The summer sun that I despise so much is about to set at last. It's the moment I wait for every summer and yet I don't wish to see this summer leave me. And there's one reason why I don't want this summer to end. That reason is that I've finally met all of my cousins, with the exception of one. It was a breath of fresh air to meet them, to get to know them, to finally be able to love them for all that they are. They went home yesterday morning and if I hadn't had to go to work, I would have cried so hard. But for every sunset, there is sure to be a sunrise.
Classes/labs are starting on Monday and while I'm not necessarily looking forward to being stressed out on a daily basis or having to attend classes/labs, I am grateful for the routine and structure that classes/labs will provide. I have a feeling that this semester, and the entire academic year, will be very different from the past two years. And I haven't yet ascertained whether or not the difference will be relatively positive or relatively negatively. I guess I have to wait for the sunrise on Monday to really know what it's going to be like this year.
Thursday, August 27, 2015
Thursday, May 7, 2015
The End of an Era
It's hard to believe that sophomore year is over now, that I'm a junior in college and I still have no idea what I want to do in life. It feels like a lot has changed over the past two years and then almost nothing at all, but I think that's because I haven't made much progress towards any of my goals. I've always been slower than everyone else, I think it's one of my fatal flaws among other things.
Sophomore year of college, Alice says it's the most difficult year of college. I don't think I can say that she's right or wrong just yet, but I do understand why she said that. First semester of sophomore year was pure agony with regards to classes. Three science classes with labs and two gen eds wasn't the best idea. But the first semester was also a lot of fun because I actually did things like going to an apple orchard with friends, seeing shows featuring the ever so talented folks of the conservatory, and sleeping over in Anne and Osinachi's room. First semester was the conference room era, the intense study sessions together...or maybe not so intense because I remember goofing off a lot. It was when I was in the UI almost every single day without fail, including the weekends too. Second semester was very different from that. Our schedules stopped coincided the way they used. I had a smaller load of classes and classwork to worry about and yet it seemed like I was much busier. As stressful as a full schedule is, I think it prompts you to make time for doing fun stuff rather than just happening upon it like this semester. But there was still a lot of good that came out of this semester: me starting to watch Parks and Rec, having my first frappuccino with Lila and Kyle as my witnesses, and pretty much all of Apple Blossom weekend. This semester was the end of an era. Sounds weird saying that now even though I'm only halfway through college, but it's true in a way because of who I'm losing and who I'm gaining and all of the changes that are going to settle into place in the fall. To my three dear friends who are moving on, Leesun, Kyle, and Lila, I wish you the best of luck and I will see you later--although, I really hope that later comes a lot sooner than when I think it will. And to my dear Symone, it's so wonderful to have you back.
I will miss sophomore year for a lot of reasons. There are a lot of good memories that I'm taking away from this academic year. I only hope that junior year is just as much fun.
Sophomore year of college, Alice says it's the most difficult year of college. I don't think I can say that she's right or wrong just yet, but I do understand why she said that. First semester of sophomore year was pure agony with regards to classes. Three science classes with labs and two gen eds wasn't the best idea. But the first semester was also a lot of fun because I actually did things like going to an apple orchard with friends, seeing shows featuring the ever so talented folks of the conservatory, and sleeping over in Anne and Osinachi's room. First semester was the conference room era, the intense study sessions together...or maybe not so intense because I remember goofing off a lot. It was when I was in the UI almost every single day without fail, including the weekends too. Second semester was very different from that. Our schedules stopped coincided the way they used. I had a smaller load of classes and classwork to worry about and yet it seemed like I was much busier. As stressful as a full schedule is, I think it prompts you to make time for doing fun stuff rather than just happening upon it like this semester. But there was still a lot of good that came out of this semester: me starting to watch Parks and Rec, having my first frappuccino with Lila and Kyle as my witnesses, and pretty much all of Apple Blossom weekend. This semester was the end of an era. Sounds weird saying that now even though I'm only halfway through college, but it's true in a way because of who I'm losing and who I'm gaining and all of the changes that are going to settle into place in the fall. To my three dear friends who are moving on, Leesun, Kyle, and Lila, I wish you the best of luck and I will see you later--although, I really hope that later comes a lot sooner than when I think it will. And to my dear Symone, it's so wonderful to have you back.
I will miss sophomore year for a lot of reasons. There are a lot of good memories that I'm taking away from this academic year. I only hope that junior year is just as much fun.
Friday, April 10, 2015
Change
Today was Admitted Freshman Day
and I had the great honor to be a part of one of the programs. But before I
talk about how that went, allow me to take you back almost two years ago when I
was still in high school and nearly 18 years old. Ready? Here we go:
Friday,
April 12th, 2013-Admitted Freshman Day
Today was Admitted Freshmen Day at SU. I went
to the breakfast for the Presidential Scholarship recipients. It was nice for
the most part, but I still don't understand how I'm going to become close to
these people, much less the other incoming students. Honestly, I don't know why
I was chosen when I haven't accomplished anything. Anyway, after breakfast, we
ventured to one of the auditoriums for the FYS presentation, which completely
captivated me. I felt myself falling for SU. I loved the entire presentation.
I fell in love with Dr. PG, Ting Yu, and Maher instantly. They made me want to
believe that SU is where I belong. After that, we went to hear about our own
separate areas. Mine was the College of Arts and Sciences with Dean Allen. We
were separated into our majors so I was lumped in with the rest of the chem
majors. Like before, I fell in love with the chem professor (The
chem professor that I am referring to is Professor Lake, who I sadly did not
get the chance to have) who showed us around and spoke to us. He was so
knowledgeable and good natured. He had very kind eyes. After that, we went to
lunch. And after lunch came the presentation on Student Life. This is where I
felt myself shrinking back. I felt depressed. I won't be on campus so I'm not
going to have a life. (It's true, you don't have a life, but it's not
because you don't live on campus. It's because you're a double major in biology
and chemistry) I don't see myself making friends. (But you did
make friends!)
I want to accept SU, but I'm really afraid. I
don't want to go through the process of having to open up again. I hate that
process. (You got through it just fine) I want
to fit right in at SU and have everyone love me at an instant. But I don't see
that happening. I won't make friends easily. I'm already nervous about the fact
that the other Pres Scholars and myself will go over to Tracy's for dinner or
so I've heard anyway. That worries me. (It ended up being so much fun
though. You shouldn't have worried!) I like people, but it's so hard to
be social. It's so hard to be confident when you know you're not talented. I
don't even have a knack for anything. (Give yourself time, you're a
work in progress) I'm way in over my head. People won't want to have
anything to do with me. I can't relate to the other students or so I feel. I
feel like I have a better shot with the professors. (You're silly,
you've made lots of friends. But you are on pretty good terms with some of the
professors too) I don't know what I'm doing anymore. (I hate
to say it, but you still don't know what you're doing and that's okay!) Of
all places, I never thought I'd go to a private university. The place seems and
feels so loving, but I'm afraid to take a chance. I want to make friends and be
the best student that I can be, but it's just hard. (It wasn't so bad.
You did it!)
Welcome back to the present! I sounded like a typical
teenager, right? I still can't break away from sounding that way even though
I'm nearly 20 now. It's remarkable how a lot can change in two years. Today, I
had the chance to speak to the admitted freshman about my moment at SU. If I'm
being honest, I think I messed it up. I don't think I expressed myself as well
as I could have in comparison to everyone else who spoke. Everyone else had
something to their names, something amazing about them, whether they were
active in organizations across campus or had the chance to go somewhere
amazing. And me? Well, Dr. Kite did tell me that's it okay to be plain, not
that I am. Anyway, I think I will start over and try again. This is what I
wanted to say:
Hi, I'm Fawzia. I'm a sophomore
biology/chemistry double major. I'm a little crazy. I was born in Winchester
and have lived in the area my whole life. And I initially didn't like being at
SU. I resented being here as a commuter. I always wanted to get away for
college. I was nervous about making friends and felt lonely and left out at
first. But things picked up speed as time went on. I met Silvino, the first
person from SU that made me feel like someone cared. Things eventually spiraled
from there. I made friends. I became more outgoing. I started to feel like I
had a place at SU. I don't have a particular defining moment at SU because I've
had so many. For as many sad/angry/bad moments I've had (and I've had a lot),
there have been a 100 more full of laughter and love...and awkwardness. I guess
what I really want to say is that it's okay to be nervous, to be a little
afraid. Maybe you're like me and you don't see how you'll make friends, but you
definitely will. Someone will reach out to you...probably Silvino. You're going
to be just fine.
Still, I'm glad I had the opportunity to speak to students
today even if I don't think I got my point across. At least they all know that
I love Silvino! That's pretty sufficient in and of itself actually! It was a
lot of fun to be there and hear about other people's moments. You never know
what to expect from people.
SU isn't for everyone, I understand that. I've had my moments
of doubt and will have more in the future, but I always seem to be reminded,
whether it's by a friend, classmate, professor, etc., that SU is the right
place for me. Yes, there are things that could be better, like there is at any
other college or university, but I can live with those things because it's the
people that really matter to me. I don't know what it's like to be at a bigger
university. I don't know if there's the same feeling of a close knit community
or if the professors visibly care about their students. That's why I like SU.
Two years later and I can say that the community is strong and people really do
care. And I'm pretty content.
Sunday, February 22, 2015
Reevaluating
I've been watching too much of House, M.D. again. I know that I am because I'm reconsidering in the back of my mind. I'm still as unsure now as I've always been about what I want to do in life, who I want to be, and the like. When I was younger, it was easier to tell people that I was going to be a doctor so that I could help people. It wasn't a lie or mere convenience, it was the honest truth at the time. Back then, I had no perceptions about careers of any sort. Now that I'm older, I know better. I'm never going to be House, which is a relief and a tragedy at the same time. The TV shows exaggerate everything, but the paperwork and hours.
I wonder what it's like to be someone who knows exactly what they want to do in life and how to get there. A few of my friends have gotten to that point and I'm happy for them. But I feel alone, like I'm being left behind. Osinachi once told me that I shouldn't settle for something just because I don't mind it. She said that I should feel passionate about what I'm studying, have some kind of emotional investment in it, but I'm indifferent to it all. I feel like I'm mindlessly studying for a nonexistent future. No, I don't mean that in the morbid sense. Any passion that I have for a subject comes from others, except for microbiology. Yeah, lectures weren't the most thrilling and I did have a handful of bad days in lab. The surprising part was that I wasn't entirely incompetent in microbiology lab like I was in every other science lab I had been in up until that point, including the ones I was taking at the time. Or maybe I was just as incompetent but didn't notice because I had fun. Fun.
Getting back to my point now, I stumbled upon was inspired by House and as a result I looked up 'phlebotomist.' It led me to a website full of health professions. If only I could be a phlebotomist. I'm too shaky though. I don't know if it's a side effect of the medications or not, but it's the only logical explanation I can think of. I think everyone else around me must believe that I get extremely nervous in labs or something. Labs can be crazy and intimidating, but it's not why I shake. I'm honestly not that nervous. It's a little unfair because then everyone thinks you're an incapable fool. (Or at least that's what I think people are thinking of me.) Anyway, other careers that sounded interesting to me: blood bank technologist, clinical lab tech, perfusionist, and pathologist. (I guess blood is a commonality between all five in one way or another.) I'm still not sure why I'm a chemistry major. If there was ever a calling for me, it's probably in biology not chemistry. I know that much about myself, but I've been through too much chemistry to back out now. I wanted to believe that if I took enough chemistry classes that I would find my niche, but I don't think I will. Somehow I have a very strong feeling that biochemistry and physical chemistry aren't going to suddenly produce some emotion in me. I won't get back the past two years of college, but I can still try to fix this.
Saturday, December 13, 2014
"And we'll all float on okay"
And so another semester comes to a close. In short, it's over and somehow I survived.
I'm supposed to reflect about how this semester went, but I'm at a loss for words. What do I say? What am I supposed to say? I wonder how I was able to reflect at all last year. I suppose it was easier back then since I was in the process of accepting my place at SU. I'm just going to start typing and see where this goes...
Well, classes definitely kicked my butt. Again. I don't really want to talk about that though. I'll get upset. I've never been so aware of my heart beating inside of me until this week. I wasthinking agonizing over Ochem and my heart took off. No other class will cause me such grief or make me hate myself more than I already do. This is a fact. I've honestly never felt more defeated by a class. A lack of confidence can cost you everything. And so the cycle continues.
Anyway, I guess this semester was pretty intense. I've never been so aware of my feelings before. I wasn't happy on most days and I know that it was hard for my friends to deal with. When I'm sad and/or upset, I become very irritable and snappy to the point of rudeness. You either get that or the extremely hysterical side of me, which usually ends up being a mixed bag. I kind of walk around with rain clouds hovering over my head. The rain on your parade? Yeah, that's probably me, sorry about that. In all seriousness though, if any of my SU friends are reading right now, I want to apologize for my behavior. I haven't been good to you guys this whole entire semester and nothing I say can erase or mend that. Break has been much needed for all of us. I'm going to spend break working on myself so that I can be a better person to you guys when you come back.
This was an interesting semester just in regards to who I spent my time around. I sort of became Anne and Osinachi's third roommate, oops. I had the great pleasure of spending a few nights with them. I saw the same group of people almost everyday, which was nice but also very draining after a while. I was really good about making sure I spent time with all of my friends at the beginning of the semester, but then I let my classes swallow me whole. That's definitely the other thing I'm going to work on when classes start up again: balancing my social life, or eliminating it altogether. Who knows how this upcoming semester will go?
All in all though, besides the disappointment and stress of finals AND my emotional instability, it was a pretty good semester. Normally I'd say that I'm looking forward to next semester, but I think I'm just going to enjoy break. I've got a lot of shows to watch and a lot of walks to go on.
Note: The title of this blog post was taken from "Float On" by Modest Mouse
I'm supposed to reflect about how this semester went, but I'm at a loss for words. What do I say? What am I supposed to say? I wonder how I was able to reflect at all last year. I suppose it was easier back then since I was in the process of accepting my place at SU. I'm just going to start typing and see where this goes...
Well, classes definitely kicked my butt. Again. I don't really want to talk about that though. I'll get upset. I've never been so aware of my heart beating inside of me until this week. I was
Anyway, I guess this semester was pretty intense. I've never been so aware of my feelings before. I wasn't happy on most days and I know that it was hard for my friends to deal with. When I'm sad and/or upset, I become very irritable and snappy to the point of rudeness. You either get that or the extremely hysterical side of me, which usually ends up being a mixed bag. I kind of walk around with rain clouds hovering over my head. The rain on your parade? Yeah, that's probably me, sorry about that. In all seriousness though, if any of my SU friends are reading right now, I want to apologize for my behavior. I haven't been good to you guys this whole entire semester and nothing I say can erase or mend that. Break has been much needed for all of us. I'm going to spend break working on myself so that I can be a better person to you guys when you come back.
This was an interesting semester just in regards to who I spent my time around. I sort of became Anne and Osinachi's third roommate, oops. I had the great pleasure of spending a few nights with them. I saw the same group of people almost everyday, which was nice but also very draining after a while. I was really good about making sure I spent time with all of my friends at the beginning of the semester, but then I let my classes swallow me whole. That's definitely the other thing I'm going to work on when classes start up again: balancing my social life, or eliminating it altogether. Who knows how this upcoming semester will go?
All in all though, besides the disappointment and stress of finals AND my emotional instability, it was a pretty good semester. Normally I'd say that I'm looking forward to next semester, but I think I'm just going to enjoy break. I've got a lot of shows to watch and a lot of walks to go on.
Note: The title of this blog post was taken from "Float On" by Modest Mouse
Sunday, December 7, 2014
Dragonfly Retreat #3
This past weekend, I attended Dragonfly's third teen retreat. Let me just say that it gets more amazing each year. I'm still surprised at how easy it is to reconnect with everyone. We spend so much time away from each other, but we fit together so effortlessly like puzzle pieces. We've also gotten really good at welcoming new people into the family.
We did so many different things this year. On Friday night, Derek, LeeAnn, and baby Emma kicked off our night with an introduction and silly (but fun) icebreaker. Most of our activities take place on Saturday. There was a scavenger hunt, which was absolutely crazy, but still a lot of fun. Come rain, sleet, hail, or snow, we always manage to get time to be outside. I went on the big swing (or the "Swing of Death" as it has been nicknamed) at least three times, if not more. The first time I rode with Becca^2. The second time I rode with Zoofy and Michelle. And the third time I rode with Kelly and Chelsea. And I chopped the rope each time. It was so much fun. I hope to increase my record next year. A group of us ventured off to the high ropes course, which I wholeheartedly passed on. I could barely get through it in dry conditions last year so I wasn't all that eager to try it in the rain. I also passed on the zipline because I didn't really feel like staying out and getting soaked for much longer. We all went to the guest house and had smoothies and kale chips. While we were there, we played a really fun game called "What's Yours Like?" At some point on Saturday, we went to art therapy and decorated pillows and drew in/on our own healing journals. We played the transplant edition of Jeopardy, and that got a little competitive. Earlier on in the day (on Saturday), Tanner, Sarang, and I led the "Risky Behaviors" session. If I'm being completely honest though, Sarang and Tanner did most of the work. Hunzallah was our prime example of what not to do. It was more conversational and casual, which was something that I think we all enjoyed. We also collectively discussed improvements that we can make for Dragonfly as a family and a team. (And if I'm being truly honest, it is going to take a lot of doing, but less so if we're all working together and helping each other out.) This morning, we played the transplant edition of the Game of Life, which was all thanks to Millie. (It was actually supposed to be my responsibility, but she picked my slack, which I'm both thankful and sorry for.) After that, we dispersed to either play in the gym or in the game room. I was going to play in the gym, but instead involved myself in conversation with Valerie, Tanner, and Becca, and later on Millie as well.
I keep thinking of what Becca said on Saturday night. She said that she knows when something isn't quite right with her because she's lost her spark. (I think it applies for her in a figurative and literal sense.) And if I'm being honest, I think I lost mine over this past semester of college, figuratively not literally. But it has returned and it'll stay for a while. I think I'm going to try a little bit harder to stay in touch with everyone, maybe even set up a video chat with a few people if we can.
I have a couple of regrets. My main regret is that I didn't take any pictures and refused to be in a lot of pictures, hahaha. That's relatively easy to remedy and I'll definitely be bugging everyone to take pictures with me next year. My second regret is that it's impossible to record and/or write down every funny thing that someone among us says or does. We had some pretty hilarious moments though, including "It must be something in the name" to the ranch dressing incident at dinner on Saturday night to Derek being hit on the head with a ping pong ball during Charlotte and Sarang's fierce ping pong game to the somewhat offbeat drum line this morning. There are so many moments that we share together and I wish I could capture all of them. I wish I could bottle them all up and let them free on my bad days.
Dragonfly means so much to me, so much that I don't know what I would have done with myself without it. I knew that there were other heart transplant recipients out there in the world, but I never knew that there were so many who were as young as I am. Before Dragonfly, I never knew about pulmonary hypertension. I'm glad that I'm more aware today than I was three years ago. It's a really nice change of pace to be with my Dragonfly family. I needed to get away from home and college and the retreat is always the perfect opportunity for that. I know that I can count on my Dragonfly family. Wherever I go, I know they're with me. And wherever they go, I'm with them. Nothing will ever change that. I love you all.
---------------------------------------
A few little things to add:
-To Justine: We love and miss you so much. You are in our thoughts, prayers, and hearts. Your Dragonfly family will always be there for you.
-To Bre, Darby, Missy, Rachel, and all those who have previously attended the teen retreat, but were unable to make it this year: We missed you so much and hope to see you next year.
-Also this weekend, we had the pleasure of celebrating for two people very near and dear to me. On Friday night, we wished Millie a very happy birthday. And last night, Saturday night, we congratulated Tanner on his fourth heartiversary. Much love to you both. Here's to many more years to come.
-If you have the time, please visit the Dragonfly Heart Camp website (http://www.dragonflyheartcamp.org) and like the Facebook page (Dragonfly Heart Camp Inc.) If you'd like to make a donation to Dragonfly Heart Camp, you can do so through the website. Thank you for your support.
We did so many different things this year. On Friday night, Derek, LeeAnn, and baby Emma kicked off our night with an introduction and silly (but fun) icebreaker. Most of our activities take place on Saturday. There was a scavenger hunt, which was absolutely crazy, but still a lot of fun. Come rain, sleet, hail, or snow, we always manage to get time to be outside. I went on the big swing (or the "Swing of Death" as it has been nicknamed) at least three times, if not more. The first time I rode with Becca^2. The second time I rode with Zoofy and Michelle. And the third time I rode with Kelly and Chelsea. And I chopped the rope each time. It was so much fun. I hope to increase my record next year. A group of us ventured off to the high ropes course, which I wholeheartedly passed on. I could barely get through it in dry conditions last year so I wasn't all that eager to try it in the rain. I also passed on the zipline because I didn't really feel like staying out and getting soaked for much longer. We all went to the guest house and had smoothies and kale chips. While we were there, we played a really fun game called "What's Yours Like?" At some point on Saturday, we went to art therapy and decorated pillows and drew in/on our own healing journals. We played the transplant edition of Jeopardy, and that got a little competitive. Earlier on in the day (on Saturday), Tanner, Sarang, and I led the "Risky Behaviors" session. If I'm being completely honest though, Sarang and Tanner did most of the work. Hunzallah was our prime example of what not to do. It was more conversational and casual, which was something that I think we all enjoyed. We also collectively discussed improvements that we can make for Dragonfly as a family and a team. (And if I'm being truly honest, it is going to take a lot of doing, but less so if we're all working together and helping each other out.) This morning, we played the transplant edition of the Game of Life, which was all thanks to Millie. (It was actually supposed to be my responsibility, but she picked my slack, which I'm both thankful and sorry for.) After that, we dispersed to either play in the gym or in the game room. I was going to play in the gym, but instead involved myself in conversation with Valerie, Tanner, and Becca, and later on Millie as well.
I keep thinking of what Becca said on Saturday night. She said that she knows when something isn't quite right with her because she's lost her spark. (I think it applies for her in a figurative and literal sense.) And if I'm being honest, I think I lost mine over this past semester of college, figuratively not literally. But it has returned and it'll stay for a while. I think I'm going to try a little bit harder to stay in touch with everyone, maybe even set up a video chat with a few people if we can.
I have a couple of regrets. My main regret is that I didn't take any pictures and refused to be in a lot of pictures, hahaha. That's relatively easy to remedy and I'll definitely be bugging everyone to take pictures with me next year. My second regret is that it's impossible to record and/or write down every funny thing that someone among us says or does. We had some pretty hilarious moments though, including "It must be something in the name" to the ranch dressing incident at dinner on Saturday night to Derek being hit on the head with a ping pong ball during Charlotte and Sarang's fierce ping pong game to the somewhat offbeat drum line this morning. There are so many moments that we share together and I wish I could capture all of them. I wish I could bottle them all up and let them free on my bad days.
Dragonfly means so much to me, so much that I don't know what I would have done with myself without it. I knew that there were other heart transplant recipients out there in the world, but I never knew that there were so many who were as young as I am. Before Dragonfly, I never knew about pulmonary hypertension. I'm glad that I'm more aware today than I was three years ago. It's a really nice change of pace to be with my Dragonfly family. I needed to get away from home and college and the retreat is always the perfect opportunity for that. I know that I can count on my Dragonfly family. Wherever I go, I know they're with me. And wherever they go, I'm with them. Nothing will ever change that. I love you all.
---------------------------------------
A few little things to add:
-To Justine: We love and miss you so much. You are in our thoughts, prayers, and hearts. Your Dragonfly family will always be there for you.
-To Bre, Darby, Missy, Rachel, and all those who have previously attended the teen retreat, but were unable to make it this year: We missed you so much and hope to see you next year.
-Also this weekend, we had the pleasure of celebrating for two people very near and dear to me. On Friday night, we wished Millie a very happy birthday. And last night, Saturday night, we congratulated Tanner on his fourth heartiversary. Much love to you both. Here's to many more years to come.
-If you have the time, please visit the Dragonfly Heart Camp website (http://www.dragonflyheartcamp.org) and like the Facebook page (Dragonfly Heart Camp Inc.) If you'd like to make a donation to Dragonfly Heart Camp, you can do so through the website. Thank you for your support.
Monday, October 20, 2014
"Don't take your organs to heaven with you. Heaven knows we need them here."
Happy three year heartiversary to me. Three years ago today, someone saved my life. Of all of the gifts I'll ever receive in my life, none will ever surpass this one. There is no better gift than life itself.
Three years ago, there was a lot going on. I spent a considerable amount of time having to go to the hospital, taking numerous medications, and feeling in pain. I do still remember things that happened back then, but everything feels like such a blur, almost like a dream. (I blogged about those things in last year's reflection, I think.) I'm sure I would think of it all as a dream if I didn't have the scars to prove it. There's a lot that I miss from three years ago, most of which include some special people, particularly the nurses who cared for me. At the same time, there's a lot that I don't miss, there's a lot that I never want to have to go through ever again.
I've had a rough past couple of months and I'm still kind of in limbo with my emotional stability, but overall still thankful to be here. I don't wake up every morning feeling happy or thankful, and I wonder if that's a bad thing. It's probably not such a great way to be, all things considered. But I'm still human too so I hope that it's okay. Right now, I am happy and that's all that matters.
I've become a lot more open with being a transplant recipient. It's a part of who I am so I make no efforts anymore to hide it away or be secretive about it. I think I used to believe that it was only something I should tell people that I'm close to, but that's a little silly. Of course, I don't run around shouting it at the top of my lungs, but it has come up. It's actually come up twice this semester already, once (okay, more like a couple of times) in public speaking and once in microbiology lab. Most people don't know this about me, but I like when my transplant comes up in conversation...or rather, when it can be introduced into conversation. (I think my favorite conversation about my transplant is probably when it was revealed to Dr. Gallagher in microbiology lab. I remember saying that my heart is not my own, that it was someone else's. Dr. Gallagher thought I was referring to being in love and joked about that. I got him pretty good by saying that my heart was literally not my own with a straight face. He got it after that and asked me about it.) I like being asked about my transplant, because it puts everything back into perspective for me. It helps me see where I was and where I am now. I'd like to believe that when people hear that I'm a transplant recipient that it gives them some kind of hope and will to live freely and love strongly.
This is the part where I say thank you. Without a doubt, I'm thankful to and for my donor and her family. I'm especially thankful to my wonderful transplant team and to all of the nurses who took care of me. Of course, I'm incredibly thankful for my family and my friends for their love. (Shout out to two of my friends who will always have a place in my heart, Tomy and Casey.) Even though I haven't been in touch for a long while, I still remember my DCM family and am grateful to them for their kind words and encouragement. And last, but not least, much love and thanks to my Dragonfly family for always caring. I love you all.
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It is infinitely better to transplant a heart than to bury it to be devoured by worms.
-Christiaan Barnard
Three years ago, there was a lot going on. I spent a considerable amount of time having to go to the hospital, taking numerous medications, and feeling in pain. I do still remember things that happened back then, but everything feels like such a blur, almost like a dream. (I blogged about those things in last year's reflection, I think.) I'm sure I would think of it all as a dream if I didn't have the scars to prove it. There's a lot that I miss from three years ago, most of which include some special people, particularly the nurses who cared for me. At the same time, there's a lot that I don't miss, there's a lot that I never want to have to go through ever again.
I've had a rough past couple of months and I'm still kind of in limbo with my emotional stability, but overall still thankful to be here. I don't wake up every morning feeling happy or thankful, and I wonder if that's a bad thing. It's probably not such a great way to be, all things considered. But I'm still human too so I hope that it's okay. Right now, I am happy and that's all that matters.
I've become a lot more open with being a transplant recipient. It's a part of who I am so I make no efforts anymore to hide it away or be secretive about it. I think I used to believe that it was only something I should tell people that I'm close to, but that's a little silly. Of course, I don't run around shouting it at the top of my lungs, but it has come up. It's actually come up twice this semester already, once (okay, more like a couple of times) in public speaking and once in microbiology lab. Most people don't know this about me, but I like when my transplant comes up in conversation...or rather, when it can be introduced into conversation. (I think my favorite conversation about my transplant is probably when it was revealed to Dr. Gallagher in microbiology lab. I remember saying that my heart is not my own, that it was someone else's. Dr. Gallagher thought I was referring to being in love and joked about that. I got him pretty good by saying that my heart was literally not my own with a straight face. He got it after that and asked me about it.) I like being asked about my transplant, because it puts everything back into perspective for me. It helps me see where I was and where I am now. I'd like to believe that when people hear that I'm a transplant recipient that it gives them some kind of hope and will to live freely and love strongly.
This is the part where I say thank you. Without a doubt, I'm thankful to and for my donor and her family. I'm especially thankful to my wonderful transplant team and to all of the nurses who took care of me. Of course, I'm incredibly thankful for my family and my friends for their love. (Shout out to two of my friends who will always have a place in my heart, Tomy and Casey.) Even though I haven't been in touch for a long while, I still remember my DCM family and am grateful to them for their kind words and encouragement. And last, but not least, much love and thanks to my Dragonfly family for always caring. I love you all.
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It is infinitely better to transplant a heart than to bury it to be devoured by worms.
-Christiaan Barnard
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