Looks

I've been trying to tell myself that looks are not everything. I'm at a pretty fragile state as it is, though I don't dare show it. I'm trying to make a change though, rather than settle directly for losing weight, I decided to stick to eating healthy and exercising daily.

I don't want to feel worthless because I'm not a size zero or because I don't have all the right curves in all the right places. Of course, I don't mean to discourage anyone who is like that. It's not a bad thing to be a size zero or curvy. We're all made differently. In spite of knowing that, I can't accept myself because I don't feel up to society's standards. I wonder though, what do I have to look like to be looked at kindly by society? What do I have to look like to be on par with society's standards of beautiful? When will I be worth something to society?

Recently, a friend and I were talking about all sorts of stuff. He told me that he'd never date an overweight girl and was criticizing a girl in our class for having gained weight since the 7th grade or something. I felt taken aback by what I interpreted to be rudeness on his part. I never knew that he was that shallow. He gave a reason to justify why he wouldn't date an overweight girl, but it made me angry. He's always been such a good natured person up until now so it really shocked me that he would say something like that. He wasn't directing the criticism towards me, but I couldn't help but take it that way. I felt like I had to defend our classmate, because I think she looks great the way she is. Everything will reset like it always does, but I won't forget what he said. (I know I shouldn't take offense since he wasn't degrading me, but it just tore at me inside.)

When I was younger, I don't really remember being told that I was beautiful or being encouraged to do different things very much. I wish I had been. If I have children in the future, I'm going to tell them over and over that I love them, that they are beautiful, that I believe in them, and that they can do anything. Also, I'm going to make sure that they are healthy children. I want my future kids, if I have any at all, to be confident and pleased with who they are at all times during their life. There is no reason for them to feel the need to change to be wanted by society. I would do everything in my power to make sure they don't turn out like me in that respect. I don't want kids to start growing up with the notion that they've got to look a certain way to be loved and accepted.

Looks are not everything. They can't be. I know it's the truth. One of my very good friends, he drew my attention because of his personality, not his looks. I didn't bother with his appearance, because that didn't matter to me; of course, if I had to comment about his appearance, I'd say that he is attractive even though he seems to be dangerously thin. His insides were and are just so beautiful to me. And because his heart is so beautiful, the rest of him proved to be naturally beautiful.

How can you judge someone based on their appearance alone? It seems a bit crude to do so. You don't know what they have been through. A close friend of mine struggled with anorexia years ago back when we weren't as close as we are now. To this day, I know deep inside that she still struggles with it. She's beautiful the way she is, but she can't see it. She is my reminder that no matter how I feel, I can't hurt myself like that. I have a friend who radiates nothing but confidence and optimism, for the most part anyway. She's not a skinny stick, she's really curvy, but she doesn't hate herself for looking the way she does. I love her constant cheerfulness and how she truly loves herself the way she is.    

I can't stop beating myself up in my mind though. I keep comparing the size my thighs to my friends' thighs. I shouldn't be doing that. I shouldn't be so jealous. I shouldn't be so weak. But I am and I'm not proud of it. I can't take my own advice about any of this even though I want to. I won't turn to extreme measures like an eating disorder, but let me be brutally honest in saying that I feel like turning to an eating disorder to fix things even though I know it'll ruin everything. I was telling myself today that I should invest in more hoodies and sweatpants so that I can wear them in college everyday. I also continuously remind myself that the reason I probably will never get married is because I don't look good enough. I need to destroy these thoughts, but it's so difficult to do that since I'm the kind of person who needs constant encouragement. I always make mocking complaints about how girls are so self-conscious, but I'm just as self-conscious as the next girl. I like to put up fronts to make it seem like I'm not, to make it seem like I don't care. But I do care. A lot. 

I'm trying so hard to keep it together. I'm trying so hard to do something to change so that I don't have to feel this way forever. I guess this is an uphill battle. It'll take a while to level off. And I have to win. I don't want to cry anymore.

"Heaven forbid you end up alone"

I need to be honest with myself...so I'm blogging. (Deepak, you happy now?) Those who know me well enough already know that this is going to be a somewhat gloomy post, but I think it's progress since I'm finally admitting that there is a problem. I need to change. 

I typically have a low self-esteem. The people who truly know me inside and out can attest to that. Self-esteem often differs depending on the goings on, but I'm usually pretty down on myself. Of course, I have my own silly reasons for being this way. My self-esteem goes hand in hand with what I believe my self-worth to be. I wonder how many people have been able to sense my perception of my own self-worth because I don't know how strongly it shows through.

Like I said, I have my reasons for these negative feelings. If I'm being honest, I really don't believe in myself and I really don't believe I'm worth anything. I never have. I don't want that 'never have' sentiment to become 'never will.' My reasons include things like my appearance, my personality, and my intelligence level. All three of those things are my fault and mine alone. 

Ever since middle school, I've hated the way I look; I don't think appearance mattered much to me in elementary school. I feel like I don't fit society's standards of what a beautiful woman should look like, and it really sucks. It sucks to go around and think that everyone is judging you because you're huge and not visually appealing. Am I starting to sound self-pitying right about now? My apologies, I am sincerely trying to change that part of myself though by eating well and exercising daily. Change won't happen right away, but at least I'm trying. 

A lot of people seem to like me, but I honestly can't understand why. According to many people, I'm the nice and quiet type. Yeah, I guess I can agree with that. But there's this one thing that spoils my personality: my lack of confidence. I explained my lack of confidence to a couple of teachers and they thought it was somewhat comical so let me relay it to you now. I basically stated that I have no confidence in all situations so that if by chance something good happens then I can pleased with myself and feel good. When it comes to bad things happening, I'll still feel bad, but at least I had it coming. (I suppose that last bit is the funny part.) 

And last but not least, my intelligence level. People have this belief, even without knowing me, that I am intelligent. You might be thinking that I should just shut up and take it as a compliment whether it is true or not. Truthfully, I don't see myself as intelligent. In fact, what is it that people base intelligence on? I've often wondered that. I met someone a few years ago and I thought he was brilliant, but he did so poorly in school because he didn't really care. I don't think intelligence can be measured on school smarts or street smarts, or even an IQ test. What makes you better than the person next to you anyway? Anyway, back to my point, I don't view myself as intelligent purely because I don't want to become arrogant. I have my own moments of arrogance and I don't like them. I'd rather be a humble person. However, I need to accept that certain things come easier for me than they do for others, and vice versa. 

Even transplantation didn't "fix" me. I still don't feel worth it most of the time, but I want to feel worth it for her. She keeps me from truly destroying myself. I sometimes think about her and tell myself that I'm going to be happy for the both of us. I want to be confident for the both of us. I owe her that much. I'm not only living my own life, I'm living hers too. (I know a lot of people would love to argue about that with me, but unless you're a heart transplant recipient, you can't possibly understand.) Or rather, she is living within me and continuing her life through me. Either way, that's why I have to make these seconds, minutes, hours, days, weeks, months, and years worthwhile. 

I kind of do want to talk about the song lyrics in the title. "Heaven forbid you end up alone" is from a song called Heaven Forbid by The Fray. (I am listening to it on repeat as I write this post.) I don't know the intended meaning of the song or for what purpose the song was written, but I have my own attachment to it. 

Heaven Forbid by The Fray

"Twenty years, it's breaking you down
now that you understand there's no one around
Take a breath, just take a seat
you're falling apart and tearing at the seams
Heaven forbid you end up alone, you don't know why
Hold on tight, wait for tomorrow, you'll be alright"

That bit is only the beginning part of the song, but every time I listen to it I can't help but feel something click. I don't want to be alone because of the way I perceive myself. If I keep this up and really let my self-pitying and insecure self rule over my life, I will end up alone. I know that I will relapse over and over again, but as long as I do my best and hold on, I know I can change. I need to start believing in myself like others do. I need to come to the realization that I am as brilliant as the next person.

I think I've sort of strayed away from my overall point, but oh well. I'm just trying to accept myself, change what I can, and work on being happy. It's much easier said than done, but I know I can do it if I work at it.

People

People are strange. They are never what you expect them to be. I should know that by now. I'm amazed and fascinated with the people around me. I feel so much for them, especially for the ones who are struggling with something. How have they managed to be strong for so long? People think I'm strong, but compared to the people I've met, I feel as though I pale in comparison. 

People hide so much. They keep so much inside. It's just not healthy. I worry for some of the people that I know. What's going to happen to them when they break? I can't let them break. The sad truth is that when some people break, they can never pull themselves back together. I don't want that to happen to anyone. 

I want people to realize that I do care. Yes, I'll admit that I am a nosy person and I'm extremely curious, but I'm not crude and heartless. I don't give good advice, or rather I suck at it. But I'm always willing to listen. It makes me feel good to hear other people talk about what they are dealing with. It puts things into perspective for me. 

I just want to help people. I don't know how I can, but I want to nonetheless. I want people to trust me. I want to be one of the "good guys."