"It builds character"

I graduated from SU yesterday. What's more surprising was that I didn't cry at all yesterday. I told myself that I would feel differently from when I graduated high school. Honestly, graduating from college is so different from high school. I thought I would feel sadder when I graduated from high school, but I accepted it as it was. I was quite happy throughout graduation yesterday, despite the weather. The heartache, I realized, comes later. There is so much more emotion associated with college.

I'll go back to SU more than a few times this summer, I'm sure. (Probably tomorrow, if I'm being honest.) But it won't be the same anymore. I almost feel like a memory rather than a current existence. I'll never be a student at SU again. I'll never sit in my spot in HLSB to study or do homework or procrastinate. I'll never wander through the hallway on the third floor of HLSB to bother everyone as a student ever again. It's hard to not think of all of the things I'll never do again as a student. Even though I wanted to graduate (and have), I also didn't want to leave. I don't want to be forgotten.

There's a lot of pain and heartbreak in the buildings on campus, in the walls of those buildings, and on the sidewalks. I can still picture some of the memories clearly, I can transpose them onto the surroundings. Some of them happy, some of them not so much, but all of them make me nostalgic. For this reason alone, it'll be good for me to leave and move on. It's about time I pick up my feet and let them take me elsewhere, somewhere away from home and all of the emotion associated with home.

It's funny to think back to freshman year and how painfully awkward and quiet I used to be. I used to think I would never make any friends. And then something beautiful happened and I made friends. Unfortunately, as fate would have it, I didn't get to keep all of them. Time, distance, and different perspectives can really make or break a friendship. I also made mistakes too, and those mistakes costed me a few very precious friendships that I had assumed I would have forever. Do I regret it? Of course, I always will regret that there were people I lost because of my own actions. But some lessons take some hurting to learn from them. And now, I treasure the friends that I have been able to keep all the more. No matter what happens from here on out, I'll remember everyone I held dear at Shenandoah. Memories last for as long as you choose to remember them and I choose to keep all of the ones that I can, no matter how wonderful or awful they may have been.

Thank you to everyone who has been a part of my journey at SU, especially my family, my friends (those that I've made along the way and those who have been there from before), the professors of the biology department, the professors of the chemistry department, the one man physics department, the best general education professors one could ever have, Tracy, and so many others. And thank you to God, my family, my donor family, and my donor, without whom I would not have had the opportunity to make it this far.

Thank you, SU, for loving me so well despite me being a mess.

So, what's next? Summer. Work. A microeconomics class, much to my discontent. Hopefully lots of reading. Lots of Netflix, of course. Some SU visiting. Hanging out with friends. Spending time with family.

---
The title of this blog post is the most annoying and cringeworthy catchphrase I heard over the past four years at SU. Thanks, Dr. Kite.

"It is infinitely better to transplant a heart than to bury it to be devoured by worms"

Happy fifth heartiversary to me! (Or as Dr. Kite referred to it yesterday-"have a heart day.") It's hard to believe that it's been five years since I received my heart. I owe my very existence today to my donor family. Without their difficult decision, it's hard to say whether or not I'd be here today. Of course, I also have to thank the wonderful cardiology team, nurses, and other medical personnel I had at Johns Hopkins-specifically Dr. Scheel, Peggy, Kyle, Mike, Verna, and Dawn. I hold a lifetime of gratitude towards my family for their love, prayers, and patience. To the friends I held dear at the time, I thank you as well for your love. And finally, thank God.

It's strange to try to look back and recall the way things were five years ago. I don't have the best of memories for all the obvious reasons-people tend not to remember traumatic events. I was looking through my main email account yesterday and it's like I was reading about someone I didn't know. Rapid-ish weight loss, an inability to eat without feeling the need to throw, an inability to take medication because of that. All of those awful things among many others. Who was that person? I guess it sometimes surprises me that I was dying at 16. I have the scars to prove survival. Six scars in total. The biggest scar running down the center of my chest, also the same one that makes me cry from time to time when I become really aware of it. I wouldn't wish the way I felt or what I went through five years ago on anyone because it's scary, it's heartbreaking, it's traumatizing, it's everything that so many people are afraid of.

As a heart transplant recipient, life can be really hard. It's not easy to accept that your continued existence is because of someone else's loss. I have ugly days where I feel guilty for still being here. I feel guilty that my donor isn't here but I am. And I feel that guilt because I am unsure of whether or not I deserve my place in the world. And all of that makes me feel sad because even though I never knew my donor (and never would be able to), I know she wouldn't want me to ever feel guilty. I keep realizing time and again that I've been very well loved. And with all that love from so many people, feeling guilty becomes so silly. I am so loved, even on the days where I can't see it clearly. I am so loved. Thank you for loving me on days when I could not find it in me to love myself.

Between this heartiversary and last year's, I got my driver's license, survived a summer of constant research and work, and presented at a research conference. I have a bit of a headache right now so I can't think of any other things to add, but I'd say that's not too shabby. I am incredibly grateful to still be here on this Earth. To live and love people for another day, another month, another year. It's wonderful. 

Here's to my fifth heartiversary and hopefully many decades to come!

------
To my heart sister, Millie-our Dragonfly family misses you. It won't be the same without you when all of us get back together. But we will honor your memory by being there for each other and holding our own against whatever obstacles we may face. Love you always and forever. Rest peacefully, friend.

"I watched the world go round and round and see mine turning upside down"

Hello, friends. The word 'hello' looks weird to me today. It's been a long while since you've heard from me. I'll be back again shortly after this post to commemorate my five year transplant anniversary, but until then I'll leave you with how I've been.

I can't describe the past few weeks, or maybe month, as anything less than physically, emotionally, and mentally draining. In short, I've been something of a mess and it's starting to show in my academic performance and my general appearance and mood. I guess fall break couldn't come at a more appropriate time for me. I hope I can recompose myself to a better version of myself.

Happiness has been in and out of my reaches lately. And it's been a little lonely as far as my social life goes. I don't have much of one anymore--everyone is too busy, I feel really out of place and disconnected, and I'm too tired to do anything. I spend much of my free time with my professors and with a few friendly familiar faces in HLSB and that's about it. I guess that makes me kind of lame, but I take what kindness, humor, and love I can get.

I took my modern physics midterm exam today...or at least semi-tried to. I feel bad for Dr. Bly because he has to try to make sense out of my nonsense. You might be thinking that I'm being too hard on myself, but I promise that I'm not. All of my answers were complete rubbish. I wasn't prepared enough and it's obvious that I didn't learn anything in the past several weeks even though I should have. But I guess that's the price you pay when you jump off a cliff and try to build your wings on the way down. The worst part is how anxious I've been leading up to this midterm and knowing that it's not going to be okay. I used to think that any one of my chemistry classes was my match, but I was wrong. I've met my match and it's irrefutably physics and always will be. Dark, complicated, beautiful physics.

I'm still nowhere close to figuring out what to do after graduation. A lot of people tell me that it's okay, but that's hard to believe. I'm 21 and I don't have a clue. I used to think that I'd be that type of person who just goes to school for the rest of their life, but I'm not sure I could survive that much schooling.

Yesterday, I asked Dr. Haubrick why everyone believes in me except for me and she told me something along the lines of this: "Fawzia's biggest critic is Fawzia." I told Dr. Cantwell today that I think people overestimate me and she basically told me that they (the professors) are right in the way they perceive me, meaning that it's time for me to change the way I think of myself. I want to believe them so badly, but I just can't get my brain on board. And I really can't get it on board after that physics midterm. That's just not going to happen. I've become really great at disappointing lately.

I've been listening to Genesis a lot lately and went through a brief phase of listening to Sting and The Police. I think it's been helping to keep me in check...either that or it's been contributing to my overall gloominess. And I can't tell which it is today because today has been rough.

Sorry 'bout that. I sound too negative, I know. I know it doesn't sound like I am trying, but I am. I am trying. I'm just tired. Forgive me for the stream of negativity that has become this blog post. I'm just tired.

to be deleted some day

To my first love,

I’m glad that I loved you so strongly once upon a time, but even more grateful that we are still friends. I still love you, but time and distance have made the intensity of the love I felt for you back then less intense. I wanted to tell you about my feelings back then, but I didn’t want to destroy our friendship. I fear that a confession would most assuredly have had dire consequences and I was unwilling to lose you as a dear friend. But I’m pretty sure you knew how I felt from the hugs and how much I wanted to hold your hand and be close to you.

Your way of thinking and existing was fresh and new to me. I had never met anyone with a mind like yours. I learned so much from you. Knowing you made me a more informed person. Loving you made me softer and happier at heart. I still wonder from time to time whether or not you cared as much about me as I did you. I’ve always known that the answer was and still is no. I wanted to impact you as much as you impacted me, but I failed miserably. I’m sorry that I was never able to return the favor.

Please know that I’m not ashamed to have loved you back then, only worried that you wouldn’t want to be friends anymore, which is why I never said anything. I couldn’t have had a better first love. If by some chance you happen upon this note on my blog, promise me that you will place these words into the appropriate context—that is to say that these words, these feelings belong to a time in which I will not go back to out of respect for myself and for you.

Thank you for letting me love you back then and now.

"When there is an organ donor, life springs from death"

Happy fourth heartiversary to me! I make it a point to try to write a blog post for each year that passes and this time I'm not looking back at the old posts for any so-called inspiration. I'm on fall break right now so it means that I have time to be able to reflect and write, but doing both of those things hasn't become any easier considering the subject at hand.

It's a little morbid to lead off with, but I vaguely remember hearing from one of my cousins a few years ago that I looked like I was dying during the time when I was waiting for a heart, or something to that effect. To clarify, one of my cousins was relaying that comment from one of our other cousins so it wasn't something that I heard directly while I was waiting. And, well, it was true. I was dying. I can't look back and say that I wasn't. I couldn't even eat food without feeling an overwhelming urge to throw up. But then most amazing thing happened.

I'll never forget that day. October 19th, 2011, Dr. Scheel dropped by my room. I remember saying something along the lines of this to her: "So, are you here to tell me that there's a heart?" And then the twist came when she said yes. And then I asked her again because I didn't believe her. After she left, I cried and hugged my favorite nurse, Kyle, who just so happened to be taking care of me that day. He told me that he was so happy for me. And because of what happened that day, a 16 year old junior in high school didn't die. A daughter, a little sister, a niece, a cousin, didn't die. I didn't die. By the grace of God, my organ donor and her family, and the incredible transplant team at Hopkins, I lived. Not survived, but lived. I suppose it should be living rather than lived though. Surviving and living, although synonymous, are two different things. And I will be forever grateful.

I don't express my gratitude nearly enough as I should because life returned to what we'll call normal, but I am grateful. I've had my fair share of days where I really do want to give up, but there's always one thing that anchors me above all else (besides religion, family, and friends) and that's my donor. To this day, I don't know anything about her. But I hope that will change in the future when I reach out to her family once more. If anything at all, I just want to say thank you in person to her loved ones because their decision matters just as much as her choice to become an organ donor did.

To everyone who has helped me reach this day in my life, thank you and I love you. Here's to four years and decades more to come!

Sunset/Sunrise

The summer sun that I despise so much is about to set at last. It's the moment I wait for every summer and yet I don't wish to see this summer leave me. And there's one reason why I don't want this summer to end. That reason is that I've finally met all of my cousins, with the exception of one. It was a breath of fresh air to meet them, to get to know them, to finally be able to love them for all that they are. They went home yesterday morning and if I hadn't had to go to work, I would have cried so hard. But for every sunset, there is sure to be a sunrise.

Classes/labs are starting on Monday and while I'm not necessarily looking forward to being stressed out on a daily basis or having to attend classes/labs, I am grateful for the routine and structure that classes/labs will provide. I have a feeling that this semester, and the entire academic year, will be very different from the past two years. And I haven't yet ascertained whether or not the difference will be relatively positive or relatively negatively. I guess I have to wait for the sunrise on Monday to really know what it's going to be like this year.

The End of an Era

It's hard to believe that sophomore year is over now, that I'm a junior in college and I still have no idea what I want to do in life. It feels like a lot has changed over the past two years and then almost nothing at all, but I think that's because I haven't made much progress towards any of my goals. I've always been slower than everyone else, I think it's one of my fatal flaws among other things.

Sophomore year of college, Alice says it's the most difficult year of college. I don't think I can say that she's right or wrong just yet, but I do understand why she said that. First semester of sophomore year was pure agony with regards to classes. Three science classes with labs and two gen eds wasn't the best idea. But the first semester was also a lot of fun because I actually did things like going to an apple orchard with friends, seeing shows featuring the ever so talented folks of the conservatory, and sleeping over in Anne and Osinachi's room. First semester was the conference room era, the intense study sessions together...or maybe not so intense because I remember goofing off a lot. It was when I was in the UI almost every single day without fail, including the weekends too. Second semester was very different from that. Our schedules stopped coincided the way they used. I had a smaller load of classes and classwork to worry about and yet it seemed like I was much busier. As stressful as a full schedule is, I think it prompts you to make time for doing fun stuff rather than just happening upon it like this semester. But there was still a lot of good that came out of this semester: me starting to watch Parks and Rec, having my first frappuccino with Lila and Kyle as my witnesses, and pretty much all of Apple Blossom weekend. This semester was the end of an era. Sounds weird saying that now even though I'm only halfway through college, but it's true in a way because of who I'm losing and who I'm gaining and all of the changes that are going to settle into place in the fall. To my three dear friends who are moving on, Leesun, Kyle, and Lila, I wish you the best of luck and I will see you later--although, I really hope that later comes a lot sooner than when I think it will. And to my dear Symone, it's so wonderful to have you back.

I will miss sophomore year for a lot of reasons. There are a lot of good memories that I'm taking away from this academic year. I only hope that junior year is just as much fun.