"Don't take your organs to heaven with you. Heaven knows we need them here."

Happy three year heartiversary to me. Three years ago today, someone saved my life. Of all of the gifts I'll ever receive in my life, none will ever surpass this one. There is no better gift than life itself.

Three years ago, there was a lot going on. I spent a considerable amount of time having to go to the hospital, taking numerous medications, and feeling in pain. I do still remember things that happened back then, but everything feels like such a blur, almost like a dream. (I blogged about those things in last year's reflection, I think.) I'm sure I would think of it all as a dream if I didn't have the scars to prove it. There's a lot that I miss from three years ago, most of which include some special people, particularly the nurses who cared for me. At the same time, there's a lot that I don't miss, there's a lot that I never want to have to go through ever again.

I've had a rough past couple of months and I'm still kind of in limbo with my emotional stability, but overall still thankful to be here. I don't wake up every morning feeling happy or thankful, and I wonder if that's a bad thing. It's probably not such a great way to be, all things considered. But I'm still human too so I hope that it's okay. Right now, I am happy and that's all that matters. 

I've become a lot more open with being a transplant recipient. It's a part of who I am so I make no efforts anymore to hide it away or be secretive about it. I think I used to believe that it was only something I should tell people that I'm close to, but that's a little silly. Of course, I don't run around shouting it at the top of my lungs, but it has come up. It's actually come up twice this semester already, once (okay, more like a couple of times) in public speaking and once in microbiology lab. Most people don't know this about me, but I like when my transplant comes up in conversation...or rather, when it can be introduced into conversation. (I think my favorite conversation about my transplant is probably when it was revealed to Dr. Gallagher in microbiology lab. I remember saying that my heart is not my own, that it was someone else's. Dr. Gallagher thought I was referring to being in love and joked about that. I got him pretty good by saying that my heart was literally not my own with a straight face. He got it after that and asked me about it.) I like being asked about my transplant, because it puts everything back into perspective for me. It helps me see where I was and where I am now. I'd like to believe that when people hear that I'm a transplant recipient that it gives them some kind of hope and will to live freely and love strongly.

This is the part where I say thank you. Without a doubt, I'm thankful to and for my donor and her family. I'm especially thankful to my wonderful transplant team and to all of the nurses who took care of me. Of course, I'm incredibly thankful for my family and my friends for their love. (Shout out to two of my friends who will always have a place in my heart, Tomy and Casey.) Even though I haven't been in touch for a long while, I still remember my DCM family and am grateful to them for their kind words and encouragement. And last, but not least, much love and thanks to my Dragonfly family for always caring. I love you all. 

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It is infinitely better to transplant a heart than to bury it to be devoured by worms.

-Christiaan Barnard 

Break

I know it's been a long time since I last blogged. College is the reason for that. Truthfully, freshman year is a joke compared to sophomore year. My free time has been cut in half since last year. Three science classes is nothing to be taken lightly. Everyone is busier than ever and I don't see some people as often as I used to, partly because of the workload from classes and partly because I'm probably not making the effort. I guess things have changed a little. 

I've definitely been down a lot more as of recently than I've been happy. I don't know what reasons, or excuses, I can give to explain myself so I won't bother with trying to give any. I think that at the same time while I've been brooding, everyone else has been struggling too. Love, friendship, academics, sanity. And in all of my sulking, I haven't been as good to everyone else as they have been to me. I think my own growth has been hindered by the way I've been behaving. 

I suppose I should mention that it's Fall Break right now. Yesterday, I found myself agonizing over my organic chemistry exam to the point where it kind of just made me really sad. I had the chance to see my exam and I really want to kick myself for missing so many easy questions, all of those silly mistakes I made cost me a lot. And so I know that I didn't get an A, but it eats away at me that I probably (hopefully) got a B. After I found out about my exam, I went to sit in BSC and I got to talk Alice before I left. She told me that I wasn't allowed to be productive when I got home so I didn't do anything. I took a nap, tried to watch something, and just let go of school. The conversation that I had with her was one that I was thankful for because it came at the right time. The words that she said were words that I needed to hear. If you keep poking at where it hurts, it's just going to hurt more. Stop poking where it hurts and let it heal. 

In other news, my heartiversary is in 9 days. I hope Monday is a good day. Also, Peggy said that I can be a bone marrow donor. I think I'm going to reconfirm, but I'm excited about that. 

Dragonfly Summer Camp

I've been away from home for days at a time before, but this time was a little bit different...

I went to Dragonfly's summer camp at Camp Fairlee. I technically went as a counselor in training, but I really ended up as just a camper. And to be honest, I still don't really know what I was supposed to have been doing anyway. But I had a wonderful time, one that I won't soon forget, one that I will cherish and hold onto forever.

Sunday was the first day of camp. It was a bit depressing to me. I felt so alone and awkward, even with my friends around me. I couldn't shake the feeling away. I wanted to leave and never come back, and I even considered telling Rhonda or Kathi that, but I didn't. I'm the kind of person that can give you my life story easily, but at the same time I'm also the kind of person that needs time to settle and become comfortable. That was the hardest part for me. When I'm around new people, I need time to show people who I am. It's like Maria said, I did become more confident by the end of camp. I wish I was that way from the beginning, but opening up to new people has never been easy for me.

Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday were all so fun. We did so many things: climbing a rock wall to go ziplining, sailing, going on nature walks, singing and talking at the campfires at night, water games, swimming, arts and crafts, chatting at mealtimes, staying up late talking, having a talent show, dancing, singing camp songs at odd intervals, and a lot more. I didn't get to learn how to sail, but I did ride on a big boat. The late night walk that a select few of us went on was a beautiful night. The stars were shining so bright and brilliantly and each of us were at peace. The campfires were so much fun. I have to admit that the camp songs were really silly, but they grew on me. I never want to forget them now. I didn't go swimming, but I put my feet in pool. I love how so many people got into bracelet making, it made me happy. I only participated in the water fight against the Pocomoke boys. The water obstacle course with the slide seemed like it was fun, but I was sick of water and wanted to stay dry. We shared our stories with each other and learned about our counselors, we teased playfully and laughed wholeheartedly at each other's silliness. I never thought that I'd miss all of the things that we did, but I do.

Thursday morning was a mixed bag of feelings. I've always been the kind of person who changes their mind. I was so sure that I'd be miserable at camp, but I wasn't. I endured through a rough first day and found myself glad to be there. I was standing with Manesh, Kathi, and Nathan, just listening and talking when an opportunity arose or when a question was directed towards me. Manesh asked me if I had enjoyed camp and I said yes. I couldn't meet his eyes or anyone else's so I looked at the ground with a big smile stuck to my face. I asked Manesh and Nathan what they got out of Dragonfly. Manesh talked about how special each of us are and Nathan talked about our bravery. I told them and Kathi that bravery was never a choice for us. We had to be brave. I said that it was because it was all we knew being in the situations that we found ourselves in. When I said that, I didn't really mean myself as much as I did everyone else. I look at Gwen, our Harvard graduate with a PhD and honors, and think of how mature and brilliant she is. I look at Darby and I see how strong her will to live life and enjoy every bit of it is, how determined she is. I look at Coralys, one of Dragonfly's younglings, and I just want to scoop her up in my arms and hug her because she's been through so much for being so young and it doesn't slow her down at all. I look at all of the Dragonfly campers that attended camp this year and I feel warm and fuzzy on the inside. I'm so amazed by how wonderful each of them are and I'm proud of them for everything that they've endured. And I guess I'm also amazed that I'm one of them too.

My heart aches for camp, for my Dragonfly family and friends. I never expected to think so fondly of my experience. I miss it so much. I miss my friends and the fun that we had together. I miss the counselors and their accents. They have some of the most beautiful voices that I've ever heard. It was so entertaining to hear them using different words to describe things (paper towels are kitchen rolls, flashlights are torches, fanny packs are bum bags, pants are underwear, sneakers are trainers, sweaters are jumpers, etc.). I admire all of the counselors so much. They work so incredibly hard and cater to the needs of the campers so well. On Tuesday, when we had our last campfire, I remember saying that I don't think I'll ever be like them. And I'm not sure who it was, my memory fails me, but someone said that I will be able to do the things that they do. At this point in time, I don't know if I'm capable. There is one important thing to be said: the counselors are now a permanent part of Dragonfly's growing family and they always will be, even if we never meet again. I know that everyone else changed the lives of the counselors (I don't include myself because I don't have an impact on people), but the counselors changed our lives too. Everything about them makes me want to be a better person, a stronger person than I am. I hope I can be like them someday.

I liked being away from home and being with people who know what it's like to be me. Most of us take the same medication and have had similar experiences. Even though Gwen (she's a multivisceral organ transplant) and Darby (she's got pulmonary hypertension) are going through different things than the rest of us, I know that they understand what it's like and I hope and would like to say that I understand what it's like for them too. At the end of the day, it doesn't matter if you've had a transplant or if you've got pulmonary hypertension (or if you're the family member or friend of someone who's had a transplant or has pulmonary hypertension), Dragonfly is a family. And I'm glad to be a part of it.
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"I'm the mermaid of dirt." - Bradley

"...flop around like a dead fish." - Bradley

"Fawzia, your butt's wet!" - Bre
"Shut up, Bre!" - Me
(Later on, Bre tells me that she just wanted everyone to look at my butt. My DHC friends, gotta love 'em.)

"Everywhere we go
people want to know
who we are and where we come from
so we tell them
we're from Dragonfly
mighty mighty Dragonfly
and if they can't hear us, we sing a little louder"
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If you'd like to make a donation of any amount (even the littlest bit counts) to Dragonfly Heart Camp, please follow this link:http://www.dragonflyheartcamp.org/index.html. The donate button is on the right side of the page if you scroll down just a little bit. Thank you for reading and thinking of us.

Freshman Year Concludes

I feel cold. I'm sitting by a window so that's to be expected, I guess. Hard to believe that it's supposed to be in the 80's this week. This is my obligatory end of my freshman year of college post. So much has happened in the span of two academic semesters, good and bad. This past week has been rather sad, probably because everyone is leaving. Everyone leaving SU means that everyone who is away will be coming home or is already home though so there is a bright side. 

I've come a long way since the beginning of the year. I hated SU the first few weeks because I felt so alone, but things got better. I made friends throughout the year and those friendships have grown strong. They aren't equivalent to the ones that I have with my friends here at home, but I think they could get there someday. We're still growing after all. We've had some rough patches and there are things that we're still going through, but hand in hand we'll get through all of it. And I won't give up on making things better. 

As far as grades are concerned, I'd love to have all A's this semester. However, I think it's a bit unlikely, which is kind of upsetting. I can't continue being so hard on myself just because I don't get an A in a class. College is a learning experience, but not in terms of the information that we learn. It's a time for us to discover/reinvent ourselves and create bonds with people. Sure, we learn important skills along the way, but the most important things we learn are not necessarily related to academics. I genuinely believe that to be true. 

Here's to the future semesters that will be filled with joy, confusion, sadness, fear, nuisances, and love. I'm ready to start again. 

Brain Dump

Sometimes, I think I'm the most fortunate person ever. Never mind the celebrities and millionaires, I got dealt a pretty good life. But my feelings about life are flexible, always changing. I can go from feeling very content with life to wishing I never existed in a matter of seconds. Life is a really painful, but beautiful journey.

Recently, I thought about the teachers and professors that have helped me and shaped me along the way. I wrote something off of those thoughts. In each paragraph that I wrote, I gave a brief background of what was happening or had happened in my life. At the end of each paragraph, I wrote how they have helped. Seven completely different individuals and still counting. In fact, I was thinking that I probably unintentionally left out someone who is very near and dear to my heart so let me make that eight instead of seven. Sometimes, it's not my family or my friends that make me feel so alive. As strange as it may sound, I've really enjoyed being around my teachers and professors (Not all of them, of course, just a select few.) I love having conversations with them, because it's different. I can be a different kind of myself with them. The truest version of who I am and who I want to be, I think, gets expressed the best when I'm with my professors.

Like I said earlier though, life isn't all peaches and cream. Even when there are so many people in the world who love you, sometimes you just don't want to exist. Sometimes you think that you're a mistake and/or that you're not worth it. Sometimes you want to run away and/or throw away your current life. Sometimes you want to escape and/or start over. And I think it's okay to feel all of those things. I've been there and back through all of them. When I was younger, I always wanted to run away, but I can't really remember why. Now that I'm older though, I think escape is more accurate. I've always wanted to get away, but it's so hard to tear out your own roots because life gets in the way sometimes. I never wanted to go to SU because I wanted to leave Winchester and Stephens City behind. I love my city and town, but I'm afraid that I might never leave. I love it here, I do, but I need the chance to breathe. Here, in Winchester, in Stephens City, this is where most of my hurts take root, this is where they live and thrive. There are too many memories here and it's overwhelming because I remember bits and pieces of the past wherever I go. It's happening at SU too. I love SU and the people who go there and work there. But after I graduate, I'd like to go somewhere else. I'd like to be in another state, a completely different place where I have to learn on my own.

"These are the scars deep in your heart
This is the place you were born
This is the hole where most of your soul comes ripping out
From the places you've been torn" 
-"Always" by Switchfoot

Embers

Hello there, how are you? I'm doing fairly well. I haven't blogged in quite some time due to life and college and stress and other things of that nature. Last week was spring break and it was absolutely wonderful to be off and not have so much to worry about with regards to homework and studying and going to class. However, this week has probably been the most stressful week of all out of the whole semester so far. A lot of my friends and I have been really high-strung and uptight lately, which is mostly due to a biology project that we're required to present. Speaking of which, I think I messed up my group's performance and probably brought it down because I stumbled and went blank. I'm so glad I decided to make note cards and take them up with me. Before the presentation, I think I was feigning confidence and not being nervous. As soon as it was my turn to speak, I completely lost it for whatever reason. I got through it though and so did my group. I don't feel so guilty, but there is a very slight tinge because I think I was the big problem. But honestly, I don't care because I did what I had to do. I'm not going to sit here and beat myself up over it. As soon as it was done, I left it in the time that it happened. It's in the past now. I realize that the time of the presentation and the overall performance won't matter in the future. It's not going to matter when I'm graduating college.

My Wednesday wasn't destroyed by that presentation though. I saw Gee and everything was just how it should be. Brittany and I caught up with her and filled her in on the gaps. So much time has passed and our lives are really so different, but we're the same with each other as we've always been. A stable friendship, I think it can be called. A stable friendship that I'm glad to have.

And for the rest of the day, I spent my time in one of my favorite ways. I spent it with my friends, talking and laughing, trying to reassure them. I've realized that we've all come so far. Our friendships aren't perfect, nor should they be, but we're making them best of our time together. Trials and tribulations will take place, but I know that we're a strong bunch and that we'll fight against whatever comes our way. We may not always be together, but we're with each other in spirit and reminding each other to keep our heads up.

Note: Here's my nod to the title! The title of this post is Embers, which is a song by Owl City. And for everything that's happened recently, I thought it was fitting. Right now, everyone is fighting their way through college. Whether we realize it or not, we're doing it together. And no matter how many awful days or times that there are, we'll make it to the end of the day. And we'll be shining like the stars that we are. And it will always get better.

First Semester Reflection

As of yesterday, my first semester as a college freshman ended. Honestly, it's been so surreal. The past couple of months have been so unreal. I can't believe that I won't be waking up early on Monday for class.

I wish I could go back to August and tell myself that it would all turn out just fine. I vaguely remember how I was in the beginning. I was bitter and lonely. I was awkward too, but that doesn't count since I'm always awkward. I'm sitting here trying to think back that far. Those first couple of weeks...I didn't really have anyone. But then something good happened, my awkward self went to Tracy's house for dinner. My awkward self had an awkward good time. And because of that awkward good time, I met people who I now consider to be friends. That's when I met Silvino, who is not only a friend, but also one of the reasons why I have friends. It's kind of funny actually because Silvino ended up being a catalyst for me. My willingness to open up is something that I partly attribute to him. Things slowly began to unwind after he'd continuously acknowledge me and I felt myself becoming more comfortable with being at SU. And eventually, I started to love SU. And the various people that I interacted with frequently soon became people worth holding onto, friends. I think this goes without saying, but I'm really grateful for the new friends I've made.

I think I'm supposed to probably say something about how classes went, right? In an overall sense, they went well. Some classes were definitely a lot better than others, that's for sure. Sometimes classes seem like they are going to be a lot of fun, but then they turn out to be boring and kind of pointless. That did happen. In the same line of thought, sometimes classes seem like they are going to be super difficult or stressful, but they turn out to be pretty chill. Eh, I guess for the last one I should have said lab, ah whatever. And as always, some professors turn out to be better than others. I'm kind of in love with about half of the science professors at SU. Not even slightly ashamed to admit that, because they're so awesome. At this point in time, I'm anxiously waiting for my grades...and eagerly awaiting the start of the second semester because I need human contact.

At first glance, what appeared to be a cruel twist of fate on that August day blossomed into a beautiful blessing. In short, it's been a bittersweet first semester. There are days that I already miss and wish to relive again, BUT there are so many wonderful days that are yet to come and I'm looking forward to them.

Below is the song I listened to while writing this post. Scottish Gaelic is so pretty. ♥