9/23/12:
Don't ever "give" your heart to someone. It will be thrown around, kicked, and beaten. But perhaps the scariest thing that can happen is that someone will treasure it. Someone will care for it and protect it. In the world today, it seems that people will care for your heart until you are no longer of any great use. How can you tell if people are sincere? Why subject yourself to that kind of pain? Don't ever "give" your heart to someone. You might never get it back. And then what would be left of you?
The past. We left it covered in glass. I know why I feel trapped. I know why I can't move. I know why I can't reach out and feel you there. I've been sealed in the glass. I can't feel myself here anymore.
At some point in life, we struggle to express ourselves. I've never really been able to express the way I feel accurately enough. I'm not an artist of any kind. I do not draw. I do not paint. I do not play a single instrument. I do not write. I do not act. I don't have any of that and I feel like that contributes to why I can't express who I am. Well, sort of. I've been thinking too much again...
9/24/12:
Freedom. The feeling of being free. There are people we meet who set us free. They teach us to breathe. They teach us to live. And they are irreplaceable. But those are the people who we are fated to lose. They are not bound to anyone. They are free.
Why do other people believe in us when we don't even believe in ourselves? People say that if you don't believe in yourself, then no one will. Why does that seem like such a lie?
People say that you meet your real friends in college. I can't bring myself to believe that. I refuse to believe it, even though I've seen it happen. But what about the friends I've made throughout high school and even before then? Do they not matter? Unlike some of my other peers, I don't "clean" my slate after each year has passed.
I don't throw people away intentionally. I hope no one has felt that I've thrown them away. It's happened to me before. It's happening now. I want to stand up and stop it, but why should I? Yes, I have extremely low self-esteem and yes, I feel like I'm garbage when people toss me out. I'm one of those people who unfortunately believes that they're worthless no matter what they say or do. A person who lacks purpose. But of course, that's my depressed, negative self talking. It's not a lie or some fantasy I've cooked up, I really do feel that way sometimes. It's not so much the fault of other people as it is my own.
I know how foolish I am when it comes to friendships. I'd rather be a fool than anything else. I don't want to lose people, but I know I will. It's happening. One by one, they'll all turn and walk away. I understand that they have to. But I don't like it. If that's the reality of life, why do we have friends to begin with?
9/27/12:
Heh,
I always end up insisting that I'm not intelligent. Mrs. Britton and I
chatted today. She thinks I'm intelligent. I guess I am to an extent,
but I don't see myself as intelligent when mostly everyone else around
me is so much smarter. Why do people think I'm smart? I'm not really
trying to be modest, I just don't think a lot of myself. I could be more
knowledgeable. I wish I had worked harder when I was younger. I know I
should believe in myself more and not be so hard on myself, but I can't
help it. I've become so used to doing things for other people. My
grades, they're not for me as much as they are for the people around me.
I feel like I have to be perfect and infallible. The intelligence I'm
told that I have is for display. I wish it wasn't, but I feel like I
have to prove that I'm not the fool that I think I am. It's nice to hear
people say I'm intelligent and it's funny too because I'm always trying
to refute it. I don't believe in myself enough yet. I haven't found
that middle ground between humble and arrogant. I'm working on it...
That was all over the place...
9/29/12:
I
finally went to Walmart to pick up my two new pairs of glasses. I
decided that the blue frames will become my normal pair while the
thicker purplish-pinkish will be reserved for when I decide to dress
up...or for when I feel like wearing them. My new glasses feel and look
weird. I don't think the blue frames suit me well. I like my old
glasses, the burgundy frames. Those are really old, at least four years
old. I like them though. I feel like they suited me well. I don't
particularly like thick frames, which are in style now. Well, I don't
like them for myself. They look fine on other people. I just think I'm
better suited to thin frames. I wonder if anyone will notice that I have
new glasses. I won't feel upset if no one notices. I usually don't
notice stuff like that on other people. I guess I need to get used to
these blue frames even if I don't want to.
Okay, now it's time for me to comment on all of that. I'm sure you noticed the colours. I did that on purpose because for the first two days I listed, I had multiple thoughts that I wrote about. Each one of those thoughts from 9/23 and 9/24 were brought on because of instrumental music. The thoughts from 9/27 and 9/29 were based on real events, whereas the previous two were purely ideas and feelings. In my present state, I probably would want to take back some of these old thoughts. I won't though, because what I said was reflective of how I was feeling.
One other thing, I've already gotten used to my new glasses...haha.
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