Mentioning of Dreams, a False Achievement, and a Dissection

I had a strange dream last night. All of my dreams are so strange. Then again, who doesn't have strange dreams? I can hardly remember what happened in the dream now, all I know is that it was weird. I only consider my dreams to be odd because of the people who appear in them. 

This information is irrelevant, but according to my dreams I have a crush on a guy that I know of but don't personally know; that was another dream altogether. For the first time ever, I had a dream in which I was bleeding; again, this is NOT the dream I mentioned in the very beginning but I feel like sharing part of it. An old friend from my middle school years had stabbed (I don't want to use this word, but I can't think of anything else better at the moment) my middle finger, my index finger, and my thumb with a knife (actually poke is more of an accurate word); my thumb bled and I wiped the blood on his face and shirt. Weird stuff.

I like my dreams though, for the most part anyway. Dreams are a whole other world where anything is possible. Even if I stop seeing people in person, I can meet them in my dreams. I can't meet them by choice, but the right people are always shown or mentioned for each and every dream that I've had and remember.

Time to talk about what happened in school. I really feel the need to mention this because it bothers me so much. Today, I found myself in the auditorium walking up to the stage to accept an award for outstanding student in U.S. History from Mrs. Andrews. When I shook her hand, it felt all wrong. I did nothing to deserve that award. I want to appreciate the fact that I got the award but I can't. Sadly, I'm not passionate about history. I'd like to be but I'm just not. I don't understand why I received that award, all I know is that I am undeserving of it. I hope that I can learn to be passionate about history someday. I'm not a history girl, but I'd like for that to change just a bit. 

The most exciting part of today was anatomy. Big surprise, right? We got the chance to dissect fetal pigs. It was really cool and actually made sense. The fetal pigs were bigger than I expected them to be, I thought they'd be a lot smaller than they actually were. I had the honor of touching the heart, the liver, and one of the lungs. I also got to poke the brain. Those piggies have huge lungs. The liver was a remarkable size too. I think it's bizarre how excited I was during the dissection. Dissections almost seem cruel. It's as if it's some form of entertainment and enjoyment for us. I won't lie, I do enjoy dissections. I don't care if that makes me seem cruel, it's all to satisfy my curiosity and love for science. Dissections amaze me. I can't wait until I get to dissect a cat!

Side Notes:

- Maybe I'll share one of my crazy dreams one of these days 

- I love Billy Andrews! (Yes, I call him Billy. I picked up that habit from my sister.)
- R.I.P. Babe and George

Wants and Dreams

I've been thinking a lot recently about what I want in life. I've realized that while I don't have a real future mapped out for myself or anything along the lines of that, there's still much that I want to try, to learn, to accomplish, to feel, to make, etc. Ready to hear this long list? Err, I mean see...ready to see this long list?

What I want/dream of for myself:

- Confidence, to believe in who I am

- Independence, to do things on my own without having someone by my side every second

- To feel every emotion that I can, not just happiness and sadness

- To look back on all the fun times I've had and be able to smile instead of crying my eyes out

- To have no regrets or very few if I do at all

- To accept the gift that was given to me and understand that it is mine now (thanks to a few special people, I'm well on my way to fully accepting it)

- To be more understanding of others and be able to understand them a little better

- To be less of a socially awkward person

- To continue to be a creeper, because it's what I'm best at

- To never stop loving 

- To remember all that I can

- To appreciate the people around me more

- To live a life full of happiness and joy, sadness and hurt, anger and annoyance, disappointment, curiosity, pain, and above all, love.

What I want/dream of for my friends:

- A future that satisfies them

- To experience and feel all emotions on their own and not through others

- To understand that life and people are precious

- To let them know that I wouldn't be who I am without each and every one of them

What I want to do/dream of doing: 

- To learn how to drive (yes, I can't drive)

- To learn how to ride a bike (yes, I don't know how to ride a bike)

- To learn how to swim (yeah, I don't know how to do anything, haha)

- To ride on a plane again

- To go sledding with Matthew, Paul, and Elizabeth 

- To have a snowball fight with a group of friends

- To go to New York with Matthew, Paul, and Elizabeth like we planned to

- To go to an anime convention (with Alley, Taylor, Lauren, Kasey, Haley, and Tianhui; not all at once of course...but that would be fun!)

- To cosplay (just once in my life)

- To beat Anh in one round of DDR (this might just remain a dream, haha)

- To hang out with Casey and Deepak (Tomy) every now and then (it will happen, it must...please?) 

- To have an anatomy group reunion 

- To write handwritten letters to a friend (I promise that I'll do this)

- To watch The Grudge with Brittany and Gee (this will be interesting) 

- To go out for cheesecake with Allie

- To go on long walks with friends and hold hands

- To talk on the phone with a friend for hours and hours

- To "dance" in the rain

- To have a cheesy typical romance moment occur (just once!)

This is all that I can think of at the moment, there will be more to come later. I realize that a lot of what I want to do/dream of doing involves the here and now. I'm sure it'll change as time passes, but I like my lists for now. I didn't include anything about my family in this one because I felt like I needed to dedicate this more towards myself and my friends.

I decided that I don't like this anymore. Too sappy, even for me. But I'll keep it here anyway because it is the honest truth. These are things that I want to do or dream of doing. Still, I need to write about something that's not sappy for a change. Maybe my hatred of Day 1s? Too weak? I'll think of something...

I'm silly, that's all.

Houses

So yesterday was officially my first BBQ of the year. It was at my brother's house and it was only close family. I have to say that it was a great time. The food was good, as expected. My sister made chocolate covered bananas and strawberries (or as my father pronounces it: stawberries; where the 'r' goes, I have no idea), which actually turned out nicely. I only tried the choco bananas though; it was too much chocolate but still a creative idea. 

My brother's house is really gorgeous. I think it's a pretty big house. I mean it's bigger than the house I've grown up in and currently live in, not to mention that it's in much better condition because it's new! The living room area is nicely furnished and everything matches so well. A lot of the furniture is different shades of brown and tan. Not to mention, there's a really big TV, which Farah (my brother's wife) is quite proud of; HD TV man, I'm just not used to it. The master bedroom is huge; there's two closets, a bathroom, a huge bed (of course), and plenty of space to roll around. There's two other bedrooms upstairs, one is blue themed. The other one, which I got to sleep in, was green; I felt kind of bad for sleeping there because it all looked so neat and lovely, I just didn't want to mess up the way it looked. There's a computer room and a hall bathroom upstairs too. There's a huge bookcase thing in the basement that I really love. Someday, I'd like to have that much space for books. There's a lot of mint outside in the back and it tastes amazing. I haven't decided if it tastes better than the mint we have growing at home. Not much of a backyard, but still enough space for my brother's niece and nephew to run freely in, if they so choose. This is all kind of irrelevant information, but I figured that I should at least try to describe the house. I'll take pictures and just show what it looks like instead of trying to describe it. 

We were watching House Hunters earlier today. People are extremely picky with the house that they want to buy. I don't understand why when all houses seem to look so nice, not to mention that these houses were worth over a million! Crazy people! I guess I won't understand until I have to buy a house...well, if I ever buy a house that is. I don't know what the future holds in store for me. I might just end up mooching off of Casey. In fact, that's the plan. She'll get married to a rich guy, live in a nice house, and pay my medical expenses. We've honestly planned out our future like that, to the point where it could very well stop being a joke and become reality. It'll work out perfectly.

"You have stolen my heart"

Today was wonderful. I got to spend today with two of my favorite people, Deepak (Tomy) and Casey. We got the chance to go see an open heart surgery; I am unable to disclose more information other than that due to HIPAA. I have to say that the heart was really beautiful looking though. Very pretty looking.

Anyway, today was a special day for me. As I continue to spend more time with these two, I feel myself wanting to change. For too long, I've felt sad about things that have happened in my life, whether it's to me, my family, or my friends. But as Deepak (Tomy) and Casey would say: "Get over it!"/"Get over yourself!" And that's what I want to do. It's important to feel all emotions, but there's a rightful time and place to mention certain things and feel a certain way. I play the surgery card too much with those two, most of the time jokingly but I realize that I need to stop doing that. It's not that I want to forget those days entirely and make it as though I went through nothing, it's just that it's time for me to move on. I want to move on for myself, for them, and everyone I care about.

It's time for me to look forward. I don't know what's going to happen in the future. I don't know where we will be in the future. I don't know if I'll be friends with these two in a few years. I sincerely hope that the three of us will still be close. Will it hurt if they're not in my life? Yes, I'm sure it will from time to time, but what I've felt with them won't be forgotten. Sometimes, people enter our lives when we need them and then they will leave when they complete their purpose. We might forget what we've said and what happened, but I know that I'll never forget how I feel.

There are special people who enter our lives. They walk through our hearts, leaving their footprints, influence, and love behind. Deepak (Tomy) and Casey have been doing that for me. As Deepak (Tomy) reads this, I bet he'll be thinking "yeah, yeah, yeah" or something along the lines of that, because I always express my affection for the two of them. Even today, when I said "I hate you" to them it was simply code for "I love you."

Oh yeah, I should probably mention what the title is about. "You have stolen my heart" is from a song called Stolen by Dashboard Confessional; it's a song that I really like. And maybe I should mention why today was such a great day, besides seeing the open heart surgery. As expected, too much PDA occurred today between all three of us, haha. But the PDA expressed by the two of them was hilarious, cute, and sweet all at once. They held hands today while walking across the street to the bus, guaranteed it looked more like Casey was being pulled along at one point but it was still an "awww" moment. And I definitely won't forget what Deepak (Tomy) said to Casey: "Honey, come back." Today was definitely one of the best days I've had with those two. If only HIPAA wasn't in place then I could blab about how cool today was...

Side Notes: 

-I know I talk about these two a lot. Part of the reason for that is because I've spent so much time with them lately. The other part is because I'm glad to have them in my life. They tease me, tell me to move on, make me feel more emotions than just happiness, and deep down inside, I know that they care.

-This is more of me rambling about how much I love Deepak (Tomy) and Casey. :D 
-I can't wait until this romance blossoms, haha. So much PDA! :D

From Disappointing to Amazing

I was extremely disappointed this morning. I got my SAT scores. As expected, I did poorly. I knew I wasn't going to do well to begin with. I felt like such a failure, like such a worthless existence. All of that negativity just because of the SAT. I need to study more, that's for sure. I'm hoping for a better score on the June 2nd one. If I go in confidently, will it help me? I hope so.

I know that I need to be more confident in myself, but it's hard for me when all I can see is how great everyone else is. Everyone else is so talented in one way or another, but I'm not. I wonder if I'll ever be able to find out what I'm good at. Everyone has a talent, right? Do some people just go through life without ever knowing?

Anyway, enough with that sadness. My day turned out to be great. I walked into school with no intention of being happy, smiling, or laughing. It didn't take long before I broke into a smile during first block. I think it's because today was a Day 2. I see Casey all day long and she always makes me feel better. By the time it was English, I was in a fairly good mood. That good mood continued to study hall and through lunch. It died down a bit during the first half of 6th period but came back during the second half. But the happiest time in my day was during anatomy. Today was hilarious; Casey was being so flirtatious and inappropriate. Oh, and we found out that Deepak (Tomy) is cheating on Casey, haha. I really thought they had something together, haha. :D

Today I remembered something that my DCM friend, Carol, told me. She told me that my life doesn't depend on my SAT scores, that I beat myself up too easily because I feel like I need to exceed the ordinary. She's right though, I'm exactly like that. Truthfully, I see myself as a failure most of the time. I reserve those thoughts for when I'm by myself though. When I'm with people I love, I don't feel like a failure, I don't feel like I have to be perfect. All of those negative thoughts and worries fly away. 

I'm happy today and I know my happiness will continue into tomorrow...very early tomorrow, haha. I have an exciting Friday to spend with two amazing people, Deepak (Tomy) and Casey. I just hope they keep the PDA to a minimum, haha. :D

Letting Go and Reaching Out

I've been thinking about a certain person I know. I don't hate the person. No, I don't think I ever could. I see the person as a friend and a very special friend at that. But now I'm wondering if that friendship is fading. I'm wondering if I've convinced myself to let go. I'm wondering if they see our friendship fading and if they care enough to make it continue.

It wasn't long after I became friends with this person that I started to depend on them. A lot. I still depend on that friend. I bet my dependence on that person is suffocating them, not literally I hope. I'm aware of the dependence I have, which is why I keep telling myself to let go. 

I'm scared now, because I think I might really be letting go. It's not that I don't want to. I mean I guess I want to let go and let my friend breathe for once, but I don't want our friendship to fall apart. It feels like it's doing exactly that and at times I find myself not caring as much. That scares me. I've never been okay with losing a friend. How did I convince myself that I'll be fine with losing them? Half of me has moved on, but the other half is resisting. The other half is trying to make my decided half question everything. And it usually does, but I don't know what will happen now.

I have another friendship thing (I don't want to call it an issue or problem because it's really not) that's been on my mind lately. How do people become friends? I think about this a lot. I don't understand it. I can remember the time period in which I became friends with a person, but I can't remember the exact moment of when I knew that the person and I were friends. Is there a specific moment that friendship happens in? 

There is one person in particular that I want to be friends with or at least a bit closer to. I think I've been reaching out, but friendship takes two people. The other person has to reach out too. But I don't think that person really cares; that person doesn't need me but I want them in my life. I feel like I need to know this person more.

I just don't understand why I care about people that I don't know. I don't know why I want to be friends with certain people over others. I don't know why I can't hold myself back from reaching out. I don't know why I feel like I need certain people in my life. 

Friendship is a strange thing. I wonder if I'll ever be able to understand the concept entirely. I wonder if I'll ever find the answers to these questions.

Filming - Day 2

Today, we got work done. We had nine organ systems to knock out today and we did all of them except for one. That's a pretty good day of working considering that the four of us (me, Casey, Deepak (Tomy), and Andy; Mikayla was not present) goof off a lot.

Kidney stones, having change thrown at me because I'm a homeless person who thinks that she is a dog, biting Casey, being "shocked' with paddles by Deepak (Tomy), being taunted by Andy and Deepak (Tomy) = a fun time. My life is so normal, I love it. The things we have done so that we can an A on this project are just crazy. I will probably never have this much fun with a video project again. I find it strange that I'm not even remotely embarrassed by what I did today as far as acting goes. Maybe I was a little embarrassed at the time, but thinking about it now I realize that I'm not. So what if we all had to humiliate ourselves at one point? We all had fun and that's all that matters.

Besides working so diligently like the good little students we are, we had some time to ourselves to do whatever we felt like doing aka our break time. Casey was preoccupied with Andy's iPad. Andy was using his laptop, then he went to the keyboard, and then played Tetris after that. Deepak (Tomy) played guitar and the keyboard, but not at the same time. What did I do? I watched them and engraved the feeling I had during that time into memory. It felt so perfect.

I've had two good weekends in a row, will my good weekend streak continue? We shall find out soon enough, perhaps too soon.

We found love in a homeless place...

It Feels the Same

I went to visit some family (my aunt, my uncle, and three of my cousins) today. After arriving, everything felt wrong. Everything felt different almost as if everything had changed. I'm not wrong though. So much has changed and yet it feels the same. 

Lots of changes have taken place since the last time I saw these specific members of my family. My uncle had a medical issue come up recently; I was so afraid when I heard. My aunt's hair is finally turning gray. My cousins are all older now. Rabia, the youngest of the three, and Usama, the middle of the three, have braces. Sumyya will be getting braces soon. I realized that while they have gotten older, their personalities have remained solid. They haven't changed much at all, and that's saying a lot especially since I haven't seen them in a long time. Some of my cousins in New York seem to have changed when I go see them after a long time, but that's not the case with my three Virginia cousins. 

My Virginia cousins, as I'll call them now, haven't changed personalities too much. They still make me laugh just as much as they always have. They still teach me all sorts of new things. And they always have plenty of stories to tell. I've learned that soil is not cake so there's no reason to know how many layers there are, courtesy of Usama. Sumyya and Usama shared how they get free things when they're away for college. And they also informed me of a story in which a husband was snapping pictures while his wife was getting attacked by an animal, or animals, at a petting zoo. Oh, and I've also learned some of the delicacies that some countries have...it's pretty disgusting stuff so I'll spare you the horror. 

Initially, when I walked in and sat down, it felt different. It took a little bit of time before I felt the same as I had when I was a child. That warm feeling that I've always felt before hasn't left. It's always going to be there, in that house, for as long as they continue to live there. I never want to lose that feeling. The feeling of belonging, of love, of warmth and familiarity. No matter how many years pass or how much we grow, that feeling will always remain.

Note: This post was meant for May 19th, 2012. I kind of came back late from their house so this is why it's so late.

Helping Out

Something very special happened today. I was finally able to be of use to someone, that someone being Mrs. Strosnider. She is a teacher so I find it strange that I was of any help at all.

Mrs. Strosnider was having trouble with a personal issue, I'm not sure what else to call it besides that. She was having trouble making a decision, and I was able to help. I don't consider myself to be good with giving advice at all. I'm the person that screws things up because of what I say, or at least it feels that way. I guess I can give advice when it's not an issue relevant to me.

I've been told a few times that I'm wise beyond my years; Mrs. Strosnider said that today. I kept telling her that it wasn't true, I'm just a teenager with raging hormones. I guess I have a tendency to say things that people find comfort or strength in. I don't fully understand it. I won't be able to understand being "wise beyond my years" until I'm older. As a junior in high school, I'm not old enough to appreciate a compliment like that.

It feels so good when someone tells you that you've helped them. I don't get that a lot. I feel like I'm always the one asking the questions, most of them stupid, and receiving answers from others. I was so overjoyed when Mrs. Strosnider told me that I helped her make the decision. It wasn't an easy decision for her to make. From an outsider's perspective, it would seem that her decision was trivial, but it really wasn't. I wasn't in her shoes with all of her emotions, but I still understood why it was such an important decision for her to make.

Needless to say, I was happy...and then I left her room to go to Mrs. Britton's room, which I deeply regret now. Why? Two words: meanie substitute.

Valuing People

Today, I noticed that one of my friends, Rida, posted a very thought provoking status. Her status was this: When you start giving someone too much importance in your life, you tend to lose your value in their life. Strange but true. Other than your parents and close family. After I saw that, I thought about how true it kind of is. 

These are the three things that describe me when it comes to my close (and sometimes not so close) friendships/relationships with others: clingy, attached, & overly affectionate. I'm guilty of giving people too much importance, I'm aware that I do it. But what can I do when that's just the way I am? 

Just how much value have I lost in the lives of those people that I care about so much? I want to be valued just as much as the next person does. Isn't that what we all want though, to be valued, to feel important? I guess I overdo it, but I think it's because I'm afraid. I'm afraid of losing people. Not a day of school goes by when I don't see someone that I used to be close to and wonder if they want to be friends again. I've realized over and over again that I can't hold onto everyone.

Do others value me as much as I value them? Honestly, I don't think so. I value other people too much, more than I should probably, in comparison to how much they value me. That's fine with me though. I need to learn to not smother people with my affections, because I know it will backfire on me since it's happened before. If I don't learn how to do that then I'm going to lose people who have become so important to me. 

Pain

"You cause your own pain" - Deepak (Tomy)

When I heard those words in person, they were meant in a seemingly joking manner. Those words had originally made me laugh inside, but then I started to think about what they really meant. I somehow doubt that I was meant to see those words in a serious light, but I managed to.

When someone dies, no one tells us to feel sad, to feel hurt, to feel pained. It's natural to feel upset when someone you love dies. If we didn't feel sad, we'd be labeled as inhuman. But who is it that's telling us to feel that pain? No one. No one but ourselves.

The same goes for when something bad happens to either you or someone you know. No one tells us to feel rotten when we're rejected by the person we like or when we go through a breakup. Needles, razors, knives, surgeries, diseases, accidents. Why do those kinds of things make us feel as though we're in pain? Isn't the pain just all in my head?

Why should I ever feel broken and in pain if it's all in my head then? I found the answer to that question on my own. Feeling and acknowledging pain is what makes me human.

Maybe I'm crazy because I find some truth behind those words. Although, I'm sure I'll eventually contradict myself, as I always seem to do.

Side Note:

- Today was a Day 1. Day 1s suck. To pass the time, I think. End of story.

Hugs

I kept thinking about hugs today and this past weekend. I've realized why I like to give and receive hugs so much, but more so receive than give. 

Hugs, just like smiles, are a language of their own in my mind. Hugs are just as good as words when expressing an emotion or feeling. When someone who is close to you passes away or when you're talking about something that makes you tear up, hugs are a source of comfort. The other person is letting you know that you are not alone. When you're happy or excited, hugs are a way of voicing that openly without having to speak. 

And now for my favourite, hugs give off a sense of security and protection, and they can convey your love for people (when you're being sincere that is). Whenever I hug my father, my brothers, my uncles, or even my boy cousins, I feel so safe, I feel so protected. Some of my taller friends are kind of awkward when it comes to hugs so I guess you could say that I fear for my life...just kidding! My taller friends that aren't so awkward to hug give me that same feeling, that same sense of security and protection. 

Also, until yesterday, I never realized that when you hug a tall person in the right way, you can hear their heartbeat (which I learned today is actually their valves closing, haha). I have to say that I've never paid attention or even bothered to listen to anyone's heart until yesterday; it felt nice to hear the other person's heart beating. When I heard the other person's heart beating, it made me want to hold on longer just so I could listen more. What can I say? I like hearts and hugs. If you know me then you understand why I like both so much.

This is probably one of the only reasons as to why I don't mind being short. I'm all in it for the hugs, and your heartbeat if you're tall enough...which most people usually are. 

HUG MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! :D

Filming - Day 1

Today was the first day that the entire group got together. We filmed. We goofed off while filming. We played with dangerous tools...well, some of us did. We went off on an adventure into an unknown land. Pretty cool stuff if you ask me. 

Out of the eleven organ systems, we finished filming the integumentary system and muscular system, both of which Casey is the star. We got some footage on the endocrine system (which stars Mikayla) and pretty much called it a day...because we went venturing off into the previously mentioned unknown land after that. After we got back from said unknown land, Mikayla departed first with the most important thing: the video footage. Casey was the next to go. Then Deepak (Tomy), Andy, and I just did whatever. Andy was preoccupied with whatever was happening on his laptop that was so fascinating, and Deepak (Tomy) quickly became preoccupied with the keyboard, which I must say is beyond amazing. 

We learned some very important things today, or rather I did. Casey and Deepak (Tomy) flirting/trying to flirt is probably one of the funniest things ever. Sadly, I missed their exchange because I was "talking/arguing" with Andy in the background while Mikayla was behind the camera filming us. Stuffing helmets and pillows into Casey made her look hilarious. The meat part of the muscular system was kind of gross but pretty awesome; I still feel bad for Casey...all of that work just to get an A. I have horrible aim...well, I sort of already knew that. I kind of went crazy with the "blood" and squirted it onto Casey's shirt, that was an accident of course. 

But the most important thing I learned today is that there is no way that we won't get an A on this project. It's too good for us to not get an A. Also, our bloopers section is going to be ridiculous. So many funny moments. And today was another one of those perfect days for me. 

Needless to say, today was an amazing day. I'm two for two so far and expecting another amazing day tomorrow, since I see these same weirdos, who I love so much, again tomorrow. Four lovable weirdos + one Fawzia = FUN! 

Proof of our shenanigans! :D 

SURPRISEEEEE!

Today started off as a really sucky day. By 5:30 PM, everything was a million times better. My sister and eldest brother had come home. I only saw my brother for about 10 minutes before my sister and I left home to go to Roma's. She had told me ahead of time that we were going there for my birthday. I honestly just thought it was going to be the two of us, but I was suspicious because so many hints were dropped. All those hints went over my head. 

My sister and I sat outside and waited until the first person showed up. I understood exactly what was happening when the first person, Deepak (Tomy), arrived. Until then, I was pretty clueless. I didn't even realize who else would be there. Those other very important and special people being: Casey, Haley, Taylor, Alley, Gee, and Tianhui. I was surprised, so surprised, and very happy. We had to wait a while for the table, I mean there was 9 of us in total so of course it took some time. 

Tonight was special in so many ways. I got to spend time with people who I really admire and care about so much. I haven't had so much fun in a long time. I'm not a very funny person so I'm glad my sister was there to help everything along. So many laughs, so many smiles, so much conversation about so many random things. We took some pictures so that we'd remember this night, or rather so that I would remember tonight. I think that's what made tonight so wonderful. Tonight was like the sweet 16 celebration that I didn't have. I'm glad I had this celebration at 17.

Tonight made me realize that I don't want to worry about the future or where we're going to be in five years. That's not to say that I don't care, but even if I lose touch with these friends, I think I'll be okay. I think the realization has sunk in entirely, at least I hope it has. I don't want to forget tonight or the friends I have. I'm just happy that they're mine. I had a lot of fun tonight. I hope everyone else had fun too. Even if they forget, I promise to remember. I promise to think back to this night and smile. 

A few side notes:
-Amazon is awesome (I finally understand that...thanks Deepak (Tomy))
-I hugged everyone tonight (It would never be complete if I didn't) 
-I like hugging people :)
-Deepak (Tomy) is too tall
-My sister is beyond hilarious
-My friends are amazing and I love them them sooooooo much :)
-I didn't really explain in depth what we did or what happened but that's okay because I'll remember :)

Being a Crybaby

I'm too emotional. I hate that. I cry too easily. I hate that. Why do simple words with no intent to hurt make the tears fall? It was nothing worth crying over. But I can still hear that exchange, the idea of it at least -- "Where do we put her?" / "You won't be here during this time." The moment was something like that. I got teary-eyed over something stupid. I'm pretty sure they knew that I cried, or would end up crying. Luckily, I don't think anyone saw. I feel stupid for crying over something so trivial. It's not my fault that I can't be in the library everyday anymore...

Of course, I cheered up in anatomy. No matter how bad a day is, anatomy helps my mood..well most of the time. "Do you speak British?" / "Who invented the heart?"

I stayed after school today to get some help with work that I missed earlier on in the school year. It felt nice to stay after today. I was able to absorb some information and chat with my teacher. I cried for the second time that day. I couldn't help it, because of what we ended up discussing. I cried because my teacher said something along the lines of me being a miracle, being a survivor. I haven't talked enough in person about what I experienced. The subject of being a transplant patient has always been touchy for me. It's hard for me not to cry when I think about those days. No one ever asks about the story, but I don't mind either way. I'm still here and that's all that matters.

First Blog Post

I've been thinking about graduation for a long time, not so much my own as much as the graduation of my fellow seniors. I never really cared much in my freshman or sophomore year, so why do I care so much now? My own cousin and a few friends graduated last year, but it didn't sink in, it didn't bother me. I was fine with them graduating. 

I guess it bothers me more now because I am a junior. I'm one year closer to graduation myself. I've realized that once the current seniors go, I'll finally be a senior. I don't want to be sad about them leaving, but I can't lie to myself about this, I know I'm sad. I don't want them to leave. While it's true that I don't know all of them, some of them are still very important to me. I'm afraid of losing them, even the ones that I don't know anything about. I hate having that feeling. 

Oh, and people tick me off. I don't understand why we have to find fault in each other. We can't just hug and hold hands and get along, can we?  

On a happier note, I got the chance to talk to someone I've wanted to talk to for a while now. I need to be more social. And tomorrow is bound to be a good day, no matter what.  

...I caved, I created a blog...how long will this last?