"It builds character"

I graduated from SU yesterday. What's more surprising was that I didn't cry at all yesterday. I told myself that I would feel differently from when I graduated high school. Honestly, graduating from college is so different from high school. I thought I would feel sadder when I graduated from high school, but I accepted it as it was. I was quite happy throughout graduation yesterday, despite the weather. The heartache, I realized, comes later. There is so much more emotion associated with college.

I'll go back to SU more than a few times this summer, I'm sure. (Probably tomorrow, if I'm being honest.) But it won't be the same anymore. I almost feel like a memory rather than a current existence. I'll never be a student at SU again. I'll never sit in my spot in HLSB to study or do homework or procrastinate. I'll never wander through the hallway on the third floor of HLSB to bother everyone as a student ever again. It's hard to not think of all of the things I'll never do again as a student. Even though I wanted to graduate (and have), I also didn't want to leave. I don't want to be forgotten.

There's a lot of pain and heartbreak in the buildings on campus, in the walls of those buildings, and on the sidewalks. I can still picture some of the memories clearly, I can transpose them onto the surroundings. Some of them happy, some of them not so much, but all of them make me nostalgic. For this reason alone, it'll be good for me to leave and move on. It's about time I pick up my feet and let them take me elsewhere, somewhere away from home and all of the emotion associated with home.

It's funny to think back to freshman year and how painfully awkward and quiet I used to be. I used to think I would never make any friends. And then something beautiful happened and I made friends. Unfortunately, as fate would have it, I didn't get to keep all of them. Time, distance, and different perspectives can really make or break a friendship. I also made mistakes too, and those mistakes costed me a few very precious friendships that I had assumed I would have forever. Do I regret it? Of course, I always will regret that there were people I lost because of my own actions. But some lessons take some hurting to learn from them. And now, I treasure the friends that I have been able to keep all the more. No matter what happens from here on out, I'll remember everyone I held dear at Shenandoah. Memories last for as long as you choose to remember them and I choose to keep all of the ones that I can, no matter how wonderful or awful they may have been.

Thank you to everyone who has been a part of my journey at SU, especially my family, my friends (those that I've made along the way and those who have been there from before), the professors of the biology department, the professors of the chemistry department, the one man physics department, the best general education professors one could ever have, Tracy, and so many others. And thank you to God, my family, my donor family, and my donor, without whom I would not have had the opportunity to make it this far.

Thank you, SU, for loving me so well despite me being a mess.

So, what's next? Summer. Work. A microeconomics class, much to my discontent. Hopefully lots of reading. Lots of Netflix, of course. Some SU visiting. Hanging out with friends. Spending time with family.

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The title of this blog post is the most annoying and cringeworthy catchphrase I heard over the past four years at SU. Thanks, Dr. Kite.

"I watched the world go round and round and see mine turning upside down"

Hello, friends. The word 'hello' looks weird to me today. It's been a long while since you've heard from me. I'll be back again shortly after this post to commemorate my five year transplant anniversary, but until then I'll leave you with how I've been.

I can't describe the past few weeks, or maybe month, as anything less than physically, emotionally, and mentally draining. In short, I've been something of a mess and it's starting to show in my academic performance and my general appearance and mood. I guess fall break couldn't come at a more appropriate time for me. I hope I can recompose myself to a better version of myself.

Happiness has been in and out of my reaches lately. And it's been a little lonely as far as my social life goes. I don't have much of one anymore--everyone is too busy, I feel really out of place and disconnected, and I'm too tired to do anything. I spend much of my free time with my professors and with a few friendly familiar faces in HLSB and that's about it. I guess that makes me kind of lame, but I take what kindness, humor, and love I can get.

I took my modern physics midterm exam today...or at least semi-tried to. I feel bad for Dr. Bly because he has to try to make sense out of my nonsense. You might be thinking that I'm being too hard on myself, but I promise that I'm not. All of my answers were complete rubbish. I wasn't prepared enough and it's obvious that I didn't learn anything in the past several weeks even though I should have. But I guess that's the price you pay when you jump off a cliff and try to build your wings on the way down. The worst part is how anxious I've been leading up to this midterm and knowing that it's not going to be okay. I used to think that any one of my chemistry classes was my match, but I was wrong. I've met my match and it's irrefutably physics and always will be. Dark, complicated, beautiful physics.

I'm still nowhere close to figuring out what to do after graduation. A lot of people tell me that it's okay, but that's hard to believe. I'm 21 and I don't have a clue. I used to think that I'd be that type of person who just goes to school for the rest of their life, but I'm not sure I could survive that much schooling.

Yesterday, I asked Dr. Haubrick why everyone believes in me except for me and she told me something along the lines of this: "Fawzia's biggest critic is Fawzia." I told Dr. Cantwell today that I think people overestimate me and she basically told me that they (the professors) are right in the way they perceive me, meaning that it's time for me to change the way I think of myself. I want to believe them so badly, but I just can't get my brain on board. And I really can't get it on board after that physics midterm. That's just not going to happen. I've become really great at disappointing lately.

I've been listening to Genesis a lot lately and went through a brief phase of listening to Sting and The Police. I think it's been helping to keep me in check...either that or it's been contributing to my overall gloominess. And I can't tell which it is today because today has been rough.

Sorry 'bout that. I sound too negative, I know. I know it doesn't sound like I am trying, but I am. I am trying. I'm just tired. Forgive me for the stream of negativity that has become this blog post. I'm just tired.

Second Day of Senior Year

Today was my first Day 2 of senior year. I wanted to share my Day 2, how I felt and stuff. I'm not doing this for tomorrow or any other day after this unless it's special or of importance. 

Anyway, Elizabeth picked me up again. Once at school, I met up with my auditorium crew. I finally gave Kasey her birthday present. We stood around and chatted until the bell. It felt nice. I had wanted to go see Mrs. Britton, but I didn't want to pull myself away. 

AP Calculus was first up today. I love Mrs. Berry! She's so awesome. I'm so glad I have her. I feel nervous about math though. I need to do well. I'm planning on having a study group. 

Web Tech was the class that followed. I'll be honest, it was slightly boring, but that's only because of all of the rules and such. I love Mrs. Ritter though, and I think I'm going to enjoy the class when things get moving. Maybe I'll develop a creative side. 

Lunch was nice. I saw Aarti and chatted with her and Casey. I've missed Aarti. I don't see her often so it's really great when I do. She's so easy to talk to. Study hall was fun. I was blabbing to Kaelyn and Julia...I can't call it conversing since I did most of the talking. 

I was dreading Med Systems, but it turned out to be okay. There were three nice things that happened during this class today: 

1) Matthew, the junior who sat behind me yesterday, kind of asked me for help with math. Right after he had asked, our teacher decided to give us assigned seats...in alphabetical order. I felt slightly upset because I don't think I was able to help Matthew and also because we have to sit in alphabetical order. (No one likes sitting in the front!) I thought the assigned seats would bring an end to all conversation with him...NOPE!

2) We all logged into the computers and went to the S drive to look at pictures. Why? Simple, we were told to. I stumbled upon a picture advertising the RCL (Red Carpet Lounge) and that's when Morgan and I started to recall our freshman year. We had Computer Apps right at the end of the day and I remember that she and a couple of other girls would always buy skittles. Recollection of our freshman year was nostalgic. It's amazing how much I've forgotten. I wonder what my juniors are up to and what they're doing now. (Well, they were my juniors when I was in freshman year. I guess they're second years in college now.)

3) Med Systems is kind of going to be like Honors Human Anatomy & Physiology all over again, except it won't be. I'll be re-learning old material and adding new terminology and information to what I already know, but it's not the same. Med Systems will never replace Anatomy. I don't expect it to be as fun as Anatomy was, but it might be a little bit of fun along the way. (I might actually be considered smart in this class!)

And last but not least, there was Sociology. It's an amazing class. (Claire, if you're reading this, I want you to know that you were right. I do like sociology.) I learned that I cannot tell when people are lying. I also cannot trick other people into thinking that my lies are the truth. Basically, I'm not cut out for lying. Oh, and I can't write the alphabet backwards in 30 seconds... When we were forced to introduce ourselves at the beginning of class, Mr. Walker asked us to tell the class what our favorite colour is. I honestly don't have a favorite colour, but I always say green; I think my favorite colour just changes a lot. (It might be dependent on my mood. I was tempted to say blue.) Colour psychology is interesting to me. 

I didn't take the bus home today. Alley and Taylor dropped me off at home instead. 

And that's my Day 2... it must not make sense to anyone, but I don't even know where to start explaining things. I won't do this for tomorrow, I promise! 

First Day of Senior Year

The first day of my senior year...so surreal. It felt too much like a dream. That feeling will pass soon enough though. 

Elizabeth picked me up this morning and drove me to school. I'm so lucky to have friends that are willing to take me to school. Before I stopped by the auditorium to meet up with my usual morning crew, I met Tianhui by chance. After hugging my morning crew and chatting for a bit, I rushed off to the library to meet the crazies. (Sarah, if you are reading this, I don't have an answer to your question. Also, I left before you could continue the awkwardness. Saved by the bell!)

First up was AP English, the only class I have with Casey, which is so depressing. I think English will be fun. I have a small group of people that I can talk to and we all sit near each other for the most part so it'll be a fun year...hopefully!

AP Physics was surprisingly a fun time. The new teacher is really nice and a lot of fun too. Physics will probably be the class that I do the worst in. My mind is not wired for physics. Luckily, the new teacher is supposed to be good so maybe I can learn something. 

Lunch and study hall were fine, nothing too special there. 

Med Systems, oh dear. This is the class I have every single day for the rest of my senior year. It's rather depressing to me at this point since most of the class consists of juniors. I was able to strike up conversation with one of the juniors though. I think I'll be able to become friends with him, I hope. 

And last but not least, US Government. Paul and I got stuck in a class full of potheads (those were not my words, he's the one who pointed it out). Surprisingly, I didn't get bored like I had expected to. I was actually interested in what Mr. Davis said. 

I rode the bus home instead of hitching a ride back with Elizabeth, even though I probably could have. It felt strange and funny to do so. I can't wait to see how Day 2 goes.

Did I bore you?

Coloured Years

I was thinking about school today, high school to be exact. I'm a senior now. Oh how the time has passed. I'm wondering how my last year at Sherando will be coloured. 

Freshman year was violet. I was just starting out at Sherando. I didn't know everyone. I didn't know how things would turn out. It was all cloaked in mystery. I guess that violet colour became some other colour as the year went by. Maybe it became some shade of blue or orange, or even red. I became used to being at Sherando. I wasn't overflowing with happiness, but I was happy.

Sophomore year. For some reason, I have to think about this year the most. I don't know what colour to give it. There was definitely some orange there. It was slightly black and yellow in the fall. Some blue and bits of red. I don't really know. I was content during sophomore year, mostly during the second half of the year.

Junior year was interesting. There were a lot of colours. There was a lot of black and yellow in the first half of the year. In this year just as during sophomore year, yellow does not represent happiness. Rather, black and yellow paired together represent worry and despair in the least. It was also representative of that overwhelming feeling of death that I had. There was lots of blue, because I felt sad and lonely. That blue became green, and with the green came orange and red, maybe even a slight hint of pink. The few months that made up my junior year were worth it.

How will my last year at Sherando be coloured? Who's going to colour it? For right now, my senior year is all violet. It won't stay violet for long.

Side Notes:

- Yes, I know that black is technically the absence of colour. What of it? 

- Also, I like the spelling of colour. It looks prettier with a 'u' instead of without it.

- Each colour mentioned represents how I felt or how I remember feeling. Since freshman and sophomore year aren't as recent as junior year, I don't really remember how to colour them.

- I like colours and their meanings. Everyone sees them in a different way.