"I watched the world go round and round and see mine turning upside down"

Hello, friends. The word 'hello' looks weird to me today. It's been a long while since you've heard from me. I'll be back again shortly after this post to commemorate my five year transplant anniversary, but until then I'll leave you with how I've been.

I can't describe the past few weeks, or maybe month, as anything less than physically, emotionally, and mentally draining. In short, I've been something of a mess and it's starting to show in my academic performance and my general appearance and mood. I guess fall break couldn't come at a more appropriate time for me. I hope I can recompose myself to a better version of myself.

Happiness has been in and out of my reaches lately. And it's been a little lonely as far as my social life goes. I don't have much of one anymore--everyone is too busy, I feel really out of place and disconnected, and I'm too tired to do anything. I spend much of my free time with my professors and with a few friendly familiar faces in HLSB and that's about it. I guess that makes me kind of lame, but I take what kindness, humor, and love I can get.

I took my modern physics midterm exam today...or at least semi-tried to. I feel bad for Dr. Bly because he has to try to make sense out of my nonsense. You might be thinking that I'm being too hard on myself, but I promise that I'm not. All of my answers were complete rubbish. I wasn't prepared enough and it's obvious that I didn't learn anything in the past several weeks even though I should have. But I guess that's the price you pay when you jump off a cliff and try to build your wings on the way down. The worst part is how anxious I've been leading up to this midterm and knowing that it's not going to be okay. I used to think that any one of my chemistry classes was my match, but I was wrong. I've met my match and it's irrefutably physics and always will be. Dark, complicated, beautiful physics.

I'm still nowhere close to figuring out what to do after graduation. A lot of people tell me that it's okay, but that's hard to believe. I'm 21 and I don't have a clue. I used to think that I'd be that type of person who just goes to school for the rest of their life, but I'm not sure I could survive that much schooling.

Yesterday, I asked Dr. Haubrick why everyone believes in me except for me and she told me something along the lines of this: "Fawzia's biggest critic is Fawzia." I told Dr. Cantwell today that I think people overestimate me and she basically told me that they (the professors) are right in the way they perceive me, meaning that it's time for me to change the way I think of myself. I want to believe them so badly, but I just can't get my brain on board. And I really can't get it on board after that physics midterm. That's just not going to happen. I've become really great at disappointing lately.

I've been listening to Genesis a lot lately and went through a brief phase of listening to Sting and The Police. I think it's been helping to keep me in check...either that or it's been contributing to my overall gloominess. And I can't tell which it is today because today has been rough.

Sorry 'bout that. I sound too negative, I know. I know it doesn't sound like I am trying, but I am. I am trying. I'm just tired. Forgive me for the stream of negativity that has become this blog post. I'm just tired.

Sunset/Sunrise

The summer sun that I despise so much is about to set at last. It's the moment I wait for every summer and yet I don't wish to see this summer leave me. And there's one reason why I don't want this summer to end. That reason is that I've finally met all of my cousins, with the exception of one. It was a breath of fresh air to meet them, to get to know them, to finally be able to love them for all that they are. They went home yesterday morning and if I hadn't had to go to work, I would have cried so hard. But for every sunset, there is sure to be a sunrise.

Classes/labs are starting on Monday and while I'm not necessarily looking forward to being stressed out on a daily basis or having to attend classes/labs, I am grateful for the routine and structure that classes/labs will provide. I have a feeling that this semester, and the entire academic year, will be very different from the past two years. And I haven't yet ascertained whether or not the difference will be relatively positive or relatively negatively. I guess I have to wait for the sunrise on Monday to really know what it's going to be like this year.

The End of an Era

It's hard to believe that sophomore year is over now, that I'm a junior in college and I still have no idea what I want to do in life. It feels like a lot has changed over the past two years and then almost nothing at all, but I think that's because I haven't made much progress towards any of my goals. I've always been slower than everyone else, I think it's one of my fatal flaws among other things.

Sophomore year of college, Alice says it's the most difficult year of college. I don't think I can say that she's right or wrong just yet, but I do understand why she said that. First semester of sophomore year was pure agony with regards to classes. Three science classes with labs and two gen eds wasn't the best idea. But the first semester was also a lot of fun because I actually did things like going to an apple orchard with friends, seeing shows featuring the ever so talented folks of the conservatory, and sleeping over in Anne and Osinachi's room. First semester was the conference room era, the intense study sessions together...or maybe not so intense because I remember goofing off a lot. It was when I was in the UI almost every single day without fail, including the weekends too. Second semester was very different from that. Our schedules stopped coincided the way they used. I had a smaller load of classes and classwork to worry about and yet it seemed like I was much busier. As stressful as a full schedule is, I think it prompts you to make time for doing fun stuff rather than just happening upon it like this semester. But there was still a lot of good that came out of this semester: me starting to watch Parks and Rec, having my first frappuccino with Lila and Kyle as my witnesses, and pretty much all of Apple Blossom weekend. This semester was the end of an era. Sounds weird saying that now even though I'm only halfway through college, but it's true in a way because of who I'm losing and who I'm gaining and all of the changes that are going to settle into place in the fall. To my three dear friends who are moving on, Leesun, Kyle, and Lila, I wish you the best of luck and I will see you later--although, I really hope that later comes a lot sooner than when I think it will. And to my dear Symone, it's so wonderful to have you back.

I will miss sophomore year for a lot of reasons. There are a lot of good memories that I'm taking away from this academic year. I only hope that junior year is just as much fun.

Change

Today was Admitted Freshman Day and I had the great honor to be a part of one of the programs. But before I talk about how that went, allow me to take you back almost two years ago when I was still in high school and nearly 18 years old. Ready? Here we go:

Friday, April 12th, 2013-Admitted Freshman Day

Today was Admitted Freshmen Day at SU. I went to the breakfast for the Presidential Scholarship recipients. It was nice for the most part, but I still don't understand how I'm going to become close to these people, much less the other incoming students. Honestly, I don't know why I was chosen when I haven't accomplished anything. Anyway, after breakfast, we ventured to one of the auditoriums for the FYS presentation, which completely captivated me. I felt myself falling for SU. I loved the entire presentation. I fell in love with Dr. PG, Ting Yu, and Maher instantly. They made me want to believe that SU is where I belong. After that, we went to hear about our own separate areas. Mine was the College of Arts and Sciences with Dean Allen. We were separated into our majors so I was lumped in with the rest of the chem majors. Like before, I fell in love with the chem professor (The chem professor that I am referring to is Professor Lake, who I sadly did not get the chance to have) who showed us around and spoke to us. He was so knowledgeable and good natured. He had very kind eyes. After that, we went to lunch. And after lunch came the presentation on Student Life. This is where I felt myself shrinking back. I felt depressed. I won't be on campus so I'm not going to have a life. (It's true, you don't have a life, but it's not because you don't live on campus. It's because you're a double major in biology and chemistry) I don't see myself making friends. (But you did make friends!)

I want to accept SU, but I'm really afraid. I don't want to go through the process of having to open up again. I hate that process. (You got through it just fine) I want to fit right in at SU and have everyone love me at an instant. But I don't see that happening. I won't make friends easily. I'm already nervous about the fact that the other Pres Scholars and myself will go over to Tracy's for dinner or so I've heard anyway. That worries me. (It ended up being so much fun though. You shouldn't have worried!) I like people, but it's so hard to be social. It's so hard to be confident when you know you're not talented. I don't even have a knack for anything. (Give yourself time, you're a work in progress) I'm way in over my head. People won't want to have anything to do with me. I can't relate to the other students or so I feel. I feel like I have a better shot with the professors. (You're silly, you've made lots of friends. But you are on pretty good terms with some of the professors too) I don't know what I'm doing anymore. (I hate to say it, but you still don't know what you're doing and that's okay!) Of all places, I never thought I'd go to a private university. The place seems and feels so loving, but I'm afraid to take a chance. I want to make friends and be the best student that I can be, but it's just hard. (It wasn't so bad. You did it!) 

Welcome back to the present! I sounded like a typical teenager, right? I still can't break away from sounding that way even though I'm nearly 20 now. It's remarkable how a lot can change in two years. Today, I had the chance to speak to the admitted freshman about my moment at SU. If I'm being honest, I think I messed it up. I don't think I expressed myself as well as I could have in comparison to everyone else who spoke. Everyone else had something to their names, something amazing about them, whether they were active in organizations across campus or had the chance to go somewhere amazing. And me? Well, Dr. Kite did tell me that's it okay to be plain, not that I am. Anyway, I think I will start over and try again. This is what I wanted to say: 

Hi, I'm Fawzia. I'm a sophomore biology/chemistry double major. I'm a little crazy. I was born in Winchester and have lived in the area my whole life. And I initially didn't like being at SU. I resented being here as a commuter. I always wanted to get away for college. I was nervous about making friends and felt lonely and left out at first. But things picked up speed as time went on. I met Silvino, the first person from SU that made me feel like someone cared. Things eventually spiraled from there. I made friends. I became more outgoing. I started to feel like I had a place at SU. I don't have a particular defining moment at SU because I've had so many. For as many sad/angry/bad moments I've had (and I've had a lot), there have been a 100 more full of laughter and love...and awkwardness. I guess what I really want to say is that it's okay to be nervous, to be a little afraid. Maybe you're like me and you don't see how you'll make friends, but you definitely will. Someone will reach out to you...probably Silvino. You're going to be just fine. 

Still, I'm glad I had the opportunity to speak to students today even if I don't think I got my point across. At least they all know that I love Silvino! That's pretty sufficient in and of itself actually! It was a lot of fun to be there and hear about other people's moments. You never know what to expect from people. 

SU isn't for everyone, I understand that. I've had my moments of doubt and will have more in the future, but I always seem to be reminded, whether it's by a friend, classmate, professor, etc., that SU is the right place for me. Yes, there are things that could be better, like there is at any other college or university, but I can live with those things because it's the people that really matter to me. I don't know what it's like to be at a bigger university. I don't know if there's the same feeling of a close knit community or if the professors visibly care about their students. That's why I like SU. Two years later and I can say that the community is strong and people really do care. And I'm pretty content. 

Reevaluating

I've been watching too much of House, M.D. again. I know that I am because I'm reconsidering in the back of my mind. I'm still as unsure now as I've always been about what I want to do in life, who I want to be, and the like. When I was younger, it was easier to tell people that I was going to be a doctor so that I could help people. It wasn't a lie or mere convenience, it was the honest truth at the time. Back then, I had no perceptions about careers of any sort. Now that I'm older, I know better. I'm never going to be House, which is a relief and a tragedy at the same time. The TV shows exaggerate everything, but the paperwork and hours. 

I wonder what it's like to be someone who knows exactly what they want to do in life and how to get there. A few of my friends have gotten to that point and I'm happy for them. But I feel alone, like I'm being left behind. Osinachi once told me that I shouldn't settle for something just because I don't mind it. She said that I should feel passionate about what I'm studying, have some kind of emotional investment in it, but I'm indifferent to it all. I feel like I'm mindlessly studying for a nonexistent future. No, I don't mean that in the morbid sense. Any passion that I have for a subject comes from others, except for microbiology. Yeah, lectures weren't the most thrilling and I did have a handful of bad days in lab. The surprising part was that I wasn't entirely incompetent in microbiology lab like I was in every other science lab I had been in up until that point, including the ones I was taking at the time. Or maybe I was just as incompetent but didn't notice because I had fun. Fun. 

Getting back to my point now, I stumbled upon was inspired by House and as a result I looked up 'phlebotomist.' It led me to a website full of health professions. If only I could be a phlebotomist. I'm too shaky though. I don't know if it's a side effect of the medications or not, but it's the only logical explanation I can think of. I think everyone else around me must believe that I get extremely nervous in labs or something. Labs can be crazy and intimidating, but it's not why I shake. I'm honestly not that nervous. It's a little unfair because then everyone thinks you're an incapable fool. (Or at least that's what I think people are thinking of me.) Anyway, other careers that sounded interesting to me: blood bank technologist, clinical lab tech, perfusionist, and pathologist. (I guess blood is a commonality between all five in one way or another.) I'm still not sure why I'm a chemistry major. If there was ever a calling for me, it's probably in biology not chemistry. I know that much about myself, but I've been through too much chemistry to back out now. I wanted to believe that if I took enough chemistry classes that I would find my niche, but I don't think I will. Somehow I have a very strong feeling that biochemistry and physical chemistry aren't going to suddenly produce some emotion in me. I won't get back the past two years of college, but I can still try to fix this. 

"And we'll all float on okay"

And so another semester comes to a close. In short, it's over and somehow I survived.

I'm supposed to reflect about how this semester went, but I'm at a loss for words. What do I say? What am I supposed to say? I wonder how I was able to reflect at all last year. I suppose it was easier back then since I was in the process of accepting my place at SU. I'm just going to start typing and see where this goes...

Well, classes definitely kicked my butt. Again. I don't really want to talk about that though. I'll get upset. I've never been so aware of my heart beating inside of me until this week. I was thinking agonizing over Ochem and my heart took off. No other class will cause me such grief or make me hate myself more than I already do. This is a fact. I've honestly never felt more defeated by a class. A lack of confidence can cost you everything. And so the cycle continues.

Anyway, I guess this semester was pretty intense. I've never been so aware of my feelings before. I wasn't happy on most days and I know that it was hard for my friends to deal with. When I'm sad and/or upset, I become very irritable and snappy to the point of rudeness. You either get that or the extremely hysterical side of me, which usually ends up being a mixed bag. I kind of walk around with rain clouds hovering over my head. The rain on your parade? Yeah, that's probably me, sorry about that. In all seriousness though, if any of my SU friends are reading right now, I want to apologize for my behavior. I haven't been good to you guys this whole entire semester and nothing I say can erase or mend that. Break has been much needed for all of us. I'm going to spend break working on myself so that I can be a better person to you guys when you come back.

This was an interesting semester just in regards to who I spent my time around. I sort of became Anne and Osinachi's third roommate, oops. I had the great pleasure of spending a few nights with them. I saw the same group of people almost everyday, which was nice but also very draining after a while. I was really good about making sure I spent time with all of my friends at the beginning of the semester, but then I let my classes swallow me whole. That's definitely the other thing I'm going to work on when classes start up again: balancing my social life, or eliminating it altogether. Who knows how this upcoming semester will go?

All in all though, besides the disappointment and stress of finals AND my emotional instability, it was a pretty good semester. Normally I'd say that I'm looking forward to next semester, but I think I'm just going to enjoy break. I've got a lot of shows to watch and a lot of walks to go on.

Note: The title of this blog post was taken from "Float On" by Modest Mouse

Break

I know it's been a long time since I last blogged. College is the reason for that. Truthfully, freshman year is a joke compared to sophomore year. My free time has been cut in half since last year. Three science classes is nothing to be taken lightly. Everyone is busier than ever and I don't see some people as often as I used to, partly because of the workload from classes and partly because I'm probably not making the effort. I guess things have changed a little. 

I've definitely been down a lot more as of recently than I've been happy. I don't know what reasons, or excuses, I can give to explain myself so I won't bother with trying to give any. I think that at the same time while I've been brooding, everyone else has been struggling too. Love, friendship, academics, sanity. And in all of my sulking, I haven't been as good to everyone else as they have been to me. I think my own growth has been hindered by the way I've been behaving. 

I suppose I should mention that it's Fall Break right now. Yesterday, I found myself agonizing over my organic chemistry exam to the point where it kind of just made me really sad. I had the chance to see my exam and I really want to kick myself for missing so many easy questions, all of those silly mistakes I made cost me a lot. And so I know that I didn't get an A, but it eats away at me that I probably (hopefully) got a B. After I found out about my exam, I went to sit in BSC and I got to talk Alice before I left. She told me that I wasn't allowed to be productive when I got home so I didn't do anything. I took a nap, tried to watch something, and just let go of school. The conversation that I had with her was one that I was thankful for because it came at the right time. The words that she said were words that I needed to hear. If you keep poking at where it hurts, it's just going to hurt more. Stop poking where it hurts and let it heal. 

In other news, my heartiversary is in 9 days. I hope Monday is a good day. Also, Peggy said that I can be a bone marrow donor. I think I'm going to reconfirm, but I'm excited about that. 

Freshman Year Concludes

I feel cold. I'm sitting by a window so that's to be expected, I guess. Hard to believe that it's supposed to be in the 80's this week. This is my obligatory end of my freshman year of college post. So much has happened in the span of two academic semesters, good and bad. This past week has been rather sad, probably because everyone is leaving. Everyone leaving SU means that everyone who is away will be coming home or is already home though so there is a bright side. 

I've come a long way since the beginning of the year. I hated SU the first few weeks because I felt so alone, but things got better. I made friends throughout the year and those friendships have grown strong. They aren't equivalent to the ones that I have with my friends here at home, but I think they could get there someday. We're still growing after all. We've had some rough patches and there are things that we're still going through, but hand in hand we'll get through all of it. And I won't give up on making things better. 

As far as grades are concerned, I'd love to have all A's this semester. However, I think it's a bit unlikely, which is kind of upsetting. I can't continue being so hard on myself just because I don't get an A in a class. College is a learning experience, but not in terms of the information that we learn. It's a time for us to discover/reinvent ourselves and create bonds with people. Sure, we learn important skills along the way, but the most important things we learn are not necessarily related to academics. I genuinely believe that to be true. 

Here's to the future semesters that will be filled with joy, confusion, sadness, fear, nuisances, and love. I'm ready to start again. 

Brain Dump

Sometimes, I think I'm the most fortunate person ever. Never mind the celebrities and millionaires, I got dealt a pretty good life. But my feelings about life are flexible, always changing. I can go from feeling very content with life to wishing I never existed in a matter of seconds. Life is a really painful, but beautiful journey.

Recently, I thought about the teachers and professors that have helped me and shaped me along the way. I wrote something off of those thoughts. In each paragraph that I wrote, I gave a brief background of what was happening or had happened in my life. At the end of each paragraph, I wrote how they have helped. Seven completely different individuals and still counting. In fact, I was thinking that I probably unintentionally left out someone who is very near and dear to my heart so let me make that eight instead of seven. Sometimes, it's not my family or my friends that make me feel so alive. As strange as it may sound, I've really enjoyed being around my teachers and professors (Not all of them, of course, just a select few.) I love having conversations with them, because it's different. I can be a different kind of myself with them. The truest version of who I am and who I want to be, I think, gets expressed the best when I'm with my professors.

Like I said earlier though, life isn't all peaches and cream. Even when there are so many people in the world who love you, sometimes you just don't want to exist. Sometimes you think that you're a mistake and/or that you're not worth it. Sometimes you want to run away and/or throw away your current life. Sometimes you want to escape and/or start over. And I think it's okay to feel all of those things. I've been there and back through all of them. When I was younger, I always wanted to run away, but I can't really remember why. Now that I'm older though, I think escape is more accurate. I've always wanted to get away, but it's so hard to tear out your own roots because life gets in the way sometimes. I never wanted to go to SU because I wanted to leave Winchester and Stephens City behind. I love my city and town, but I'm afraid that I might never leave. I love it here, I do, but I need the chance to breathe. Here, in Winchester, in Stephens City, this is where most of my hurts take root, this is where they live and thrive. There are too many memories here and it's overwhelming because I remember bits and pieces of the past wherever I go. It's happening at SU too. I love SU and the people who go there and work there. But after I graduate, I'd like to go somewhere else. I'd like to be in another state, a completely different place where I have to learn on my own.

"These are the scars deep in your heart
This is the place you were born
This is the hole where most of your soul comes ripping out
From the places you've been torn" 
-"Always" by Switchfoot

Embers

Hello there, how are you? I'm doing fairly well. I haven't blogged in quite some time due to life and college and stress and other things of that nature. Last week was spring break and it was absolutely wonderful to be off and not have so much to worry about with regards to homework and studying and going to class. However, this week has probably been the most stressful week of all out of the whole semester so far. A lot of my friends and I have been really high-strung and uptight lately, which is mostly due to a biology project that we're required to present. Speaking of which, I think I messed up my group's performance and probably brought it down because I stumbled and went blank. I'm so glad I decided to make note cards and take them up with me. Before the presentation, I think I was feigning confidence and not being nervous. As soon as it was my turn to speak, I completely lost it for whatever reason. I got through it though and so did my group. I don't feel so guilty, but there is a very slight tinge because I think I was the big problem. But honestly, I don't care because I did what I had to do. I'm not going to sit here and beat myself up over it. As soon as it was done, I left it in the time that it happened. It's in the past now. I realize that the time of the presentation and the overall performance won't matter in the future. It's not going to matter when I'm graduating college.

My Wednesday wasn't destroyed by that presentation though. I saw Gee and everything was just how it should be. Brittany and I caught up with her and filled her in on the gaps. So much time has passed and our lives are really so different, but we're the same with each other as we've always been. A stable friendship, I think it can be called. A stable friendship that I'm glad to have.

And for the rest of the day, I spent my time in one of my favorite ways. I spent it with my friends, talking and laughing, trying to reassure them. I've realized that we've all come so far. Our friendships aren't perfect, nor should they be, but we're making them best of our time together. Trials and tribulations will take place, but I know that we're a strong bunch and that we'll fight against whatever comes our way. We may not always be together, but we're with each other in spirit and reminding each other to keep our heads up.

Note: Here's my nod to the title! The title of this post is Embers, which is a song by Owl City. And for everything that's happened recently, I thought it was fitting. Right now, everyone is fighting their way through college. Whether we realize it or not, we're doing it together. And no matter how many awful days or times that there are, we'll make it to the end of the day. And we'll be shining like the stars that we are. And it will always get better.

First Semester Reflection

As of yesterday, my first semester as a college freshman ended. Honestly, it's been so surreal. The past couple of months have been so unreal. I can't believe that I won't be waking up early on Monday for class.

I wish I could go back to August and tell myself that it would all turn out just fine. I vaguely remember how I was in the beginning. I was bitter and lonely. I was awkward too, but that doesn't count since I'm always awkward. I'm sitting here trying to think back that far. Those first couple of weeks...I didn't really have anyone. But then something good happened, my awkward self went to Tracy's house for dinner. My awkward self had an awkward good time. And because of that awkward good time, I met people who I now consider to be friends. That's when I met Silvino, who is not only a friend, but also one of the reasons why I have friends. It's kind of funny actually because Silvino ended up being a catalyst for me. My willingness to open up is something that I partly attribute to him. Things slowly began to unwind after he'd continuously acknowledge me and I felt myself becoming more comfortable with being at SU. And eventually, I started to love SU. And the various people that I interacted with frequently soon became people worth holding onto, friends. I think this goes without saying, but I'm really grateful for the new friends I've made.

I think I'm supposed to probably say something about how classes went, right? In an overall sense, they went well. Some classes were definitely a lot better than others, that's for sure. Sometimes classes seem like they are going to be a lot of fun, but then they turn out to be boring and kind of pointless. That did happen. In the same line of thought, sometimes classes seem like they are going to be super difficult or stressful, but they turn out to be pretty chill. Eh, I guess for the last one I should have said lab, ah whatever. And as always, some professors turn out to be better than others. I'm kind of in love with about half of the science professors at SU. Not even slightly ashamed to admit that, because they're so awesome. At this point in time, I'm anxiously waiting for my grades...and eagerly awaiting the start of the second semester because I need human contact.

At first glance, what appeared to be a cruel twist of fate on that August day blossomed into a beautiful blessing. In short, it's been a bittersweet first semester. There are days that I already miss and wish to relive again, BUT there are so many wonderful days that are yet to come and I'm looking forward to them.

Below is the song I listened to while writing this post. Scottish Gaelic is so pretty. ♥

"Normal"

When did this become my "normal"? And by this, I'm referring to college. I can't pinpoint the moment when it happened. How did I come to this level of acceptance? 

Once upon a time ago, my "normal" was high school. Those hallways that I once knew so well are being replaced; I'll always know my way around Sherando, but I never thought I'd figure out my way around SU. The people I saw each day or every other day, they're not the same anymore (with the exception of one person). And me, I'm falling into place somehow. SU is becoming my "normal" now.

Suddenly, I've started to look forward to seeing people at SU. I look forward to their kindness, their smiles, their laughter, their voices. I look forward to being around them and spending time with them, even if it's just because we have a class/lab together. I look forward to conversing with them, learning about them. I look forward to someday becoming friends with some of them rather than just being acquaintances or classmates/labmates.

If you can't bring yourself to love the place you are at, bring yourself to love the people and you'll begin to love the place too. I'll be honest. I've started falling for these people who are around me. And as time passes, I hope I can finally get to the point where I can wholeheartedly say that I love SU as well. For now, I'm learning to love it, but I need a little bit more time before I can say it to myself and believe it. And maybe someday I'll love walking to HHH, but probably not.

A Summer Sunset

Today I had the wonderful opportunity to have dinner at Tracy Fitzsimmon's (SU's president) house with other presidential scholars. And, as you can probably assume, I went to her house. Upon arrival, I was really awkward and shy/quiet. Of course, Tracy being who she is, had two returning presidential scholars go on a brief walk with a new presidential scholar. And I actually DID talk to the two returning presidential scholars that I happened to be paired with. With the help of Alex and Dorothy, I think I started to unwind a little bit. 

We all ventured inside of Tracy's house to go and have dinner. Now, she wanted us to NOT sit next to someone we had previously talked to. It was funny because Dorothy, Alex, and I sat at the same table. And I was extremely lucky because Silvino came to sit next to me. He's just someone who makes you smile and laugh for no reason. Chad, who is a biology and chemistry double major, sat on the other side of me. Garrett, who's also a freshman, was at the table with us; I remembered Garrett from the presidential scholar breakfast we had a few months ago. I think my table was the luckiest because we got Tracy. We managed a little bit of small talk. And today was one of the first times that I've been honest about how it feels to be a commuter. It does feel lonely, but maybe it won't always be that way. 

After dinner, we went upstairs to have dessert. Dessert was delicious. Apple pie and whatever the other thing was. So good. During dessert, I was being awkward again. Actually, up until this point, I was still being awkward. Thankfully, I was saved by Zack and Chad. This is when I discovered Chad's double major and also the trip to New York. Zack talked about his experience there when he had gone and it really sounded like such a good time. I mean, I've been to New York before, but I've never been sightseeing before so I'm looking forward to it. 

And the highlight of the night happened after dessert when we all went outside as a group. Some of us decided we wanted to feed the two horses; we fed the horses carrots and apples. It was a new experience and it was exciting. We were all just having a good time with each other. Silvino took a selfie with one of the horses; it was a good time. We all kind of dispersed after feeding the horses. Some people stayed by the fence and continued to talk, others were seen playing soccer, and the rest of us were just talking in small groups. I was in a group with Mirando, Kriti, Sapana and Tracy. It wasn't an extremely long conversation, but we all chimed in. Family, future, our majors, our lives. 

The sun was setting as it neared 8. A summer sunset. A moment of honest happiness. A feeling of hope for the future. A feeling of warmth and togetherness that I hadn't experienced in a group of so many people. And a curious wondering about whether or not these budding friendships will bloom and thrive. I'm still shy, but in this group of my own, I'm willing to try. I think the best part is that I don't have to fake it. It will take time, but next year I'd like to greet everyone with hugs. Just when I was unwinding, I had to leave. I surprised myself tonight. I didn't expect to have already fallen for them. Such different personalities, but all so kind at heart. I'm still iffy, but this is the first step in the right direction for me, I think.

You know those seemingly perfect scenes that sometimes happen in slice of life anime? That's what tonight felt like. The perfect sunset. 

I'm slowly remembering how to smile the way I used to. I'm remembering how to be me.

 

The First Week of College

Well, I've successfully survived my first week of college as a freshman. A freshman commuter student, I should add. And I will be honest, it wasn't half as terrible as I'd expected it to be. In keeping with honesty though, it wasn't particularly full of rainbows and sunshine either. I don't want anyone to think that I'm denouncing my college, because I'm not. College is different for everyone. And I know that I sound really pessimistic (because I kind of am), but there were some good moments that occurred in the week. Now, let's see how much I remember, shall we?

Monday. First day of classes. Four classes. Three of the four classes in a row. First class of the day was/is statistics. The first class wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. My professor is out for the semester so a different professor is teaching the course. He's sarcastic, I like that. He basically spent the whole first class telling us that we have to major in something meaningful, in something that will allow us to be able to get a job after college. My second class was/is biology. I was really surprised when I got to the room because it seemed like all the seats were taken. I located the first open seat I saw and hesitantly went to sit down. I sat next to a guy named Ansel, and across from him sitting in a seat against the wall was a guy named Evan. (I told myself I wasn't going to use names, but I figured it's fine since they'll never read this.) They're both sophomores, and they seem nice. My third class was/is Spanish and I was dreading it. I was really nervous, because it's an intermediate Spanish class. I actually thought I was the only freshman in the class, but I have since then discovered that there is another freshman besides myself and that is a great relief to me. Break in between for lunch. Did we go to the Dining Hall that day, Brittany? I think we did. First year seminar after that. Goofy/awkward introductions, but not bad. And then.....HOME FREE...because I didn't go to work.

That was my Monday. No, I'm not going to talk about the rest of the week in that format so you can relax. On Tuesdays, I only have chemistry. Tuesday was the first day I went to work. It was also the day I met Donna and Sherry. They're a lot of fun to be around and I really like them. I have to watch The Big Bang Theory for them. Wednesday was my worst day. It was rainy and I made the grave mistake of wearing black flats and white socks. My shoes and socks got soaked. I went home to remedy that situation and came back to school only to be stuck there for at least 7 hours straight. On Wednesdays, I have the same classes that I have on Mondays with the addition of chem lab at 7, which really sucks. I went into work on Wednesday a bit later than I should have because I really hit it off with Liz, one of my FYS mentors. And for the first time at SU, it felt like someone understood my perspective and how I felt. On Thursdays, I have chem in the morning and bio lab at 3:30. I feel the opposite of intelligent in bio lab. On the upside, I met another sophomore. Her name is Annie and she's also in my biology class. And my Fridays are just the same as my Mondays. Carolyn showed me the ropes at work on Friday, which was really nice. I saw Allie in her cubicle and it made me happy.

So, how do I feel about my classes/labs after my first week? I feel okay. I'm not as nervous about Spanish anymore. I feel like it's possible to survive the class. I'm still not thrilled about my two labs. Statistics is super boring and I'm amazed that I didn't fall asleep in class on Wednesday or Friday. Biology will be just fine, I'm sure. And chemistry won't be so bad either. I mean, it's really hard to sit there and be annoyed because Dr. Ca just makes you perk up. FYS will probably be fine as well.

How do I feel in general? Still a bit left out and alone. I don't have any new friends, but that's okay. I still have friends, it's just that most of them aren't here with me. I guess I'll make new friends eventually. For now though, I suppose I'm just fine on my own.

It Begins Tomorrow

At long last, it begins tomorrow. What is 'it' you might ask? College. Or more accurately, college classes. Tomorrow is also the start of early waking, which I'm not really looking forward to.

I've had a really hard time dealing with how I feel about college. I've gone back and forth between being really pessimistic and slightly optimistic. Honestly, I'm trying to be indifferent about it. I'm trying to not have expectations, but it hasn't really worked. What can I say? Life as a commuter feels rough. It's going to be different.

My last day of summer is today. I haven't done anything productive. I have so much left to do in order to prepare for tomorrow. I still have to ready my bookbag with my books, binders, paper, pencils, electronics, and so on. I still have to pick out what to wear tomorrow...yes, I am one of those people. I've got laundry to do and two letters to write. 

I wonder if college will change me. I've already felt myself changing ever so slightly. The ability to goof off, be sarcastic and sassy, I'm losing it. Looking back though, it took some time for that kind of me to surface. I'm quieter now than I used to be a few months ago, restless too. Maybe a bit sadder too, but that's my own doing. It reminds me of how I was during my junior year when I returned to school. I guess I'll perk up once I have a set routine.

I just hope I can handle my workload. Stress, I welcome you back into my life once again.