I feel cold. I'm sitting by a window so that's to be expected, I guess. Hard to believe that it's supposed to be in the 80's this week. This is my obligatory end of my freshman year of college post. So much has happened in the span of two academic semesters, good and bad. This past week has been rather sad, probably because everyone is leaving. Everyone leaving SU means that everyone who is away will be coming home or is already home though so there is a bright side.
I've come a long way since the beginning of the year. I hated SU the first few weeks because I felt so alone, but things got better. I made friends throughout the year and those friendships have grown strong. They aren't equivalent to the ones that I have with my friends here at home, but I think they could get there someday. We're still growing after all. We've had some rough patches and there are things that we're still going through, but hand in hand we'll get through all of it. And I won't give up on making things better.
As far as grades are concerned, I'd love to have all A's this semester. However, I think it's a bit unlikely, which is kind of upsetting. I can't continue being so hard on myself just because I don't get an A in a class. College is a learning experience, but not in terms of the information that we learn. It's a time for us to discover/reinvent ourselves and create bonds with people. Sure, we learn important skills along the way, but the most important things we learn are not necessarily related to academics. I genuinely believe that to be true.
Here's to the future semesters that will be filled with joy, confusion, sadness, fear, nuisances, and love. I'm ready to start again.
Thursday, May 8, 2014
Thursday, March 27, 2014
Brain Dump
Sometimes, I think I'm the most fortunate person ever. Never mind the celebrities and millionaires, I got dealt a pretty good life. But my feelings about life are flexible, always changing. I can go from feeling very content with life to wishing I never existed in a matter of seconds. Life is a really painful, but beautiful journey.
Recently, I thought about the teachers and professors that have helped me and shaped me along the way. I wrote something off of those thoughts. In each paragraph that I wrote, I gave a brief background of what was happening or had happened in my life. At the end of each paragraph, I wrote how they have helped. Seven completely different individuals and still counting. In fact, I was thinking that I probably unintentionally left out someone who is very near and dear to my heart so let me make that eight instead of seven. Sometimes, it's not my family or my friends that make me feel so alive. As strange as it may sound, I've really enjoyed being around my teachers and professors (Not all of them, of course, just a select few.) I love having conversations with them, because it's different. I can be a different kind of myself with them. The truest version of who I am and who I want to be, I think, gets expressed the best when I'm with my professors.
Like I said earlier though, life isn't all peaches and cream. Even when there are so many people in the world who love you, sometimes you just don't want to exist. Sometimes you think that you're a mistake and/or that you're not worth it. Sometimes you want to run away and/or throw away your current life. Sometimes you want to escape and/or start over. And I think it's okay to feel all of those things. I've been there and back through all of them. When I was younger, I always wanted to run away, but I can't really remember why. Now that I'm older though, I think escape is more accurate. I've always wanted to get away, but it's so hard to tear out your own roots because life gets in the way sometimes. I never wanted to go to SU because I wanted to leave Winchester and Stephens City behind. I love my city and town, but I'm afraid that I might never leave. I love it here, I do, but I need the chance to breathe. Here, in Winchester, in Stephens City, this is where most of my hurts take root, this is where they live and thrive. There are too many memories here and it's overwhelming because I remember bits and pieces of the past wherever I go. It's happening at SU too. I love SU and the people who go there and work there. But after I graduate, I'd like to go somewhere else. I'd like to be in another state, a completely different place where I have to learn on my own.
"These are the scars deep in your heart
This is the place you were born
This is the hole where most of your soul comes ripping out
From the places you've been torn"
-"Always" by Switchfoot
Recently, I thought about the teachers and professors that have helped me and shaped me along the way. I wrote something off of those thoughts. In each paragraph that I wrote, I gave a brief background of what was happening or had happened in my life. At the end of each paragraph, I wrote how they have helped. Seven completely different individuals and still counting. In fact, I was thinking that I probably unintentionally left out someone who is very near and dear to my heart so let me make that eight instead of seven. Sometimes, it's not my family or my friends that make me feel so alive. As strange as it may sound, I've really enjoyed being around my teachers and professors (Not all of them, of course, just a select few.) I love having conversations with them, because it's different. I can be a different kind of myself with them. The truest version of who I am and who I want to be, I think, gets expressed the best when I'm with my professors.
Like I said earlier though, life isn't all peaches and cream. Even when there are so many people in the world who love you, sometimes you just don't want to exist. Sometimes you think that you're a mistake and/or that you're not worth it. Sometimes you want to run away and/or throw away your current life. Sometimes you want to escape and/or start over. And I think it's okay to feel all of those things. I've been there and back through all of them. When I was younger, I always wanted to run away, but I can't really remember why. Now that I'm older though, I think escape is more accurate. I've always wanted to get away, but it's so hard to tear out your own roots because life gets in the way sometimes. I never wanted to go to SU because I wanted to leave Winchester and Stephens City behind. I love my city and town, but I'm afraid that I might never leave. I love it here, I do, but I need the chance to breathe. Here, in Winchester, in Stephens City, this is where most of my hurts take root, this is where they live and thrive. There are too many memories here and it's overwhelming because I remember bits and pieces of the past wherever I go. It's happening at SU too. I love SU and the people who go there and work there. But after I graduate, I'd like to go somewhere else. I'd like to be in another state, a completely different place where I have to learn on my own.
"These are the scars deep in your heart
This is the place you were born
This is the hole where most of your soul comes ripping out
From the places you've been torn"
-"Always" by Switchfoot
Thursday, March 20, 2014
Embers
Hello there, how are you? I'm doing fairly well. I haven't blogged in quite some time due to life and college and stress and other things of that nature. Last week was spring break and it was absolutely wonderful to be off and not have so much to worry about with regards to homework and studying and going to class. However, this week has probably been the most stressful week of all out of the whole semester so far. A lot of my friends and I have been really high-strung and uptight lately, which is mostly due to a biology project that we're required to present. Speaking of which, I think I messed up my group's performance and probably brought it down because I stumbled and went blank. I'm so glad I decided to make note cards and take them up with me. Before the presentation, I think I was feigning confidence and not being nervous. As soon as it was my turn to speak, I completely lost it for whatever reason. I got through it though and so did my group. I don't feel so guilty, but there is a very slight tinge because I think I was the big problem. But honestly, I don't care because I did what I had to do. I'm not going to sit here and beat myself up over it. As soon as it was done, I left it in the time that it happened. It's in the past now. I realize that the time of the presentation and the overall performance won't matter in the future. It's not going to matter when I'm graduating college.
My Wednesday wasn't destroyed by that presentation though. I saw Gee and everything was just how it should be. Brittany and I caught up with her and filled her in on the gaps. So much time has passed and our lives are really so different, but we're the same with each other as we've always been. A stable friendship, I think it can be called. A stable friendship that I'm glad to have.
And for the rest of the day, I spent my time in one of my favorite ways. I spent it with my friends, talking and laughing, trying to reassure them. I've realized that we've all come so far. Our friendships aren't perfect, nor should they be, but we're making them best of our time together. Trials and tribulations will take place, but I know that we're a strong bunch and that we'll fight against whatever comes our way. We may not always be together, but we're with each other in spirit and reminding each other to keep our heads up.
Note: Here's my nod to the title! The title of this post is Embers, which is a song by Owl City. And for everything that's happened recently, I thought it was fitting. Right now, everyone is fighting their way through college. Whether we realize it or not, we're doing it together. And no matter how many awful days or times that there are, we'll make it to the end of the day. And we'll be shining like the stars that we are. And it will always get better.
My Wednesday wasn't destroyed by that presentation though. I saw Gee and everything was just how it should be. Brittany and I caught up with her and filled her in on the gaps. So much time has passed and our lives are really so different, but we're the same with each other as we've always been. A stable friendship, I think it can be called. A stable friendship that I'm glad to have.
And for the rest of the day, I spent my time in one of my favorite ways. I spent it with my friends, talking and laughing, trying to reassure them. I've realized that we've all come so far. Our friendships aren't perfect, nor should they be, but we're making them best of our time together. Trials and tribulations will take place, but I know that we're a strong bunch and that we'll fight against whatever comes our way. We may not always be together, but we're with each other in spirit and reminding each other to keep our heads up.
Note: Here's my nod to the title! The title of this post is Embers, which is a song by Owl City. And for everything that's happened recently, I thought it was fitting. Right now, everyone is fighting their way through college. Whether we realize it or not, we're doing it together. And no matter how many awful days or times that there are, we'll make it to the end of the day. And we'll be shining like the stars that we are. And it will always get better.
Saturday, December 14, 2013
First Semester Reflection
As of yesterday, my first semester as a college freshman ended. Honestly, it's been so surreal. The past couple of months have been so unreal. I can't believe that I won't be waking up early on Monday for class.
I wish I could go back to August and tell myself that it would all turn out just fine. I vaguely remember how I was in the beginning. I was bitter and lonely. I was awkward too, but that doesn't count since I'm always awkward. I'm sitting here trying to think back that far. Those first couple of weeks...I didn't really have anyone. But then something good happened, my awkward self went to Tracy's house for dinner. My awkward self had an awkward good time. And because of that awkward good time, I met people who I now consider to be friends. That's when I met Silvino, who is not only a friend, but also one of the reasons why I have friends. It's kind of funny actually because Silvino ended up being a catalyst for me. My willingness to open up is something that I partly attribute to him. Things slowly began to unwind after he'd continuously acknowledge me and I felt myself becoming more comfortable with being at SU. And eventually, I started to love SU. And the various people that I interacted with frequently soon became people worth holding onto, friends. I think this goes without saying, but I'm really grateful for the new friends I've made.
I think I'm supposed to probably say something about how classes went, right? In an overall sense, they went well. Some classes were definitely a lot better than others, that's for sure. Sometimes classes seem like they are going to be a lot of fun, but then they turn out to be boring and kind of pointless. That did happen. In the same line of thought, sometimes classes seem like they are going to be super difficult or stressful, but they turn out to be pretty chill. Eh, I guess for the last one I should have said lab, ah whatever. And as always, some professors turn out to be better than others. I'm kind of in love with about half of the science professors at SU. Not even slightly ashamed to admit that, because they're so awesome. At this point in time, I'm anxiously waiting for my grades...and eagerly awaiting the start of the second semester because I need human contact.
At first glance, what appeared to be a cruel twist of fate on that August day blossomed into a beautiful blessing. In short, it's been a bittersweet first semester. There are days that I already miss and wish to relive again, BUT there are so many wonderful days that are yet to come and I'm looking forward to them.
I wish I could go back to August and tell myself that it would all turn out just fine. I vaguely remember how I was in the beginning. I was bitter and lonely. I was awkward too, but that doesn't count since I'm always awkward. I'm sitting here trying to think back that far. Those first couple of weeks...I didn't really have anyone. But then something good happened, my awkward self went to Tracy's house for dinner. My awkward self had an awkward good time. And because of that awkward good time, I met people who I now consider to be friends. That's when I met Silvino, who is not only a friend, but also one of the reasons why I have friends. It's kind of funny actually because Silvino ended up being a catalyst for me. My willingness to open up is something that I partly attribute to him. Things slowly began to unwind after he'd continuously acknowledge me and I felt myself becoming more comfortable with being at SU. And eventually, I started to love SU. And the various people that I interacted with frequently soon became people worth holding onto, friends. I think this goes without saying, but I'm really grateful for the new friends I've made.
I think I'm supposed to probably say something about how classes went, right? In an overall sense, they went well. Some classes were definitely a lot better than others, that's for sure. Sometimes classes seem like they are going to be a lot of fun, but then they turn out to be boring and kind of pointless. That did happen. In the same line of thought, sometimes classes seem like they are going to be super difficult or stressful, but they turn out to be pretty chill. Eh, I guess for the last one I should have said lab, ah whatever. And as always, some professors turn out to be better than others. I'm kind of in love with about half of the science professors at SU. Not even slightly ashamed to admit that, because they're so awesome. At this point in time, I'm anxiously waiting for my grades...and eagerly awaiting the start of the second semester because I need human contact.
At first glance, what appeared to be a cruel twist of fate on that August day blossomed into a beautiful blessing. In short, it's been a bittersweet first semester. There are days that I already miss and wish to relive again, BUT there are so many wonderful days that are yet to come and I'm looking forward to them.
Below is the song I listened to while writing this post. Scottish Gaelic is so pretty. ♥
Wednesday, November 27, 2013
ISFJ
I have an ISFJ personality type according to an online test based off of the Myers-Briggs test. I, for the most part, agree with everything that is said, assuming that the test and results are accurate.
ISFJs have a lot of feelings. That being said, I am a very emotional creature and I struggle with that all the time. I'm okay at expressing my emotions, I think. I'm not sure if I've gotten better at expressing the way I feel or not. I'm the first to let you know when and if I'm happy, because you will hear me. Sadness and loneliness are feelings that I'm still working on being honest about. I'm not very good at hiding my feelings so I think people generally see right through me as a result. Negativity when allowed to settle in and take root is hard to unlearn. I go through phases of optimism and pessimism, but am generally a pessimistic person by nature which might be considered odd because I'm an idealist and a complete dreamer at heart. I'd like to believe that I look for the best in people, but I don't know if I truly do or not. I'm pretty critical and judgmental towards myself. I know that I'm hard on myself, but I don't know how not to be. Accepting yourself is one of the hardest things a person has to do. Acceptance of yourself, I think, determines your level of confidence.
There are some sources online that describe ISFJs by their "need to be needed." I don't know about other ISFJs, but I find this to be particularly true for myself. I do need to be needed. I require a lot of attention, which might not show very easily, but I think it does. I'm someone who needs constant encouragement and support. For me, constant encouragement and support means smiles, hugs, hands to hold, ears ready to listen, and kind words. I can fall apart very quickly and get lost in a depressed state without positivity from others. And as I'm sure you can probably assume, I don't do well with criticism because I'm overly sensitive about everything.
Apparently, ISFJs learn best through practical applications. Heh, I don't know what to think about that considering that I'm not a fan of practical applications. Or rather, it's not so much that I dislike practical applications, I just like being shown what to do so that I know I'm doing things correctly, which is why labs can be difficult for me. That and I'm a slow worker. I can get something done for you, but I need to be allowed to work at my own pace. I don't like time constraints for that reason. I'm a firm believer that time constraints are not at all indicative of your knowledge or comprehension on a subject and should never be used to determine a person's level of intelligence. Time constraints are inconclusive.
ISFJs are often described as loyal, caring, and deep people. Er, well, I suppose that fits me. Someone once told me that I was/am a deep person. *shrug* I'm actually kind of obnoxious because I like to know about people's lives like who they are and how they feel. I like listening to others and it's kind of the only thing that I can do, and I often regret that I can't be of any help beyond that. I think of myself as someone who falls for people too easily. When I say that, I mean that I care too much and focus in on the parts of people that I like. For example, someone might see a person as being slightly socially awkward, but I'm over here fangirling over how kind said person is. Whoosh. I guess that's an indirect way of saying that I don't readily notice people's faults and imperfections, only their perfections. And yes, that example I just provided is actually (and very sadly) real. I'm attracted to the kindness in people, and have a really bad habit of chasing after it. I believe that kindness is one of the most beautiful qualities a person can have.
ISFJs have a lot of feelings. That being said, I am a very emotional creature and I struggle with that all the time. I'm okay at expressing my emotions, I think. I'm not sure if I've gotten better at expressing the way I feel or not. I'm the first to let you know when and if I'm happy, because you will hear me. Sadness and loneliness are feelings that I'm still working on being honest about. I'm not very good at hiding my feelings so I think people generally see right through me as a result. Negativity when allowed to settle in and take root is hard to unlearn. I go through phases of optimism and pessimism, but am generally a pessimistic person by nature which might be considered odd because I'm an idealist and a complete dreamer at heart. I'd like to believe that I look for the best in people, but I don't know if I truly do or not. I'm pretty critical and judgmental towards myself. I know that I'm hard on myself, but I don't know how not to be. Accepting yourself is one of the hardest things a person has to do. Acceptance of yourself, I think, determines your level of confidence.
There are some sources online that describe ISFJs by their "need to be needed." I don't know about other ISFJs, but I find this to be particularly true for myself. I do need to be needed. I require a lot of attention, which might not show very easily, but I think it does. I'm someone who needs constant encouragement and support. For me, constant encouragement and support means smiles, hugs, hands to hold, ears ready to listen, and kind words. I can fall apart very quickly and get lost in a depressed state without positivity from others. And as I'm sure you can probably assume, I don't do well with criticism because I'm overly sensitive about everything.
Apparently, ISFJs learn best through practical applications. Heh, I don't know what to think about that considering that I'm not a fan of practical applications. Or rather, it's not so much that I dislike practical applications, I just like being shown what to do so that I know I'm doing things correctly, which is why labs can be difficult for me. That and I'm a slow worker. I can get something done for you, but I need to be allowed to work at my own pace. I don't like time constraints for that reason. I'm a firm believer that time constraints are not at all indicative of your knowledge or comprehension on a subject and should never be used to determine a person's level of intelligence. Time constraints are inconclusive.
ISFJs are often described as loyal, caring, and deep people. Er, well, I suppose that fits me. Someone once told me that I was/am a deep person. *shrug* I'm actually kind of obnoxious because I like to know about people's lives like who they are and how they feel. I like listening to others and it's kind of the only thing that I can do, and I often regret that I can't be of any help beyond that. I think of myself as someone who falls for people too easily. When I say that, I mean that I care too much and focus in on the parts of people that I like. For example, someone might see a person as being slightly socially awkward, but I'm over here fangirling over how kind said person is. Whoosh. I guess that's an indirect way of saying that I don't readily notice people's faults and imperfections, only their perfections. And yes, that example I just provided is actually (and very sadly) real. I'm attracted to the kindness in people, and have a really bad habit of chasing after it. I believe that kindness is one of the most beautiful qualities a person can have.
Saturday, November 23, 2013
Loved
I've been going through a really rough patch lately. It's been more of an emotional roller coaster ride. These days, I mainly feel one of two emotions: happiness or sadness. I keep switching back and forth within hours without meaning to. I don't hate college or the people I've come to befriend, but it's been hard. It's difficult being a commuter. I have days when I feel like I really belong and days when I feel so left out. And no one has bridged the gap.
Yesterday, I saw Lauren and Claire. We went to IHOP. And it felt so good to see them again. Normalcy was temporarily reestablished in those few hours. I was myself, my real self. And today, I spent some much needed time with Lauren, Megan, and Kasey. We mostly just snuggled and cuddled and just talked. We laughed like we used to. I missed the familiarity, the weirdness, and the way I could just be myself. I was happy. Content. At peace. I think it's true when they say that distance makes the heart grow fonder.
My college friends, I like them very much. But I feel so left out, kind of empty inside, when I'm with some of them. I don't know why I feel like I'm unimportant. I don't know what to do in order to feel like I'm complete. Half of the time when I'm with them, I'm ready to fall apart because I don't feel loved. So, if we're friends and you've been curious about how I've been feeling, this is it. This is what's been eating at me.
I'm glad that I'll be able to see all of my friends properly in a few weeks if I don't see them now. Being able to see them at intervals makes college and our separation bearable. And so, at this point in time, I'm content. I'm content because I've been reunited with some of my favorite people in the whole world. It feels good to be loved by friends and know that it's true.
Yesterday, I saw Lauren and Claire. We went to IHOP. And it felt so good to see them again. Normalcy was temporarily reestablished in those few hours. I was myself, my real self. And today, I spent some much needed time with Lauren, Megan, and Kasey. We mostly just snuggled and cuddled and just talked. We laughed like we used to. I missed the familiarity, the weirdness, and the way I could just be myself. I was happy. Content. At peace. I think it's true when they say that distance makes the heart grow fonder.
My college friends, I like them very much. But I feel so left out, kind of empty inside, when I'm with some of them. I don't know why I feel like I'm unimportant. I don't know what to do in order to feel like I'm complete. Half of the time when I'm with them, I'm ready to fall apart because I don't feel loved. So, if we're friends and you've been curious about how I've been feeling, this is it. This is what's been eating at me.
I'm glad that I'll be able to see all of my friends properly in a few weeks if I don't see them now. Being able to see them at intervals makes college and our separation bearable. And so, at this point in time, I'm content. I'm content because I've been reunited with some of my favorite people in the whole world. It feels good to be loved by friends and know that it's true.
Monday, November 18, 2013
Fragmented Feelings
November 14th, 2013
There are all sorts of people in the world. There are some who have their whole lives written out in ink. There are others who change their minds once they figure out what they truly want. And then there are people like me who drift along with no clue whatsoever.
I've never understood why people think that I'm going to do great things in life. Sure, I get good grades and I've faced my own fair share of hardship, but that's not at all indicative of who I will be in the future or what I will do someday. What is it that people see in me? I'm not a genius or a whiz kid like other people I know.
I do want to do great things in the future, but I'm a dreamer not a doer. I am words without the actions, spineless. Don't people see that? I don't know how to become a doer. I don't know how to make a difference in people's lives. I lack the courage and confidence that determined people have. I lack the spirit and fire that passionate people have.
I'm afraid of being a disappointment. No one wants to be a disappointment. My professors at SU, I want them to see me succeed, I want them to be proud of me. I don't want to let them down. They've made such a difference in my life. I'm not just a number, a face, or a name to them, I'm a real person with feelings and dreams.
November 17th, 2013
In the past couple of weeks, I've had some really great times. I've been visibly happier, I think. But I've become a lot sadder too and I can't quite understand why. I've become increasingly chattier in the days that have passed, but I haven't quite been able to get past surface conversations. Heart to heart conversations are hard to start. I like heart to heart conversations the best. I like hearing about what people have gone through and the way they feel and why they feel the way that they do. That's not to say that I don't like being silly and goofy, because I enjoy being a clown, but I can't express all of myself through sass and witty remarks.
I'll be honest. I loved high school overall, but I don't really find myself missing it. But lately, there is one thing that I wish for. The ability to talk to my professors. Of course, I didn't just talk to anyone back at Sherando, only very special teachers. When I couldn't talk to my peers or my friends, I would talk to the only people who seemed like they could fathom how I felt: the adults. I mean the science professors at SU are really great (most of them are anyway) and I really do enjoy being around them. Lately, I just really want to talk to them. I want to talk to my professors, not my friends. I don't know why, but I've always kind of been this way ever since seventh grade. I like talking to adults about how I feel, but I've also discovered that talking to them can cause them a lot of grief. I don't want to burden anyone with my feelings. Emotions are such complicated little things. Anyway, it's not that I can't talk to my professors, I know that I can, but I don't want to inconvenience them or put them behind in their work or keep them from assisting someone else who's struggling to learn some material.
November 18th, 2013
I've always wanted to make a difference in people's lives. When I was little, I wanted to be a doctor so that I could help people. I wanted to help save lives because I didn't want people to go through things that I had gone through. Now that I'm older, I've come to realize that it's really difficult to have an impact on people. I don't usually tell people my story, because it doesn't change people's minds and hearts. It's impacted very few people. It's not a story that needs to be told, but I always thought that if I told it then people would understand who I am and why I behave the way I do. If they only knew, then they'd understand why I'm quick to treasure people and hesitant to let them go. It's hard to make a difference. It looks and feels so easy with all of the people around me doing amazing things, but it's not. Transforming words into actions is actually one of the toughest things to do. You have to really want it, and even then it's sometimes not enough. I don't know what I want to do in the future. I don't even know if science is really for me. There's nothing else that I'm even remotely good at. Science is all I have going for me. It's the only thing that I'm interested in.
There are all sorts of people in the world. There are some who have their whole lives written out in ink. There are others who change their minds once they figure out what they truly want. And then there are people like me who drift along with no clue whatsoever.
I've never understood why people think that I'm going to do great things in life. Sure, I get good grades and I've faced my own fair share of hardship, but that's not at all indicative of who I will be in the future or what I will do someday. What is it that people see in me? I'm not a genius or a whiz kid like other people I know.
I do want to do great things in the future, but I'm a dreamer not a doer. I am words without the actions, spineless. Don't people see that? I don't know how to become a doer. I don't know how to make a difference in people's lives. I lack the courage and confidence that determined people have. I lack the spirit and fire that passionate people have.
I'm afraid of being a disappointment. No one wants to be a disappointment. My professors at SU, I want them to see me succeed, I want them to be proud of me. I don't want to let them down. They've made such a difference in my life. I'm not just a number, a face, or a name to them, I'm a real person with feelings and dreams.
November 17th, 2013
In the past couple of weeks, I've had some really great times. I've been visibly happier, I think. But I've become a lot sadder too and I can't quite understand why. I've become increasingly chattier in the days that have passed, but I haven't quite been able to get past surface conversations. Heart to heart conversations are hard to start. I like heart to heart conversations the best. I like hearing about what people have gone through and the way they feel and why they feel the way that they do. That's not to say that I don't like being silly and goofy, because I enjoy being a clown, but I can't express all of myself through sass and witty remarks.
I'll be honest. I loved high school overall, but I don't really find myself missing it. But lately, there is one thing that I wish for. The ability to talk to my professors. Of course, I didn't just talk to anyone back at Sherando, only very special teachers. When I couldn't talk to my peers or my friends, I would talk to the only people who seemed like they could fathom how I felt: the adults. I mean the science professors at SU are really great (most of them are anyway) and I really do enjoy being around them. Lately, I just really want to talk to them. I want to talk to my professors, not my friends. I don't know why, but I've always kind of been this way ever since seventh grade. I like talking to adults about how I feel, but I've also discovered that talking to them can cause them a lot of grief. I don't want to burden anyone with my feelings. Emotions are such complicated little things. Anyway, it's not that I can't talk to my professors, I know that I can, but I don't want to inconvenience them or put them behind in their work or keep them from assisting someone else who's struggling to learn some material.
November 18th, 2013
I've always wanted to make a difference in people's lives. When I was little, I wanted to be a doctor so that I could help people. I wanted to help save lives because I didn't want people to go through things that I had gone through. Now that I'm older, I've come to realize that it's really difficult to have an impact on people. I don't usually tell people my story, because it doesn't change people's minds and hearts. It's impacted very few people. It's not a story that needs to be told, but I always thought that if I told it then people would understand who I am and why I behave the way I do. If they only knew, then they'd understand why I'm quick to treasure people and hesitant to let them go. It's hard to make a difference. It looks and feels so easy with all of the people around me doing amazing things, but it's not. Transforming words into actions is actually one of the toughest things to do. You have to really want it, and even then it's sometimes not enough. I don't know what I want to do in the future. I don't even know if science is really for me. There's nothing else that I'm even remotely good at. Science is all I have going for me. It's the only thing that I'm interested in.
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