Dragonfly Retreat #3

This past weekend, I attended Dragonfly's third teen retreat. Let me just say that it gets more amazing each year. I'm still surprised at how easy it is to reconnect with everyone. We spend so much time away from each other, but we fit together so effortlessly like puzzle pieces. We've also gotten really good at welcoming new people into the family.

We did so many different things this year. On Friday night, Derek, LeeAnn, and baby Emma kicked off our night with an introduction and silly (but fun) icebreaker. Most of our activities take place on Saturday. There was a scavenger hunt, which was absolutely crazy, but still a lot of fun. Come rain, sleet, hail, or snow, we always manage to get time to be outside. I went on the big swing (or the "Swing of Death" as it has been nicknamed) at least three times, if not more. The first time I rode with Becca^2. The second time I rode with Zoofy and Michelle. And the third time I rode with Kelly and Chelsea. And I chopped the rope each time. It was so much fun. I hope to increase my record next year. A group of us ventured off to the high ropes course, which I wholeheartedly passed on. I could barely get through it in dry conditions last year so I wasn't all that eager to try it in the rain. I also passed on the zipline because I didn't really feel like staying out and getting soaked for much longer. We all went to the guest house and had smoothies and kale chips. While we were there, we played a really fun game called "What's Yours Like?" At some point on Saturday, we went to art therapy and decorated pillows and drew in/on our own healing journals. We played the transplant edition of Jeopardy, and that got a little competitive. Earlier on in the day (on Saturday), Tanner, Sarang, and I led the "Risky Behaviors" session. If I'm being completely honest though, Sarang and Tanner did most of the work. Hunzallah was our prime example of what not to do. It was more conversational and casual, which was something that I think we all enjoyed. We also collectively discussed improvements that we can make for Dragonfly as a family and a team. (And if I'm being truly honest, it is going to take a lot of doing, but less so if we're all working together and helping each other out.) This morning, we played the transplant edition of the Game of Life, which was all thanks to Millie. (It was actually supposed to be my responsibility, but she picked my slack, which I'm both thankful and sorry for.) After that, we dispersed to either play in the gym or in the game room. I was going to play in the gym, but instead involved myself in conversation with Valerie, Tanner, and Becca, and later on Millie as well.

I keep thinking of what Becca said on Saturday night. She said that she knows when something isn't quite right with her because she's lost her spark. (I think it applies for her in a figurative and literal sense.) And if I'm being honest, I think I lost mine over this past semester of college, figuratively not literally. But it has returned and it'll stay for a while. I think I'm going to try a little bit harder to stay in touch with everyone, maybe even set up a video chat with a few people if we can.

I have a couple of regrets. My main regret is that I didn't take any pictures and refused to be in a lot of pictures, hahaha. That's relatively easy to remedy and I'll definitely be bugging everyone to take pictures with me next year. My second regret is that it's impossible to record and/or write down every funny thing that someone among us says or does. We had some pretty hilarious moments though, including "It must be something in the name" to the ranch dressing incident at dinner on Saturday night to Derek being hit on the head with a ping pong ball during Charlotte and Sarang's fierce ping pong game to the somewhat offbeat drum line this morning. There are so many moments that we share together and I wish I could capture all of them. I wish I could bottle them all up and let them free on my bad days.

Dragonfly means so much to me, so much that I don't know what I would have done with myself without it. I knew that there were other heart transplant recipients out there in the world, but I never knew that there were so many who were as young as I am. Before Dragonfly, I never knew about pulmonary hypertension. I'm glad that I'm more aware today than I was three years ago. It's a really nice change of pace to be with my Dragonfly family. I needed to get away from home and college and the retreat is always the perfect opportunity for that. I know that I can count on my Dragonfly family. Wherever I go, I know they're with me. And wherever they go, I'm with them. Nothing will ever change that. I love you all.

---------------------------------------
A few little things to add: 

-To Justine: We love and miss you so much. You are in our thoughts, prayers, and hearts. Your Dragonfly family will always be there for you. 

-To Bre, Darby, Missy, Rachel, and all those who have previously attended the teen retreat, but were unable to make it this year: We missed you so much and hope to see you next year.

-Also this weekend, we had the pleasure of celebrating for two people very near and dear to me. On Friday night, we wished Millie a very happy birthday. And last night, Saturday night, we congratulated Tanner on his fourth heartiversary. Much love to you both. Here's to many more years to come. 

-If you have the time, please visit the Dragonfly Heart Camp website (http://www.dragonflyheartcamp.org) and like the Facebook page (Dragonfly Heart Camp Inc.) If you'd like to make a donation to Dragonfly Heart Camp, you can do so through the website. Thank you for your support. 

Dragonfly Retreat #2

This past weekend I spent some time with a group of people that I regard as a second family, my Dragonfly family. It felt so nice to be back around people who understand what I've been through, what I go through, and what I will go through someday. It's actually really funny to me how well things worked out this year. At the end of the retreat last year, I honestly don't ever remember being extremely close to anyone. I mean, I really liked everyone, but I was still new and adjusting. I think it's true when they say that distance makes the heart grow fonder. As soon I met back up with my old friends from last year, we all just clicked right away. I definitely enjoyed my second year as a camper more than I did my first year just because familiarity was already established.

We did a lot of really amazing activities this year. I liked the activities better this year. We did yoga (which by the way has made me sore...I definitely don't use all of those muscles on a daily basis!), which was new this year. We also went ziplining and went on the giant swing. I went ziplining at the same time as Dr. Scheel. I went on the giant swing twice. The first time was with Bre and Tanner. The second time was with Dr. Scheel and Kelly. On the second time around, I pulled the blue rope to make us drop. I was so excited about doing that. The high ropes was new this year. Let me be the first to say that I'm all about adrenaline rushes, but high ropes are not my cup of tea. Unfortunately, I didn't realize that until after I got through it, but I'm still actually proud that I did it. High ropes aren't for everyone. Funnily enough, Darby loved the high ropes, but refused to go on the swing. To each their own. There was smoothie making and a little bit of winding down time after our adventures. And then we did karaoke of sorts, which was hilarious but it actually turned out being a lot of fun after we loosened up. The songs of the night, in my opinion, were "We Are Family," "Roar," "Blurred Lines," and "Gangnam Style." When "We Are Family" came on, pretty much everyone jumped up and let go. It was a really great Saturday and I hope we keep these activities because it's the activities that start to bring us together. Earlier this morning, we decorated little buckets and put a list of things we want to do in life inside of them. We essentially created bucket lists. (Except I didn't actually get the chance to make my list so I will get to that eventually. I thought it was definitely a cute and creative idea.)

Last year, I remember feeling sad because it seemed like mostly everyone knew each other and they did because they had all been going to camp together for years. I think it just started off with the CHOP kids and now other hospitals are joining in. I am really glad that I got the chance to go again. I got the chance to make new friends and reconnect with my old ones. I tried new things and had all sorts of crazy fun experiences. I really like being away from "normal" people and spending time with my Dragonfly family because they all know the single most important thing about me and they'll never treat me differently.

During the Dragonfly retreat, our souls were set free. They danced and sang and laughed. They hugged and comforted and loved. Most importantly though, they soared high into the sky, spread their wings, and flew.

We are organizers and planners who make the magic happen. We are living with transplants or pulmonary hypertension. We are stubborn fighters and lovers. We are Dragonfly and we are determined to make the best of our lives whether we are "normal" or not.

A Summer Sunset

Today I had the wonderful opportunity to have dinner at Tracy Fitzsimmon's (SU's president) house with other presidential scholars. And, as you can probably assume, I went to her house. Upon arrival, I was really awkward and shy/quiet. Of course, Tracy being who she is, had two returning presidential scholars go on a brief walk with a new presidential scholar. And I actually DID talk to the two returning presidential scholars that I happened to be paired with. With the help of Alex and Dorothy, I think I started to unwind a little bit. 

We all ventured inside of Tracy's house to go and have dinner. Now, she wanted us to NOT sit next to someone we had previously talked to. It was funny because Dorothy, Alex, and I sat at the same table. And I was extremely lucky because Silvino came to sit next to me. He's just someone who makes you smile and laugh for no reason. Chad, who is a biology and chemistry double major, sat on the other side of me. Garrett, who's also a freshman, was at the table with us; I remembered Garrett from the presidential scholar breakfast we had a few months ago. I think my table was the luckiest because we got Tracy. We managed a little bit of small talk. And today was one of the first times that I've been honest about how it feels to be a commuter. It does feel lonely, but maybe it won't always be that way. 

After dinner, we went upstairs to have dessert. Dessert was delicious. Apple pie and whatever the other thing was. So good. During dessert, I was being awkward again. Actually, up until this point, I was still being awkward. Thankfully, I was saved by Zack and Chad. This is when I discovered Chad's double major and also the trip to New York. Zack talked about his experience there when he had gone and it really sounded like such a good time. I mean, I've been to New York before, but I've never been sightseeing before so I'm looking forward to it. 

And the highlight of the night happened after dessert when we all went outside as a group. Some of us decided we wanted to feed the two horses; we fed the horses carrots and apples. It was a new experience and it was exciting. We were all just having a good time with each other. Silvino took a selfie with one of the horses; it was a good time. We all kind of dispersed after feeding the horses. Some people stayed by the fence and continued to talk, others were seen playing soccer, and the rest of us were just talking in small groups. I was in a group with Mirando, Kriti, Sapana and Tracy. It wasn't an extremely long conversation, but we all chimed in. Family, future, our majors, our lives. 

The sun was setting as it neared 8. A summer sunset. A moment of honest happiness. A feeling of hope for the future. A feeling of warmth and togetherness that I hadn't experienced in a group of so many people. And a curious wondering about whether or not these budding friendships will bloom and thrive. I'm still shy, but in this group of my own, I'm willing to try. I think the best part is that I don't have to fake it. It will take time, but next year I'd like to greet everyone with hugs. Just when I was unwinding, I had to leave. I surprised myself tonight. I didn't expect to have already fallen for them. Such different personalities, but all so kind at heart. I'm still iffy, but this is the first step in the right direction for me, I think.

You know those seemingly perfect scenes that sometimes happen in slice of life anime? That's what tonight felt like. The perfect sunset. 

I'm slowly remembering how to smile the way I used to. I'm remembering how to be me.

 

"I don't wanna lose you now"

She drove me home from school today. It was the very first time she's ever driven me anywhere of actual distance. We were talking comfortably on the way back to my house from Walgreens, where we stopped by briefly after the FBLA meeting ended. She told me about her interest in genealogy, said it gave her a sense of importance to document that people once existed, that she'd be visiting graveyards and taking pictures so people could find someone they're searching for. I was telling her that the three of us should hang out over the summer since he'll be home from college with nothing to do. She agreed to that and I know it's because she misses him like I do; he's always been one to genuinely listen for the most part. When she pulled into my driveway, we were talking about the future. We talked for a little while about our respective colleges (VT for her and SU for myself), our financial aid, scholarships, the cost of college, and about leaving high school. She took notice of how the front railing of the porch was taken away and of the slabs of brick laying on top of the dull gray. I told her that my father wanted to eventually sell the house so we could move. We stopped our conversation when my father got home. The green car was waiting a little ways before the driveway, almost as though he meant to park in the driveway and was waiting for her to move. He parked on the side, but she still decided to go then, probably out of embarrassment. I can't remember if I told her to drive safely, something I try to tell all of my friends as though it puts a protective spell over them. 

A little while later as I was working on a brown, green, and blue striped bracelet, I thought about what I didn't ask her, what I really wanted to know. Would she miss me? Would she try to stay in touch? I feel ridiculous for wondering, especially after all she and I have been through as friends. Some people would think me silly, but I just don't know what the future holds for us. Just like in the movie 'Stand and Deliver,' you can see the turn, but not the road. I can see the turn for both of us, but I don't see the road. I don't know if the road splits and intersects later or not. I know that I will let her spread her wings and fly, because I had to let him undergo the same process last year. And for being miles away, he didn't leave me like I once assumed he would. He stayed. With all the miles that will separate her and I, I can't help but wonder if she will stay. If they both will stay. Or if I will stay. It could go either way. For right now, I hope the three of us stay, just for a little while longer for my own selfishness.

"I don't wanna lose you now, I'm lookin' right at the other half of me" // "'Cause it's like you're my mirror, my mirror staring back at me" // "'Cause with your hand in my hand and a pocket full of soul I can tell you there's no place we couldn't go" - Mirrors by Justin Timberlake   

[While the song lyrics may not be relative to all of this, it played on her car radio. Plus, I like the song. And really, I don't want to lose her now, or him for that matter.]

An Eventful Weekend

Yes, I'm going to blab about my weekend. I'm too lazy to split up the days so this will be a pretty lengthy post. I'd also like to mention that I'm not writing this post at my own house. I'm at my father's friend's house right now since our Internet isn't working so I find this situation hilarious. Anyway, time to talk about my weekend. 

On Friday, my father and I left home to go to my eldest brother's house. As usual, we stopped by and ate at a Desi restaurant then headed over to my brother's house. I was dropped off at my brother's house. Shortly after, my sister came over. We ate dinner together. Our father showed up earlier than we thought he would. Not too long after he arrived, my brother's wife arrived at home as well. We all just kind of sat around and had some slight conversation. And then the storm came...the wind was extremely powerful. It made the house shake. I have to admit that I was afraid in the short amount of time that the wind was acting up. Fortunately for us, power didn't go out so YAY!

Saturday was the most eventful day of the entire weekend. My brother's in-laws came over since the power was out. Well, it was really only just his mother-in-law, brother-in-law, niece, and nephew who came over. A little bit after 3, we (my brother, my father, and I) went to Romana's house. Romana roomed with my sister in college so my family is fairly close to her. There were other people there as well. At the time that we showed up at, there were only girls there. I'm pretty sure that most of them, if not all of them, are Bengali, like Romana. So these Bengali people were talking about their two names and I muttered to Romana something along the lines of, "Pakistanis don't understand the two names thing." I meant that jokingly of course. All joking aside, Bengali people are really awesome. Seriously, they're really awesome.

After visiting Romana and eating some good food, we (my brother, my father, and I) went back to my brother's house to get ready for the wedding of a family friend's daughter. Her name is Amna. I realized on Saturday that I really love weddings, but I also really hate them. I love weddings because of the speeches, the food, the Desi music, and the fun. I hate weddings because I have to get dressed up and that annoys me. Sometimes, weddings can be really awkward too. I enjoyed Amna's wedding though. She married a Bengali guy, which I think is really funny and cute...don't ask me to explain that. I actually cried at her wedding during her brother's speech. I couldn't help it, it was so heartfelt. Although, while the earlier speeches were happening, my sister was making jokes and my brother, his wife, and I were laughing because of them. Weddings are always fun when I have my family with me. Going to weddings makes me want to get married and I have no clue why that is...

We arrived home before 12. I think we all went to sleep before 1. I was pretty tired after the wedding. I spent Sunday afternoon hanging out with my sister, my brother, his wife, and Ayyoob, my brother's nephew. (He wouldn't be considered my nephew, right?) It was an entertaining afternoon. I'm getting lazy now so I don't really feel like expanding on any of this. Ayyoob is cute. That's all you need to know.

Oh, I almost forgot to mention one of my highlights of the weekend. I had a nice chat with my brother's mother-in-law on Saturday before we left for the wedding. I got asked about my future. I told her that it's easy for me to just say that I want to be a doctor and that I don't even know where I want to go for college. I told her about what society expects from me since I'm Desi. She said it's different back home in India and Pakistan and that there are really only two career options: doctor or engineer. She spoke of how America is so different, how there are so many different options. The thing is that I'm not interested in much. Teaching is a definite no for me. Law is a no. You'd never catch me in politics. And I can't see myself as a writer. She told me that it's strictly my decision to decide where to go for college and what kind of a career I want to pursue. I guess that's where the problem sets in. I just don't know what I want. Some people have an idea of what they want and some people are indecisive like me. This is why I don't like planning for the future. 

I'm pretty sure I've forgotten to mention something important, but oh well. As you can see, my thoughts are scattered and don't flow too well. Not to mention, I'm far too lazy to say anything more in regards to how this Sunday has gone. Bye for now.