Dragonfly Retreat

I just had one of the most amazing weekends of my entire life, one of the best actually. I went to the Dragonfly Heart Camp Retreat at NorthBay in Maryland. I didn't realize that this weekend would make me feel so much better and hopeful. I met other heart transplant recipients, a lung transplant recipient, and pulmonary hypertension patients, in addition to some medical personnel. I thoroughly enjoyed the weekend. I can't even express how amazing it was for me and for my new friends. 

I knew that there were other transplant recipients running around somewhere, but I never could find them...until now. I met people who are more than 5 years out of transplant, even 15 years and more. It was incredible. It gives me hope for the future. I'm not a statistic. No one gets to tell me that because I'm a transplant recipient I'll only live for a certain amount of time, because of the people I met. 

I'm not going to be able to say everything that I want to say, but I'm going to at least try to say some more. I just have so much to say about this weekend. We all learned something and had the chance to discuss a lot of things. It was nice to be around people who understand me because they've been there. They know how it feels and so I don't have to feel alone in the world anymore. I have a strong support team now with people who truly do understand what it's like. This experience has made me stronger. I now take my medicine without my applesauce. I refuse to go back to it because if my friends can take theirs without something like that, then I can too. 

While at camp, I found myself starting to think 'Wow, your life was so much worse than mine,' but then I realized that we've all had it tough and that includes me too. I can't say that their experience is worse than mine or that they feel more pain than I do. We've all had it rough, but it's made us so much stronger and all the more motivated. We are inspirations to each other, because each one of us has fought their own fight and still continues to move on and push for another day to live. We all have a purpose in life. 

Feelings aside, this was an extremely fun filled weekend. There was ziplinig, the swing, rock climbing, indoor bonfires, smores, playing ping pong, table hockey, and pool, and just having fun with each other. The girls and I stayed up the second night to talk. It was a lot of fun. 

My thoughts are all over the place. I really miss camp. I miss my friends. I miss being able to take medicine with other people. I miss doing all of those fun activities. I miss having breakfast, lunch, and dinner together. I miss the story telling and the crafts. I miss everything. And I am a little sad, but I know that I'll see everyone again. Even if I don't, they're always with me because of the special bond we've created. No one can break that. Together, we are stronger. I'm not alone. 

It was a life changing experience.

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"Five heart transplant recipients, ten souls" - Derek 

"Shit's about to hit the fan" - Bre (She said something like this, haha)

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Link to a compilation of pictures and a video from Dragonfly: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ljytvb264JU

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I've dubbed Johns Hopkins as JHOP since Children's Hospital of Philadelphia is shortened to CHOP. :)

The Tournament

Yeah, so the tournament at Woodgrove. Mixed feelings about that. Today, seven of the Sherando Academic Team members (Haley, Catherine, Meron, Matthew, Angela, Quinton, and I), in addition to two of our three coaches (Daniel and Mr. Davis), set out to have some fun and practice. It certainly was good practice...my head hurts now.

The seven of us were split into two teams: Varsity and JV. Guess which I was made captain of...yeah, the JV team, which consisted of me, Angela, and Quinton. The three of us played four rounds as opposed to the five rounds that the varsity team (Haley, Catherine, Meron, and Matthew) played. We got murdered in the first match against Loudon's varsity team. We improved in the next match against James Wood, but still lost. (Keep in mind, James Wood was a varsity team as well.) The third match we played was against Loudon's JV team and we beat them. I was proud of us. It was the three of us versus four people and we actually won. It was still a close game though. Then we played against Battlefield in our last match and lost. It was 140-105 to Battlefield. We made it in Quinton's margin of 40 points in losing. Now, Sherando's varsity team won third with James Wood at second and Loudon at first.

I'm happy about today, but I'm also utterly depressed. I was disappointed that I couldn't be on the varsity team for Sherando. I have an extreme inferiority complex so I felt like I wasn't good enough. Losing against three varsity teams as a JV team doesn't help either. We were close against JW and Battlefield, but it's still disappointing.

On the way back, I purposefully put in my headphones and stared out of one of the open windows diagonal from me. I was listening to some Japanese music, some good stuff. That's when my confidence level fell. I know, I'm too dramatic. Daniel, Haley, and Angela tried to get my attention. I was testing myself to see if I would break. Surprisingly, I didn't. When we were very close or pretty much at Sherando, I told Daniel that I noticed. Then there came a question of wondering if I was okay. Yeah, I'm okay, guys...I'm okay. I just wish I was one of those quick learning people that doesn't have to work to an extreme to be good at something.

I had a lot of fun though. I'm at least proud that we were strong enough to hold off Loudon's four member JV team with only three of us.

Sometimes, I wonder if I should even try at all. Will I even get to play in the regular season? I'm guessing that if I do, then it will be sparingly. Time to get used to cheering on the sidelines where I belong. Okay, I'm being annoying...sorry. I did have fun. That should be what's most important, right? After all, the first real match is against JW and that's when we have to bring our 'A' game.

Blue eyes,
Blue skies,
I concede to you. 


EDIT: Why am I so annoying? Ugh, younger me sounds so silly. Get it together, you're not half as bad of a person as you feel you are.

A Pure and Honest Reflection of the Past Year

It's finally the day I've been waiting for...my first heartiversary. A year ago from today, I underwent heart transplantation, which resulted in my second chance to live and love the life I lead. It hasn't been an easy year for me. I still haven't gotten closure, but I'm working towards it as the days continue to pass. 

Since I've decided to be honest, I'm not going to hide the way I've felt. I'm not about to sugarcoat anything, not today. 

I'm in a calm, peaceful mood right now. As I type, I'm thinking about everything that I can possibly remember from the past year. Positive, cheerful me has a lot to say, but so does negative me. 

Let me start with what my positive self has to say. Before transplantation, I was still able to smile and laugh despite my situation. It helps to have such a loving family and wonderful people taking care of you. After transplantation, I was in pain, but it's what I guess you could call happy pain, because I made it. I had a whole cocktail of medications to take following transplantation and that was difficult to deal with. I've tried to look at it with optimistic eyes. I'm especially happy now because I don't take as many as I used to and the number of medications still hasn't reached its absolute minimum of three yet; I'm still lingering around at five. 

I have a lot to smile about. I have a lot to laugh about. But most importantly, I have a lot to be thankful for. Because of transplantation, because of this second chance, I was able to finish my junior year and continue on into my senior year. Over that time period, I've met some really amazing people and strengthened my relationships with my friends. I've had a good amount of firsts, such as going to Roma's, playing Just Dance, getting my first pair of Levi's, riding the metro, and going to the Cheesecake Factory. Guaranteed that these firsts might not seem that exciting to the average person, but they're special to me.

Sometimes, I can't believe that what I've gone through was real...but then I see the scars and am reminded that it really happened. The scars, the ICD device (which I actually got to keep!), the medications, the pictures, the memories. They remind me. When I was in the hospital, I remember telling one of my nurses something like "you never know how strong you are, until being strong is the only choice you have left." (I, of course, am not that creative. I saw a quote like that a long time ago somewhere on the Interwebs.) In spite of the complaints I've made, at times I feel like I can rightfully say that for all I have been through, I have been strong.

Now for a darker, more depressing take on the past year along with lots of complaining. I'd advise you to skip over this if you don't want to be saddened or annoyed. It sucked. It honestly really sucked. It wasn't fair at all that I had to go through what I went through. Those few months before and after transplantation contained the worst pain I've ever felt in my entire life. I felt dead, like I really was going to die. I'm thankful that I didn't, but I'm still only human. I have days where I feel like the successful attempt to save my life wasn't worth it. I know it might be wrong of me to admit and say that, but I am human. I didn't go through this past year with a smile plastered on my face the entire time. Every once in a long while, I have moments when I think of how ungrateful I am and how my donor should be the one living instead. Those are not good moments for me; this is why I feel weak. I usually just cry and don't talk to anyone about it. That's the other thing. 

I don't talk to many people about transplantation, because a lot of the time, I feel like no one cares. Even when I do talk about it to my select few (excluding my family, of course), I feel like they don't even care. I understand that people have their own hardships to face and it's selfish of me to ask them to comfort me when they're struggling too. I wish people had asked about it when I returned to school, but almost no one did. That made me feel like no one cared at all. I've been told that people don't ask because they don't know how to or because they don't want to make me feel uncomfortable. Maybe that's what it is, but I have nothing to hide. I'm willing to share my story, the good and the bad parts of it. 

Going back to a more positive view now, I've been called an inspiration. I often feel undeserving of such an honor because I am such a complainer. I guess I can understand why people think of me as such, but I don't feel deserving of it. Still, I do appreciate being called an inspiration. It's nice to know that my experience inspired someone else. I've always wanted to be an inspiration to someone and now I am, even to people I don't know. 

One of my friends made me understand that I can't let this experience become me and dictate my life. And for him, but mostly myself, I promise that I won't let it. I promise I'll move on and accept everything that's happened. I'll use this experience to help others and myself.

I'm happy to be alive. Even though I have moments of depression and negativity, I'm happy overall. I'm still here. And because I'm still here, I intend to make a difference. I don't know how long I'm going to live for, but I know that I want to spend the rest of my life working towards being happy and helping others. I think I owe that much to my donor, my donor's family, the medical personnel who took/take care of me, my family, and my friends. It's a work in progress. 

 And here is where I say thank you. Thank you to my ever-loving family for loving and supporting me through everything. Thank you to my donor family for making the decision that they did. Thank you to my cardiology team (Dr. Scheel, Peggy, Dawn, Dr. Coulson, and everyone else) for working so hard. Thank you to my nurses for making me smile and laugh, instilling hope, and sticking me with needles. Thank you to my DCM family for supporting me and believing in me. Thank you to my lovely Casey Harvey for all of your caring, racism, and overly dramatic lame humor. Thank you to Deepak for being a voice of reason, understanding, and kindness when it was needed. Thank you to all of my friends for making me smile, laugh and cry. I love you all. ♥

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Another fall day. An infinite blue sky to look up at, a thousand beautiful trees to enjoy, a hundred blows of the wind to refresh, a second chance and one lovely heart to love it all ♥ Happy Heartiversary ♥ - Shradha 

"Happy Hearth Day" - Casey 

"It's my heartiversary ♥" - Me
"We know" - Deepak

"A journey of a thousand miles begins with one step." 

"It is infinitely better to transplant a heart than to bury it to be devoured by worms." - Christiaan Barnard

"I felt the earth beneath my feet, sat by the river and it made me complete"

My heartiversary is coming up, and there is something special I'd like to do. I don't really have any desire to go out to eat or anything like that. I don't particularly want any of that, but I won't say no to any of it.

I want to go to Sherando Park and walk around the lake while holding hands with a loved one, a friend. I want to sit down with that person, watch the water, and talk about the year that has passed. 

There are very few friends of mine who appreciate silence and are willing to listen to me talk about this. I have a few friends in mind, but I doubt I'm going to do this.

Sure, I want to celebrate on my heartiversary, but I also want to reflect as well. I want to spend part of the day looking back on the year that has passed.

Side Note: The title of the blog post is from Somewhere Only We Know by Keane. 

EDIT: I never did end up doing this. 

"Is this the place we used to love?"

I have guidance counselor issues... 

I went to Aylor today for the MAT program. Quite honestly, I'm not even sure what MAT is supposed to stand for, probably something easy and simple, but I just don't know. Yeah, so I went back to Aylor, my middle school. My former guidance counselor, Mr. Demorest, is basically in charge of it. It felt strange to be back at Aylor, to see him. 

When I attended Aylor as a student, I thought the world of Mr. Demorest. I admired him and respected him. I liked talking to him back in the day. I felt secure and protected because he was (and still is) such a kind, caring person. He was the one at Aylor that I "fell in love" with. But now, I don't know how to feel since it's been so long. Back in middle school he used to tell me that I need to break out of my shell, that I need to put myself out there. I think I've done that, but seeing him again after such a long time made me want to box myself up. 

I held Mr. Demorest in such high esteem in middle school. I still respect him, but seeing him today really kind of pulled me out of my dream-like trance of reality that I've been able to recreate at Sherando. In middle school, I had always been under the impression that he would always be someone that I could talk to. I wanted to keep his attention forever. I wanted to know that he cared. And although I know he still does, it's not the same anymore. Time has passed. He has other students to care for now. I understand that.  I'm probably going to continue with the MAT program and as a result I'll see Mr. Demorest more often. I don't know how that's going to impact me...

The past... I didn't want to be reminded. Aylor has changed. Mr. Demorest has changed, or so it seems that he has. I've changed. I will not let myself get stuck at Aylor. I moved on. It's not the same place anymore. Once upon a time, it was the place I used to love, but no longer. It's not like Aylor was awful, I just don't want to leave any part of myself there. 

...I've made it sound like the MAT program was horrible, but it wasn't and it's not. I got to interact with some really amazing kids. I enjoyed being with them and I'd like to spend more time with them. I just need to take care to not think about the place I used to know. 

Side Note: Title of post is from a song called Somewhere Only We Know by Keane. 

EDIT: Wow...I'm really angsty. Angst, angst, angst. Eww. I need to not be like this anymore.

Unedited Thoughts

When I decided to take my break from blogging, I had wanted to be away for a month. That didn't work though. While I was away, I was thinking. Instrumental music helps me dig up old emotions and current emotions and just reflect on them. Of course, my thoughts get a little...well, I'll just let you see for yourself.

9/23/12:

Don't ever "give" your heart to someone. It will be thrown around, kicked, and beaten. But perhaps the scariest thing that can happen is that someone will treasure it. Someone will care for it and protect it. In the world today, it seems that people will care for your heart until you are no longer of any great use. How can you tell if people are sincere? Why subject yourself to that kind of pain? Don't ever "give" your heart to someone. You might never get it back. And then what would be left of you? 

The past. We left it covered in glass. I know why I feel trapped. I know why I can't move. I know why I can't reach out and feel you there. I've been sealed in the glass. I can't feel myself here anymore.  

At some point in life, we struggle to express ourselves. I've never really been able to express the way I feel accurately enough. I'm not an artist of any kind. I do not draw. I do not paint. I do not play a single instrument. I do not write. I do not act. I don't have any of that and I feel like that contributes to why I can't express who I am. Well, sort of. I've been thinking too much again...

9/24/12:

Freedom. The feeling of being free. There are people we meet who set us free. They teach us to breathe. They teach us to live. And they are irreplaceable. But those are the people who we are fated to lose. They are not bound to anyone. They are free. 

Why do other people believe in us when we don't even believe in ourselves? People say that if you don't believe in yourself, then no one will. Why does that seem like such a lie?  

People say that you meet your real friends in college. I can't bring myself to believe that. I refuse to believe it, even though I've seen it happen. But what about the friends I've made throughout high school and even before then? Do they not matter? Unlike some of my other peers, I don't "clean" my slate after each year has passed.

I don't throw people away intentionally. I hope no one has felt that I've thrown them away. It's happened to me before. It's happening now. I want to stand up and stop it, but why should I? Yes, I have extremely low self-esteem and yes, I feel like I'm garbage when people toss me out. I'm one of those people who unfortunately believes that they're worthless no matter what they say or do. A person who lacks purpose. But of course, that's my depressed, negative self talking. It's not a lie or some fantasy I've cooked up, I really do feel that way sometimes. It's not so much the fault of other people as it is my own.

I know how foolish I am when it comes to friendships. I'd rather be a fool than anything else. I don't want to lose people, but I know I will. It's happening. One by one, they'll all turn and walk away. I understand that they have to. But I don't like it. If that's the reality of life, why do we have friends to begin with?

9/27/12:

Heh, I always end up insisting that I'm not intelligent. Mrs. Britton and I chatted today. She thinks I'm intelligent. I guess I am to an extent, but I don't see myself as intelligent when mostly everyone else around me is so much smarter. Why do people think I'm smart? I'm not really trying to be modest, I just don't think a lot of myself. I could be more knowledgeable. I wish I had worked harder when I was younger. I know I should believe in myself more and not be so hard on myself, but I can't help it. I've become so used to doing things for other people. My grades, they're not for me as much as they are for the people around me. I feel like I have to be perfect and infallible. The intelligence I'm told that I have is for display. I wish it wasn't, but I feel like I have to prove that I'm not the fool that I think I am. It's nice to hear people say I'm intelligent and it's funny too because I'm always trying to refute it. I don't believe in myself enough yet. I haven't found that middle ground between humble and arrogant. I'm working on it...

That was all over the place...

9/29/12:

I finally went to Walmart to pick up my two new pairs of glasses. I decided that the blue frames will become my normal pair while the thicker purplish-pinkish will be reserved for when I decide to dress up...or for when I feel like wearing them. My new glasses feel and look weird. I don't think the blue frames suit me well. I like my old glasses, the burgundy frames. Those are really old, at least four years old. I like them though. I feel like they suited me well. I don't particularly like thick frames, which are in style now. Well, I don't like them for myself. They look fine on other people. I just think I'm better suited to thin frames. I wonder if anyone will notice that I have new glasses. I won't feel upset if no one notices. I usually don't notice stuff like that on other people. I guess I need to get used to these blue frames even if I don't want to. 

Okay, now it's time for me to comment on all of that. I'm sure you noticed the colours. I did that on purpose because for the first two days I listed, I had multiple thoughts that I wrote about. Each one of those thoughts from 9/23 and 9/24 were brought on because of instrumental music. The thoughts from 9/27 and 9/29 were based on real events, whereas the previous two were purely ideas and feelings. In my present state, I probably would want to take back some of these old thoughts. I won't though, because what I said was reflective of how I was feeling. 

One other thing, I've already gotten used to my new glasses...haha.

Blog Name Change

If you have been following me, I have two things to say:
1) Thanks for following me!
2) I've changed the name of my blog.

My blog formerly known as 'The Thoughts and Life of a Dreamer' has a new name, 'Reveal.' 

3 Main Reasons (for the change): 
-The name was a mouthful.
-The name sounded blah.
-And the name didn't feel right because of previous two reasons.

It's true that I think of myself as a dreamer, but my blog has become more of me revealing my thoughts and life to a known and unknown audience...I really just like the word 'reveal' and the idea of having a one word blog name.

ALSO, I'm back...

I have a lot of weirdo thoughts to share with you guys! Weirdo thoughts coming to a blog post near you. Kidding! But I really am going to pick up blogging again. I wanted a bit of a break. I actually wanted to be away for a month, but because of the blog name change I decided to come back and explain it. 

...I changed the colours and format of my blog too. You like?

WHY?

People think I'm innocent and sweet. Some think I don't know what they really do, but I do. I'm not that stupid. Others have told me of their experiences and habits in such casual tones. And all I really want to know is WHY?

Why is being a drinker and/or a marijuana lover socially accepted? Why is it okay? 

Back in my junior year, I sort of began to not care what people did. At the same time though, I wished nothing more than for them to stop. Now, I'm back at the stance I started out on. I just want people to stop, but I know they won't.

Apparently, it's fun to get drunk and high. I wouldn't know though. I don't care to know. It's not my idea of a fun time.

Why do I sound so worried and/or ticked off? Because people I care about do this crap. I get it, it's fun for them. It's something they like, so they do it. It's a tool for some to get away from people, stress, and real life. I get it. But at the same time, no...I don't get it. I don't get it at all.

Tell me, how am I supposed to react when one of my best friends announces to me that she drinks? What do I say to the guy who's okay with getting high just because he made a promise to a bunch of other people to do so? And what about the girl I've known since forever who does both of these things?

I know, I bet I sound like I'm overreacting. Some people would tell me to mind my own business and let people do what they want to do. Believe me when I say that's what I've done and sometimes it makes me feel disgusted with myself.

A few friends and I have this joke that I'll be their designated driver when we're all 21. It's just a joke that comes up from time to time. It doesn't particularly bother me, but I don't want it to be reality.

Part of me has been saying that if something happens to one of my friends because of their choices, I might be there, but I won't be kind. If something terrible happens to any of them, I want them to know that. Sure, even this part of me would be sad if a friend died because of this stuff, but this side is also saying that they deserved it.

I'll never understand why people will throw away their lives when they have so much potential. There are so many others who deserve to live.

I'm annoyed. I'm worried. I'm angry. I hate this. I'm indifferent about this. I'm overreacting. I don't care. I do care. I'm not making sense.

And yes, if I sound like I don't know anything, it's because I don't.

I'm just...I don't even know.

Let me see how many other friends of mine I'll discover as having this kind of a life.

EDIT: I need to calm down...geez, younger me. People will do what they want to do. 

1984

I guess this is a good time to talk about 1984. I'm not quite in the zone like I was on Friday during English, but I'll still give it a go. On Friday, I realized that I actually like 1984 a lot more than I thought I did. My reason? Discussion. That's it. Discussing the book made me like it more. It's not so much the book itself that I enjoyed, but the message of the book and what the author wanted to say. It might be wrong of me to add this, but the only part of the book I loved was the torture and questioning. That's when I started thinking more in depth.

This is, in my opinion, one of those books that can screw you over really badly. It's scary how many similarities can be found between the book and life today. I don't like that. It bothers me. What if everything I know is a lie? Where is the past but in our own minds? There is no evidence of the past besides documentation, in the form of writing or pictures, and memory. And when documentation is gone, it becomes my memory against another person's. But memory can be altered as well, memory can be tampered with. How can I know anything for sure then?

Mrs. Adams-Legge (my English teacher) said that the book is supposed to make us think. It's supposed to make us question things. I mean, for all I know, 2+2 could equal 5. But maybe I'm thinking too much and just being dramatic. Who knows?

Keith

No, I don't know a person named Keith. I'm talking about the 2008 movie starring Jesse McCartney and Elisabeth Harnois. I watched it on what I considered to be late on Thursday night, but was technically early Friday morning; I didn't sleep until three. I really loved the movie. It was somewhat typical I suppose, but it reached me. It made me cry. Let me tell you a little bit about it. 

The movie is basically about the relationship that develops between this girl named Natalie and this guy named Keith. Natalie is your typical popular intelligent girl that you see in books, TV shows, and other movies. Her supposed goal is to make it into Duke on a tennis scholarship, but it's not really her dream. Now, Keith is very strange. He does what he wants and doesn't live by the rules. He's awfully carefree and he loves his yellow truck. Anyway, Natalie and Keith get paired together in chemistry. Their relationship gradually develops from there. Keith and Natalie end up spending a lot of time together, despite the fact that Natalie has a boyfriend named Rafael. BUT, there's a twist in Natalie and Keith's story. Natalie finds out that Keith is on antidepressants and later finds out that he is dying of cancer. Natalie becomes upset because Keith did not tell her. Of course, they make up and Natalie helps Keith come to terms with leaving. Natalie graduates from high school and it is assumed that Keith has passed away. By the end of the movie, Natalie has become very much like Keith and sets out to fulfill Keith's dream of attending a truck festival. 

One of my favorite scenes in the movie is where Keith and Natalie are laying in the back of his yellow truck at the cliff (Keith's spot), which overlooks "The Brick" (the place where the populars hang out). Natalie notices the truck moving and gets out. She frantically screams at Keith to jump to safety, but Keith isn't listening to her. At the last second, he jumps into the front seat and stops the truck. Natalie gets angry and asks him if he was trying to kill himself. The funny part is that the opening scene shows Natalie in the back of Keith's truck. Towards the end of the movie, it continues the opening scene and Natalie does just as Keith did. She waits until the last second to stop the truck. 

There were a lot of other really nice and/or funny scenes throughout the movie as well. Another one of my favorite scenes was probably the "bowling" scene. Keith picks Natalie up at 4 in the morning and they go "bowling." By "bowling," I mean that Keith convinces Natalie to put bowling balls onto people's lawns and/or porches (can't really remember), including their chemistry teacher. They also go to a diner and end up leaving their two remaining bowling balls, Cosmo and Patsy, with a note saying to take care of them. It's a pretty funny scene, but mostly because of the music. 

Time to be serious! I really enjoyed the movie because of how Keith changes Natalie. The more time Natalie spends with Keith, the more she is set free. And I liked that. The other thing I really liked was that Keith didn't tell her about having cancer. I guess it's an important detail, but it's not like he's obligated to tell her. He just wanted to have fun with his remaining time. 


...I bet most of this doesn't make any sense, which is why you should watch the movie! It's on Netflix! Also, it has a really nice soundtrack. Listen to the soundtrack and maybe it will convince you to watch the movie. 

Labor Day Weekend

I had a fairly nice weekend. I went to my brother's (Rehaan) house on Friday night. Nothing too special happened on Friday night, except for having spaghetti and meatballs for dinner. I spent my Saturday doing nothing of particular interest or fun until the afternoon and the evening. My sister-in-law, Farah, and I watched some Ugly Betty together. Love that show! We met my sister, Aisha, at the Cheesecake Factory for dinner; it was my first time going there. After that, my sister and I went to Macy's where I got my first pair of Levi's; I actually got 3 pairs of high rise Levi's and they feel incredible. On Sunday, we (my dad, my brother, my sister-in-law, my sister, and I) went to ISNA. The bazaar was insane. Muslims are crazy, or rather "Muslims be crazy" (thanks Deepak). I rode the metro for the very first time and it made me think of 5 Centimeters Per Second. Back at my brother's house that night, Farah, Aisha, and I watched Ugly Betty and The Princess Bride. And that takes us to today, which was somewhat fun since I met up with Lauren and Kasey. 

That's my brief explanation of my weekend. It went better than I expected. 

Second Day of Senior Year

Today was my first Day 2 of senior year. I wanted to share my Day 2, how I felt and stuff. I'm not doing this for tomorrow or any other day after this unless it's special or of importance. 

Anyway, Elizabeth picked me up again. Once at school, I met up with my auditorium crew. I finally gave Kasey her birthday present. We stood around and chatted until the bell. It felt nice. I had wanted to go see Mrs. Britton, but I didn't want to pull myself away. 

AP Calculus was first up today. I love Mrs. Berry! She's so awesome. I'm so glad I have her. I feel nervous about math though. I need to do well. I'm planning on having a study group. 

Web Tech was the class that followed. I'll be honest, it was slightly boring, but that's only because of all of the rules and such. I love Mrs. Ritter though, and I think I'm going to enjoy the class when things get moving. Maybe I'll develop a creative side. 

Lunch was nice. I saw Aarti and chatted with her and Casey. I've missed Aarti. I don't see her often so it's really great when I do. She's so easy to talk to. Study hall was fun. I was blabbing to Kaelyn and Julia...I can't call it conversing since I did most of the talking. 

I was dreading Med Systems, but it turned out to be okay. There were three nice things that happened during this class today: 

1) Matthew, the junior who sat behind me yesterday, kind of asked me for help with math. Right after he had asked, our teacher decided to give us assigned seats...in alphabetical order. I felt slightly upset because I don't think I was able to help Matthew and also because we have to sit in alphabetical order. (No one likes sitting in the front!) I thought the assigned seats would bring an end to all conversation with him...NOPE!

2) We all logged into the computers and went to the S drive to look at pictures. Why? Simple, we were told to. I stumbled upon a picture advertising the RCL (Red Carpet Lounge) and that's when Morgan and I started to recall our freshman year. We had Computer Apps right at the end of the day and I remember that she and a couple of other girls would always buy skittles. Recollection of our freshman year was nostalgic. It's amazing how much I've forgotten. I wonder what my juniors are up to and what they're doing now. (Well, they were my juniors when I was in freshman year. I guess they're second years in college now.)

3) Med Systems is kind of going to be like Honors Human Anatomy & Physiology all over again, except it won't be. I'll be re-learning old material and adding new terminology and information to what I already know, but it's not the same. Med Systems will never replace Anatomy. I don't expect it to be as fun as Anatomy was, but it might be a little bit of fun along the way. (I might actually be considered smart in this class!)

And last but not least, there was Sociology. It's an amazing class. (Claire, if you're reading this, I want you to know that you were right. I do like sociology.) I learned that I cannot tell when people are lying. I also cannot trick other people into thinking that my lies are the truth. Basically, I'm not cut out for lying. Oh, and I can't write the alphabet backwards in 30 seconds... When we were forced to introduce ourselves at the beginning of class, Mr. Walker asked us to tell the class what our favorite colour is. I honestly don't have a favorite colour, but I always say green; I think my favorite colour just changes a lot. (It might be dependent on my mood. I was tempted to say blue.) Colour psychology is interesting to me. 

I didn't take the bus home today. Alley and Taylor dropped me off at home instead. 

And that's my Day 2... it must not make sense to anyone, but I don't even know where to start explaining things. I won't do this for tomorrow, I promise! 

First Day of Senior Year

The first day of my senior year...so surreal. It felt too much like a dream. That feeling will pass soon enough though. 

Elizabeth picked me up this morning and drove me to school. I'm so lucky to have friends that are willing to take me to school. Before I stopped by the auditorium to meet up with my usual morning crew, I met Tianhui by chance. After hugging my morning crew and chatting for a bit, I rushed off to the library to meet the crazies. (Sarah, if you are reading this, I don't have an answer to your question. Also, I left before you could continue the awkwardness. Saved by the bell!)

First up was AP English, the only class I have with Casey, which is so depressing. I think English will be fun. I have a small group of people that I can talk to and we all sit near each other for the most part so it'll be a fun year...hopefully!

AP Physics was surprisingly a fun time. The new teacher is really nice and a lot of fun too. Physics will probably be the class that I do the worst in. My mind is not wired for physics. Luckily, the new teacher is supposed to be good so maybe I can learn something. 

Lunch and study hall were fine, nothing too special there. 

Med Systems, oh dear. This is the class I have every single day for the rest of my senior year. It's rather depressing to me at this point since most of the class consists of juniors. I was able to strike up conversation with one of the juniors though. I think I'll be able to become friends with him, I hope. 

And last but not least, US Government. Paul and I got stuck in a class full of potheads (those were not my words, he's the one who pointed it out). Surprisingly, I didn't get bored like I had expected to. I was actually interested in what Mr. Davis said. 

I rode the bus home instead of hitching a ride back with Elizabeth, even though I probably could have. It felt strange and funny to do so. I can't wait to see how Day 2 goes.

Did I bore you?

A Blissful Afternoon

Today, I went to Haley's house for lunch. She came to pick me up after gov school, and off we went. When we arrived, Mittens (THE CAT! SOOOOO CUTE!) led us to the house. I'm not even joking, that adorable cat led the way. (I'm a cat person; all of this talk about Mittens is kind of irrelevant though.) Shortly after arriving, Haley's mum, Abby (her sister), Haley, and I went outside to eat lunch. We had pesto pasta and buttered rolls, if you were wondering. It was really good. I like food.

After eating, the Gibbsters and I went inside and up to her room to hang out. We chatted a little bit and watched a couple of things. She finally got to see my hair. She seemed to be pretty excited, seeing as she combed my hair... After that, we put on this stuff (see picture below). It was really fun to see my face all green and have my hair up. I mean it, my hair was UP! Fun experience and very relaxing. Can't wait to do it again!

But the relaxation and enjoyment didn't stop there! We went outside and had ice cream and lychee tea. While outside, we talked about colleges and things like that. It was a peaceful time. After some time, we went back inside and upstairs to Haley's room. She showed me commonapps.com commonapp.org, which is really going to help with applications for college.

Being with Haley for the afternoon was honestly really wonderful. I felt so at ease. My worries and negativity wash away when I'm with her. She knows how to make people feel good. She's a great person to talk to. I don't hang out with Haley that often since she's always so busy, but I'm hoping that will change. I like being around Haley. I'm definitely glad that I met her and became friends with her in freshman year.

Life is good. :)

Absolutes

I went to Taylor's today to watch some anime with her and Alley. We watched seven episodes of Pandora Hearts. I really like it so far, even though it was somewhat confusing in the beginning. It's made me think a little bit. In one of the episodes, Oz tells Gilbert that he doesn't believe in absolutes. When Oz said that, it made me realize how much I wish I could believe in absolutes and how much I have/do. How many times have I said the words always and forever to people, only to not be there at all? How many times have other people given me false reassurance like I've given them? I don't know. Part of me does believe in absolutes, but she's a hopeful, an optimist, a dreamer. I want all of me to believe in absolutes but I can't, not when the other part of me knows that they don't exist.

Regret

This morning, I started reading a manga called Orange. There's only four chapters so far and I only managed to read two of them. I'll explain why after I give a short summary of what the manga is about. Basically, this girl receives a letter from herself in the future; her future self is ten years older than she is at the present time of the story. The purpose of the letter is for her to change things, to not make the same mistakes. The girl's future self doesn't want her to carry regret for the rest of her life. In the letter, it says that one of her friends is no longer there, because he dies. So I guess, the real purpose of the letter is to save her friend from an accident that could have been prevented. "Saving Kakeru is our penance."

I couldn't read chapter three. I will eventually, but not today. It hurt too much to go further. I realized that I don't want to have regrets that will pain me for the rest of my life. I have at least a couple of regrets and I don't want to live with them forever. I don't want my future self to have too many regrets. I hope she doesn't...

Coloured Years

I was thinking about school today, high school to be exact. I'm a senior now. Oh how the time has passed. I'm wondering how my last year at Sherando will be coloured. 

Freshman year was violet. I was just starting out at Sherando. I didn't know everyone. I didn't know how things would turn out. It was all cloaked in mystery. I guess that violet colour became some other colour as the year went by. Maybe it became some shade of blue or orange, or even red. I became used to being at Sherando. I wasn't overflowing with happiness, but I was happy.

Sophomore year. For some reason, I have to think about this year the most. I don't know what colour to give it. There was definitely some orange there. It was slightly black and yellow in the fall. Some blue and bits of red. I don't really know. I was content during sophomore year, mostly during the second half of the year.

Junior year was interesting. There were a lot of colours. There was a lot of black and yellow in the first half of the year. In this year just as during sophomore year, yellow does not represent happiness. Rather, black and yellow paired together represent worry and despair in the least. It was also representative of that overwhelming feeling of death that I had. There was lots of blue, because I felt sad and lonely. That blue became green, and with the green came orange and red, maybe even a slight hint of pink. The few months that made up my junior year were worth it.

How will my last year at Sherando be coloured? Who's going to colour it? For right now, my senior year is all violet. It won't stay violet for long.

Side Notes:

- Yes, I know that black is technically the absence of colour. What of it? 

- Also, I like the spelling of colour. It looks prettier with a 'u' instead of without it.

- Each colour mentioned represents how I felt or how I remember feeling. Since freshman and sophomore year aren't as recent as junior year, I don't really remember how to colour them.

- I like colours and their meanings. Everyone sees them in a different way.

Feelings Figured Out

I'm an emotional person. Some say that I think too much and look into things too deeply. Such is the case with my on/off feelings about the person I like. Through the help of a few close friends, I sorted out my feelings. I'm not in love, but there is someone I care about a great deal. There is someone who is very special to me. I'm only seventeen, too young to truly love and understand what love really is. I'll understand someday. And whatever happens, happens.

Happier Days

Take me back to May, when there were happier days...

June flew by in overall satisfaction.

Then there came July, when illness struck and fatigue stayed by my side. 

As mid-August approaches, a lingering sadness surfaces and takes up residence. 

Take me back to May, when the sadness rarely had a chance to invade...

If You Give a Rabbit a Car...

Does everyone remember If You Give a Mouse a Cookie? If you don't know what I'm talking about, go read it; it's a children's book so it won't take long to finish. Back in elementary school, we had to write our own versions of it. I always laugh at mine because it's so ridiculous. I guess I was a funny kid sometimes. 

If You Give A Rabbit A Car

     If you give a rabbit a car he will ask for the keys to the car. If you give him the keys he will start to drive it. if he starts driving he will crash the car. When he crashed the car he will ask to be taken to the hospital. When he is at the hospital the police come and ask him if he has any license. He will tell them he has no license then he will tell the police that you didn't take him to learn how to drive or to get his license. When the police find out you didn't take him to learn how to drive or get any license they will sell your house and take you to jail. When they take you to jail they say you will be there for 2 years then they ask the rabbit if he wants to learn how to drive. He says yes he wants to learn how to drive a car so the police take him to learn how to drive their car. When they teach him how to drive a car and he gets his license you get out of jail. When you get out of jail you give the rabbit a car to drive.

Props to you if you were able to get through that. I will remind you that I wrote that in elementary school, which is why there are no commas. It's also why it doesn't make much sense, but that's why it's so funny. I hope you didn't suffer too much!

I always wanted to rewrite this...so it had proper punctuation and correct grammar. I never got around to it and probably won't. It's better to leave it as is. The more I look at this, the more I realize that I was kind of an odd child. The idea of the rabbit crashing the car was and still kind of is funny to me. Part of me doesn't like that I find/found it to be funny, but I can't help that I find/found it to be funny. I like how the house gets sold, hahaha.

I was such a weird kid. My sense of humor was strange, and still is.

Did I Really Write This?

I found a paper that I wrote in 8th grade. Reading it now, I've realized that my opinion and the way I feel about who my friends are might have actually changed a bit. I can't believe I'm doing this, but I'll let you read what I wrote back in 8th grade. Keep in mind that it's been a few years since then. Before I start, I'd like to mention that I never titled this paper for some reason. Also, I probably have a ton of mistakes in regards to grammar and such.

     What exactly is a friend? A friend has many traits, both good and bad. Often times the good traits cross out the bad. Good friends are loyal, loving, trustworthy, and they know just how to lift your spirits when you're feeling down.

     Friends who care are always there for you. They may not always understand but they do their best to support you. There's been days when I've been depressed, confused, or angry but my friends were there to sort out my tangled emotions. 

     Can you keep a secret? Secrets happen to be a big part of trust. By telling someone a secret you give them the power to go off and spread a rumor. True friends, however, will keep your trust. My trust has been betrayed a few times before so I don't trust people so easily. 

     Has there ever been a day when you wanted to break down in tears? It's times like those that you really need a friend. Somehow, friends always know how to bring that sunshine out from behind the clouds. No matter how much you cry or what the reason is for you crying, your friends know how to make you smile and laugh. 

     Loyalty, trust, and the ability to make a frown turn upside down are some of the qualities I look for in a friend. Without my friends I might not have made it this far. I'm glad I have the friends that I have. The best thing about my friends is that they love me for me. 

Eeek, there must have been something wrong with me in 8th grade, because I'm pretty sure I'm missing a lot of needed commas. The more I look at this, the more I wonder what was going on with me back then. It's been a few years since I wrote this and I definitely have a lot to comment on, but I won't touch upon every little thing. 

First of all, I don't like how I seem so centered around my friends. I mean, I love my friends, but I place a high importance on my family as well. I guess it just sounds so friend centered because that's what this paper was/is all about. 

Look at how funny I am. "Friends who care..." Let me just say one thing: I can't be friends with someone who doesn't care about me. In any friendship, there has to at least be a sliver of caring present. 

Secrets? Yeah, I have secrets. Trust? Now that I think about it, I don't think I've ever really had my trust betrayed. Trust is still an issue for me though. I consider myself to be a pretty open person, but I am foolish. I am foolish because I trust that people won't hurt me. That's complete folly. People always hurt you, even if they don't mean to. I don't like being thrown away, and I sincerely hope that no one has ever felt that I've thrown them away. 

I'm not good with people who are crying. That's funny because I cry a lot. Some things don't change. My friends are still very good at cheering me up. But I've realized that it's nice to have friends who can make you cry too. I have a friend who is a professional when it comes to making me cry. That friend doesn't even have to try very hard. I like that. 

"I'm glad I have the friends that I have." <---- This hasn't changed, it's still true. 

I probably should stop with all this talk of friendship, but I can't help it. I have so much to say, even though most of it is all the same. Anyway, this paper from 8th grade is kind of embarrassing. I can't help but wonder if I'm still the same as I was then. I don't think I am, but who really knows?

A Moment of Mixed Emotions

There are some moments that cannot be described in words. I am about to try to describe such a moment, but I know I will fail. I will fail because the feelings expressed in the moment won't translate to you. It doesn't hurt to try though. 

Picture this: A group of friends sitting together, talking and laughing about the happenings of the evening and making fun of each other. This moment is broken by very special news. One of the friends announces that she is pregnant. Her husband is sitting on the arm of the long couch right next to her. Her friends ask her questions and make comments. She answers the questions and talks about the way she feels and such. And as this all occurs, her husband is playing with locks of her hair. It's a heartwarming scene. 

In all of the excitement, there is a lingering sadness. One friend is not present at this announcement. It's not because she doesn't want to be there, but because she's been gone for close to 2 years now. She would have been so happy to hear the news. She would have cried tears of joy for her dear friend, making her friend cry as well. Shazia would have been so happy last night, because last night was the engagement party of a close friend and another friend close to her heart made a special announcement.

In every big moment, you can find two different emotions. You just need to know how to feel for both of them. True happiness and true sadness are always easy to find, because they stem from the heart...always. 


Side Note: This post was more for me so that I don't forget the moment. 

Writing Again

Well, here I am for the second time today. I feel like writing again, but I don't have anything to say. Actually, I do, but that's a special post. I'll get to that post after I finish this boring one.

I feel anxious right now. I don't know why, maybe it's because I haven't taken my meds yet. I've started to take them late in the morning and in the evening. It's not good, I know. I don't even take that many anymore, but it's still hard. Oh crap...I totally forgot to take one of my meds this morning. I completely forgot that it was Sunday. I guess it's okay to miss one dose. I mean, I take this missed med only three times a week. I didn't mean to miss the dose. It was an accident and accidents happen. Everything will be okay...right? 

I was planning on drafting my letter to my donor family, but I haven't gotten around to it. I really should have sent them a letter by now. I didn't want to send a letter after only a few months because I was trying to be considerate. The family is always going to hurt, but I didn't want to make them hurt more. It's already been 9 months. I really need to send them a letter before school starts. I hope I hear back from them. I want to know about my donor. I need to know about my donor. 

I've started watching anime again. For some reason, I always take a break from it, but it's entirely unintentional every single time. Getting back into anime has been making me feel sad or maybe that's just life. I don't know. I just feel so sad and so pained as of recently. I wonder if it's because things are changing, maybe that's what it is. It's time for me to stand still and readjust. And then I can sink into my world of impossible fantasies again. 

Feeling Lonely

I've realized that I don't like being alone. Every now and then, I like being by myself. After a while though, it just gets lonely. That's when I start to get cranky and snappy. 

I'm the youngest in my family. While my siblings have watched me grow, I've also watched them grow. I've seen them graduate from high school, college, and pretty much all other schooling they've had. I watched them get jobs. I watched a couple of them get married (not all of them are married yet!) and buy houses. One of my brothers even has a daughter. In the shadows of my loneliness, I watched them grow up and become adults. 

I'm still in high school and still at home. My siblings don't come home as often as they used to so it gets lonely. I didn't really have them as I was growing up. I still kind of don't have them as I continue to grow. They have their own lives now. When I was a kid, I had my cousins and friends from school. That was nice, but I was still alone. I still feel alone sometimes.

I'm not exactly the lone wolf type of person, but I very well could have been. My guidance counselor in middle school was lovely. I liked him a lot. He used to tell me that I need to break out of my shell, that I need to put myself out there. I guess I was one of the quieter kids in middle school. I went through a tough time in 7th grade. I think that might have made me pull back even further within myself. 

If I went back in time, I think I'd probably slap middle school me. Middle school me was depressing and had issues. I'll give myself a break for the beginning of 7th grade. That was a difficult time.

I bet some people are thinking that if I don't want to be lonely, I should just hit up some friends and do something. I do that sometimes and other times I wait to be asked to do something. It's probably just my own fault that I feel lonely. I just need something to do with my life. 

Death and Sorrow

The sun is shining outside. There seems to be a slight breeze, but I bet it feels pretty hot anyway. I'm sitting in the living room stealing glances at the trees and the little bits of the sky within my range of vision. I have my thinking face on, which I guess makes me appear sad or troubled because my father always asks me if I'm okay whenever he sees me like this.

I was thinking about death just now. I'm not afraid to die. I've been within the realm of the dying. I want to be able to welcome death when it's time. I could have sworn it was my time to go almost a year ago. To this day though, I'm still dying and so is everyone else around me. From the day we are born, we are dying. Someone once told me something like that. I guess it sounds depressing, but I don't see it that way.

If you had the power to bring back the dead, would you? I think I would want to, but I would never be able to bring myself to do it. Bringing the dead back seems cruel in a way. The dead need to be left alone. Ah, I don't sound like my "normal" self right now. I've gone out of it, but let me continue and see where I go.

Can you see sorrow in the eyes of others? I can't. People seem to find hidden sorrow lingering in mine.  When people find sorrow, they wonder what the cause is, what the reason is. Very few care to bother finding out. And the ones that do find out, they forget and push it to the back of their mind or out of their mind. They don't ask questions. They don't try to comfort you. They go back to normal because your loss has nothing to do with them. At the same time though, each person faces their own struggles so the other person can't truly be blamed. We all live different lives. We all have different struggles. We can only be there for each other so much.

Hiiiii

Hiiiiiii guys! I felt like writing something. I don't write as frequently as I used to. I was full of things to say back in May for some reason, but not so much anymore. I think that's due to the fact that it's summer and I haven't been in school. Well, sort of.

I'm actually in school. As you all should know by now from all of my lovely complaining, I'm in two math classes. I just finished my last test for my online math class. If I'm lucky, my average will be an 85 and I'll be exempt from my final...but it doesn't look like that's happening. I'm pretty sure I just lost my 4.0 GPA. As for my other class, which is not online, I'm behind. I need to do some heavy work for that class tomorrow. I'm getting an incomplete for the class, but hopefully I'll finish it off with an A of some sort. It'll help balance out my devastating grade that I'll probably be receiving in my online half of Pre-Cal. I guess I deserve the upcoming demotion in GPA since I didn't work hard enough in math. Look at me, I'm being so negative. Well, at least I'm myself.

Besides math, I haven't been up to much. I went to Lauren's house today. Megan came over and we basically just sat on the couch. We really didn't do anything, but it was nice to be with them. Unfortunately, I didn't get to see Casey on Thursday. She's definitely coming over one of these days before school starts. Claire and I are planning a picnic or trying to. I haven't seen Sarah and Brittany, but will hopefully catch them again before school starts. Well, I guess it doesn't matter since I'll be seeing them around. You don't get rid of those two that easily, or rather I won't ever be free of those two. I don't want to be free of them. I'm strangely more creative and imaginative around those two than anyone else. Alley and Taylor, I have a good feeling that I'll see them a couple more times this summer. Kasey fell off the planet, like she does every summer, and magically reappeared so I should be seeing her soon. As for Matthew, Elizabeth, and Paul...well, we always say we're going to see each other over the summer and then we only see each other once. I need to start making some plans to see people. That must have been boring for you to read, sorry for that. Well, at least you know that I'll be making plans and trying to stay busy.

Thanks to the Valcyte I've been taking, my CMV copies have decreased. The initial amount of copies made me laugh because there were so many and now there aren't nearly as many. As much as I hate taking medicine, it's always been a small price for me to pay even though it never feels like it. I wasn't meant to be whatever "normal" is in terms of health.

In other news, I'm close to finishing season three of Merlin. I'm being driven crazy by my peers who are looking at colleges and getting accepted to colleges. I know I should be doing the same, but I don't know if I'm ready to do that. I already know where I'm probably headed. I have to do what's convenient for my father and my siblings, at least for now. When I figure out what I really want, I'll be sure to go for it. That old dream of walking through Johns Hopkins as doctor and not a patient is suddenly drifting back to me, but do I want it that badly? I don't know yet.

Still Alive

Well, I guess today has been a good day. I returned to math class at LFCC. I was welcomed back by the guys, who sit behind me and Allie, with remarks of "Fawzie!" and "Shiny!" At my desk was a lovely flower pen that Allie had made for me. She made the flower part, not the pen. It's nice to know that I was missed. I missed those three and this other chick a lot. Class is amusing and bearable because of those four people. 

Enough about class, my dad made lamb chops today! Such good food! I love when my dad makes lamb chops, but it's more fun when my siblings are home to eat with us. We're a family that likes to eat. I remember the last time my dad made lamb chops, my brother was eating some rice along with them. I basically took his bowl and finished it. It's all good though, he found something else to devour. I like eating off of my siblings, because food looks and tastes so much better when it's theirs.

Today, I discovered that my math teacher knows Sarah. It was really unbelievable. I totally wasn't expecting to hear my teacher say that we have a friend in common. The funny part is that we both agreed upon how lively of a person Sarah happens to be. 

I haven't been hanging out with too many people lately. I was with Alley and Taylor on Saturday though, which was really nice. It had been so long since I had seen them. Turns out I wasn't the only one missing them, they were missing me too. I'm hoping to see Casey later in the week. I've been missing her dearly. After this weekend passes, I will be seeing Claire again.

Oh yes, I suppose I should mention that it's Ramadan. I haven't been fasting. I'm not allowed to. I know I was just sick for about two weeks and that I've contracted CMV (cytomeglovirus) but it still feels unfair. My dad thinks it's best if I don't fast. And my cardiologist, she would have it out with me if I even asked her. Like one of my older brothers said to me, she would probably come over and make me eat. It's understandable why I shouldn't be fasting and why I'm not, but it still bothers me. I feel as though I'll never be able to fast again, because I'm a cardiac transplant patient. I know that I need to take care of myself. But sometimes I can't help but wish that I had been normal in terms of my health. It is one of my hopes that people who are healthy realize how fortunate they are. 

I was thinking about how I know people who are absolutely perfect for each other, but they're so darn blind to what their relationship could be if they only gave it a chance. That's always bothered me. There are some people who obviously should be together, but they never see it or they try to deny it. Or they both have feelings for each other and never admit it. Or one of them has feelings for the other and the other is an idiot who doesn't understand their own emotions, therefore missing the opportunity. People and relationships...I just don't get it.  

I guess this is all for now. I really don't have anything interesting to say anymore. My life has become dull. I'm waiting for it to pick up again. Until then, this is all you'll get out of me. Yes, I'm well aware that the order of everything I just wrote doesn't make any sense. Like I said, this is all you're getting out of me.