"Heaven forbid you end up alone"

I need to be honest with myself...so I'm blogging. (Deepak, you happy now?) Those who know me well enough already know that this is going to be a somewhat gloomy post, but I think it's progress since I'm finally admitting that there is a problem. I need to change. 

I typically have a low self-esteem. The people who truly know me inside and out can attest to that. Self-esteem often differs depending on the goings on, but I'm usually pretty down on myself. Of course, I have my own silly reasons for being this way. My self-esteem goes hand in hand with what I believe my self-worth to be. I wonder how many people have been able to sense my perception of my own self-worth because I don't know how strongly it shows through.

Like I said, I have my reasons for these negative feelings. If I'm being honest, I really don't believe in myself and I really don't believe I'm worth anything. I never have. I don't want that 'never have' sentiment to become 'never will.' My reasons include things like my appearance, my personality, and my intelligence level. All three of those things are my fault and mine alone. 

Ever since middle school, I've hated the way I look; I don't think appearance mattered much to me in elementary school. I feel like I don't fit society's standards of what a beautiful woman should look like, and it really sucks. It sucks to go around and think that everyone is judging you because you're huge and not visually appealing. Am I starting to sound self-pitying right about now? My apologies, I am sincerely trying to change that part of myself though by eating well and exercising daily. Change won't happen right away, but at least I'm trying. 

A lot of people seem to like me, but I honestly can't understand why. According to many people, I'm the nice and quiet type. Yeah, I guess I can agree with that. But there's this one thing that spoils my personality: my lack of confidence. I explained my lack of confidence to a couple of teachers and they thought it was somewhat comical so let me relay it to you now. I basically stated that I have no confidence in all situations so that if by chance something good happens then I can pleased with myself and feel good. When it comes to bad things happening, I'll still feel bad, but at least I had it coming. (I suppose that last bit is the funny part.) 

And last but not least, my intelligence level. People have this belief, even without knowing me, that I am intelligent. You might be thinking that I should just shut up and take it as a compliment whether it is true or not. Truthfully, I don't see myself as intelligent. In fact, what is it that people base intelligence on? I've often wondered that. I met someone a few years ago and I thought he was brilliant, but he did so poorly in school because he didn't really care. I don't think intelligence can be measured on school smarts or street smarts, or even an IQ test. What makes you better than the person next to you anyway? Anyway, back to my point, I don't view myself as intelligent purely because I don't want to become arrogant. I have my own moments of arrogance and I don't like them. I'd rather be a humble person. However, I need to accept that certain things come easier for me than they do for others, and vice versa. 

Even transplantation didn't "fix" me. I still don't feel worth it most of the time, but I want to feel worth it for her. She keeps me from truly destroying myself. I sometimes think about her and tell myself that I'm going to be happy for the both of us. I want to be confident for the both of us. I owe her that much. I'm not only living my own life, I'm living hers too. (I know a lot of people would love to argue about that with me, but unless you're a heart transplant recipient, you can't possibly understand.) Or rather, she is living within me and continuing her life through me. Either way, that's why I have to make these seconds, minutes, hours, days, weeks, months, and years worthwhile. 

I kind of do want to talk about the song lyrics in the title. "Heaven forbid you end up alone" is from a song called Heaven Forbid by The Fray. (I am listening to it on repeat as I write this post.) I don't know the intended meaning of the song or for what purpose the song was written, but I have my own attachment to it. 

Heaven Forbid by The Fray

"Twenty years, it's breaking you down
now that you understand there's no one around
Take a breath, just take a seat
you're falling apart and tearing at the seams
Heaven forbid you end up alone, you don't know why
Hold on tight, wait for tomorrow, you'll be alright"

That bit is only the beginning part of the song, but every time I listen to it I can't help but feel something click. I don't want to be alone because of the way I perceive myself. If I keep this up and really let my self-pitying and insecure self rule over my life, I will end up alone. I know that I will relapse over and over again, but as long as I do my best and hold on, I know I can change. I need to start believing in myself like others do. I need to come to the realization that I am as brilliant as the next person.

I think I've sort of strayed away from my overall point, but oh well. I'm just trying to accept myself, change what I can, and work on being happy. It's much easier said than done, but I know I can do it if I work at it.