Today I had the wonderful opportunity to have dinner at Tracy Fitzsimmon's (SU's president) house with other presidential scholars. And, as you can probably assume, I went to her house. Upon arrival, I was really awkward and shy/quiet. Of course, Tracy being who she is, had two returning presidential scholars go on a brief walk with a new presidential scholar. And I actually DID talk to the two returning presidential scholars that I happened to be paired with. With the help of Alex and Dorothy, I think I started to unwind a little bit. We all ventured inside of Tracy's house to go and have dinner. Now, she wanted us to NOT sit next to someone we had previously talked to. It was funny because Dorothy, Alex, and I sat at the same table. And I was extremely lucky because Silvino came to sit next to me. He's just someone who makes you smile and laugh for no reason. Chad, who is a biology and chemistry double major, sat on the other side of me. Garrett, who's also a freshman, was at the table with us; I remembered Garrett from the presidential scholar breakfast we had a few months ago. I think my table was the luckiest because we got Tracy. We managed a little bit of small talk. And today was one of the first times that I've been honest about how it feels to be a commuter. It does feel lonely, but maybe it won't always be that way. After dinner, we went upstairs to have dessert. Dessert was delicious. Apple pie and whatever the other thing was. So good. During dessert, I was being awkward again. Actually, up until this point, I was still being awkward. Thankfully, I was saved by Zack and Chad. This is when I discovered Chad's double major and also the trip to New York. Zack talked about his experience there when he had gone and it really sounded like such a good time. I mean, I've been to New York before, but I've never been sightseeing before so I'm looking forward to it. And the highlight of the night happened after dessert when we all went outside as a group. Some of us decided we wanted to feed the two horses; we fed the horses carrots and apples. It was a new experience and it was exciting. We were all just having a good time with each other. Silvino took a selfie with one of the horses; it was a good time. We all kind of dispersed after feeding the horses. Some people stayed by the fence and continued to talk, others were seen playing soccer, and the rest of us were just talking in small groups. I was in a group with Mirando, Kriti, Sapana and Tracy. It wasn't an extremely long conversation, but we all chimed in. Family, future, our majors, our lives. The sun was setting as it neared 8. A summer sunset. A moment of honest happiness. A feeling of hope for the future. A feeling of warmth and togetherness that I hadn't experienced in a group of so many people. And a curious wondering about whether or not these budding friendships will bloom and thrive. I'm still shy, but in this group of my own, I'm willing to try. I think the best part is that I don't have to fake it. It will take time, but next year I'd like to greet everyone with hugs. Just when I was unwinding, I had to leave. I surprised myself tonight. I didn't expect to have already fallen for them. Such different personalities, but all so kind at heart. I'm still iffy, but this is the first step in the right direction for me, I think.
You know those seemingly perfect scenes that sometimes happen in slice of life anime? That's what tonight felt like. The perfect sunset. I'm slowly remembering how to smile the way I used to. I'm remembering how to be me.
Well, I've successfully survived my first week of college as a freshman. A freshman commuter student, I should add. And I will be honest, it wasn't half as terrible as I'd expected it to be. In keeping with honesty though, it wasn't particularly full of rainbows and sunshine either. I don't want anyone to think that I'm denouncing my college, because I'm not. College is different for everyone. And I know that I sound really pessimistic (because I kind of am), but there were some good moments that occurred in the week. Now, let's see how much I remember, shall we? Monday. First day of classes. Four classes. Three of the four classes in a row. First class of the day was/is statistics. The first class wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. My professor is out for the semester so a different professor is teaching the course. He's sarcastic, I like that. He basically spent the whole first class telling us that we have to major in something meaningful, in something that will allow us to be able to get a job after college. My second class was/is biology. I was really surprised when I got to the room because it seemed like all the seats were taken. I located the first open seat I saw and hesitantly went to sit down. I sat next to a guy named Ansel, and across from him sitting in a seat against the wall was a guy named Evan. (I told myself I wasn't going to use names, but I figured it's fine since they'll never read this.) They're both sophomores, and they seem nice. My third class was/is Spanish and I was dreading it. I was really nervous, because it's an intermediate Spanish class. I actually thought I was the only freshman in the class, but I have since then discovered that there is another freshman besides myself and that is a great relief to me. Break in between for lunch. Did we go to the Dining Hall that day, Brittany? I think we did. First year seminar after that. Goofy/awkward introductions, but not bad. And then.....HOME FREE...because I didn't go to work. That was my Monday. No, I'm not going to talk about the rest of the week in that format so you can relax. On Tuesdays, I only have chemistry. Tuesday was the first day I went to work. It was also the day I met Donna and Sherry. They're a lot of fun to be around and I really like them. I have to watch The Big Bang Theory for them. Wednesday was my worst day. It was rainy and I made the grave mistake of wearing black flats and white socks. My shoes and socks got soaked. I went home to remedy that situation and came back to school only to be stuck there for at least 7 hours straight. On Wednesdays, I have the same classes that I have on Mondays with the addition of chem lab at 7, which really sucks. I went into work on Wednesday a bit later than I should have because I really hit it off with Liz, one of my FYS mentors. And for the first time at SU, it felt like someone understood my perspective and how I felt. On Thursdays, I have chem in the morning and bio lab at 3:30. I feel the opposite of intelligent in bio lab. On the upside, I met another sophomore. Her name is Annie and she's also in my biology class. And my Fridays are just the same as my Mondays. Carolyn showed me the ropes at work on Friday, which was really nice. I saw Allie in her cubicle and it made me happy. So, how do I feel about my classes/labs after my first week? I feel okay. I'm not as nervous about Spanish anymore. I feel like it's possible to survive the class. I'm still not thrilled about my two labs. Statistics is super boring and I'm amazed that I didn't fall asleep in class on Wednesday or Friday. Biology will be just fine, I'm sure. And chemistry won't be so bad either. I mean, it's really hard to sit there and be annoyed because Dr. Ca just makes you perk up. FYS will probably be fine as well. How do I feel in general? Still a bit left out and alone. I don't have any new friends, but that's okay. I still have friends, it's just that most of them aren't here with me. I guess I'll make new friends eventually. For now though, I suppose I'm just fine on my own.
At long last, it begins tomorrow. What is 'it' you might ask? College. Or more accurately, college classes. Tomorrow is also the start of early waking, which I'm not really looking forward to.
I've had a really hard time dealing with how I feel about college. I've gone back and forth between being really pessimistic and slightly optimistic. Honestly, I'm trying to be indifferent about it. I'm trying to not have expectations, but it hasn't really worked. What can I say? Life as a commuter feels rough. It's going to be different. My last day of summer is today. I haven't done anything productive. I have so much left to do in order to prepare for tomorrow. I still have to ready my bookbag with my books, binders, paper, pencils, electronics, and so on. I still have to pick out what to wear tomorrow...yes, I am one of those people. I've got laundry to do and two letters to write. I wonder if college will change me. I've already felt myself changing ever so slightly. The ability to goof off, be sarcastic and sassy, I'm losing it. Looking back though, it took some time for that kind of me to surface. I'm quieter now than I used to be a few months ago, restless too. Maybe a bit sadder too, but that's my own doing. It reminds me of how I was during my junior year when I returned to school. I guess I'll perk up once I have a set routine.
I just hope I can handle my workload. Stress, I welcome you back into my life once again.
"And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom."
Can we blossom on command or at a fixed time, can we be forced to do so? I wonder. It hurts one's potential if they are forced, I think. There is a limit when it comes to pushing people. Some people don't see that, and inadvertently tarnish what could have been beautiful.
The difference between those who have blossomed and those who remain tightly in a bud, is it visible to those around us? I guess it depends on the person. You can see it on the outside with certain people. The ones who are still buds, sometimes you can see it in their eyes. Their eyes say, "I'm not ready." If an opportunity for possibly blossoming arises, should it be taken? The obvious answer is yes. The hesitation shouldn't exist, but it does.
Somehow, I feel like I've already talked about expectations on a previous post, but whatever. You get to hear about them again. Today, my dad and I went to meet Mr. Wilkins, Jr. I received a scholarship from SU in his father's name. He told me about SU's humble beginnings and his father's hard work to help the university become what it is today. I also found out that Mrs. Cutshaw was the first recipient of the Wilkins scholarship, which was surprising and not surprising at the same time. It surprised me because I honestly didn't expect to hear about her. It didn't surprise me because that's just like her. Kind of a contradiction, I know. Anyway, just before we left after meeting him, he basically wished the best for me. I can't really remember much from this morning anymore, but I think he said something about how people who get this scholarship end up doing great things. BAM. Expectation right there. I'm not upset at his words or mannerisms or anything, because I'm guilty of having expectations too. Most of us, if not all, are guilty of it. Expectations can put such pressure on people though. It all depends on the person. Some people just brush it off. And others feel burdened by the mere thought of making a mistake. I'm one of the latter. When I was younger, I knew what I wanted to be. I knew what I wanted to do. As I've gotten older, I've become unsure. It's silly to want to match up to what people expect of me, I know that. Being the youngest in my family and living in a competitive country as it is doesn't make it any easier though. If anything, it makes it more difficult. I've always felt pressured to do well. I've been trained to believe that I must do well or else. If we had no expectations of people, would anything get done at all? Or is that a silly musing? I wonder.
Change is funny, isn't it? It happens so gradually. People you once knew like the back of your hand become strangers. Strangers become familiar. Families are torn from on the inside, but look perfect on the outside. High school ends, college begins. They move away. Enthusiasm fades out. Promises made. Promises broken. How much has changed in the past few months I wonder? College is starting soon. The first day of class is in 14 days, two weeks away. I'm living at home, which isn't a bad thing. No, it's not a bad thing. I try to remember that silly story my dad told me. I won't go into the details of the story, but the gist of the story is that things happen for a reason, things happen for the better. I'm clingy, but unsure at the same time. High school seemed easier. I don't want to hate college without giving it a chance, but I don't want to decide to like it beforehand like he did. (In a few years, I wonder if I'll remember who 'he' is. Maybe. Maybe not.) It's funny though because I am just the way she said I was. I reach for people, but pull back if the situation starts to look iffy. I did that to someone already, but I don't feel sorry. That person hasn't noticed so I think it's okay. It's unlikely that I'll see them around campus anyway. Is that wrong? Maybe it is, but I really don't feel sorry. No one got hurt. I'm legally an adult, but I don't feel like one. My cousins, for the most part, are all adults too. When did we grow up? I miss them. I miss the old days. We've all become so different. The ones who live in NY haven't noticed the change amongst themselves, but I've noticed a little bit of it. Most of it is in regards to how I perceive them though. He's a bit quieter than I remember him, no longer someone that I know. She's outspoken, free and honest, flowing like a river. He's an open book, trusting and trustworthy in return, no longer a quiet mystery. Like buds, each and every last one of them has blossomed into a flower. Such different flowers, some with thorns and others with none. ---- Yeah, I'm done for now. Expect something from me again shortly after August 26th. See you then!
Well, I got back home from California today. And while it feels nice to be back home in Virginia, I already miss California. For those of you wondering why I was in California, I was there for IFL (Institute for Leaders) and the FBLA NLC (National Leadership Conference). I participated in the Healthcare Administration event, which was just a test. Before I talk about the results and all of the sightseeing and Disney and excitement, I'm going to ramble about IFL. Institute for Leaders, or IFL, was a two day seminar (or so it says on the FBLA-PBL website) full of motivational talks and workshops. Honestly, IFL was really awkward. It was only awkward because I'm awkward though. I really don't know how to talk to people. I was really fortunate to become friends with someone though, a girl named Jessica from Colorado. I suppose we're more of acquaintances than friends, but I really do want to continue talking to her. Because of Jessica, I realized something important for future reference. During IFL, we had to get up and move around and obtain contact information from people. All of my conversations never surpassed the introductory stage, except my conversation with Jessica. For every 10-15 people or so that I interact with ever so slightly, there will always be someone who is willing to take a step towards me. In the case of IFL, that person was Jessica. Although I briefly talked to a girl from Tennessee named Michelle and a girl named Wendy from Washington, I don't think either of them really thought me as someone to keep in touch with. We were all just trying to survive IFL after all. We did some fun activities in the workshops and I actually learned a good bit about interviews and the like. And of course, we had speakers. Byron V. Garrett was one of our speakers. I really liked what he talked about. My favorite thing that he said during IFL was this: "You fail in life when you try to be someone else." We had our own version of Shark Tank and we got to meet Jason Lucash, a guy who was a contestant on Shark Tank. Jason has his own business called OrigAudio. I could continue into more detail, but my memory is starting to get fuzzy, plus I want to get to the rest of the festivities. The National Leadership Conference, or NLC, began on Thursday night (June 27th). I cannot even express how much I've enjoyed opening sessions of FBLA conferences. They always start with such upbeat music, upbeat enough to make someone start dancing. I think the opening session of NLC was one of my favorite parts because Judson Laipply was the keynote speaker. He was funny and inspirational at the same time. I laughed a lot. Judson actually danced at the opening session and it was awesome. I'm a bit behind on some of the cool stuff on YouTube, but you should totally check out the Evolution of Dance on YouTube! Because of Judson, I have discovered the struggle bus. There were lots of jokes made about that. Sometimes we're riding the struggle bus and sometimes we're chasing it. Anyway, NLC got off to a great start. We (Mrs. Woodward, Mrs. Good, Meagan, Kayla, Lauren, Mahek, and Gabby) ventured out to Disneyland on Friday evening after those of us who were competing finished with our events. It was pretty much the five of us (Meagan, Kayla, Lauren, Mahek, and I) the whole time on Friday. We went on a few rides in the main park, but didn't really get to the roller coasters. That was remedied on Saturday. We spent all day at Disneyland Adventure Park on Saturday. Needless to say, my feet hurt. We covered a lot of what we wanted to cover in the park on Saturday. We even got to see the World of Color show that night, which was cool. It was pretty late when we got back. I should add that we walked to and from Disney on Friday AND Saturday. Disney was fun, but draining at the same time.
Sunday was somewhat boring and depressing. We had our regional voting session on Sunday morning, which took forever and was kind of boring. We went to Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. on Santa Monica Pier. I got to keep my light up plastic glass. We didn't have much to spend there since the drive there took forever. We missed our state photograph, but we were just in time for the awards ceremony/closing session. I was sitting there in anticipation until it came time for my event. I was so anxious about the results. Unfortunately, I didn't place in my event. And I won't lie, I did cry. I was upset that I didn't place. I still am a little upset. At the same time though, I did something amazing. Not everyone makes it to nationals on their first try. I should be proud of myself, but I don't know if I am. Yes, it's true that I left California with a slight regret, but I feel like this experience serves as a reminder to me that there will always be someone who performs better than I do. If I hadn't been pushed into taking that test some months ago, I never would have had this experience. And for that, I am grateful. After my event passed, it was pretty difficult to get through the rest of the ceremony because I didn't have a specific name that I was looking for. It was kind of funny to see the reactions of the people who placed. Some guy was really grumpy for whatever reason and basically snatched his award without a second glance. I wonder what his problem was. Another guy hugged the national officer who presented the award to him, which was funny because I don't think that the guys even knew each other, haha.
The end of the closing session was dramatic and heartfelt. It was dramatic because they announced the next FBLA National President as well as the other officers; I was disappointed that Nick didn't win. I mean, I might be biased since he's from my state, but he's so brilliant and I really think he had the best speaking skills out of all of the candidates. Of course, I don't mean to say that Cole is the wrong choice, I just felt that Nick was better suited. I wish Cole all the best as the FBLA National President and I hope his experience is one that stays with him all through his life. The most heartfelt moment of the entire session occurred at the end. Each of the national officers, with the exception of Nikitas (former FBLA National President), stared directly at the crowd with voice-overs in the background. They didn't actually speak. It was meant to be as though you were listening in on their thoughts. They all looked like they were going to cry. I'm pretty sure they all teared up to some extent and/or tried their very best not to. As I was saying, the most heartfelt moment was when CJ (former FBLA National Treasurer) made the effort to stand up from his wheelchair. And on either side of him was a fellow officer holding him steady. Everyone in the convention center stood up then and there clapping and cheering. And me, I actually cried because of how moved I was. FBLA is an organization that stands for a lot of things, but I think what some people neglect to see or are incapable of seeing is that at the core of FBLA there is teamwork, support, determination, and perseverance.
Since Sunday was somewhat boring and stressful, the five of us (Meagan, Kayla, Lauren, Mahek, and I) walked to IHOP for dinner after the awards/closing session was over. We just went crazy. I think it's because we were restricted from acting up for so long that we just let loose. I've never had such an amazing IHOP experience as I did on Sunday night. And it will be a long time before I have one that's just as crazy and funny. We laughed so much and so loudly that I'm almost certain some people were annoyed with us. I'm still amazed that we didn't get kicked out. That's how crazy we were. It was fun though.
Honestly, I have gained so much from my FBLA experience, a lot more than I ever thought I would. Whenever Nikitas (former FBLA National President) spoke, he came across as calm, collected, and professional. I'm just so amazed that someone who is my age like Nikitas (or someone who is younger like Nick) can be well spoken. I know that I have the potential to be a good speaker, it just depends on how much I want it. I've been so inspired by all that has happened with FBLA this past week that I've decided to TRY starting up a PBL chapter at Shenandoah University. I think it's weird that SU doesn't have a PBL chapter. If I can follow through with my idea and round up enough support, SU will have a PBL chapter. Why do I sound so determined? I'm not ready to let this kind of experience fade away, especially when I can keep it going. I know that starting up a chapter will be difficult. I actually don't even know how to start one up but I have resources to help me do so. I know I can do this.
(EDIT: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA, I'M SO FUNNY. I lost my interest and desire in accomplishing this before I even got a few weeks into college. Sorry, it wasn't for me.)
California was great. We got to see the Hollywood sign, Beverly Hills, and the LA Film School.I'm glad to be home, but I do miss California. I miss all of the FBLA madness. I had such a good time. I don't know if I could ever live in California, but I'd like to go back. I'd like to walk those streets again and reminisce. Maybe someday I'll say goodbye to Virginia, but that day if it ever does come is far in the future. It's all just a musing for now. Thank you, California, for being so wonderful.
One last thing though, before IFL ended, we sang a pretty fitting song together. Have a listen. :)
"I hopped off the plane at LAX with a dream and my cardigan. Welcome to the land of fame excess, whoa, am I gonna fit in? I jumped in the cab, here I am for the first time. Look to my right and I see the Hollywood sign." -- Party in the USA by Miley Cyrus
(Yeah, we went there! And I'm so glad we sang along to this song, because now I have a connection to it. I've been to LAX and seen the Hollywood sign!)
Fall Out Boy's My Songs Know What You Did In The Dark was played a few times. Also, as we left the convention center after the awards/closing session ended, I was able to fully get back to myself while singing along to #thatPOWER by will.i.am as we made our way to the exit. (I only know Justin Bieber's part though, not will.i.am's.) During the awards ceremony, they mostly used an instrumental of will.i.am's Scream and Shout. It felt like a runway show. They used an instrumental of Ellie Goulding's Lights and Swedish House Mafia's Don't You Worry Child somewhere during the awards/closing session.
FBLA is cool. That's all you need to know.
Note: I left a lot of details out. I forgot to mention a lot of different things. I've probably forgotten some things already, but I can only remember so much. Anyway, I think you get the idea. I had a good time.
EDIT: My interest and "passion" for FBLA-PBL has since fizzled out. It was a good ride, FBLA, and I thank you for it. Sorry PBL, I just don't have the time or the interest.
