to be deleted some day

To my first love,

I’m glad that I loved you so strongly once upon a time, but even more grateful that we are still friends. I still love you, but time and distance have made the intensity of the love I felt for you back then less intense. I wanted to tell you about my feelings back then, but I didn’t want to destroy our friendship. I fear that a confession would most assuredly have had dire consequences and I was unwilling to lose you as a dear friend. But I’m pretty sure you knew how I felt from the hugs and how much I wanted to hold your hand and be close to you.

Your way of thinking and existing was fresh and new to me. I had never met anyone with a mind like yours. I learned so much from you. Knowing you made me a more informed person. Loving you made me softer and happier at heart. I still wonder from time to time whether or not you cared as much about me as I did you. I’ve always known that the answer was and still is no. I wanted to impact you as much as you impacted me, but I failed miserably. I’m sorry that I was never able to return the favor.

Please know that I’m not ashamed to have loved you back then, only worried that you wouldn’t want to be friends anymore, which is why I never said anything. I couldn’t have had a better first love. If by some chance you happen upon this note on my blog, promise me that you will place these words into the appropriate context—that is to say that these words, these feelings belong to a time in which I will not go back to out of respect for myself and for you.

Thank you for letting me love you back then and now.

"Standing in the hall of fame, and the world's gonna know your name"

 

This is my obligatory graduation post, and I'm writing it two days after the fact. I was thinking about not writing one since I've blogged so much about what I anticipated my feelings for graduation would be, but it's time to say how it really felt.

I hitched a ride on graduation morning with Megan and Lauren, we picked up Kasey on our way to school. I made some comment to Megan about how it would be her last time turning into Sherando as a student. Anyway, we got to school with some free time to kill, which was spent talking and goofing off. We were slowly herded into the auditorium for some short speeches from staff (teachers, Mr. Nelson, Mr. Smith). And then we stood up to go on our final walk as students: the senior walk. The hallways were beautiful. All of the hard work showed through so brilliantly. We went through it rather quickly though. After that, we marched outside and down the steps towards the field with Pomp and Circumstance playing in the background. We walked through the two rows of teachers and to our seats. The ceremony was brief; Aarti and Christina's speeches went well. Names were called off at a rapid pace. The Warrior came out onto the field and then caps were flung into the air. 

In my opinion, it all went by too fast. I still don't even know how I'm supposed to feel. I know that I should feel overjoyed or full of sadness, but I honestly didn't feel either one right after. I mean, I'm glad that I've graduated high school and a bit sad at the same time, but nothing has changed yet. I always thought that I'd be an emotional wreck on graduation day, but I couldn't have been more wrong. Although, a few tears fell down my face when Lacy spoke in honor of Tray. How could I have possibly held back? He would have sat to my right. Anyway, it all passed too quickly for me to feel anything. Well, I did feel regret, but it was about silly and trivial matters. If I had to choose my favorite part of graduation, I think it would probably be when the Warrior came out onto the field while the perfect music was playing in the background and Mr. Nelson was saying the traditional final remarks. Somethin' like "may you soar high with the eagles." I love that. I love being a Warrior. Best mascot ever.

Now, I want to explain the song. It's kind of a big part of what I want to say to my fellow Class of 2013 Warriors, and really to all Class of 2013 graduates. When I hear "standing in the hall of fame," it reminds me of our fast paced senior walk, our handprints. With those handprints, we'll be in the "hall of fame" for at least a good 10 years. The memories of those halls aren't lost to us yet. As for the part "and the world's gonna know your name," I think it's self-explanatory. It's what I hope for my fellow graduates, that world will know our names for the Warriors that we are and always will be. All of us have the potential to be in a bigger "hall of fame" as long as we remember to strive for it. I wish my fellow Warriors all the best in the world: the utmost happiness, success, love, and struggles to remind you that you are a Warrior for a reason. Heh, Sherando isn't really a glamorous place, but it's become home for so many of us. It's where we matured, where we found ourselves, where we lost ourselves, where we made lifelong friends, where we struggled, and where we grew. Once a Warrior, always a Warrior. Don't forget my friends, "you can be a champion." And no matter where we end up Class of 2013, let's stay in touch. CONGRATULATIONS! I LOVE YOU, ALL!

[I ramble a lot. I don't think I can convey my feelings accurately and properly, but maybe the song will help out. Also, know that when I say "a bigger hall of fame," I don't necessarily mean fame and money and all of the jewels in the world. There's a hall of fame much better and more rewarding than that, and that's the one that I'm going to strive to be a part of. Being in that hall of fame means changing the world for the better or being a kid's hero, something of that nature. A permanent hall of fame.]

It's Been A While

I haven't been blogging as much as I used to. Life has been pretty busy for me. It's starting to calm down a bit though. Let me catch you up. 

First, I think we'll start with school. School is getting really bothersome. I have senioritis. I like my high school, but I'm done with it. I'm ready to move on. I'm sure I'll miss it, but I'll come back someday. As for my performance in school right now, I'm doing well in everything except for physics and calculus. Although, I am making waves in calculus by getting help. It took me a long time to try to get help, but it's not too late for me. I'm still struggling with it, but I know I can get back up to where I should be. As for physics, it's completely beyond me. 

Now for my extracurricular activities. I haven't been going to MAT, but I hope to return this week. It's been so long and I miss the kids a lot. I hope they still remember me. FBLA is going well, don't have much to report there. ACADEMIC TEAM! Oh, how I love Academic Team. We've done really well for the season and next up is districts. This past week, we had three former members come to see matches: Elizabeth, Deepak, and Abhinav. It was really nice. As for NHS, I am making waves by trying to get a couple of big projects kick-started in spite of not being an official officer. In all honesty, I probably should have been an FBLA and NHS officer. I do have one regret in regards to extracurricular activities, I wish I had gone for Academic Team in my sophomore year like Mrs. Adams-Legge told me to. I think that's probably one of my biggest regrets of my high school years. 

Life in general is good, I suppose. My health has been fine, except that I've gained weight. I definitely plan on doing something about that. It's nice outside today so I'm going to go on a walk eventually and listen to music with my big headphones. I also have homework to do as well, unfortunately. 

I went for a walk yesterday and took some pictures. The pictures I took were of the street signs. I felt kind of sad. I'm eventually going to be moving from this little town of Stephens City. I've never lived anywhere else in my life. And even though there is nothing special to do here, I'm still attached to this place. I lived my whole life here. I don't want to forget this place. My house...I can't imagine it ever being sold, but it's going to happen eventually. I don't know if I can handle that. Towards the end of my slow walk, I started listening to Regina Spektor's 'The Call' repeatedly. 

                                                              "The Call"

It started out as a feeling
Which then grew into a hope
Which then turned into a quiet thought
Which then turned into a quiet word
And then that word grew louder and louder
'Til it was a battle cry
I'll come back when you call me
No need to say goodbye

Just because everything's changing
Doesn't mean it's never been this way before
All you can do is try to know who your friends are
As you head off to the war
Pick a star on the dark horizon and follow the light
You'll come back when it's over
No need to say goodbye
You'll come back when it's over
No need to say goodbye

Now we're back to the beginning
It's just a feeling and no one knows yet
But just because they can't feel it too
Doesn't mean that you have to forget
Let your memories grow stronger and stronger
'Til they're before your eyes
You'll come back when they call you
No need to say goodbye
You'll come back when they call you
No need to say goodbye

I probably have more that I'm forgetting to say, but this will do for now. I'm already starting to feel sad again.