Fragmented Feelings

November 14th, 2013 

There are all sorts of people in the world. There are some who have their whole lives written out in ink. There are others who change their minds once they figure out what they truly want. And then there are people like me who drift along with no clue whatsoever.

I've never understood why people think that I'm going to do great things in life. Sure, I get good grades and I've faced my own fair share of hardship, but that's not at all indicative of who I will be in the future or what I will do someday. What is it that people see in me? I'm not a genius or a whiz kid like other people I know.

I do want to do great things in the future, but I'm a dreamer not a doer. I am words without the actions, spineless. Don't people see that? I don't know how to become a doer. I don't know how to make a difference in people's lives. I lack the courage and confidence that determined people have. I lack the spirit and fire that passionate people have.

I'm afraid of being a disappointment. No one wants to be a disappointment. My professors at SU, I want them to see me succeed, I want them to be proud of me. I don't want to let them down. They've made such a difference in my life. I'm not just a number, a face, or a name to them, I'm a real person with feelings and dreams.


November 17th, 2013

In the past couple of weeks, I've had some really great times. I've been visibly happier, I think. But I've become a lot sadder too and I can't quite understand why. I've become increasingly chattier in the days that have passed, but I haven't quite been able to get past surface conversations. Heart to heart conversations are hard to start. I like heart to heart conversations the best. I like hearing about what people have gone through and the way they feel and why they feel the way that they do. That's not to say that I don't like being silly and goofy, because I enjoy being a clown, but I can't express all of myself through sass and witty remarks.

I'll be honest. I loved high school overall, but I don't really find myself missing it. But lately, there is one thing that I wish for. The ability to talk to my professors. Of course, I didn't just talk to anyone back at Sherando, only very special teachers. When I couldn't talk to my peers or my friends, I would talk to the only people who seemed like they could fathom how I felt: the adults. I mean the science professors at SU are really great (most of them are anyway) and I really do enjoy being around them. Lately, I just really want to talk to them. I want to talk to my professors, not my friends. I don't know why, but I've always kind of been this way ever since seventh grade. I like talking to adults about how I feel, but I've also discovered that talking to them can cause them a lot of grief. I don't want to burden anyone with my feelings. Emotions are such complicated little things. Anyway, it's not that I can't talk to my professors, I know that I can, but I don't want to inconvenience them or put them behind in their work or keep them from assisting someone else who's struggling to learn some material.


November 18th, 2013

I've always wanted to make a difference in people's lives. When I was little, I wanted to be a doctor so that I could help people. I wanted to help save lives because I didn't want people to go through things that I had gone through. Now that I'm older, I've come to realize that it's really difficult to have an impact on people. I don't usually tell people my story, because it doesn't change people's minds and hearts. It's impacted very few people. It's not a story that needs to be told, but I always thought that if I told it then people would understand who I am and why I behave the way I do. If they only knew, then they'd understand why I'm quick to treasure people and hesitant to let them go. It's hard to make a difference. It looks and feels so easy with all of the people around me doing amazing things, but it's not. Transforming words into actions is actually one of the toughest things to do. You have to really want it, and even then it's sometimes not enough. I don't know what I want to do in the future. I don't even know if science is really for me. There's nothing else that I'm even remotely good at. Science is all I have going for me. It's the only thing that I'm interested in.