I wonder what it's like to be someone who knows exactly what they want to do in life and how to get there. A few of my friends have gotten to that point and I'm happy for them. But I feel alone, like I'm being left behind. Osinachi once told me that I shouldn't settle for something just because I don't mind it. She said that I should feel passionate about what I'm studying, have some kind of emotional investment in it, but I'm indifferent to it all. I feel like I'm mindlessly studying for a nonexistent future. No, I don't mean that in the morbid sense. Any passion that I have for a subject comes from others, except for microbiology. Yeah, lectures weren't the most thrilling and I did have a handful of bad days in lab. The surprising part was that I wasn't entirely incompetent in microbiology lab like I was in every other science lab I had been in up until that point, including the ones I was taking at the time. Or maybe I was just as incompetent but didn't notice because I had fun. Fun.
Getting back to my point now, I stumbled upon was inspired by House and as a result I looked up 'phlebotomist.' It led me to a website full of health professions. If only I could be a phlebotomist. I'm too shaky though. I don't know if it's a side effect of the medications or not, but it's the only logical explanation I can think of. I think everyone else around me must believe that I get extremely nervous in labs or something. Labs can be crazy and intimidating, but it's not why I shake. I'm honestly not that nervous. It's a little unfair because then everyone thinks you're an incapable fool. (Or at least that's what I think people are thinking of me.) Anyway, other careers that sounded interesting to me: blood bank technologist, clinical lab tech, perfusionist, and pathologist. (I guess blood is a commonality between all five in one way or another.) I'm still not sure why I'm a chemistry major. If there was ever a calling for me, it's probably in biology not chemistry. I know that much about myself, but I've been through too much chemistry to back out now. I wanted to believe that if I took enough chemistry classes that I would find my niche, but I don't think I will. Somehow I have a very strong feeling that biochemistry and physical chemistry aren't going to suddenly produce some emotion in me. I won't get back the past two years of college, but I can still try to fix this.
You're so hard on yourself. There's no fixing anything - you got to learn a lot by taking those classes including that it's not something you'd like to pursue! You only know things truly by doing.
ReplyDeleteBe easy on yourself. Who cares what other people might or might not be thinking? There's a quote that goes something like 'if you worried what others thought of you, you should know they are not thinking of you at all'. That being said, they are likely thinking more about themselves and their own lives.
I think you're very similar to myself in being indifferent to things. It's completely normal to not know what you want to do. I really never knew what I wanted to do for a long time and even now I still don't know and consider other fields. I changed my mind a lot during school and changed the direction I went in based on the experiences I had during life. I would be less concerned with figuring out what you want to do. It's not going to hit you on the head tomorrow but over time you will soon know what you want to do. I find it that its easy to pick a path that you like and stick with it until somethign else comes along.
ReplyDeleteYou have the potential to be more than just a phlebotomist. You should definitely look into pharmacy. By the way, I think the shakiness could be from the tacrolimus
It's never too late to back out! If biology is really more your thing, or if it will lead to your niche, go for it! No regrets. Right now is the perfect time to be doubtful, to be unsure, to have absolutely no clue what you want, and to test out different paths before committing to one. Spending time to find your passion as a student trumps wasting time as a tax-paying adult. Sure, it's convenient to know exactly what you want to do but isn't it more adventurous to only have a slight idea, and to be able to see all these different careers and think, "that could be me, but I'm sure there's something that fits more perfectly"? When you find that particular job that leaves you daydreaming about your future, something that inspires you, it's definitely worth fighting for, right? Until then, it's fine to drift about, studying for a general cause or a borrowed one.
ReplyDeleteHaahahaha, it feels like I'm writing to myself as well as writing to you. And so I close with:
I feel u bro