When there is an organ donor, life springs from death

Today marks 8 years since I was successfully transplanted with a healthy heart at Johns Hopkins Hospital. It’s astounding how much time has passed and how quickly time ends up passing. I normally begin writing this blog post the day before, but for some reason I fell asleep early last night and woke up before 2am today so here I am writing some of it now... and here I am at almost 9 in the morning finishing it up. 

I always like to take time to reflect on what has happened to me since that day, whether good or bad. There’s been a lot of both over the past 8 years. Let’s try starting with the good since that’s what I struggle the most with. This summer I went to the UK and met some of my second cousins. It was a refreshing experience. I played mini golf for the first time while I was there and went to see the new Aladdin movie with Aminah. I got to see most of the places where my father used to live while he was in school and doing his post-doc research. When we got back to America, a few of my cousins and I went to this really cute tea shop in Brooklyn. I went to Houston, Texas, for a conference and survived the heat. Claire and I enjoyed many foodie outings and went to the farmer’s market in Leesburg a few times. Shameless plug: we have a shared Instagram now called clawzia_prn and everyone should totally follow us. I survived my hospital rotation and actually really enjoyed it. I’m in my third year of pharmacy school, taking on absolutely more than I probably should, but am somehow still standing upright. I've had many fun evenings with friends, watching movies, talking, and playing games. 

I’m always hyper aware that I probably sound like the most ungrateful person in the world when it comes to talking about my transplant because I think people perceive that I focus on all of the negative things that have happened. But I am grateful. I am grateful. Another year has passed. I’ve met new people, strengthened old friendships. I’m surviving pharmacy school. I’ve been to places I had only ever dreamt of going to. I’ve been on some nice walks. I’ve had many cups of chai. I’ve been on lots of foodie adventures. I’ve taken steps towards taking care of myself mentally and emotionally, something that needed to be done several years ago, but better late than never.

The bad things that come as a result of transplant or after transplant for me still haven’t really changed from years past. My transplant is not a cure. I live with a handful of other conditions in addition to transplant. I never know what exactly is causing the things that are happening to me and no one else knows either. It could be the stress, it could be the meds, it could just be that I’m unlucky in some regards. But I have a much better quality of life now than I did before my transplant.

Sometimes I think about what it would be like if my classmates had to write up a SOAP note on me. It almost wants to make me laugh because of how ridiculously complicated it would be for them, but I’d be interested in knowing what interventions they would want to make on my behalf. I always used to think that I was so complex of a patient that I could qualify being treated by House, but then I realized there’s nothing that he would find intriguing about me. And House only takes cases that are interesting, but I digress.

Sometimes it feels strange to still be here because I never once pictured being here in this moment, in this space, in this time. I never really pictured living long enough to make it through high school if I’m being honest. I look to the future a lot, I try to imagine it, but I don’t usually find myself there. I think it’s because I don’t expect to be there and that’s a reality for me. It doesn’t mean that I don’t hope to be there, but it’s more like me recognizing how precious the time I have is.

I contacted someone recently to find out if my donor family ever received my letter that I wrote when I was in college. They did. But I guess they didn’t know what to say or maybe they didn’t want to say anything. I don’t blame them though. Finding out that they got my letter and not hearing from them has been one of the hardest things to deal with and I haven’t really dealt with it. I’m sad about it, but there’s not much else I can do besides write again and see what happens. Maybe the time just wasn’t right for them, maybe it will never be right. Grief is a non-linear process after all. I don’t expect it to be any easier on them than it is for me after 8 years because it’s still not any easier on me even now.

Every year, I find myself missing her even though I never knew her. When things go wrong, I think about her and try to remind myself that I’m here for a reason. It doesn’t really help, I usually just end up crying more. I hope I get to meet her family one day so that I can tell them thank you in person and give them the biggest hugs. And if by some chance I'm not able to meet them, I hope they know how much their decision 8 years ago means to me. 

I've run out of things to say now. I just hope this post doesn't come across as sounding insincere because I am grateful for this second shot at life. I've been able to do so much, see so much, experience so much. I guess one thing that surprises me as I look back is that the way they decide who gets an organ is based on a bunch of criteria, one of them being how sick you are. I remember what it felt like to be that sick, to have made it to the top of the transplant list, and it's not a place I want to find myself again because it's scary and life is full of no guarantees. I was just really fortunate. Anyway, that was just something that popped into my head just now. 

I owe the biggest thanks to God, my donor family, my own family, and every medical personnel involved in my care until now. Thank you to the friends who have stayed by my side and to those friends who joined later on but have felt like they've been there from the start. Thank you to everyone who continues to be on this journey known as life with me.

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"Without the organ donor, there is no story, no hope, no transplant. But when there is an organ donor, life springs from death, sorrow turns to hope and terrible loss becomes a gift."

Please visit donatelife.org to become an organ donor today. 

Strengths

In CPD today, we discussed the results of the CliftonStrengths assessment that we were supposed to have taken prior to class. I'll be honest, I was simultaneously surprised and disappointed with my results. There are a total of 34 strengths, but we only got to see our top 5. Each strength fell into one of four domains: executing, influencing, relationship building, and strategic thinking. And while getting all of my top 5 strengths in one domain doesn't mean I don't have strengths in the other domains, it still made me feel insecure. All of my results fell into relationship building domain. My strengths were as follows: connectedness, empathy, developer, harmony, and adaptability. I want to believe that all of those are representative of me as I currently am, but I don't know that they are. Rather, I think that it's partly a reflection of who I hope to be.

But then something amazing happened after class. I went to chat with BVT for a little while. We talked about a few different things, but in everything that he said today, there are two things that I will remember for a very long time. One, how he got into his field of pharmacy practice, which is cardiology. And two, that he believes relationships are the important thing. I didn't know that I needed to hear that until he said it. I've lived my whole life basically craving human connection, so much so that it's bothersome to people around me. I have promised myself more than several times over now that in whatever time I have left on this earth that I will genuinely love and care about as many people as humanly possible. There's something very fulfilling about connecting with others around you. One of my favorite things is getting to know people.

Even though all of my strengths according to the CliftonStrengths assessment are in the relationship building domain at this point in time, I still have time to grow. Maybe the next time I take the assessment, I will get a different set of strengths. I'm a work in progress, a painting that is not quite complete, a puzzle that is not yet put together.

2/8

My community pharmacy IPPE rotation has come to an end. It's hard to believe that four weeks have passed. When my rotation first started, the end felt so far away. Now that it's over, I feel very sad about it. I'm a very sentimental person and I form attachments quickly and easily, but I never really expected to feel this way about my rotation. Somewhere in my mind, I've told myself that if I don't cross off Friday, May 25th, from my whiteboard calendar that's on the fridge then my rotation won't really be over. It is over though and although my heart still feels heavy I'm working on getting over it. I'm fortunate to have had such a wonderful preceptor, rotation site, and experience. I have a lot of improving to do, but I know what I should focus on as well as what I'd personally like to focus on. 

I somehow, by the grace of God, survived the second semester of my P1 year. I got one more A than I expected and I passed PK. I spent a lot of time worrying about passing PK so it felt really good to know that I had passed. Passing PK means that I can hold my position in SNPhA as Mental Health Awareness Chair and rush for PDC in the fall when school starts. I'm looking forward to beginning therapy modules this upcoming semester. I know that they will be difficult, but I'm ready to give it my all. After a year of pharmacy school, I sort of know where I stand and where I need to improve academically. Ready to take on the world/get an A- I'm looking at you, cardiology module. 

Pharmacy school has been really good for me so far. I don't know that I've necessarily grown a lot as a person, but I think I'm a little more outgoing than I used to be. I do try to put myself into situations where I have to be more social and interactive. I make more efforts to volunteer for things than I ever did in the past because I told myself that I would be better in pharmacy school. The things that I do may not necessarily have a lot of impact in the grander scheme of things, but my willingness hopefully says a lot about me. I have been and am very loved by the people around me in pharmacy school. Sometimes I wonder if my friends really understand the depth of my gratitude towards them and how genuine my love is for all of them. I love my friends and my fellow pharmacists to be very much. On the whole, I still feel that everyone is supportive of each other and always willing to lend a helping hand, and I'm truly grateful for that. I've experienced a lot of firsts and I'm happy to have experienced them with wonderful people. And I can't wait to keep experiencing more firsts with them. 

P1 is done, P2 here we come! 

If you missed it, here is my reflection post about the first semester of pharmacy school: 1/8

Procrastination, Contemplation

I should be studying right now, but I am continuing my procrastination for just a little bit longer to reflect on the semester a little bit. I plan on hopefully getting a decent bit of studying done tonight even though all I want to do is sleep.

I really don't know where to begin so I'll start with today. We had our last PK lecture of P1 year today and got cookies at the end as a treat. I was pretty cranky during class because I was worried about my exam grade. I needed to do so well on this past exam because I really put myself in a bad situation earlier on in the semester with PK. At the very least, I can be proud of myself for improving in PK- each exam grade has been higher than the last. Maybe I can continue the trend for the final exam if I'm lucky enough. The ability to do well and understand is somewhere inside of me. PK was my Achilles heel this semester, but it really didn't have to be if only I had given myself the time. I have one more chance to prove myself this semester. And I never go down without a fight.

I went to see 'A Quiet Place' this afternoon with Amanda, Christian, Sandrine, Jasmine, Cloud, and Dan. It was an okay movie with some more than okay people. I was only a little bit disappointed by the ending. It seemed like a lot of trouble for the way it ended. Still, I appreciated the suspense/thrill of it all.

The more time that passes of pharmacy school, the happier and sadder I become. It's like when I was back at SU and couldn't imagine myself anywhere else but there. Well, it happened again. And it keeps happening in more than just my education, it happens at work too. Change has always been what I'm most afraid. With summer approaching, I'm worried that things will change, that I will lose everyone. It's a constant and irrational worry, but maybe it's time for me to leave it up to them. I'll still be here as I have been with outstretched hands waiting to be held and to hold.

I wonder when we all started falling into place. I appreciate that we mingle with each other. Everyone has their own usual crew, but our bonds with each other on the whole are pretty strong. There's always a kind word to be said, a laugh to be shared, love to be given and reciprocated. The support was there from the beginning and it continues to grow. It's a lot easier to believe in yourself, to love yourself, when other people do too.

Thank you for being there to lift me up when I put myself down.

1/8

I meant to write about this past semester a lot sooner, but I've pushed it off because I am a procrastinator. I was sick during the two most important weeks of the semester, pre-finals week and finals week. Oddly enough, it didn't take long for me to get better as soon as I got home. Maybe I'm allergic to Richmond or maybe I am subconsciously a lot more stressed out than I think I am. Whatever the case is, I just have to tough it out for the next few years like everyone else.

This first semester of pharmacy school has been quite a rollercoaster ride if I'm being honest. In the beginning, I had no idea what I was doing or what was happening. The same is still true, but I'm not entirely alone in my cluelessness. I find that beginnings are almost always lonely and endings are almost always sad. I've always had a hard time with change and being surrounded by new faces at a new school in a new city was terrifying. I wondered if I would ever fit in with the people around me, if I would ever feel comfortable in this unknown place. It's funny how you can't pinpoint the exact moment you become friends with someone or the moment when you realize that you're comfortable enough to be yourself, but it always happens sooner or later in a new environment. It's only a matter of time before you see the new people around you as something precious, something worth holding onto, something worth loving. I never expect that to happen to me, but it always does. It's nice to be in a place where people on the whole genuinely care.

Emotions aside, I really let the ball drop academically this first semester. Despite some disappointments grade-wise, I'm still rather grateful that my GPA didn't sink below a certain point so I'm not completely down in the game, but I'm almost certain that I'll be out of the running for Rho Chi when the time comes. Let's just say that I learned my lesson and hopefully learned it well enough to not repeat the same mistakes next semester. I'm ready to be a better student. I owe that to myself and my classmates.

Happy

It's funny how quickly we adjust to new environments, how quickly we love the people around us. It feels strange to look back to August because I'm not that lonely, sad, lost individual anymore. That doesn't mean I never feel that way, but I don't feel it as strongly as I once did. If someone would have told me back in August that I'd have so few days of feeling unloved or feeling like I don't belong, I don't know if I would have believed them. But it always works out that way, doesn't it? It's a blessing to feel as loved and as at home as I have felt over the past two months. Everyone says it goes so fast and that you become a family, how is it that they're always right? The first semester is almost over. I'm going to be so bored without them, but I'll survive somehow. I always do.

With the end of this semester not only comes an unforgiving cold with the possibility of snow, but also final exams, which I'm not too thrilled about. The first semester of P1 year hasn't necessarily been terribly difficult, but it has been an adjustment. It's an adjustment because we've had 10 classes, two of which have ended. Eight more finals to go! I haven't started studying yet, still working up to it, but I figure it's okay if I start organizing myself tomorrow. Mondays are for begrudgingly being productive.

I really appreciate and enjoy going to school and living in Richmond. I like it a lot because I live within walking distance of school so I'm at least getting some exercise. Living in a city feels so different from a small town and yet it feels the same. It's different because it's still unfamiliar territory but it's also become home away from home. I don't think that's really the doing of the city though. I think home, as cheesy as it sounds, is wherever love can be found. So really, home is everywhere.

I've reached an interesting point in life where I don't really know where I'm going, where I'm going to be years from now, who I am, or who I'm going to be years from now, but I know that I'm in the right place with the right people at the right time. I am happy, to be here, to love, and be loved in return. That's all for now.

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Side note: here's the link to my realization of belonging in pharmacy school --http://dreamingforpeace.blogspot.com/2017/09/its-funny-how-our-perceptions-can-be-so.html

"It's funny how our perceptions can be so off..."

Hi everyone, it's been a while since I last blogged. As some of you may know (or not know), I made the decision to continue my education further and go to pharmacy school. And I couldn't be happier to be where I am now. I've had the most wonderful weekend spending time with my friends and being able to (hopefully) represent my school well.

I didn't have the easiest or happiest transition into pharmacy school. Leaving home and my central support system was really difficult, but I've adjusted and have gotten used to life in a city. It's been an incredibly emotional journey for me, but I am really grateful for every moment. Yes, even the less pleasant ones because they've led up to this.

The title of this post is a tribute to the medical TV show, Scrubs. The full quote (or rather the part that I love the most) goes like this: "It's funny how our perceptions can be so off, like when you're searching for a place to fit in and you don't even realize you've been there the whole time."

I always wanted to fit in everywhere I went immediately. I wanted to have friends instantly. But realistically speaking, it usually doesn't work that way. There is no shortcut to feeling like you belong or even making friends. I've had to relearn that over and over again. Even though I only started school 6 weeks ago, I feel like I'm at a point where I can say with some confidence and a very full heart that I am in the right place with the right people at the right time.

I've had moments where I falter and feel inadequate, where I wonder if I'm really in the right place for me. But I am. My school made the decision to have me just as much as I made the decision to join them. If my insecurities didn't weigh so heavily, I would have made my realization much sooner.

I wondered when I would have this feeling of belonging like Elliot did in Scrubs. I waited and hoped for it to happen. And I can't quite tell when it finally sunk in, I can't quite pinpoint the exact moment. Was it the day I met my P2 mentor? Or was it on a Friday morning while I waited for class to start and while waiting was able to talk to one of my classmates/friends? Was it right before my first pharmaceutics/biopharm exam when I opened up to a classmate/friend? Or was it last night when the girls and I had game night (and I totally won the top 300 game)? I don't know. But somewhere in between everything that has happened, I've started to feel comfortable and so I've stopped searching for a place to fit in.

We all want so much to fit in and be liked that we don't realize we're already where we should be. Feeling like you belong takes time. And as for being liked, well, what's not to like? When you feel like you're surrounded by an incredible group of individuals, maybe it's because you're not too shabby yourself.