And so, this morning, I felt a similar pang of sadness. It was my last morning bus ride with Earl (the bus driver of 212) ever. 

On my final morning ride to Sherando on bus 212, I listened to music. I closed my eyes and tried to remember the past few years. The years I spent with Elizabeth, Matthew, and Paul. The bus rides had kept us together for years. The four of us became friends back in fourth grade. Now, eight years have passed, and we're parting ways. Last year, we talked about going to New York during the summer after senior year or in our first years of college. It started off as a joke by Paul, I think. The more I've thought about it though, the more I've wanted us to do it. Just one road trip together. 

The four of us loved riding the bus together. It was rare if one of us was ever alone. I think that's one of the things I'll miss the most. We all got along just fine if one of us wasn't there, but we had much more fun when we were all together. My bus group. It's the longest living group I've ever been a part of. The only group that has withstood summers and time apart. And I don't think it will fade so quickly. We still have one last ride to go on together.

A Letter From My Junior Self

Well, this is going to be extremely embarrassing for me, but oh well. So, I wrote a letter to myself last year towards the end of my junior year. And now, it's time for me to see what happened. Oh, you're invited to read this as well, even though it's majorly embarrassing. Comments from current me will be in this color. Let's get to it!

Dear Fawzia, 

Hello there, how are you? (Hi! I'm doing just fine! Really chipper for no reason, actually!) This is a message from you that dates back to the end of your junior year. (Dude, guess what? You're a senior now and graduating!) You’re sitting here typing this because of Deepak (Tomy) De’s blog post about the letter he wrote to himself during freshman year; he received that letter recently as he is graduating now. (I remember reading that blog post! Lovely post by the way! Deepak, you finished your first year at UVA! Yay!) You regret the fact that Mrs. Hott did not have you write a letter to your future self so you’ve decided to write one on your own, even though you will be graduating in a year’s time. (Yeah, I really wish my class had gotten the chance to write letters to ourselves. It should be a requirement. I think it's important for us to see how much we've grown.) This will more than likely be a long letter, mostly rambling and full of emotions and stuff. It’s time to switch to first person now, but I’ll probably switch back to second person at times.(I probably screwed up with the whole first person and second person thing. Meh, can't be bothered about it now!)

It is past 12 in the morning on June 3^rd, 2012. I was just with Alley, Taylor, Cristian, Cali, and DeAndre a couple of hours ago. (I remember that night. Alley finally celebrated her birthday. It was a fun night. We played video games and made some really ridiculous jokes. Also, apple pie.) Then I came home and saw an interesting blog post, which I mentioned briefly in the previous paragraph. I don’t really know what to say to myself. I guess I’m supposed to say what I hope to become in the future. I’ll mention some friends throughout this letter to myself and in a year’s time, I’ll get to see how much things have changed. I’ll speak of the changes that have occurred. 

This entire paragraph is about what I hope I have been able to become or what I hope I continue to do or change and other things of that nature. Future self, I hope you are confident now. (Sorry junior me, I'm still not all that confident. I'm still trying to be.) I hope you aren’t self-destructive anymore. I hope you have stopped degrading yourself. (I think the self-destructiveness comes and goes. And by self-destructiveness, I mean it in a psychological and emotional sense, not a physical one. Again, still working on that. I think I've become just a little bit stronger though.) I hope you realize that you have a purpose and that just maybe you’ve changed people or helped them in some way. (You know, I don't really know anymore. Sometimes, I feel like I have a purpose. Other times, I can't help but wonder what I am doing here. As for helping people, I hope I've been able to do that.) I hope you don’t procrastinate as much anymore. (HAHAHAHA, that is the best joke ever. Nope, you still procrastinate, loser!) I hope you’ve become smarter and have a larger vocabulary. I hope you’ve continued reading books and have a much better vocabulary now. (Eeek, I'm sorry! I'll work on that vocabulary this summer!) I hope you still love your family and friends unconditionally as you do now. (Don't worry junior me, you're still a sap. Always have been and always will be.) I hope you never lose your faith, even though you aren’t as religious as you know you should be. (You still got it, but need to be better.) I hope you experience all sorts of things and that you find some way to learn and grow from those experiences. (Two words: FBLA Nationals!) I hope you continue to make friends. (Funny how you always think you'll never make friends, but you did. Funny how I'm sitting here going back and forth about how my friend making ability at SU will be.) I hope you continue to be capable of feeling different emotions, instead of just wanting to be happy every second. I hope you continue to have those moments when you can’t feel anything at all. (Still feel sad, annoyed, and even without a care in the world. You didn't turn into a mindless bubbly happy robot, good work.)  I hope your medication has decreased by now and that you’re able to take it with water instead of applesauce. (I'm pretty awesome, because this actually came true! You did it!) I hope you still have a social life. (It's still there, on and off at times, but still there. It will be in full swing after graduation. So many parties.) I hope you’ve accepted the heart you were transplanted with on October 20^th, 2011 as your own now. (I think I have. But I still, unfortunately, have moments of feeling unworthy and undeserving. They don't occur often so don't worry. I always talk about how I'm living two lives, but I wonder if I even am. I still have to write to her family.)

Now, I’m going to blab about my friends or people that I know of and care about. The people you really care about or consider to be good friends or close friends are as follows: Alley, Taylor, Cristian, Cali, DeAndre, Gee, Casey, Deepak (Tomy), Andy (male), Mikayla, Brittany, Libby, Sarah, Andy (female), Kaylee, Kasey, Cassy, Loganne, Jordan, Marie, Ashley L, Aarti, Ashley D, Lauren, Tianhui, Megan, Claire, Paul, Matthew, Elizabeth, Everly, Maddie, Callie, Julia, Chris, Hubert, Haley, Baylen, Alexa, Addison, Mari, Beth, Zach (squiggles), Kaira, Zach, Sidney, Morgan…and I’m sure there’s plenty more. I guess Sarah doesn’t quite belong in that list since she’s not at Sherando, but I’ll just keep her there. I didn’t put Anh or Andrew in that list since they’re not Sherando kids. I also didn’t put Abhinav in that list either, which I’ll explain in a little bit. The people I listed are really just people that I interact with a lot or have interacted with a lot during junior year. (Well, that's a huge list. You know what's funny? I'm not even close to some of those people anymore; also female Andy now goes by Annie, haha. Actually, I never truly was close to some of them. I won't say who's stayed on the list and who hasn't or who has made it onto the list. It was kind of childish to do, but it's interesting to see how things have changed.) 

I don’t really feel like explaining why all of the people listed above are important to me or why I care about them so much, but there’s some that I’d like to explain. For example, I’d like to explain Abhinav. He and I aren’t friends and probably won’t ever be, but he’s very special to me. He’s shown me a different perspective, one that I’m very happy to have discovered through him. He doesn’t know that though. To him, I’m probably just that creeper girl who asks him weird questions. There is truth to that though. I really do want to be his friend, but it’s not going to happen at this point. I initiated conversation far too late and haven’t said anything except for “hey” to him in person. I’d also like to explain Deepak (Tomy) a little bit too. I could probably write pages and pages about him, but I won’t. He’s very special to me also. I’m glad I met him. He’s provided a lot of emotional healing that I needed back in middle school. I feel no embarrassment in saying that he’s a wonderful person. He and Abhinav are two really amazing guys. I’m sad to see them leave Sherando, but it’s time for them to go. I won’t forget how they changed my life. My other friends are pretty self-explanatory if you know me. I would like to mention Casey briefly though. She’s just all around awesome and I’m so lucky to have her. I’ve also become closer to Alley and Taylor, which is very nice. I’ve finally leveled up in the friendship ranks. I’m too lazy to explain my other friends and it is pretty late now anyway; it’s past one in the morning.(AHHHH, so embarrassing. Yes, this is the embarrassing part. Oh well. The guys know I'm crazy anyhow. Honestly though, Deepak and Abhinav are both still important to me. The two of them come up in conversation with Casey and Aarti, but only every now and then. And we're usually laughing at them. If not that, then Casey is pairing Aarti and I off to them. Casey is crazy, but I love her.) 

Future self, how much have you changed? Have you become confident? Have you become a better person to yourself and others? Have you lost your innocent self entirely? Do you still have the same values as you used to? And most importantly, do you still feel the same way about all of the people you interacted with during junior year? Or have your friends changed? (Well junior me, I think I have changed. I'm not really that much more confident than I was a year ago, I'm sure, but it's a work in progress. I think I'm still just as harsh to myself as I was last year. I hope I'm a good person to others. What did you mean by losing your innocent self? o_o You're a weirdo, junior me. I guess I'm still sweet, but I'm very sassy. I'm more outspoken than I've ever been before. I think my values are pretty much the same. Sadly, no, I don't still feel the same way about the people I interacted with during junior year. I've kept all of the people who were/are extremely important to me though. I made a handful of new friends, strengthened old bonds, and even let a few slip away entirely. I can't keep everyone I love/have loved over these past four years. I vaguely remember Deepak and Abhinav's graduation speeches, but I remember how I felt. I have cared as much as I could.)  

I’ll see you in a year, future self. Let’s see how much you grow.(It's actually not a year later, since I wrote this on June 3rd, but close enough! I can't help but question if I've actually grown at all or if I've just become more immature. Guess it's a little bit of both!)

Fawzia Bhatty from junior year 

I kind of want to write a letter to myself about SU, but I think I will wait until after school starts to do that. I think I need to get a feel for it first. Besides, if I start writing that letter now, I'm going to end up blabbing about like two people, and that wouldn't be good. Bye for now!