"It builds character"

I graduated from SU yesterday. What's more surprising was that I didn't cry at all yesterday. I told myself that I would feel differently from when I graduated high school. Honestly, graduating from college is so different from high school. I thought I would feel sadder when I graduated from high school, but I accepted it as it was. I was quite happy throughout graduation yesterday, despite the weather. The heartache, I realized, comes later. There is so much more emotion associated with college.

I'll go back to SU more than a few times this summer, I'm sure. (Probably tomorrow, if I'm being honest.) But it won't be the same anymore. I almost feel like a memory rather than a current existence. I'll never be a student at SU again. I'll never sit in my spot in HLSB to study or do homework or procrastinate. I'll never wander through the hallway on the third floor of HLSB to bother everyone as a student ever again. It's hard to not think of all of the things I'll never do again as a student. Even though I wanted to graduate (and have), I also didn't want to leave. I don't want to be forgotten.

There's a lot of pain and heartbreak in the buildings on campus, in the walls of those buildings, and on the sidewalks. I can still picture some of the memories clearly, I can transpose them onto the surroundings. Some of them happy, some of them not so much, but all of them make me nostalgic. For this reason alone, it'll be good for me to leave and move on. It's about time I pick up my feet and let them take me elsewhere, somewhere away from home and all of the emotion associated with home.

It's funny to think back to freshman year and how painfully awkward and quiet I used to be. I used to think I would never make any friends. And then something beautiful happened and I made friends. Unfortunately, as fate would have it, I didn't get to keep all of them. Time, distance, and different perspectives can really make or break a friendship. I also made mistakes too, and those mistakes costed me a few very precious friendships that I had assumed I would have forever. Do I regret it? Of course, I always will regret that there were people I lost because of my own actions. But some lessons take some hurting to learn from them. And now, I treasure the friends that I have been able to keep all the more. No matter what happens from here on out, I'll remember everyone I held dear at Shenandoah. Memories last for as long as you choose to remember them and I choose to keep all of the ones that I can, no matter how wonderful or awful they may have been.

Thank you to everyone who has been a part of my journey at SU, especially my family, my friends (those that I've made along the way and those who have been there from before), the professors of the biology department, the professors of the chemistry department, the one man physics department, the best general education professors one could ever have, Tracy, and so many others. And thank you to God, my family, my donor family, and my donor, without whom I would not have had the opportunity to make it this far.

Thank you, SU, for loving me so well despite me being a mess.

So, what's next? Summer. Work. A microeconomics class, much to my discontent. Hopefully lots of reading. Lots of Netflix, of course. Some SU visiting. Hanging out with friends. Spending time with family.

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The title of this blog post is the most annoying and cringeworthy catchphrase I heard over the past four years at SU. Thanks, Dr. Kite.

"I watched the world go round and round and see mine turning upside down"

Hello, friends. The word 'hello' looks weird to me today. It's been a long while since you've heard from me. I'll be back again shortly after this post to commemorate my five year transplant anniversary, but until then I'll leave you with how I've been.

I can't describe the past few weeks, or maybe month, as anything less than physically, emotionally, and mentally draining. In short, I've been something of a mess and it's starting to show in my academic performance and my general appearance and mood. I guess fall break couldn't come at a more appropriate time for me. I hope I can recompose myself to a better version of myself.

Happiness has been in and out of my reaches lately. And it's been a little lonely as far as my social life goes. I don't have much of one anymore--everyone is too busy, I feel really out of place and disconnected, and I'm too tired to do anything. I spend much of my free time with my professors and with a few friendly familiar faces in HLSB and that's about it. I guess that makes me kind of lame, but I take what kindness, humor, and love I can get.

I took my modern physics midterm exam today...or at least semi-tried to. I feel bad for Dr. Bly because he has to try to make sense out of my nonsense. You might be thinking that I'm being too hard on myself, but I promise that I'm not. All of my answers were complete rubbish. I wasn't prepared enough and it's obvious that I didn't learn anything in the past several weeks even though I should have. But I guess that's the price you pay when you jump off a cliff and try to build your wings on the way down. The worst part is how anxious I've been leading up to this midterm and knowing that it's not going to be okay. I used to think that any one of my chemistry classes was my match, but I was wrong. I've met my match and it's irrefutably physics and always will be. Dark, complicated, beautiful physics.

I'm still nowhere close to figuring out what to do after graduation. A lot of people tell me that it's okay, but that's hard to believe. I'm 21 and I don't have a clue. I used to think that I'd be that type of person who just goes to school for the rest of their life, but I'm not sure I could survive that much schooling.

Yesterday, I asked Dr. Haubrick why everyone believes in me except for me and she told me something along the lines of this: "Fawzia's biggest critic is Fawzia." I told Dr. Cantwell today that I think people overestimate me and she basically told me that they (the professors) are right in the way they perceive me, meaning that it's time for me to change the way I think of myself. I want to believe them so badly, but I just can't get my brain on board. And I really can't get it on board after that physics midterm. That's just not going to happen. I've become really great at disappointing lately.

I've been listening to Genesis a lot lately and went through a brief phase of listening to Sting and The Police. I think it's been helping to keep me in check...either that or it's been contributing to my overall gloominess. And I can't tell which it is today because today has been rough.

Sorry 'bout that. I sound too negative, I know. I know it doesn't sound like I am trying, but I am. I am trying. I'm just tired. Forgive me for the stream of negativity that has become this blog post. I'm just tired.

The End of an Era

It's hard to believe that sophomore year is over now, that I'm a junior in college and I still have no idea what I want to do in life. It feels like a lot has changed over the past two years and then almost nothing at all, but I think that's because I haven't made much progress towards any of my goals. I've always been slower than everyone else, I think it's one of my fatal flaws among other things.

Sophomore year of college, Alice says it's the most difficult year of college. I don't think I can say that she's right or wrong just yet, but I do understand why she said that. First semester of sophomore year was pure agony with regards to classes. Three science classes with labs and two gen eds wasn't the best idea. But the first semester was also a lot of fun because I actually did things like going to an apple orchard with friends, seeing shows featuring the ever so talented folks of the conservatory, and sleeping over in Anne and Osinachi's room. First semester was the conference room era, the intense study sessions together...or maybe not so intense because I remember goofing off a lot. It was when I was in the UI almost every single day without fail, including the weekends too. Second semester was very different from that. Our schedules stopped coincided the way they used. I had a smaller load of classes and classwork to worry about and yet it seemed like I was much busier. As stressful as a full schedule is, I think it prompts you to make time for doing fun stuff rather than just happening upon it like this semester. But there was still a lot of good that came out of this semester: me starting to watch Parks and Rec, having my first frappuccino with Lila and Kyle as my witnesses, and pretty much all of Apple Blossom weekend. This semester was the end of an era. Sounds weird saying that now even though I'm only halfway through college, but it's true in a way because of who I'm losing and who I'm gaining and all of the changes that are going to settle into place in the fall. To my three dear friends who are moving on, Leesun, Kyle, and Lila, I wish you the best of luck and I will see you later--although, I really hope that later comes a lot sooner than when I think it will. And to my dear Symone, it's so wonderful to have you back.

I will miss sophomore year for a lot of reasons. There are a lot of good memories that I'm taking away from this academic year. I only hope that junior year is just as much fun.

First Semester Reflection

As of yesterday, my first semester as a college freshman ended. Honestly, it's been so surreal. The past couple of months have been so unreal. I can't believe that I won't be waking up early on Monday for class.

I wish I could go back to August and tell myself that it would all turn out just fine. I vaguely remember how I was in the beginning. I was bitter and lonely. I was awkward too, but that doesn't count since I'm always awkward. I'm sitting here trying to think back that far. Those first couple of weeks...I didn't really have anyone. But then something good happened, my awkward self went to Tracy's house for dinner. My awkward self had an awkward good time. And because of that awkward good time, I met people who I now consider to be friends. That's when I met Silvino, who is not only a friend, but also one of the reasons why I have friends. It's kind of funny actually because Silvino ended up being a catalyst for me. My willingness to open up is something that I partly attribute to him. Things slowly began to unwind after he'd continuously acknowledge me and I felt myself becoming more comfortable with being at SU. And eventually, I started to love SU. And the various people that I interacted with frequently soon became people worth holding onto, friends. I think this goes without saying, but I'm really grateful for the new friends I've made.

I think I'm supposed to probably say something about how classes went, right? In an overall sense, they went well. Some classes were definitely a lot better than others, that's for sure. Sometimes classes seem like they are going to be a lot of fun, but then they turn out to be boring and kind of pointless. That did happen. In the same line of thought, sometimes classes seem like they are going to be super difficult or stressful, but they turn out to be pretty chill. Eh, I guess for the last one I should have said lab, ah whatever. And as always, some professors turn out to be better than others. I'm kind of in love with about half of the science professors at SU. Not even slightly ashamed to admit that, because they're so awesome. At this point in time, I'm anxiously waiting for my grades...and eagerly awaiting the start of the second semester because I need human contact.

At first glance, what appeared to be a cruel twist of fate on that August day blossomed into a beautiful blessing. In short, it's been a bittersweet first semester. There are days that I already miss and wish to relive again, BUT there are so many wonderful days that are yet to come and I'm looking forward to them.

Below is the song I listened to while writing this post. Scottish Gaelic is so pretty. ♥

Forces of Destiny

I can say it now with confidence, with pride. I'm happy here. In August, I was so bitter, so resentful, about staying in the same place, even though it's a place that I'll always love no matter where I go. I didn't think I would ever accept it, but these feelings are real and honest. These feelings are mine to express and cherish. The welcoming aura, the warm feeling of love, that I was so afraid of was and is real. I was afraid that it was all a facade, but it wasn't. I was surprised.

I didn't think I'd adjust so quickly. I didn't think I'd find my niche. I've done a complete 180 since August. I have friends, people who've become so precious to me. I don't have to be afraid of being myself around people. I am free to be me. I am accepted as who I am.

Even the professors have become important people. Professors who care and really want to see us succeed, that's the kind of atmosphere I needed. In a university as small as mine, I'm not just a number or just a face, I have a name. I could never be in a place where the professors don't care to know my name. I could never imagine myself in a place where my university president didn't know my name. 

I don't regret my decision. I'll never regret it. I'm not sad anymore. And I'm not alone.

(The title of this post is the name of the song above. It's a nice song.)