Farewell

Mr. McKenzie 

A man I never knew,

A teacher I never had,

A man loved by many,

Whose years were so few.

Today, during last block, those who were at Sherando learned of Mr. McKenzie's death. Mr. McKenzie was a social studies teacher at Sherando. And now, he is gone. I have no emotional attachment to him whatsoever, but his death is still saddening. It's strange to think that my classmates and I will never see Mr. McKenzie again, right at the end of sociology, and the school day, on Day 2s. It's weird because his classroom is right across from Mr. Walker's and we used to see him every other day. He was there last week and that's part of why it's so shocking. I didn't know him, but I knew of his existence. He was here.

Mr. McKenzie even came into our class one day to help Mr. Walker with a psychology/sociology related experiment. We were supposed to state in detail what Mr. McKenzie had been wearing and what he did while in the room. I don't even remember much anymore. I could have sworn that the tie he was wearing at the time was patterned, but it wasn't. His tie was a plain green. He spoke to one of my classmates, opened the blinds, erased something from the whiteboard, and supposedly saluted before he left the classroom. I'm sure I'm missing something, but I can't remember anything more. 

By 4 o'clock, there were very few people left at school. I feel like that rare occurrence had, in some part, to do with Mr. McKenzie's death. And so the school was deserted, like a ghost town. Even the sky looked gloomy, like it wanted to cry. It's weird to say or think that he is gone. 

I don't know the cause of his death. I've heard rumors all around. Even if those rumors are true, I won't take back these words. I will not be one to judge Mr. McKenzie in who he was and how he lived. That's not my place.

Farewell, Mr. McKenzie. Sherando will miss you. 

May your beautiful soul rest in peace. 

  

It's Been A While

I haven't been blogging as much as I used to. Life has been pretty busy for me. It's starting to calm down a bit though. Let me catch you up. 

First, I think we'll start with school. School is getting really bothersome. I have senioritis. I like my high school, but I'm done with it. I'm ready to move on. I'm sure I'll miss it, but I'll come back someday. As for my performance in school right now, I'm doing well in everything except for physics and calculus. Although, I am making waves in calculus by getting help. It took me a long time to try to get help, but it's not too late for me. I'm still struggling with it, but I know I can get back up to where I should be. As for physics, it's completely beyond me. 

Now for my extracurricular activities. I haven't been going to MAT, but I hope to return this week. It's been so long and I miss the kids a lot. I hope they still remember me. FBLA is going well, don't have much to report there. ACADEMIC TEAM! Oh, how I love Academic Team. We've done really well for the season and next up is districts. This past week, we had three former members come to see matches: Elizabeth, Deepak, and Abhinav. It was really nice. As for NHS, I am making waves by trying to get a couple of big projects kick-started in spite of not being an official officer. In all honesty, I probably should have been an FBLA and NHS officer. I do have one regret in regards to extracurricular activities, I wish I had gone for Academic Team in my sophomore year like Mrs. Adams-Legge told me to. I think that's probably one of my biggest regrets of my high school years. 

Life in general is good, I suppose. My health has been fine, except that I've gained weight. I definitely plan on doing something about that. It's nice outside today so I'm going to go on a walk eventually and listen to music with my big headphones. I also have homework to do as well, unfortunately. 

I went for a walk yesterday and took some pictures. The pictures I took were of the street signs. I felt kind of sad. I'm eventually going to be moving from this little town of Stephens City. I've never lived anywhere else in my life. And even though there is nothing special to do here, I'm still attached to this place. I lived my whole life here. I don't want to forget this place. My house...I can't imagine it ever being sold, but it's going to happen eventually. I don't know if I can handle that. Towards the end of my slow walk, I started listening to Regina Spektor's 'The Call' repeatedly. 

                                                              "The Call"

It started out as a feeling
Which then grew into a hope
Which then turned into a quiet thought
Which then turned into a quiet word
And then that word grew louder and louder
'Til it was a battle cry
I'll come back when you call me
No need to say goodbye

Just because everything's changing
Doesn't mean it's never been this way before
All you can do is try to know who your friends are
As you head off to the war
Pick a star on the dark horizon and follow the light
You'll come back when it's over
No need to say goodbye
You'll come back when it's over
No need to say goodbye

Now we're back to the beginning
It's just a feeling and no one knows yet
But just because they can't feel it too
Doesn't mean that you have to forget
Let your memories grow stronger and stronger
'Til they're before your eyes
You'll come back when they call you
No need to say goodbye
You'll come back when they call you
No need to say goodbye

I probably have more that I'm forgetting to say, but this will do for now. I'm already starting to feel sad again. 

Dragonfly Retreat

I just had one of the most amazing weekends of my entire life, one of the best actually. I went to the Dragonfly Heart Camp Retreat at NorthBay in Maryland. I didn't realize that this weekend would make me feel so much better and hopeful. I met other heart transplant recipients, a lung transplant recipient, and pulmonary hypertension patients, in addition to some medical personnel. I thoroughly enjoyed the weekend. I can't even express how amazing it was for me and for my new friends. 

I knew that there were other transplant recipients running around somewhere, but I never could find them...until now. I met people who are more than 5 years out of transplant, even 15 years and more. It was incredible. It gives me hope for the future. I'm not a statistic. No one gets to tell me that because I'm a transplant recipient I'll only live for a certain amount of time, because of the people I met. 

I'm not going to be able to say everything that I want to say, but I'm going to at least try to say some more. I just have so much to say about this weekend. We all learned something and had the chance to discuss a lot of things. It was nice to be around people who understand me because they've been there. They know how it feels and so I don't have to feel alone in the world anymore. I have a strong support team now with people who truly do understand what it's like. This experience has made me stronger. I now take my medicine without my applesauce. I refuse to go back to it because if my friends can take theirs without something like that, then I can too. 

While at camp, I found myself starting to think 'Wow, your life was so much worse than mine,' but then I realized that we've all had it tough and that includes me too. I can't say that their experience is worse than mine or that they feel more pain than I do. We've all had it rough, but it's made us so much stronger and all the more motivated. We are inspirations to each other, because each one of us has fought their own fight and still continues to move on and push for another day to live. We all have a purpose in life. 

Feelings aside, this was an extremely fun filled weekend. There was ziplinig, the swing, rock climbing, indoor bonfires, smores, playing ping pong, table hockey, and pool, and just having fun with each other. The girls and I stayed up the second night to talk. It was a lot of fun. 

My thoughts are all over the place. I really miss camp. I miss my friends. I miss being able to take medicine with other people. I miss doing all of those fun activities. I miss having breakfast, lunch, and dinner together. I miss the story telling and the crafts. I miss everything. And I am a little sad, but I know that I'll see everyone again. Even if I don't, they're always with me because of the special bond we've created. No one can break that. Together, we are stronger. I'm not alone. 

It was a life changing experience.

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"Five heart transplant recipients, ten souls" - Derek 

"Shit's about to hit the fan" - Bre (She said something like this, haha)

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Link to a compilation of pictures and a video from Dragonfly: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ljytvb264JU

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I've dubbed Johns Hopkins as JHOP since Children's Hospital of Philadelphia is shortened to CHOP. :)

The Tournament

Yeah, so the tournament at Woodgrove. Mixed feelings about that. Today, seven of the Sherando Academic Team members (Haley, Catherine, Meron, Matthew, Angela, Quinton, and I), in addition to two of our three coaches (Daniel and Mr. Davis), set out to have some fun and practice. It certainly was good practice...my head hurts now.

The seven of us were split into two teams: Varsity and JV. Guess which I was made captain of...yeah, the JV team, which consisted of me, Angela, and Quinton. The three of us played four rounds as opposed to the five rounds that the varsity team (Haley, Catherine, Meron, and Matthew) played. We got murdered in the first match against Loudon's varsity team. We improved in the next match against James Wood, but still lost. (Keep in mind, James Wood was a varsity team as well.) The third match we played was against Loudon's JV team and we beat them. I was proud of us. It was the three of us versus four people and we actually won. It was still a close game though. Then we played against Battlefield in our last match and lost. It was 140-105 to Battlefield. We made it in Quinton's margin of 40 points in losing. Now, Sherando's varsity team won third with James Wood at second and Loudon at first.

I'm happy about today, but I'm also utterly depressed. I was disappointed that I couldn't be on the varsity team for Sherando. I have an extreme inferiority complex so I felt like I wasn't good enough. Losing against three varsity teams as a JV team doesn't help either. We were close against JW and Battlefield, but it's still disappointing.

On the way back, I purposefully put in my headphones and stared out of one of the open windows diagonal from me. I was listening to some Japanese music, some good stuff. That's when my confidence level fell. I know, I'm too dramatic. Daniel, Haley, and Angela tried to get my attention. I was testing myself to see if I would break. Surprisingly, I didn't. When we were very close or pretty much at Sherando, I told Daniel that I noticed. Then there came a question of wondering if I was okay. Yeah, I'm okay, guys...I'm okay. I just wish I was one of those quick learning people that doesn't have to work to an extreme to be good at something.

I had a lot of fun though. I'm at least proud that we were strong enough to hold off Loudon's four member JV team with only three of us.

Sometimes, I wonder if I should even try at all. Will I even get to play in the regular season? I'm guessing that if I do, then it will be sparingly. Time to get used to cheering on the sidelines where I belong. Okay, I'm being annoying...sorry. I did have fun. That should be what's most important, right? After all, the first real match is against JW and that's when we have to bring our 'A' game.

Blue eyes,
Blue skies,
I concede to you. 


EDIT: Why am I so annoying? Ugh, younger me sounds so silly. Get it together, you're not half as bad of a person as you feel you are.

A Pure and Honest Reflection of the Past Year

It's finally the day I've been waiting for...my first heartiversary. A year ago from today, I underwent heart transplantation, which resulted in my second chance to live and love the life I lead. It hasn't been an easy year for me. I still haven't gotten closure, but I'm working towards it as the days continue to pass. 

Since I've decided to be honest, I'm not going to hide the way I've felt. I'm not about to sugarcoat anything, not today. 

I'm in a calm, peaceful mood right now. As I type, I'm thinking about everything that I can possibly remember from the past year. Positive, cheerful me has a lot to say, but so does negative me. 

Let me start with what my positive self has to say. Before transplantation, I was still able to smile and laugh despite my situation. It helps to have such a loving family and wonderful people taking care of you. After transplantation, I was in pain, but it's what I guess you could call happy pain, because I made it. I had a whole cocktail of medications to take following transplantation and that was difficult to deal with. I've tried to look at it with optimistic eyes. I'm especially happy now because I don't take as many as I used to and the number of medications still hasn't reached its absolute minimum of three yet; I'm still lingering around at five. 

I have a lot to smile about. I have a lot to laugh about. But most importantly, I have a lot to be thankful for. Because of transplantation, because of this second chance, I was able to finish my junior year and continue on into my senior year. Over that time period, I've met some really amazing people and strengthened my relationships with my friends. I've had a good amount of firsts, such as going to Roma's, playing Just Dance, getting my first pair of Levi's, riding the metro, and going to the Cheesecake Factory. Guaranteed that these firsts might not seem that exciting to the average person, but they're special to me.

Sometimes, I can't believe that what I've gone through was real...but then I see the scars and am reminded that it really happened. The scars, the ICD device (which I actually got to keep!), the medications, the pictures, the memories. They remind me. When I was in the hospital, I remember telling one of my nurses something like "you never know how strong you are, until being strong is the only choice you have left." (I, of course, am not that creative. I saw a quote like that a long time ago somewhere on the Interwebs.) In spite of the complaints I've made, at times I feel like I can rightfully say that for all I have been through, I have been strong.

Now for a darker, more depressing take on the past year along with lots of complaining. I'd advise you to skip over this if you don't want to be saddened or annoyed. It sucked. It honestly really sucked. It wasn't fair at all that I had to go through what I went through. Those few months before and after transplantation contained the worst pain I've ever felt in my entire life. I felt dead, like I really was going to die. I'm thankful that I didn't, but I'm still only human. I have days where I feel like the successful attempt to save my life wasn't worth it. I know it might be wrong of me to admit and say that, but I am human. I didn't go through this past year with a smile plastered on my face the entire time. Every once in a long while, I have moments when I think of how ungrateful I am and how my donor should be the one living instead. Those are not good moments for me; this is why I feel weak. I usually just cry and don't talk to anyone about it. That's the other thing. 

I don't talk to many people about transplantation, because a lot of the time, I feel like no one cares. Even when I do talk about it to my select few (excluding my family, of course), I feel like they don't even care. I understand that people have their own hardships to face and it's selfish of me to ask them to comfort me when they're struggling too. I wish people had asked about it when I returned to school, but almost no one did. That made me feel like no one cared at all. I've been told that people don't ask because they don't know how to or because they don't want to make me feel uncomfortable. Maybe that's what it is, but I have nothing to hide. I'm willing to share my story, the good and the bad parts of it. 

Going back to a more positive view now, I've been called an inspiration. I often feel undeserving of such an honor because I am such a complainer. I guess I can understand why people think of me as such, but I don't feel deserving of it. Still, I do appreciate being called an inspiration. It's nice to know that my experience inspired someone else. I've always wanted to be an inspiration to someone and now I am, even to people I don't know. 

One of my friends made me understand that I can't let this experience become me and dictate my life. And for him, but mostly myself, I promise that I won't let it. I promise I'll move on and accept everything that's happened. I'll use this experience to help others and myself.

I'm happy to be alive. Even though I have moments of depression and negativity, I'm happy overall. I'm still here. And because I'm still here, I intend to make a difference. I don't know how long I'm going to live for, but I know that I want to spend the rest of my life working towards being happy and helping others. I think I owe that much to my donor, my donor's family, the medical personnel who took/take care of me, my family, and my friends. It's a work in progress. 

 And here is where I say thank you. Thank you to my ever-loving family for loving and supporting me through everything. Thank you to my donor family for making the decision that they did. Thank you to my cardiology team (Dr. Scheel, Peggy, Dawn, Dr. Coulson, and everyone else) for working so hard. Thank you to my nurses for making me smile and laugh, instilling hope, and sticking me with needles. Thank you to my DCM family for supporting me and believing in me. Thank you to my lovely Casey Harvey for all of your caring, racism, and overly dramatic lame humor. Thank you to Deepak for being a voice of reason, understanding, and kindness when it was needed. Thank you to all of my friends for making me smile, laugh and cry. I love you all. ♥

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Another fall day. An infinite blue sky to look up at, a thousand beautiful trees to enjoy, a hundred blows of the wind to refresh, a second chance and one lovely heart to love it all ♥ Happy Heartiversary ♥ - Shradha 

"Happy Hearth Day" - Casey 

"It's my heartiversary ♥" - Me
"We know" - Deepak

"A journey of a thousand miles begins with one step." 

"It is infinitely better to transplant a heart than to bury it to be devoured by worms." - Christiaan Barnard

"I felt the earth beneath my feet, sat by the river and it made me complete"

My heartiversary is coming up, and there is something special I'd like to do. I don't really have any desire to go out to eat or anything like that. I don't particularly want any of that, but I won't say no to any of it.

I want to go to Sherando Park and walk around the lake while holding hands with a loved one, a friend. I want to sit down with that person, watch the water, and talk about the year that has passed. 

There are very few friends of mine who appreciate silence and are willing to listen to me talk about this. I have a few friends in mind, but I doubt I'm going to do this.

Sure, I want to celebrate on my heartiversary, but I also want to reflect as well. I want to spend part of the day looking back on the year that has passed.

Side Note: The title of the blog post is from Somewhere Only We Know by Keane. 

EDIT: I never did end up doing this. 

"Is this the place we used to love?"

I have guidance counselor issues... 

I went to Aylor today for the MAT program. Quite honestly, I'm not even sure what MAT is supposed to stand for, probably something easy and simple, but I just don't know. Yeah, so I went back to Aylor, my middle school. My former guidance counselor, Mr. Demorest, is basically in charge of it. It felt strange to be back at Aylor, to see him. 

When I attended Aylor as a student, I thought the world of Mr. Demorest. I admired him and respected him. I liked talking to him back in the day. I felt secure and protected because he was (and still is) such a kind, caring person. He was the one at Aylor that I "fell in love" with. But now, I don't know how to feel since it's been so long. Back in middle school he used to tell me that I need to break out of my shell, that I need to put myself out there. I think I've done that, but seeing him again after such a long time made me want to box myself up. 

I held Mr. Demorest in such high esteem in middle school. I still respect him, but seeing him today really kind of pulled me out of my dream-like trance of reality that I've been able to recreate at Sherando. In middle school, I had always been under the impression that he would always be someone that I could talk to. I wanted to keep his attention forever. I wanted to know that he cared. And although I know he still does, it's not the same anymore. Time has passed. He has other students to care for now. I understand that.  I'm probably going to continue with the MAT program and as a result I'll see Mr. Demorest more often. I don't know how that's going to impact me...

The past... I didn't want to be reminded. Aylor has changed. Mr. Demorest has changed, or so it seems that he has. I've changed. I will not let myself get stuck at Aylor. I moved on. It's not the same place anymore. Once upon a time, it was the place I used to love, but no longer. It's not like Aylor was awful, I just don't want to leave any part of myself there. 

...I've made it sound like the MAT program was horrible, but it wasn't and it's not. I got to interact with some really amazing kids. I enjoyed being with them and I'd like to spend more time with them. I just need to take care to not think about the place I used to know. 

Side Note: Title of post is from a song called Somewhere Only We Know by Keane. 

EDIT: Wow...I'm really angsty. Angst, angst, angst. Eww. I need to not be like this anymore.