Second Day of Senior Year

Today was my first Day 2 of senior year. I wanted to share my Day 2, how I felt and stuff. I'm not doing this for tomorrow or any other day after this unless it's special or of importance. 

Anyway, Elizabeth picked me up again. Once at school, I met up with my auditorium crew. I finally gave Kasey her birthday present. We stood around and chatted until the bell. It felt nice. I had wanted to go see Mrs. Britton, but I didn't want to pull myself away. 

AP Calculus was first up today. I love Mrs. Berry! She's so awesome. I'm so glad I have her. I feel nervous about math though. I need to do well. I'm planning on having a study group. 

Web Tech was the class that followed. I'll be honest, it was slightly boring, but that's only because of all of the rules and such. I love Mrs. Ritter though, and I think I'm going to enjoy the class when things get moving. Maybe I'll develop a creative side. 

Lunch was nice. I saw Aarti and chatted with her and Casey. I've missed Aarti. I don't see her often so it's really great when I do. She's so easy to talk to. Study hall was fun. I was blabbing to Kaelyn and Julia...I can't call it conversing since I did most of the talking. 

I was dreading Med Systems, but it turned out to be okay. There were three nice things that happened during this class today: 

1) Matthew, the junior who sat behind me yesterday, kind of asked me for help with math. Right after he had asked, our teacher decided to give us assigned seats...in alphabetical order. I felt slightly upset because I don't think I was able to help Matthew and also because we have to sit in alphabetical order. (No one likes sitting in the front!) I thought the assigned seats would bring an end to all conversation with him...NOPE!

2) We all logged into the computers and went to the S drive to look at pictures. Why? Simple, we were told to. I stumbled upon a picture advertising the RCL (Red Carpet Lounge) and that's when Morgan and I started to recall our freshman year. We had Computer Apps right at the end of the day and I remember that she and a couple of other girls would always buy skittles. Recollection of our freshman year was nostalgic. It's amazing how much I've forgotten. I wonder what my juniors are up to and what they're doing now. (Well, they were my juniors when I was in freshman year. I guess they're second years in college now.)

3) Med Systems is kind of going to be like Honors Human Anatomy & Physiology all over again, except it won't be. I'll be re-learning old material and adding new terminology and information to what I already know, but it's not the same. Med Systems will never replace Anatomy. I don't expect it to be as fun as Anatomy was, but it might be a little bit of fun along the way. (I might actually be considered smart in this class!)

And last but not least, there was Sociology. It's an amazing class. (Claire, if you're reading this, I want you to know that you were right. I do like sociology.) I learned that I cannot tell when people are lying. I also cannot trick other people into thinking that my lies are the truth. Basically, I'm not cut out for lying. Oh, and I can't write the alphabet backwards in 30 seconds... When we were forced to introduce ourselves at the beginning of class, Mr. Walker asked us to tell the class what our favorite colour is. I honestly don't have a favorite colour, but I always say green; I think my favorite colour just changes a lot. (It might be dependent on my mood. I was tempted to say blue.) Colour psychology is interesting to me. 

I didn't take the bus home today. Alley and Taylor dropped me off at home instead. 

And that's my Day 2... it must not make sense to anyone, but I don't even know where to start explaining things. I won't do this for tomorrow, I promise! 

First Day of Senior Year

The first day of my senior year...so surreal. It felt too much like a dream. That feeling will pass soon enough though. 

Elizabeth picked me up this morning and drove me to school. I'm so lucky to have friends that are willing to take me to school. Before I stopped by the auditorium to meet up with my usual morning crew, I met Tianhui by chance. After hugging my morning crew and chatting for a bit, I rushed off to the library to meet the crazies. (Sarah, if you are reading this, I don't have an answer to your question. Also, I left before you could continue the awkwardness. Saved by the bell!)

First up was AP English, the only class I have with Casey, which is so depressing. I think English will be fun. I have a small group of people that I can talk to and we all sit near each other for the most part so it'll be a fun year...hopefully!

AP Physics was surprisingly a fun time. The new teacher is really nice and a lot of fun too. Physics will probably be the class that I do the worst in. My mind is not wired for physics. Luckily, the new teacher is supposed to be good so maybe I can learn something. 

Lunch and study hall were fine, nothing too special there. 

Med Systems, oh dear. This is the class I have every single day for the rest of my senior year. It's rather depressing to me at this point since most of the class consists of juniors. I was able to strike up conversation with one of the juniors though. I think I'll be able to become friends with him, I hope. 

And last but not least, US Government. Paul and I got stuck in a class full of potheads (those were not my words, he's the one who pointed it out). Surprisingly, I didn't get bored like I had expected to. I was actually interested in what Mr. Davis said. 

I rode the bus home instead of hitching a ride back with Elizabeth, even though I probably could have. It felt strange and funny to do so. I can't wait to see how Day 2 goes.

Did I bore you?

A Blissful Afternoon

Today, I went to Haley's house for lunch. She came to pick me up after gov school, and off we went. When we arrived, Mittens (THE CAT! SOOOOO CUTE!) led us to the house. I'm not even joking, that adorable cat led the way. (I'm a cat person; all of this talk about Mittens is kind of irrelevant though.) Shortly after arriving, Haley's mum, Abby (her sister), Haley, and I went outside to eat lunch. We had pesto pasta and buttered rolls, if you were wondering. It was really good. I like food.

After eating, the Gibbsters and I went inside and up to her room to hang out. We chatted a little bit and watched a couple of things. She finally got to see my hair. She seemed to be pretty excited, seeing as she combed my hair... After that, we put on this stuff (see picture below). It was really fun to see my face all green and have my hair up. I mean it, my hair was UP! Fun experience and very relaxing. Can't wait to do it again!

But the relaxation and enjoyment didn't stop there! We went outside and had ice cream and lychee tea. While outside, we talked about colleges and things like that. It was a peaceful time. After some time, we went back inside and upstairs to Haley's room. She showed me commonapps.com commonapp.org, which is really going to help with applications for college.

Being with Haley for the afternoon was honestly really wonderful. I felt so at ease. My worries and negativity wash away when I'm with her. She knows how to make people feel good. She's a great person to talk to. I don't hang out with Haley that often since she's always so busy, but I'm hoping that will change. I like being around Haley. I'm definitely glad that I met her and became friends with her in freshman year.

Life is good. :)

Absolutes

I went to Taylor's today to watch some anime with her and Alley. We watched seven episodes of Pandora Hearts. I really like it so far, even though it was somewhat confusing in the beginning. It's made me think a little bit. In one of the episodes, Oz tells Gilbert that he doesn't believe in absolutes. When Oz said that, it made me realize how much I wish I could believe in absolutes and how much I have/do. How many times have I said the words always and forever to people, only to not be there at all? How many times have other people given me false reassurance like I've given them? I don't know. Part of me does believe in absolutes, but she's a hopeful, an optimist, a dreamer. I want all of me to believe in absolutes but I can't, not when the other part of me knows that they don't exist.

Regret

This morning, I started reading a manga called Orange. There's only four chapters so far and I only managed to read two of them. I'll explain why after I give a short summary of what the manga is about. Basically, this girl receives a letter from herself in the future; her future self is ten years older than she is at the present time of the story. The purpose of the letter is for her to change things, to not make the same mistakes. The girl's future self doesn't want her to carry regret for the rest of her life. In the letter, it says that one of her friends is no longer there, because he dies. So I guess, the real purpose of the letter is to save her friend from an accident that could have been prevented. "Saving Kakeru is our penance."

I couldn't read chapter three. I will eventually, but not today. It hurt too much to go further. I realized that I don't want to have regrets that will pain me for the rest of my life. I have at least a couple of regrets and I don't want to live with them forever. I don't want my future self to have too many regrets. I hope she doesn't...

Coloured Years

I was thinking about school today, high school to be exact. I'm a senior now. Oh how the time has passed. I'm wondering how my last year at Sherando will be coloured. 

Freshman year was violet. I was just starting out at Sherando. I didn't know everyone. I didn't know how things would turn out. It was all cloaked in mystery. I guess that violet colour became some other colour as the year went by. Maybe it became some shade of blue or orange, or even red. I became used to being at Sherando. I wasn't overflowing with happiness, but I was happy.

Sophomore year. For some reason, I have to think about this year the most. I don't know what colour to give it. There was definitely some orange there. It was slightly black and yellow in the fall. Some blue and bits of red. I don't really know. I was content during sophomore year, mostly during the second half of the year.

Junior year was interesting. There were a lot of colours. There was a lot of black and yellow in the first half of the year. In this year just as during sophomore year, yellow does not represent happiness. Rather, black and yellow paired together represent worry and despair in the least. It was also representative of that overwhelming feeling of death that I had. There was lots of blue, because I felt sad and lonely. That blue became green, and with the green came orange and red, maybe even a slight hint of pink. The few months that made up my junior year were worth it.

How will my last year at Sherando be coloured? Who's going to colour it? For right now, my senior year is all violet. It won't stay violet for long.

Side Notes:

- Yes, I know that black is technically the absence of colour. What of it? 

- Also, I like the spelling of colour. It looks prettier with a 'u' instead of without it.

- Each colour mentioned represents how I felt or how I remember feeling. Since freshman and sophomore year aren't as recent as junior year, I don't really remember how to colour them.

- I like colours and their meanings. Everyone sees them in a different way.

Feelings Figured Out

I'm an emotional person. Some say that I think too much and look into things too deeply. Such is the case with my on/off feelings about the person I like. Through the help of a few close friends, I sorted out my feelings. I'm not in love, but there is someone I care about a great deal. There is someone who is very special to me. I'm only seventeen, too young to truly love and understand what love really is. I'll understand someday. And whatever happens, happens.

Happier Days

Take me back to May, when there were happier days...

June flew by in overall satisfaction.

Then there came July, when illness struck and fatigue stayed by my side. 

As mid-August approaches, a lingering sadness surfaces and takes up residence. 

Take me back to May, when the sadness rarely had a chance to invade...

If You Give a Rabbit a Car...

Does everyone remember If You Give a Mouse a Cookie? If you don't know what I'm talking about, go read it; it's a children's book so it won't take long to finish. Back in elementary school, we had to write our own versions of it. I always laugh at mine because it's so ridiculous. I guess I was a funny kid sometimes. 

If You Give A Rabbit A Car

     If you give a rabbit a car he will ask for the keys to the car. If you give him the keys he will start to drive it. if he starts driving he will crash the car. When he crashed the car he will ask to be taken to the hospital. When he is at the hospital the police come and ask him if he has any license. He will tell them he has no license then he will tell the police that you didn't take him to learn how to drive or to get his license. When the police find out you didn't take him to learn how to drive or get any license they will sell your house and take you to jail. When they take you to jail they say you will be there for 2 years then they ask the rabbit if he wants to learn how to drive. He says yes he wants to learn how to drive a car so the police take him to learn how to drive their car. When they teach him how to drive a car and he gets his license you get out of jail. When you get out of jail you give the rabbit a car to drive.

Props to you if you were able to get through that. I will remind you that I wrote that in elementary school, which is why there are no commas. It's also why it doesn't make much sense, but that's why it's so funny. I hope you didn't suffer too much!

I always wanted to rewrite this...so it had proper punctuation and correct grammar. I never got around to it and probably won't. It's better to leave it as is. The more I look at this, the more I realize that I was kind of an odd child. The idea of the rabbit crashing the car was and still kind of is funny to me. Part of me doesn't like that I find/found it to be funny, but I can't help that I find/found it to be funny. I like how the house gets sold, hahaha.

I was such a weird kid. My sense of humor was strange, and still is.

Did I Really Write This?

I found a paper that I wrote in 8th grade. Reading it now, I've realized that my opinion and the way I feel about who my friends are might have actually changed a bit. I can't believe I'm doing this, but I'll let you read what I wrote back in 8th grade. Keep in mind that it's been a few years since then. Before I start, I'd like to mention that I never titled this paper for some reason. Also, I probably have a ton of mistakes in regards to grammar and such.

     What exactly is a friend? A friend has many traits, both good and bad. Often times the good traits cross out the bad. Good friends are loyal, loving, trustworthy, and they know just how to lift your spirits when you're feeling down.

     Friends who care are always there for you. They may not always understand but they do their best to support you. There's been days when I've been depressed, confused, or angry but my friends were there to sort out my tangled emotions. 

     Can you keep a secret? Secrets happen to be a big part of trust. By telling someone a secret you give them the power to go off and spread a rumor. True friends, however, will keep your trust. My trust has been betrayed a few times before so I don't trust people so easily. 

     Has there ever been a day when you wanted to break down in tears? It's times like those that you really need a friend. Somehow, friends always know how to bring that sunshine out from behind the clouds. No matter how much you cry or what the reason is for you crying, your friends know how to make you smile and laugh. 

     Loyalty, trust, and the ability to make a frown turn upside down are some of the qualities I look for in a friend. Without my friends I might not have made it this far. I'm glad I have the friends that I have. The best thing about my friends is that they love me for me. 

Eeek, there must have been something wrong with me in 8th grade, because I'm pretty sure I'm missing a lot of needed commas. The more I look at this, the more I wonder what was going on with me back then. It's been a few years since I wrote this and I definitely have a lot to comment on, but I won't touch upon every little thing. 

First of all, I don't like how I seem so centered around my friends. I mean, I love my friends, but I place a high importance on my family as well. I guess it just sounds so friend centered because that's what this paper was/is all about. 

Look at how funny I am. "Friends who care..." Let me just say one thing: I can't be friends with someone who doesn't care about me. In any friendship, there has to at least be a sliver of caring present. 

Secrets? Yeah, I have secrets. Trust? Now that I think about it, I don't think I've ever really had my trust betrayed. Trust is still an issue for me though. I consider myself to be a pretty open person, but I am foolish. I am foolish because I trust that people won't hurt me. That's complete folly. People always hurt you, even if they don't mean to. I don't like being thrown away, and I sincerely hope that no one has ever felt that I've thrown them away. 

I'm not good with people who are crying. That's funny because I cry a lot. Some things don't change. My friends are still very good at cheering me up. But I've realized that it's nice to have friends who can make you cry too. I have a friend who is a professional when it comes to making me cry. That friend doesn't even have to try very hard. I like that. 

"I'm glad I have the friends that I have." <---- This hasn't changed, it's still true. 

I probably should stop with all this talk of friendship, but I can't help it. I have so much to say, even though most of it is all the same. Anyway, this paper from 8th grade is kind of embarrassing. I can't help but wonder if I'm still the same as I was then. I don't think I am, but who really knows?

A Moment of Mixed Emotions

There are some moments that cannot be described in words. I am about to try to describe such a moment, but I know I will fail. I will fail because the feelings expressed in the moment won't translate to you. It doesn't hurt to try though. 

Picture this: A group of friends sitting together, talking and laughing about the happenings of the evening and making fun of each other. This moment is broken by very special news. One of the friends announces that she is pregnant. Her husband is sitting on the arm of the long couch right next to her. Her friends ask her questions and make comments. She answers the questions and talks about the way she feels and such. And as this all occurs, her husband is playing with locks of her hair. It's a heartwarming scene. 

In all of the excitement, there is a lingering sadness. One friend is not present at this announcement. It's not because she doesn't want to be there, but because she's been gone for close to 2 years now. She would have been so happy to hear the news. She would have cried tears of joy for her dear friend, making her friend cry as well. Shazia would have been so happy last night, because last night was the engagement party of a close friend and another friend close to her heart made a special announcement.

In every big moment, you can find two different emotions. You just need to know how to feel for both of them. True happiness and true sadness are always easy to find, because they stem from the heart...always. 


Side Note: This post was more for me so that I don't forget the moment. 

Writing Again

Well, here I am for the second time today. I feel like writing again, but I don't have anything to say. Actually, I do, but that's a special post. I'll get to that post after I finish this boring one.

I feel anxious right now. I don't know why, maybe it's because I haven't taken my meds yet. I've started to take them late in the morning and in the evening. It's not good, I know. I don't even take that many anymore, but it's still hard. Oh crap...I totally forgot to take one of my meds this morning. I completely forgot that it was Sunday. I guess it's okay to miss one dose. I mean, I take this missed med only three times a week. I didn't mean to miss the dose. It was an accident and accidents happen. Everything will be okay...right? 

I was planning on drafting my letter to my donor family, but I haven't gotten around to it. I really should have sent them a letter by now. I didn't want to send a letter after only a few months because I was trying to be considerate. The family is always going to hurt, but I didn't want to make them hurt more. It's already been 9 months. I really need to send them a letter before school starts. I hope I hear back from them. I want to know about my donor. I need to know about my donor. 

I've started watching anime again. For some reason, I always take a break from it, but it's entirely unintentional every single time. Getting back into anime has been making me feel sad or maybe that's just life. I don't know. I just feel so sad and so pained as of recently. I wonder if it's because things are changing, maybe that's what it is. It's time for me to stand still and readjust. And then I can sink into my world of impossible fantasies again. 

Feeling Lonely

I've realized that I don't like being alone. Every now and then, I like being by myself. After a while though, it just gets lonely. That's when I start to get cranky and snappy. 

I'm the youngest in my family. While my siblings have watched me grow, I've also watched them grow. I've seen them graduate from high school, college, and pretty much all other schooling they've had. I watched them get jobs. I watched a couple of them get married (not all of them are married yet!) and buy houses. One of my brothers even has a daughter. In the shadows of my loneliness, I watched them grow up and become adults. 

I'm still in high school and still at home. My siblings don't come home as often as they used to so it gets lonely. I didn't really have them as I was growing up. I still kind of don't have them as I continue to grow. They have their own lives now. When I was a kid, I had my cousins and friends from school. That was nice, but I was still alone. I still feel alone sometimes.

I'm not exactly the lone wolf type of person, but I very well could have been. My guidance counselor in middle school was lovely. I liked him a lot. He used to tell me that I need to break out of my shell, that I need to put myself out there. I guess I was one of the quieter kids in middle school. I went through a tough time in 7th grade. I think that might have made me pull back even further within myself. 

If I went back in time, I think I'd probably slap middle school me. Middle school me was depressing and had issues. I'll give myself a break for the beginning of 7th grade. That was a difficult time.

I bet some people are thinking that if I don't want to be lonely, I should just hit up some friends and do something. I do that sometimes and other times I wait to be asked to do something. It's probably just my own fault that I feel lonely. I just need something to do with my life.