A Letter From My Junior Self

Well, this is going to be extremely embarrassing for me, but oh well. So, I wrote a letter to myself last year towards the end of my junior year. And now, it's time for me to see what happened. Oh, you're invited to read this as well, even though it's majorly embarrassing. Comments from current me will be in this color. Let's get to it!

Dear Fawzia, 

Hello there, how are you? (Hi! I'm doing just fine! Really chipper for no reason, actually!) This is a message from you that dates back to the end of your junior year. (Dude, guess what? You're a senior now and graduating!) You’re sitting here typing this because of Deepak (Tomy) De’s blog post about the letter he wrote to himself during freshman year; he received that letter recently as he is graduating now. (I remember reading that blog post! Lovely post by the way! Deepak, you finished your first year at UVA! Yay!) You regret the fact that Mrs. Hott did not have you write a letter to your future self so you’ve decided to write one on your own, even though you will be graduating in a year’s time. (Yeah, I really wish my class had gotten the chance to write letters to ourselves. It should be a requirement. I think it's important for us to see how much we've grown.) This will more than likely be a long letter, mostly rambling and full of emotions and stuff. It’s time to switch to first person now, but I’ll probably switch back to second person at times.(I probably screwed up with the whole first person and second person thing. Meh, can't be bothered about it now!)

It is past 12 in the morning on June 3^rd, 2012. I was just with Alley, Taylor, Cristian, Cali, and DeAndre a couple of hours ago. (I remember that night. Alley finally celebrated her birthday. It was a fun night. We played video games and made some really ridiculous jokes. Also, apple pie.) Then I came home and saw an interesting blog post, which I mentioned briefly in the previous paragraph. I don’t really know what to say to myself. I guess I’m supposed to say what I hope to become in the future. I’ll mention some friends throughout this letter to myself and in a year’s time, I’ll get to see how much things have changed. I’ll speak of the changes that have occurred. 

This entire paragraph is about what I hope I have been able to become or what I hope I continue to do or change and other things of that nature. Future self, I hope you are confident now. (Sorry junior me, I'm still not all that confident. I'm still trying to be.) I hope you aren’t self-destructive anymore. I hope you have stopped degrading yourself. (I think the self-destructiveness comes and goes. And by self-destructiveness, I mean it in a psychological and emotional sense, not a physical one. Again, still working on that. I think I've become just a little bit stronger though.) I hope you realize that you have a purpose and that just maybe you’ve changed people or helped them in some way. (You know, I don't really know anymore. Sometimes, I feel like I have a purpose. Other times, I can't help but wonder what I am doing here. As for helping people, I hope I've been able to do that.) I hope you don’t procrastinate as much anymore. (HAHAHAHA, that is the best joke ever. Nope, you still procrastinate, loser!) I hope you’ve become smarter and have a larger vocabulary. I hope you’ve continued reading books and have a much better vocabulary now. (Eeek, I'm sorry! I'll work on that vocabulary this summer!) I hope you still love your family and friends unconditionally as you do now. (Don't worry junior me, you're still a sap. Always have been and always will be.) I hope you never lose your faith, even though you aren’t as religious as you know you should be. (You still got it, but need to be better.) I hope you experience all sorts of things and that you find some way to learn and grow from those experiences. (Two words: FBLA Nationals!) I hope you continue to make friends. (Funny how you always think you'll never make friends, but you did. Funny how I'm sitting here going back and forth about how my friend making ability at SU will be.) I hope you continue to be capable of feeling different emotions, instead of just wanting to be happy every second. I hope you continue to have those moments when you can’t feel anything at all. (Still feel sad, annoyed, and even without a care in the world. You didn't turn into a mindless bubbly happy robot, good work.)  I hope your medication has decreased by now and that you’re able to take it with water instead of applesauce. (I'm pretty awesome, because this actually came true! You did it!) I hope you still have a social life. (It's still there, on and off at times, but still there. It will be in full swing after graduation. So many parties.) I hope you’ve accepted the heart you were transplanted with on October 20^th, 2011 as your own now. (I think I have. But I still, unfortunately, have moments of feeling unworthy and undeserving. They don't occur often so don't worry. I always talk about how I'm living two lives, but I wonder if I even am. I still have to write to her family.)

Now, I’m going to blab about my friends or people that I know of and care about. The people you really care about or consider to be good friends or close friends are as follows: Alley, Taylor, Cristian, Cali, DeAndre, Gee, Casey, Deepak (Tomy), Andy (male), Mikayla, Brittany, Libby, Sarah, Andy (female), Kaylee, Kasey, Cassy, Loganne, Jordan, Marie, Ashley L, Aarti, Ashley D, Lauren, Tianhui, Megan, Claire, Paul, Matthew, Elizabeth, Everly, Maddie, Callie, Julia, Chris, Hubert, Haley, Baylen, Alexa, Addison, Mari, Beth, Zach (squiggles), Kaira, Zach, Sidney, Morgan…and I’m sure there’s plenty more. I guess Sarah doesn’t quite belong in that list since she’s not at Sherando, but I’ll just keep her there. I didn’t put Anh or Andrew in that list since they’re not Sherando kids. I also didn’t put Abhinav in that list either, which I’ll explain in a little bit. The people I listed are really just people that I interact with a lot or have interacted with a lot during junior year. (Well, that's a huge list. You know what's funny? I'm not even close to some of those people anymore; also female Andy now goes by Annie, haha. Actually, I never truly was close to some of them. I won't say who's stayed on the list and who hasn't or who has made it onto the list. It was kind of childish to do, but it's interesting to see how things have changed.) 

I don’t really feel like explaining why all of the people listed above are important to me or why I care about them so much, but there’s some that I’d like to explain. For example, I’d like to explain Abhinav. He and I aren’t friends and probably won’t ever be, but he’s very special to me. He’s shown me a different perspective, one that I’m very happy to have discovered through him. He doesn’t know that though. To him, I’m probably just that creeper girl who asks him weird questions. There is truth to that though. I really do want to be his friend, but it’s not going to happen at this point. I initiated conversation far too late and haven’t said anything except for “hey” to him in person. I’d also like to explain Deepak (Tomy) a little bit too. I could probably write pages and pages about him, but I won’t. He’s very special to me also. I’m glad I met him. He’s provided a lot of emotional healing that I needed back in middle school. I feel no embarrassment in saying that he’s a wonderful person. He and Abhinav are two really amazing guys. I’m sad to see them leave Sherando, but it’s time for them to go. I won’t forget how they changed my life. My other friends are pretty self-explanatory if you know me. I would like to mention Casey briefly though. She’s just all around awesome and I’m so lucky to have her. I’ve also become closer to Alley and Taylor, which is very nice. I’ve finally leveled up in the friendship ranks. I’m too lazy to explain my other friends and it is pretty late now anyway; it’s past one in the morning.(AHHHH, so embarrassing. Yes, this is the embarrassing part. Oh well. The guys know I'm crazy anyhow. Honestly though, Deepak and Abhinav are both still important to me. The two of them come up in conversation with Casey and Aarti, but only every now and then. And we're usually laughing at them. If not that, then Casey is pairing Aarti and I off to them. Casey is crazy, but I love her.) 

Future self, how much have you changed? Have you become confident? Have you become a better person to yourself and others? Have you lost your innocent self entirely? Do you still have the same values as you used to? And most importantly, do you still feel the same way about all of the people you interacted with during junior year? Or have your friends changed? (Well junior me, I think I have changed. I'm not really that much more confident than I was a year ago, I'm sure, but it's a work in progress. I think I'm still just as harsh to myself as I was last year. I hope I'm a good person to others. What did you mean by losing your innocent self? o_o You're a weirdo, junior me. I guess I'm still sweet, but I'm very sassy. I'm more outspoken than I've ever been before. I think my values are pretty much the same. Sadly, no, I don't still feel the same way about the people I interacted with during junior year. I've kept all of the people who were/are extremely important to me though. I made a handful of new friends, strengthened old bonds, and even let a few slip away entirely. I can't keep everyone I love/have loved over these past four years. I vaguely remember Deepak and Abhinav's graduation speeches, but I remember how I felt. I have cared as much as I could.)  

I’ll see you in a year, future self. Let’s see how much you grow.(It's actually not a year later, since I wrote this on June 3rd, but close enough! I can't help but question if I've actually grown at all or if I've just become more immature. Guess it's a little bit of both!)

Fawzia Bhatty from junior year 

I kind of want to write a letter to myself about SU, but I think I will wait until after school starts to do that. I think I need to get a feel for it first. Besides, if I start writing that letter now, I'm going to end up blabbing about like two people, and that wouldn't be good. Bye for now!