First Semester Reflection

As of yesterday, my first semester as a college freshman ended. Honestly, it's been so surreal. The past couple of months have been so unreal. I can't believe that I won't be waking up early on Monday for class.

I wish I could go back to August and tell myself that it would all turn out just fine. I vaguely remember how I was in the beginning. I was bitter and lonely. I was awkward too, but that doesn't count since I'm always awkward. I'm sitting here trying to think back that far. Those first couple of weeks...I didn't really have anyone. But then something good happened, my awkward self went to Tracy's house for dinner. My awkward self had an awkward good time. And because of that awkward good time, I met people who I now consider to be friends. That's when I met Silvino, who is not only a friend, but also one of the reasons why I have friends. It's kind of funny actually because Silvino ended up being a catalyst for me. My willingness to open up is something that I partly attribute to him. Things slowly began to unwind after he'd continuously acknowledge me and I felt myself becoming more comfortable with being at SU. And eventually, I started to love SU. And the various people that I interacted with frequently soon became people worth holding onto, friends. I think this goes without saying, but I'm really grateful for the new friends I've made.

I think I'm supposed to probably say something about how classes went, right? In an overall sense, they went well. Some classes were definitely a lot better than others, that's for sure. Sometimes classes seem like they are going to be a lot of fun, but then they turn out to be boring and kind of pointless. That did happen. In the same line of thought, sometimes classes seem like they are going to be super difficult or stressful, but they turn out to be pretty chill. Eh, I guess for the last one I should have said lab, ah whatever. And as always, some professors turn out to be better than others. I'm kind of in love with about half of the science professors at SU. Not even slightly ashamed to admit that, because they're so awesome. At this point in time, I'm anxiously waiting for my grades...and eagerly awaiting the start of the second semester because I need human contact.

At first glance, what appeared to be a cruel twist of fate on that August day blossomed into a beautiful blessing. In short, it's been a bittersweet first semester. There are days that I already miss and wish to relive again, BUT there are so many wonderful days that are yet to come and I'm looking forward to them.

Below is the song I listened to while writing this post. Scottish Gaelic is so pretty. ♥

ISFJ

I have an ISFJ personality type according to an online test based off of the Myers-Briggs test. I, for the most part, agree with everything that is said, assuming that the test and results are accurate.

ISFJs have a lot of feelings. That being said, I am a very emotional creature and I struggle with that all the time. I'm okay at expressing my emotions, I think. I'm not sure if I've gotten better at expressing the way I feel or not. I'm the first to let you know when and if I'm happy, because you will hear me. Sadness and loneliness are feelings that I'm still working on being honest about. I'm not very good at hiding my feelings so I think people generally see right through me as a result. Negativity when allowed to settle in and take root is hard to unlearn. I go through phases of optimism and pessimism, but am generally a pessimistic person by nature which might be considered odd because I'm an idealist and a complete dreamer at heart. I'd like to believe that I look for the best in people, but I don't know if I truly do or not. I'm pretty critical and judgmental towards myself. I know that I'm hard on myself, but I don't know how not to be. Accepting yourself is one of the hardest things a person has to do. Acceptance of yourself, I think, determines your level of confidence.

There are some sources online that describe ISFJs by their "need to be needed." I don't know about other ISFJs, but I find this to be particularly true for myself. I do need to be needed. I require a lot of attention, which might not show very easily, but I think it does. I'm someone who needs constant encouragement and support. For me, constant encouragement and support means smiles, hugs, hands to hold, ears ready to listen, and kind words. I can fall apart very quickly and get lost in a depressed state without positivity from others. And as I'm sure you can probably assume, I don't do well with criticism because I'm overly sensitive about everything.

Apparently, ISFJs learn best through practical applications. Heh, I don't know what to think about that considering that I'm not a fan of practical applications. Or rather, it's not so much that I dislike practical applications, I just like being shown what to do so that I know I'm doing things correctly, which is why labs can be difficult for me. That and I'm a slow worker. I can get something done for you, but I need to be allowed to work at my own pace. I don't like time constraints for that reason. I'm a firm believer that time constraints are not at all indicative of your knowledge or comprehension on a subject and should never be used to determine a person's level of intelligence. Time constraints are inconclusive.

ISFJs are often described as loyal, caring, and deep people. Er, well, I suppose that fits me. Someone once told me that I was/am a deep person. *shrug* I'm actually kind of obnoxious because I like to know about people's lives like who they are and how they feel. I like listening to others and it's kind of the only thing that I can do, and I often regret that I can't be of any help beyond that. I think of myself as someone who falls for people too easily. When I say that, I mean that I care too much and focus in on the parts of people that I like. For example, someone might see a person as being slightly socially awkward, but I'm over here fangirling over how kind said person is. Whoosh. I guess that's an indirect way of saying that I don't readily notice people's faults and imperfections, only their perfections. And yes, that example I just provided is actually (and very sadly) real. I'm attracted to the kindness in people, and have a really bad habit of chasing after it. I believe that kindness is one of the most beautiful qualities a person can have.

Loved

I've been going through a really rough patch lately. It's been more of an emotional roller coaster ride. These days, I mainly feel one of two emotions: happiness or sadness. I keep switching back and forth within hours without meaning to. I don't hate college or the people I've come to befriend, but it's been hard. It's difficult being a commuter. I have days when I feel like I really belong and days when I feel so left out. And no one has bridged the gap.

Yesterday, I saw Lauren and Claire. We went to IHOP. And it felt so good to see them again. Normalcy was temporarily reestablished in those few hours. I was myself, my real self. And today, I spent some much needed time with Lauren, Megan, and Kasey. We mostly just snuggled and cuddled and just talked. We laughed like we used to. I missed the familiarity, the weirdness, and the way I could just be myself. I was happy. Content. At peace. I think it's true when they say that distance makes the heart grow fonder.

My college friends, I like them very much. But I feel so left out, kind of empty inside, when I'm with some of them. I don't know why I feel like I'm unimportant. I don't know what to do in order to feel like I'm complete. Half of the time when I'm with them, I'm ready to fall apart because I don't feel loved. So, if we're friends and you've been curious about how I've been feeling, this is it. This is what's been eating at me.

I'm glad that I'll be able to see all of my friends properly in a few weeks if I don't see them now. Being able to see them at intervals makes college and our separation bearable. And so, at this point in time, I'm content. I'm content because I've been reunited with some of my favorite people in the whole world. It feels good to be loved by friends and know that it's true.

Fragmented Feelings

November 14th, 2013 

There are all sorts of people in the world. There are some who have their whole lives written out in ink. There are others who change their minds once they figure out what they truly want. And then there are people like me who drift along with no clue whatsoever.

I've never understood why people think that I'm going to do great things in life. Sure, I get good grades and I've faced my own fair share of hardship, but that's not at all indicative of who I will be in the future or what I will do someday. What is it that people see in me? I'm not a genius or a whiz kid like other people I know.

I do want to do great things in the future, but I'm a dreamer not a doer. I am words without the actions, spineless. Don't people see that? I don't know how to become a doer. I don't know how to make a difference in people's lives. I lack the courage and confidence that determined people have. I lack the spirit and fire that passionate people have.

I'm afraid of being a disappointment. No one wants to be a disappointment. My professors at SU, I want them to see me succeed, I want them to be proud of me. I don't want to let them down. They've made such a difference in my life. I'm not just a number, a face, or a name to them, I'm a real person with feelings and dreams.


November 17th, 2013

In the past couple of weeks, I've had some really great times. I've been visibly happier, I think. But I've become a lot sadder too and I can't quite understand why. I've become increasingly chattier in the days that have passed, but I haven't quite been able to get past surface conversations. Heart to heart conversations are hard to start. I like heart to heart conversations the best. I like hearing about what people have gone through and the way they feel and why they feel the way that they do. That's not to say that I don't like being silly and goofy, because I enjoy being a clown, but I can't express all of myself through sass and witty remarks.

I'll be honest. I loved high school overall, but I don't really find myself missing it. But lately, there is one thing that I wish for. The ability to talk to my professors. Of course, I didn't just talk to anyone back at Sherando, only very special teachers. When I couldn't talk to my peers or my friends, I would talk to the only people who seemed like they could fathom how I felt: the adults. I mean the science professors at SU are really great (most of them are anyway) and I really do enjoy being around them. Lately, I just really want to talk to them. I want to talk to my professors, not my friends. I don't know why, but I've always kind of been this way ever since seventh grade. I like talking to adults about how I feel, but I've also discovered that talking to them can cause them a lot of grief. I don't want to burden anyone with my feelings. Emotions are such complicated little things. Anyway, it's not that I can't talk to my professors, I know that I can, but I don't want to inconvenience them or put them behind in their work or keep them from assisting someone else who's struggling to learn some material.


November 18th, 2013

I've always wanted to make a difference in people's lives. When I was little, I wanted to be a doctor so that I could help people. I wanted to help save lives because I didn't want people to go through things that I had gone through. Now that I'm older, I've come to realize that it's really difficult to have an impact on people. I don't usually tell people my story, because it doesn't change people's minds and hearts. It's impacted very few people. It's not a story that needs to be told, but I always thought that if I told it then people would understand who I am and why I behave the way I do. If they only knew, then they'd understand why I'm quick to treasure people and hesitant to let them go. It's hard to make a difference. It looks and feels so easy with all of the people around me doing amazing things, but it's not. Transforming words into actions is actually one of the toughest things to do. You have to really want it, and even then it's sometimes not enough. I don't know what I want to do in the future. I don't even know if science is really for me. There's nothing else that I'm even remotely good at. Science is all I have going for me. It's the only thing that I'm interested in. 

Dragonfly Retreat #2

This past weekend I spent some time with a group of people that I regard as a second family, my Dragonfly family. It felt so nice to be back around people who understand what I've been through, what I go through, and what I will go through someday. It's actually really funny to me how well things worked out this year. At the end of the retreat last year, I honestly don't ever remember being extremely close to anyone. I mean, I really liked everyone, but I was still new and adjusting. I think it's true when they say that distance makes the heart grow fonder. As soon I met back up with my old friends from last year, we all just clicked right away. I definitely enjoyed my second year as a camper more than I did my first year just because familiarity was already established.

We did a lot of really amazing activities this year. I liked the activities better this year. We did yoga (which by the way has made me sore...I definitely don't use all of those muscles on a daily basis!), which was new this year. We also went ziplining and went on the giant swing. I went ziplining at the same time as Dr. Scheel. I went on the giant swing twice. The first time was with Bre and Tanner. The second time was with Dr. Scheel and Kelly. On the second time around, I pulled the blue rope to make us drop. I was so excited about doing that. The high ropes was new this year. Let me be the first to say that I'm all about adrenaline rushes, but high ropes are not my cup of tea. Unfortunately, I didn't realize that until after I got through it, but I'm still actually proud that I did it. High ropes aren't for everyone. Funnily enough, Darby loved the high ropes, but refused to go on the swing. To each their own. There was smoothie making and a little bit of winding down time after our adventures. And then we did karaoke of sorts, which was hilarious but it actually turned out being a lot of fun after we loosened up. The songs of the night, in my opinion, were "We Are Family," "Roar," "Blurred Lines," and "Gangnam Style." When "We Are Family" came on, pretty much everyone jumped up and let go. It was a really great Saturday and I hope we keep these activities because it's the activities that start to bring us together. Earlier this morning, we decorated little buckets and put a list of things we want to do in life inside of them. We essentially created bucket lists. (Except I didn't actually get the chance to make my list so I will get to that eventually. I thought it was definitely a cute and creative idea.)

Last year, I remember feeling sad because it seemed like mostly everyone knew each other and they did because they had all been going to camp together for years. I think it just started off with the CHOP kids and now other hospitals are joining in. I am really glad that I got the chance to go again. I got the chance to make new friends and reconnect with my old ones. I tried new things and had all sorts of crazy fun experiences. I really like being away from "normal" people and spending time with my Dragonfly family because they all know the single most important thing about me and they'll never treat me differently.

During the Dragonfly retreat, our souls were set free. They danced and sang and laughed. They hugged and comforted and loved. Most importantly though, they soared high into the sky, spread their wings, and flew.

We are organizers and planners who make the magic happen. We are living with transplants or pulmonary hypertension. We are stubborn fighters and lovers. We are Dragonfly and we are determined to make the best of our lives whether we are "normal" or not.

Forces of Destiny

I can say it now with confidence, with pride. I'm happy here. In August, I was so bitter, so resentful, about staying in the same place, even though it's a place that I'll always love no matter where I go. I didn't think I would ever accept it, but these feelings are real and honest. These feelings are mine to express and cherish. The welcoming aura, the warm feeling of love, that I was so afraid of was and is real. I was afraid that it was all a facade, but it wasn't. I was surprised.

I didn't think I'd adjust so quickly. I didn't think I'd find my niche. I've done a complete 180 since August. I have friends, people who've become so precious to me. I don't have to be afraid of being myself around people. I am free to be me. I am accepted as who I am.

Even the professors have become important people. Professors who care and really want to see us succeed, that's the kind of atmosphere I needed. In a university as small as mine, I'm not just a number or just a face, I have a name. I could never be in a place where the professors don't care to know my name. I could never imagine myself in a place where my university president didn't know my name. 

I don't regret my decision. I'll never regret it. I'm not sad anymore. And I'm not alone.

(The title of this post is the name of the song above. It's a nice song.)

Reflecting on Two Years

Happy two year heartiversary to me. Two years ago, I was given the single most important gift I'll ever receive in my whole entire life: a second chance to live freely and love unconditionally. 

It feels surreal to have made it this far. Two years ago, I would never have imagined that I'd still be here, but I'm glad to be. I feel guilty admitting this, but I don't wake up every morning and think to myself how thankful I am to be here. I know it's wrong, but I never realized how quickly I'd return to having a "normal" life, how quickly I'd become my usual ungrateful self. But I am thankful. I've experienced so much in the past two years. And no matter how unpleasant or painful or stressful some days were, I'm still thankful for them. 

I met people who could fully understand my feelings and what I've been through. I went hiking for the first time. I went to the drive-in theatre. I stayed out late on so many nights with my friends. I graduated from high school. And now I'm a college student. All of those things have happened since my first heartiversary.

I think around this time last year, I was still struggling with acceptance. I'm not anymore. But I haven't gotten closure yet. I have a letter that I still need to write and mail out. I wonder if there's a reason why I've waited so long, I think it's probably due to laziness. At the same time though, I wonder if it's because I'm afraid of my donor family choosing to not respond back. I want to meet them in person someday so I can get to know her. 

I don't tell people my story. I used to wonder why no one ever asked me about why I was gone when I came back to school in junior year. How many of them silently already knew? I wanted people to ask me. I don't hold anything against people for not asking. It's hard to ask about something like this, isn't it? Maybe it was because no one wanted me to feel uncomfortable. Even though I don't tell my story, I don't try to hide it. If someone finds out by reading my blog then so be it. Why should I hide? I'm not ashamed of being a heart transplant recipient and I never will be. Please don't ever feel sorry for me.

I'm not sure how much I remember from two years ago. I remember throwing up and feeling awful. I remember moments from the days I spent in the hospital like when Aisha and I played Sorry with Mike and when Kyle and I would watch Lingo together. And when Leigh, Aisha, Johnny, and I played the card game version of Sorry. Verna's kind personality and Mary Lou's cheerful disposition, I remember that too. I remember holding onto Kyle's hand when I had that dreadful NG tube put in; I hate that thing. I remember putting together a puzzle with Aisha and Nisha on the day I got out, I think it was. I don't remember being taken back to the hospital the next morning, but I do vaguely remember opening up my eyes and acknowledging that I was in the hospital; my blood pressure was insane at that time. I remember Kyle's birthday and how he shared his piece of cake with me and Aisha. I remember Halloween and how my hair was pulled into two pigtails; I still have the two hair ties somewhere. I remember crying on the morning of the procedure. I remember when Casey came to see me and brought jelly beans with her for me. I remember my Eid surprise from Bushra's family.

But my favorite moment from that time period is a sequence of moments. Dr. Scheel and Pat walked into my room one day. I thought to myself sarcastically about how they were going to tell me that they found a heart. And then Dr. Scheel said exactly that and I was so shocked that I couldn't believe her. I can't remember if that was when I started crying or not. I saw Kyle shortly after and he hugged me and said that he was happy for me. I know I was crying then. 

I've come a long way in two years though. I've reached my minimum of three medications at last. I reached it a while back ago actually. Honestly, I don't know how I managed to take so many pills two years ago. I don't know how the me back then endured all of that pain. I see the scars, but I don't remember the pain. That's probably for the better. But I'm not the only who had to overcome a lot. Sometimes I wonder if it was me who went through more hardship back then or if it was my family instead. I know that I still worry them from time to time, but I think they'll always worry no matter what. 

I wonder how much I've changed, if at all. I wonder because of cellular memory. It's just a theory, but I wonder if I've picked up any of her habits or if I like any of the things that she liked. It doesn't seem like I've changed much at all. I know that she was a good person. I know that her family is loving, I know that they are thoughtful and caring people. If they weren't, they never would have made the decision that they did. 
 
My thoughts are really scattered today. Honestly, I don't even know what to write, which is why it seems like I'm rambling. I don't know what to say anymore. I'm just happy to still be here. I'm thankful for each and every day that has passed. I'm thankful to my donor family for their decision. I'm thankful to my family for always loving me and looking after me. I'm thankful to my doctors and nurses and all other medical personnel who took excellent care of me and were so incredibly dedicated. I'm thankful to my DCM family who's always given me kind words of encouragement and support. And last, but not least, I'm thankful to my friends for putting up with me and being by my side no matter how many miles separate us. Thank you to all of you. I love you all. ♥

Most people only have one birthday, but I've been blessed enough to have two. ♥

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"Another fall day. An infinite blue sky to look up at, a thousand beautiful trees to enjoy, a hundred blows of the wind to refresh, a second chance and one lovely heart to love it all" - Shradha

"It is infinitely better to transplant a heart than to bury it to be devoured by worms." 
- Christiaan Barnard