Pointless Update

Well, I figured I should let you all know that I'm still alive. I'm feeling much better actually. I was having fevers on and off for almost two weeks along with some other symptoms and minor problems. I guess my will to fight against infection and disease, although weakened, hasn't left me. 

I've been thinking about all sorts of things. My two math classes have been causing me a good amount of worry. Thoughts of college applications make me uneasy and uncomfortable. I don't like thinking about the future because I find that nothing in life is certain. Regardless of that fact, I am forced to think about it and have some idea of what I'm supposed to want. 

Being sick wipes a person out and makes them a little...I'm not sure which word to use here. Yesterday, at Johns Hopkins, I couldn't help but think that the exit signs were bleeding. Is that weird? 

I had so much more that I wanted to say about how I was feeling, but now it's just not important. I'll talk about Merlin instead. I'm really enjoying the show. I'm close to finishing season 2. I love how it's so different from the Arthurian legend I know of. It's like nothing at all is the same. That's an exaggeration of course, but for the most part it's totally different. The way you meet the characters and the way they're presented is very interesting. I like how you get to see the characters change and grow throughout the show. I've become quite a fangirl of the show and I'm not ashamed one bit. 

And now I'm out of things to say. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go eat my fridge. Later.

Internet's Back!

I finally got Internet access back. Please stay Internet, I need you. I'm so behind in both of my math classes. I'm doing work for my online class right now. Er, well, I guess I'm on break now. I'm still trying to catch up though. I need some kind of motivation. 

Anyway, I have a urinary tract infection. Hurray! Not really. I'm still extremely bitter about having to take one of my medications twice daily as treatment for it. I wouldn't be so bitter about it if the pill was smaller. I'm also sort of going crazy because I become panicky and feel nauseous at the sight or thought of taking my medication. It's nothing new, but it's really pathetic. I'm complaining, I know. I've just been frustrated. I don't like taking more medicine than I have to, which means stuff like Tylenol. I've been having fevers on and off for about a week along with other symptoms that are just as exciting. Again, not really. I really just want to complain, not to any one in particular though. I just want to complain because I'm tired of feeling this way. I'm annoyed at myself for complaining and for being so weak. I'm not making much sense right now, am I? 

On a happier note, I got to hang out with Sarah and Brittany, which honestly was what I needed. Just being around those two puts me at ease...when they're not scheming or being tricksters that is. I hadn't seen either of them since school ended so it was just nice to see them and talk to them. The three of us have a pretty solid friendship, despite not hanging out and talking often. In fact, it's probably one of the strongest friendships I have. Even though we've been separated by time and distance, we're still friends. Although, I do wonder what was going through our minds when we decided that we were all friends...WORLD DOMINATION! That sounds about right. Can you see my craziness now? 

Before I go, I figure I should mention what's up with me and Netflix. I managed to finish Avatar: The Last Airbender. Then I stumbled upon Merlin, a show that Sarah watches and absolutely adores. After watching only two episodes, I've decided that I like it. It's a beautiful show. It's different from the original story, a lot different. That reminds me, I need to read The Once and Future King. (Well, I've read it before, but not all of it. I've read three-fourths of it.) I've been reading 1984 (Nineteen Eighty-four), since I'm supposed. I have to take breaks from it so I can breathe. It's not that I don't like the book, the words just feel suffocating. They don't feel free and soothing like the way I prefer them to be. They don't flow for me. Maybe it's just me. Maybe I'm just weird.

Well, I've taken quite a break, I suppose. Time to get back to working on math. Fun. I just hope I get this done quickly. That will be quite a task since I love procrastinating on anything and everything I possibly can. 

Did you miss me while I was gone? 

An Eventful Weekend

Yes, I'm going to blab about my weekend. I'm too lazy to split up the days so this will be a pretty lengthy post. I'd also like to mention that I'm not writing this post at my own house. I'm at my father's friend's house right now since our Internet isn't working so I find this situation hilarious. Anyway, time to talk about my weekend. 

On Friday, my father and I left home to go to my eldest brother's house. As usual, we stopped by and ate at a Desi restaurant then headed over to my brother's house. I was dropped off at my brother's house. Shortly after, my sister came over. We ate dinner together. Our father showed up earlier than we thought he would. Not too long after he arrived, my brother's wife arrived at home as well. We all just kind of sat around and had some slight conversation. And then the storm came...the wind was extremely powerful. It made the house shake. I have to admit that I was afraid in the short amount of time that the wind was acting up. Fortunately for us, power didn't go out so YAY!

Saturday was the most eventful day of the entire weekend. My brother's in-laws came over since the power was out. Well, it was really only just his mother-in-law, brother-in-law, niece, and nephew who came over. A little bit after 3, we (my brother, my father, and I) went to Romana's house. Romana roomed with my sister in college so my family is fairly close to her. There were other people there as well. At the time that we showed up at, there were only girls there. I'm pretty sure that most of them, if not all of them, are Bengali, like Romana. So these Bengali people were talking about their two names and I muttered to Romana something along the lines of, "Pakistanis don't understand the two names thing." I meant that jokingly of course. All joking aside, Bengali people are really awesome. Seriously, they're really awesome.

After visiting Romana and eating some good food, we (my brother, my father, and I) went back to my brother's house to get ready for the wedding of a family friend's daughter. Her name is Amna. I realized on Saturday that I really love weddings, but I also really hate them. I love weddings because of the speeches, the food, the Desi music, and the fun. I hate weddings because I have to get dressed up and that annoys me. Sometimes, weddings can be really awkward too. I enjoyed Amna's wedding though. She married a Bengali guy, which I think is really funny and cute...don't ask me to explain that. I actually cried at her wedding during her brother's speech. I couldn't help it, it was so heartfelt. Although, while the earlier speeches were happening, my sister was making jokes and my brother, his wife, and I were laughing because of them. Weddings are always fun when I have my family with me. Going to weddings makes me want to get married and I have no clue why that is...

We arrived home before 12. I think we all went to sleep before 1. I was pretty tired after the wedding. I spent Sunday afternoon hanging out with my sister, my brother, his wife, and Ayyoob, my brother's nephew. (He wouldn't be considered my nephew, right?) It was an entertaining afternoon. I'm getting lazy now so I don't really feel like expanding on any of this. Ayyoob is cute. That's all you need to know.

Oh, I almost forgot to mention one of my highlights of the weekend. I had a nice chat with my brother's mother-in-law on Saturday before we left for the wedding. I got asked about my future. I told her that it's easy for me to just say that I want to be a doctor and that I don't even know where I want to go for college. I told her about what society expects from me since I'm Desi. She said it's different back home in India and Pakistan and that there are really only two career options: doctor or engineer. She spoke of how America is so different, how there are so many different options. The thing is that I'm not interested in much. Teaching is a definite no for me. Law is a no. You'd never catch me in politics. And I can't see myself as a writer. She told me that it's strictly my decision to decide where to go for college and what kind of a career I want to pursue. I guess that's where the problem sets in. I just don't know what I want. Some people have an idea of what they want and some people are indecisive like me. This is why I don't like planning for the future. 

I'm pretty sure I've forgotten to mention something important, but oh well. As you can see, my thoughts are scattered and don't flow too well. Not to mention, I'm far too lazy to say anything more in regards to how this Sunday has gone. Bye for now.

Thinking of Death

Another day of summer has passed. I've had a pretty awesome week so far, but I've been feeling kind of off. I don't feel like myself. I've been quite happy for the past few days and I've had a lot of fun, but there's something that I can't seem to shake from my mind: DEATH. (Yes, I felt it was necessary to put in all caps.)

I can't understand why I've been thinking about death, especially when I haven't been upset or afraid. Thinking about death doesn't necessarily mean that a person is depressed or scared, because I've been perfectly content for some time now. Sure, I've been bored, but not unhappy. The reason I find this sudden contemplation of death to be so odd is because my mind wandered to it when I was in a good mood, when I was happy.

On Monday, June 25th, I had an amazing afternoon. I was so cheerful during that time and yet death was on my mind at one point. I didn't feel lonely or broken. The people who were around me had nothing to do with what I was thinking. They never said a word concerning the matter, at least not that I can remember. Why was I thinking about death in the company of those two people? Those two who will never fully understand what they, among a handful of others, helped give back to me...why around them? 

I'm not surprised or shocked to be thinking about death. Actually, it seems very fitting according to events that have occurred recently. Though I can't answer my previous question, I believe I know why Death has decided to take up residence in my mind. Due to all of the fun I've been having and how everything has seemingly returned to whatever normal was and is, I seem to be forgetting the friend I almost met. 

Two sides of the same coin

The words that I say now will undoubtedly sound ridiculous to me later, seeing as I am writing this post past 1 in the AM. I needed to let this out though. This is subject to being deleted at a later time.

Stuff

It's been a few days since I've shared so I guess I'll scrape together some stuff to say now. Summer is boring and fun like it always has been. There have been fun days and boring days. I don't know how I ever got through the previous summer. Summer feels like it'll never end, but I know that time will start passing quickly now that I've said that.

Alley and Taylor came over on Tuesday and Thursday. On Tuesday, we watched some Nabari no Ou and part of Mulan. On Thursday, they brought some video games just to show me what they were. We finished Mulan, chatted, and lazed around. I felt kind of bad because I'm extremely boring. 

SAT scores came back. True to my feeling, I did improve, but only by the slightest bit. I just keep wasting money. I'm not expecting anything great to come out of my third try, but it would be nice to not feel like such an incompetent fool. In addition to SAT scores, report cards came too. My GPA is finally what I've wanted it to be, but I suspect that's only because I was enrolled in four classes for my junior year. I need to maintain my GPA, it's all I have going for me. What's so great about having a high GPA though? Why do I feel like I need it? Did I want it for me or to impress someone else? 

Anyway, I've started to talk to a few of my cousins again, via Skype and Yahoo Messenger. I stayed up until almost two in the morning chatting with them. I went over to my aunt's house yesterday and today. I absolutely love her cooking. While I was at my aunt's house today, I realized something: I don't like curry; the little person inside my head laughed at that thought because the only reason I remembered that little fact was because my aunt had made curry. After eating, I went upstairs with Rabia and we played Uno. Usama came in and every now and then to talk. I found humor in a lot of what he said so I started laughing. He finally noticed that I laugh very easily. Sumyya came in after a while and turned on the TV. We (Sumyya, Rabia, and I) ended up watching almost two episodes of How I Met Your Mother. It's a funny show. 

I'd like to add that I've been on Netflix quite a bit...and I started watching Pretty Little Liars not too long ago. Don't judge. I just like the drama and ridiculousness of it all, plus it's kind of interesting to me. Basically, I'm trying to make it sound like I don't really like it when I actually do. Don't be disappointed in me, pleaseeee. In addition to that, I started watching Avatar: The Last Airbender today. I should have watched that show when my cousin told me to, he was right about it being a good show. I've been on Netflix way too much, but I can't help it. It's all I feel like doing to pass the time. I think that's why I'm getting dumber...okay, I'm done for now. Later!

Brain Dump

I have a lot on my mind at the moment. I don't know if it is normal for me or not. I've been overly emotional for the past few days. I'd like to blame that on my medication, but I can't blame my emotions on my medication forever, especially when I'm not even on steroids anymore. No, whatever I'm feeling is a result of my mind wandering and searching. Why is my mind wandering and what am I searching so desperately for? I still don't know yet. This entire post is going to be a jumbled mess of thoughts, more so than usual so I apologize in advance. 

I was thinking about my DCM friend, Carol, today. I've been thinking of her every now and then. She hasn't emailed me lately. I've been meaning to email her, but I don't want to keep giving her my life story. It's not fair to her. I wonder how she and her family are doing, especially her grandson. She tells me about his life when it relates to what I say to her. I should email her soon and make sure everything is okay. 

There's something important that I still haven't done. I need to send a letter to my donor family. It's absolutely necessary that I write to them this summer. I want them to know how grateful I am for the decision they made. I don't mean to open up their wounds, but I need to reach out to them. I need to know about the girl whose death gave me my life back. I need to know about her.

I was thinking about sleeping early tonight. Early meaning before 2 in the AM. I'm still awake though. Like I mentioned already, I've been overly emotional. I don't know why. Maybe it's just who I am. If that's the case, then I hate that about myself. Anyway, I wanted to sleep early because I was starting to feel depressed. Then, I noticed that Casey had texted me. Her text prompted me to stay awake and blog instead. 

I've been feeling a mixture of sadness and jealousy for a while. I feel unwanted by certain people. It's almost as though I'm not good enough to be friends with them. I'm jealous because I'm not needed in their lives. I could run away and those people wouldn't care one bit. They wouldn't wonder where I've gone or if I'm even safe. I've realized that we cross paths with many people in life and walk with them for some time on the same path. The sad truth is that we often go our own way without ever walking down another path together again. And then we wonder if our loyalty meant anything at all. 

Casey and I talked about dreams via text messaging. Her dreams are strange, but they seem to be in the norm, whatever that may be. I'm glad I can remember dreams after I wake up, but the details, the most important ones at that, often become fuzzy for me. I'd like to believe that I write down my dreams correctly according to what happens in them, but I can never be entirely sure.

I like dreaming. Lately, I've wanted to stay in my dream world instead of living in the real world, where I've been riding a coaster of silly emotions. Dreams are lovely and sometimes much better than reality. In dreams, anything and everything is possible. Of course, that should hold true for reality as well, but I don't think it does since we are limited by ourselves and those around us. Dreams are special for many reasons, but I'll just give a few. Unlike real life, you can see anyone in dreams, including those who are no longer of the real world, here on Earth. Another wondrous thing about dreams is that they can take place in any setting and even in any colour; I have yet to dream in black and white or anything else besides full colour. I think I hear sounds within my dreams because I sometimes remember things that seem to have been said. Maybe dreams are like movies with the sound turned off and the captions turned on. I've always thought that dreams were interesting, kind of like a second life. Truthfully, I sometimes enjoy my second life better than this one.

I feel better now, much cleaner. I'm sure there's plenty of junk left in my brain that I forgot to sweep out. When it comes to be too much, I'll clean up again. Right now, I'm ready to sleep and see if I can dream. Even if I don't dream tonight, it'll be okay since Alley and Taylor will be coming over. I can't wait to see them.

A Flower Waiting for Death

What am I holding on to? A person? The person's expressions? The memories? 

I guess the better question is why am I holding on? I can't make the person care when I know for a fact that I mean absolutely nothing. Why am I trying to mean something? Why am I trying to reassure myself? Why am I still listening? Why can't I tell whether this person is a true friend or just someone set to hurt me for fun? I don't understand. 

This friendship, it blossomed in spring. Now it's trying to withstand the summer heat. By autumn, it will probably be dead; in fact, I kind of hope for it to be dead. And when winter comes around, it will have vanished entirely. It will be as if it never existed. Would it be better to kill the flower now, instead of waiting for it to gradually shrivel up and die? I wonder.

What prompted this? It was a nice day outside. I was just standing in place and staring around when the thoughts started flowing in. I need to go outside more often and spend time alone so I can think more.