Forces of Destiny

I can say it now with confidence, with pride. I'm happy here. In August, I was so bitter, so resentful, about staying in the same place, even though it's a place that I'll always love no matter where I go. I didn't think I would ever accept it, but these feelings are real and honest. These feelings are mine to express and cherish. The welcoming aura, the warm feeling of love, that I was so afraid of was and is real. I was afraid that it was all a facade, but it wasn't. I was surprised.

I didn't think I'd adjust so quickly. I didn't think I'd find my niche. I've done a complete 180 since August. I have friends, people who've become so precious to me. I don't have to be afraid of being myself around people. I am free to be me. I am accepted as who I am.

Even the professors have become important people. Professors who care and really want to see us succeed, that's the kind of atmosphere I needed. In a university as small as mine, I'm not just a number or just a face, I have a name. I could never be in a place where the professors don't care to know my name. I could never imagine myself in a place where my university president didn't know my name. 

I don't regret my decision. I'll never regret it. I'm not sad anymore. And I'm not alone.

(The title of this post is the name of the song above. It's a nice song.)

Reflecting on Two Years

Happy two year heartiversary to me. Two years ago, I was given the single most important gift I'll ever receive in my whole entire life: a second chance to live freely and love unconditionally. 

It feels surreal to have made it this far. Two years ago, I would never have imagined that I'd still be here, but I'm glad to be. I feel guilty admitting this, but I don't wake up every morning and think to myself how thankful I am to be here. I know it's wrong, but I never realized how quickly I'd return to having a "normal" life, how quickly I'd become my usual ungrateful self. But I am thankful. I've experienced so much in the past two years. And no matter how unpleasant or painful or stressful some days were, I'm still thankful for them. 

I met people who could fully understand my feelings and what I've been through. I went hiking for the first time. I went to the drive-in theatre. I stayed out late on so many nights with my friends. I graduated from high school. And now I'm a college student. All of those things have happened since my first heartiversary.

I think around this time last year, I was still struggling with acceptance. I'm not anymore. But I haven't gotten closure yet. I have a letter that I still need to write and mail out. I wonder if there's a reason why I've waited so long, I think it's probably due to laziness. At the same time though, I wonder if it's because I'm afraid of my donor family choosing to not respond back. I want to meet them in person someday so I can get to know her. 

I don't tell people my story. I used to wonder why no one ever asked me about why I was gone when I came back to school in junior year. How many of them silently already knew? I wanted people to ask me. I don't hold anything against people for not asking. It's hard to ask about something like this, isn't it? Maybe it was because no one wanted me to feel uncomfortable. Even though I don't tell my story, I don't try to hide it. If someone finds out by reading my blog then so be it. Why should I hide? I'm not ashamed of being a heart transplant recipient and I never will be. Please don't ever feel sorry for me.

I'm not sure how much I remember from two years ago. I remember throwing up and feeling awful. I remember moments from the days I spent in the hospital like when Aisha and I played Sorry with Mike and when Kyle and I would watch Lingo together. And when Leigh, Aisha, Johnny, and I played the card game version of Sorry. Verna's kind personality and Mary Lou's cheerful disposition, I remember that too. I remember holding onto Kyle's hand when I had that dreadful NG tube put in; I hate that thing. I remember putting together a puzzle with Aisha and Nisha on the day I got out, I think it was. I don't remember being taken back to the hospital the next morning, but I do vaguely remember opening up my eyes and acknowledging that I was in the hospital; my blood pressure was insane at that time. I remember Kyle's birthday and how he shared his piece of cake with me and Aisha. I remember Halloween and how my hair was pulled into two pigtails; I still have the two hair ties somewhere. I remember crying on the morning of the procedure. I remember when Casey came to see me and brought jelly beans with her for me. I remember my Eid surprise from Bushra's family.

But my favorite moment from that time period is a sequence of moments. Dr. Scheel and Pat walked into my room one day. I thought to myself sarcastically about how they were going to tell me that they found a heart. And then Dr. Scheel said exactly that and I was so shocked that I couldn't believe her. I can't remember if that was when I started crying or not. I saw Kyle shortly after and he hugged me and said that he was happy for me. I know I was crying then. 

I've come a long way in two years though. I've reached my minimum of three medications at last. I reached it a while back ago actually. Honestly, I don't know how I managed to take so many pills two years ago. I don't know how the me back then endured all of that pain. I see the scars, but I don't remember the pain. That's probably for the better. But I'm not the only who had to overcome a lot. Sometimes I wonder if it was me who went through more hardship back then or if it was my family instead. I know that I still worry them from time to time, but I think they'll always worry no matter what. 

I wonder how much I've changed, if at all. I wonder because of cellular memory. It's just a theory, but I wonder if I've picked up any of her habits or if I like any of the things that she liked. It doesn't seem like I've changed much at all. I know that she was a good person. I know that her family is loving, I know that they are thoughtful and caring people. If they weren't, they never would have made the decision that they did. 
 
My thoughts are really scattered today. Honestly, I don't even know what to write, which is why it seems like I'm rambling. I don't know what to say anymore. I'm just happy to still be here. I'm thankful for each and every day that has passed. I'm thankful to my donor family for their decision. I'm thankful to my family for always loving me and looking after me. I'm thankful to my doctors and nurses and all other medical personnel who took excellent care of me and were so incredibly dedicated. I'm thankful to my DCM family who's always given me kind words of encouragement and support. And last, but not least, I'm thankful to my friends for putting up with me and being by my side no matter how many miles separate us. Thank you to all of you. I love you all. ♥

Most people only have one birthday, but I've been blessed enough to have two. ♥

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"Another fall day. An infinite blue sky to look up at, a thousand beautiful trees to enjoy, a hundred blows of the wind to refresh, a second chance and one lovely heart to love it all" - Shradha

"It is infinitely better to transplant a heart than to bury it to be devoured by worms." 
- Christiaan Barnard

Fateful Meetings

Do you believe in fateful meetings? That when you meet someone it's as though you were destined to meet them and cross paths? I don't know if I do. I wonder what it's like to have that kind of feeling though. Is it one of those feelings you have when you first meet someone or does it occur later on? How do you know that it's a fateful meeting? I wonder.

Today, I started watching a Jdrama called Last Friends. I've watched two episodes and if I had to describe it based on what I've watched, I'd describe it as heartbreaking and emotionally painful to watch; I can feeling myself breaking for the characters. The connections that the characters have right now are so tainted with inevitable sadness, heartbreak, and tragedy. I know it's just a Jdrama, but that doesn't make the feelings less real. Somewhere out there in the world, someone is experiencing or has experienced the pain that is present in Last Friends. Sure, the story isn't the same, but some variation of it has to exist. So far, in Last Friends, there have been two fateful meetings...proclaimed in the thoughts of two characters, of course. But as the story progresses, won't it all become a large fateful meeting? A tragic fateful meeting...

I really don't know if I'd describe any of my relationships as fateful meetings. I love the people in my life, but fateful is written nowhere. Is that wrong? I don't think that anyone I know believes that meeting me was fateful. I'd actually be surprised if anyone thought that. If fateful meetings really do exist, then I know that some of my friends have experienced at least one. Fateful meetings seem sad to me, it's as though there is no happy end in sight. That might just be the Jdrama getting to me though.



(Also, I totally have not been looking at the Wikipedia page for Last Friends. Nope, I don't know what happens to the characters in the end.

 ....yeah, I lied. I just read a spoiler. In a way, I guess it doesn't surprise me. At the same time though, even though I've read it, I'm still going to watch the show. I've got to see how this all plays out, I've got to see why these characters do the things that they do.)

Below is the theme song for Last Friends, which I will listen to on repeat until I become sick of it. Prisoner of Love by Utada Hikaru. 

 

Endings

Earlier today (I guess it would be considered to be yesterday, but it's not tomorrow until I go to sleep and wake up), I realized that endings are inevitable. When one chapter closes, another one begins. Of course, I've had this realization before. Back in my junior year, I feared the end of my high school career. I was probably afraid that I'd lose all of my friends, that I'd never see or talk to any of them. When it came time for high school to come to a close, I still felt some sadness because it was ending, but I silently promised myself that I would maintain my friendships. It's been a bit difficult, but I still have my friends. Even though most of us are miles away from each other, we haven't let go of each other. I wonder if we'll get to the point where we will turn away from each other. I know, it's not a happy thought, but won't these friendships I have come to an end? Or am I just being my usual pessimistic self? I can't be the only one who thinks about this kind of stuff...

Anyway, I felt a similar sadness to the one I felt when high school was ending. It's so strange, but I almost want to say that it hurt more. And for me to be able to say that means that I've come a long way since the start of college. A really long way in a short amount of time. There are already people that I don't want to lose, but I'm fearful that I will. I need to give more credit where it's due, I know that. I'm jumping to conclusions too quickly. At the same time though, time isn't indicative of how strong a friendship is though. I've known one of my good friends for around a year and a half or so, and I can't imagine who I'd be today without him. That's how I know that time isn't an indicator.

It's just disappointing to have this realization over and over again. In times like this, forever is a silly concept to me. Sigh. It's too soon to be thinking like this.

Impasse

I suppose this is an impasse of sorts. I don't know where this will go. But I want to apologize if I come across as too demanding. I'm unsure of how you view things because I don't know you well enough to know your frame of mind. Nevertheless, I'm sorry for expecting too much. I just wish you were more of a tangible person. Can you imagine yourself in my shoes?

I did distance myself in a way. I guess you could say that I still sometimes distance myself, but only when I'm not around you. You feel familiar to an extent, but somehow not enough for me to be entirely at ease. But I don't think this will become complete comfort. Too early to tell perhaps, but it seems that way now. There's a slight sadness hidden in the happiness because progression has been slow. That's not the real reason though. Tangibility. Can I reach you? 

"Normal"

When did this become my "normal"? And by this, I'm referring to college. I can't pinpoint the moment when it happened. How did I come to this level of acceptance? 

Once upon a time ago, my "normal" was high school. Those hallways that I once knew so well are being replaced; I'll always know my way around Sherando, but I never thought I'd figure out my way around SU. The people I saw each day or every other day, they're not the same anymore (with the exception of one person). And me, I'm falling into place somehow. SU is becoming my "normal" now.

Suddenly, I've started to look forward to seeing people at SU. I look forward to their kindness, their smiles, their laughter, their voices. I look forward to being around them and spending time with them, even if it's just because we have a class/lab together. I look forward to conversing with them, learning about them. I look forward to someday becoming friends with some of them rather than just being acquaintances or classmates/labmates.

If you can't bring yourself to love the place you are at, bring yourself to love the people and you'll begin to love the place too. I'll be honest. I've started falling for these people who are around me. And as time passes, I hope I can finally get to the point where I can wholeheartedly say that I love SU as well. For now, I'm learning to love it, but I need a little bit more time before I can say it to myself and believe it. And maybe someday I'll love walking to HHH, but probably not.

A Summer Sunset

Today I had the wonderful opportunity to have dinner at Tracy Fitzsimmon's (SU's president) house with other presidential scholars. And, as you can probably assume, I went to her house. Upon arrival, I was really awkward and shy/quiet. Of course, Tracy being who she is, had two returning presidential scholars go on a brief walk with a new presidential scholar. And I actually DID talk to the two returning presidential scholars that I happened to be paired with. With the help of Alex and Dorothy, I think I started to unwind a little bit. 

We all ventured inside of Tracy's house to go and have dinner. Now, she wanted us to NOT sit next to someone we had previously talked to. It was funny because Dorothy, Alex, and I sat at the same table. And I was extremely lucky because Silvino came to sit next to me. He's just someone who makes you smile and laugh for no reason. Chad, who is a biology and chemistry double major, sat on the other side of me. Garrett, who's also a freshman, was at the table with us; I remembered Garrett from the presidential scholar breakfast we had a few months ago. I think my table was the luckiest because we got Tracy. We managed a little bit of small talk. And today was one of the first times that I've been honest about how it feels to be a commuter. It does feel lonely, but maybe it won't always be that way. 

After dinner, we went upstairs to have dessert. Dessert was delicious. Apple pie and whatever the other thing was. So good. During dessert, I was being awkward again. Actually, up until this point, I was still being awkward. Thankfully, I was saved by Zack and Chad. This is when I discovered Chad's double major and also the trip to New York. Zack talked about his experience there when he had gone and it really sounded like such a good time. I mean, I've been to New York before, but I've never been sightseeing before so I'm looking forward to it. 

And the highlight of the night happened after dessert when we all went outside as a group. Some of us decided we wanted to feed the two horses; we fed the horses carrots and apples. It was a new experience and it was exciting. We were all just having a good time with each other. Silvino took a selfie with one of the horses; it was a good time. We all kind of dispersed after feeding the horses. Some people stayed by the fence and continued to talk, others were seen playing soccer, and the rest of us were just talking in small groups. I was in a group with Mirando, Kriti, Sapana and Tracy. It wasn't an extremely long conversation, but we all chimed in. Family, future, our majors, our lives. 

The sun was setting as it neared 8. A summer sunset. A moment of honest happiness. A feeling of hope for the future. A feeling of warmth and togetherness that I hadn't experienced in a group of so many people. And a curious wondering about whether or not these budding friendships will bloom and thrive. I'm still shy, but in this group of my own, I'm willing to try. I think the best part is that I don't have to fake it. It will take time, but next year I'd like to greet everyone with hugs. Just when I was unwinding, I had to leave. I surprised myself tonight. I didn't expect to have already fallen for them. Such different personalities, but all so kind at heart. I'm still iffy, but this is the first step in the right direction for me, I think.

You know those seemingly perfect scenes that sometimes happen in slice of life anime? That's what tonight felt like. The perfect sunset. 

I'm slowly remembering how to smile the way I used to. I'm remembering how to be me.