Embers

Hello there, how are you? I'm doing fairly well. I haven't blogged in quite some time due to life and college and stress and other things of that nature. Last week was spring break and it was absolutely wonderful to be off and not have so much to worry about with regards to homework and studying and going to class. However, this week has probably been the most stressful week of all out of the whole semester so far. A lot of my friends and I have been really high-strung and uptight lately, which is mostly due to a biology project that we're required to present. Speaking of which, I think I messed up my group's performance and probably brought it down because I stumbled and went blank. I'm so glad I decided to make note cards and take them up with me. Before the presentation, I think I was feigning confidence and not being nervous. As soon as it was my turn to speak, I completely lost it for whatever reason. I got through it though and so did my group. I don't feel so guilty, but there is a very slight tinge because I think I was the big problem. But honestly, I don't care because I did what I had to do. I'm not going to sit here and beat myself up over it. As soon as it was done, I left it in the time that it happened. It's in the past now. I realize that the time of the presentation and the overall performance won't matter in the future. It's not going to matter when I'm graduating college.

My Wednesday wasn't destroyed by that presentation though. I saw Gee and everything was just how it should be. Brittany and I caught up with her and filled her in on the gaps. So much time has passed and our lives are really so different, but we're the same with each other as we've always been. A stable friendship, I think it can be called. A stable friendship that I'm glad to have.

And for the rest of the day, I spent my time in one of my favorite ways. I spent it with my friends, talking and laughing, trying to reassure them. I've realized that we've all come so far. Our friendships aren't perfect, nor should they be, but we're making them best of our time together. Trials and tribulations will take place, but I know that we're a strong bunch and that we'll fight against whatever comes our way. We may not always be together, but we're with each other in spirit and reminding each other to keep our heads up.

Note: Here's my nod to the title! The title of this post is Embers, which is a song by Owl City. And for everything that's happened recently, I thought it was fitting. Right now, everyone is fighting their way through college. Whether we realize it or not, we're doing it together. And no matter how many awful days or times that there are, we'll make it to the end of the day. And we'll be shining like the stars that we are. And it will always get better.

Birthday Reflection

I turned 18 years old on April 13th. The way I spent my 18th birthday was so different from all of the rest of my birthdays as far as I can remember anyway. I mean, I definitely did some special things for previous birthdays, but my 18th birthday was different. It was the first birthday that I didn't spend all day, or even most of the day, with my family. 

On Saturday, instead of going out to eat for my birthday or being with my family for the majority of the day, I was at the FBLA State Conference. Quite honestly, I was happy for the change of experience. I love my family so very much, but it was just a nice change of pace to spend most of my birthday with other people besides them. (I hope that doesn't make me a bad person.) I really felt like an adult on Saturday. 

So, I'm going to run through my Saturday with what I can remember. I might put some events in the wrong order, but I'll do my best to not do that. So, I woke up early on Saturday to get ready for the conference. I got to the Hyatt a little bit before 8 and basically freaked out because I thought my event was early in the morning. Eventually, after roaming around for 10 minutes or so, I found Mrs. Woodward and all was well. Although, I did spam Casey's phone quite successfully while I was in my panicked state. I hung out around Mrs. Woodward until the crew arrived. Then we pretty much just explored the hotel a little bit. We found a piano, but I didn't get the chance to "play" it. Caleb went off for his event. We roamed around some more, Casey went for her event, then a group of us sat down to listen to one of the leadership presentations. It was rather boring to be honest. The people next door to us were having a good time though, but that room was packed! Got out of the leadership presenation and walked around some more with Jordan and Caroline. We stumbled upon Mrs. Strosnider and Cassy, who was practicing for her event. Stood around and chatted some more until Caroline and I went for our events. Coincidentally, Cristian was at the conference too so he approached me and said Happy Birthday, which was sweet. Caroline and I came back from our event. She left for lunch and I probably just talked and walked around with some people after that until Jordan left for his event and came back. Caleb got pretty obsessed with the raffle during that time, haha. When he finished up, the four of us (Casey, Jordan, Caleb, and I) ventured half a mile to Five Guys and half a mile back to the hotel. It was unbelievably nice to walk to Five Guys and back. After coming back to the hotel, we found out that Cassy hadn't gone yet. We had our ice cream social at three. (I didn't have any ice cream though! They all sang Happy Birthday to me though, which was embarrassing and sweet at the same time!) By that time, Cassy had gone in to do her event and finished up fairly quickly. Kayla, Meagan, Casey and I were hanging out outside and chatting. Then we all went down to Panera. Angela and VP Jordan joined us later. We blew two hours just sitting there in Panera talking, lazing around, and playing games on Cassy's iPad. I finally decided that I had enough of sitting around and doing nothing so I successfully dragged Meagan, Casey, VP Jordan, and Cassy to explore the shops around the hotel. We went to the Apple Store first. After that, we went to Paper Source, courtesy of myself. Then we waltzed into a Thai restaurant for dinner where Casey and I shared dinner. I think it was Meagan's first time having Thai food. Cassy fell in love with the mango ice cream. We got back to the hotel and ventured into the Panera (all of us except for Meagan, I believe) to go and sit with Caleb, Jordan, and Caroline, who all had such a good time to bond that it made me jealous. I just wanted those three to love me, haha. We sat in there and talked until it was time for us to go upstairs for the awards ceremony. Beginning of the awards ceremony consisted of blasting music for a good 10-15 minutes at least. At one point, Cassy stood up and started dancing, which caught the attention of so many people that she went out into the aisle with two other people (one guy and one girl) and the three of them just danced. It was crazy and hilarious. It took forever to get through all of it and we all got pretty restless. Five of us managed to place for states. Cassy took 5th in her event, Casey took 4th in hers, Jordan took 3rd in his, Kayla and Meagan took 2nd in theirs, and I somehow grasped 1st in my own. 

I was really shocked to have won first. My heart was pounding as I listened for my name to be called to the holding area. I went up on stage with four other people. The lights were so blinding and I couldn't see far out into the audience for my crew. I listened intently as the names were called. It finally came down to second and first place. When my name wasn't called for second, I sort of stood there in disbelief with a dumbfounded expression. I couldn't believe that I actually took first. For the first time in my life, I had won something and it wasn't just an individual accomplishment. It was recognition for Sherando too. I was so happy. 

The State Conference really did turn out to be such a great way to spend my birthday. I'm so fortunate to have had the chance to attend. I hope more underclassmen join up in FBLA and compete in events. If I can win something, then there is no doubt that they can work hard and win too. (Although, I didn't really work hard. I barely studied for both tests and still managed it. I guess I have more school smarts and common sense than I give myself credit for.) I felt so confident on my birthday while I was at the conference. Yes, I did worry about the way I looked a couple of times, but it was so fleeting. I was glowing with excitement and self-approval way before the awards ceremony. I just felt so free. It was nice to spend time with people that I'm not usually with. It was really nice. 

After everything was all over, my brother, Shaun, picked me up and drove to our brother's (Rehaan) house; Aisha was already there. I received birthday flowers, two birthday cards (one from Shaun and one that was probably purchased by Aisha but signed by everyone), and lots of love. We did the cake even though it was late. I knew that they used a trick candle because I saw it spark. It was pretty funny. We all had cake, except for Farah. Aisha had bought me some cheesecake from Whole Foods or wherever and I ate half of that too. I ate pretty poorly on my birthday, but still had a fantastic day overall. I was pretty happy.

"Heaven forbid you end up alone"

I need to be honest with myself...so I'm blogging. (Deepak, you happy now?) Those who know me well enough already know that this is going to be a somewhat gloomy post, but I think it's progress since I'm finally admitting that there is a problem. I need to change. 

I typically have a low self-esteem. The people who truly know me inside and out can attest to that. Self-esteem often differs depending on the goings on, but I'm usually pretty down on myself. Of course, I have my own silly reasons for being this way. My self-esteem goes hand in hand with what I believe my self-worth to be. I wonder how many people have been able to sense my perception of my own self-worth because I don't know how strongly it shows through.

Like I said, I have my reasons for these negative feelings. If I'm being honest, I really don't believe in myself and I really don't believe I'm worth anything. I never have. I don't want that 'never have' sentiment to become 'never will.' My reasons include things like my appearance, my personality, and my intelligence level. All three of those things are my fault and mine alone. 

Ever since middle school, I've hated the way I look; I don't think appearance mattered much to me in elementary school. I feel like I don't fit society's standards of what a beautiful woman should look like, and it really sucks. It sucks to go around and think that everyone is judging you because you're huge and not visually appealing. Am I starting to sound self-pitying right about now? My apologies, I am sincerely trying to change that part of myself though by eating well and exercising daily. Change won't happen right away, but at least I'm trying. 

A lot of people seem to like me, but I honestly can't understand why. According to many people, I'm the nice and quiet type. Yeah, I guess I can agree with that. But there's this one thing that spoils my personality: my lack of confidence. I explained my lack of confidence to a couple of teachers and they thought it was somewhat comical so let me relay it to you now. I basically stated that I have no confidence in all situations so that if by chance something good happens then I can pleased with myself and feel good. When it comes to bad things happening, I'll still feel bad, but at least I had it coming. (I suppose that last bit is the funny part.) 

And last but not least, my intelligence level. People have this belief, even without knowing me, that I am intelligent. You might be thinking that I should just shut up and take it as a compliment whether it is true or not. Truthfully, I don't see myself as intelligent. In fact, what is it that people base intelligence on? I've often wondered that. I met someone a few years ago and I thought he was brilliant, but he did so poorly in school because he didn't really care. I don't think intelligence can be measured on school smarts or street smarts, or even an IQ test. What makes you better than the person next to you anyway? Anyway, back to my point, I don't view myself as intelligent purely because I don't want to become arrogant. I have my own moments of arrogance and I don't like them. I'd rather be a humble person. However, I need to accept that certain things come easier for me than they do for others, and vice versa. 

Even transplantation didn't "fix" me. I still don't feel worth it most of the time, but I want to feel worth it for her. She keeps me from truly destroying myself. I sometimes think about her and tell myself that I'm going to be happy for the both of us. I want to be confident for the both of us. I owe her that much. I'm not only living my own life, I'm living hers too. (I know a lot of people would love to argue about that with me, but unless you're a heart transplant recipient, you can't possibly understand.) Or rather, she is living within me and continuing her life through me. Either way, that's why I have to make these seconds, minutes, hours, days, weeks, months, and years worthwhile. 

I kind of do want to talk about the song lyrics in the title. "Heaven forbid you end up alone" is from a song called Heaven Forbid by The Fray. (I am listening to it on repeat as I write this post.) I don't know the intended meaning of the song or for what purpose the song was written, but I have my own attachment to it. 

Heaven Forbid by The Fray

"Twenty years, it's breaking you down
now that you understand there's no one around
Take a breath, just take a seat
you're falling apart and tearing at the seams
Heaven forbid you end up alone, you don't know why
Hold on tight, wait for tomorrow, you'll be alright"

That bit is only the beginning part of the song, but every time I listen to it I can't help but feel something click. I don't want to be alone because of the way I perceive myself. If I keep this up and really let my self-pitying and insecure self rule over my life, I will end up alone. I know that I will relapse over and over again, but as long as I do my best and hold on, I know I can change. I need to start believing in myself like others do. I need to come to the realization that I am as brilliant as the next person.

I think I've sort of strayed away from my overall point, but oh well. I'm just trying to accept myself, change what I can, and work on being happy. It's much easier said than done, but I know I can do it if I work at it.

Dragonfly Retreat

I just had one of the most amazing weekends of my entire life, one of the best actually. I went to the Dragonfly Heart Camp Retreat at NorthBay in Maryland. I didn't realize that this weekend would make me feel so much better and hopeful. I met other heart transplant recipients, a lung transplant recipient, and pulmonary hypertension patients, in addition to some medical personnel. I thoroughly enjoyed the weekend. I can't even express how amazing it was for me and for my new friends. 

I knew that there were other transplant recipients running around somewhere, but I never could find them...until now. I met people who are more than 5 years out of transplant, even 15 years and more. It was incredible. It gives me hope for the future. I'm not a statistic. No one gets to tell me that because I'm a transplant recipient I'll only live for a certain amount of time, because of the people I met. 

I'm not going to be able to say everything that I want to say, but I'm going to at least try to say some more. I just have so much to say about this weekend. We all learned something and had the chance to discuss a lot of things. It was nice to be around people who understand me because they've been there. They know how it feels and so I don't have to feel alone in the world anymore. I have a strong support team now with people who truly do understand what it's like. This experience has made me stronger. I now take my medicine without my applesauce. I refuse to go back to it because if my friends can take theirs without something like that, then I can too. 

While at camp, I found myself starting to think 'Wow, your life was so much worse than mine,' but then I realized that we've all had it tough and that includes me too. I can't say that their experience is worse than mine or that they feel more pain than I do. We've all had it rough, but it's made us so much stronger and all the more motivated. We are inspirations to each other, because each one of us has fought their own fight and still continues to move on and push for another day to live. We all have a purpose in life. 

Feelings aside, this was an extremely fun filled weekend. There was ziplinig, the swing, rock climbing, indoor bonfires, smores, playing ping pong, table hockey, and pool, and just having fun with each other. The girls and I stayed up the second night to talk. It was a lot of fun. 

My thoughts are all over the place. I really miss camp. I miss my friends. I miss being able to take medicine with other people. I miss doing all of those fun activities. I miss having breakfast, lunch, and dinner together. I miss the story telling and the crafts. I miss everything. And I am a little sad, but I know that I'll see everyone again. Even if I don't, they're always with me because of the special bond we've created. No one can break that. Together, we are stronger. I'm not alone. 

It was a life changing experience.

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"Five heart transplant recipients, ten souls" - Derek 

"Shit's about to hit the fan" - Bre (She said something like this, haha)

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Link to a compilation of pictures and a video from Dragonfly: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ljytvb264JU

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I've dubbed Johns Hopkins as JHOP since Children's Hospital of Philadelphia is shortened to CHOP. :)

From Disappointing to Amazing

I was extremely disappointed this morning. I got my SAT scores. As expected, I did poorly. I knew I wasn't going to do well to begin with. I felt like such a failure, like such a worthless existence. All of that negativity just because of the SAT. I need to study more, that's for sure. I'm hoping for a better score on the June 2nd one. If I go in confidently, will it help me? I hope so.

I know that I need to be more confident in myself, but it's hard for me when all I can see is how great everyone else is. Everyone else is so talented in one way or another, but I'm not. I wonder if I'll ever be able to find out what I'm good at. Everyone has a talent, right? Do some people just go through life without ever knowing?

Anyway, enough with that sadness. My day turned out to be great. I walked into school with no intention of being happy, smiling, or laughing. It didn't take long before I broke into a smile during first block. I think it's because today was a Day 2. I see Casey all day long and she always makes me feel better. By the time it was English, I was in a fairly good mood. That good mood continued to study hall and through lunch. It died down a bit during the first half of 6th period but came back during the second half. But the happiest time in my day was during anatomy. Today was hilarious; Casey was being so flirtatious and inappropriate. Oh, and we found out that Deepak (Tomy) is cheating on Casey, haha. I really thought they had something together, haha. :D

Today I remembered something that my DCM friend, Carol, told me. She told me that my life doesn't depend on my SAT scores, that I beat myself up too easily because I feel like I need to exceed the ordinary. She's right though, I'm exactly like that. Truthfully, I see myself as a failure most of the time. I reserve those thoughts for when I'm by myself though. When I'm with people I love, I don't feel like a failure, I don't feel like I have to be perfect. All of those negative thoughts and worries fly away. 

I'm happy today and I know my happiness will continue into tomorrow...very early tomorrow, haha. I have an exciting Friday to spend with two amazing people, Deepak (Tomy) and Casey. I just hope they keep the PDA to a minimum, haha. :D