I meant to write about this past semester a lot sooner, but I've pushed it off because I am a procrastinator. I was sick during the two most important weeks of the semester, pre-finals week and finals week. Oddly enough, it didn't take long for me to get better as soon as I got home. Maybe I'm allergic to Richmond or maybe I am subconsciously a lot more stressed out than I think I am. Whatever the case is, I just have to tough it out for the next few years like everyone else.
This first semester of pharmacy school has been quite a rollercoaster ride if I'm being honest. In the beginning, I had no idea what I was doing or what was happening. The same is still true, but I'm not entirely alone in my cluelessness. I find that beginnings are almost always lonely and endings are almost always sad. I've always had a hard time with change and being surrounded by new faces at a new school in a new city was terrifying. I wondered if I would ever fit in with the people around me, if I would ever feel comfortable in this unknown place. It's funny how you can't pinpoint the exact moment you become friends with someone or the moment when you realize that you're comfortable enough to be yourself, but it always happens sooner or later in a new environment. It's only a matter of time before you see the new people around you as something precious, something worth holding onto, something worth loving. I never expect that to happen to me, but it always does. It's nice to be in a place where people on the whole genuinely care.
Emotions aside, I really let the ball drop academically this first semester. Despite some disappointments grade-wise, I'm still rather grateful that my GPA didn't sink below a certain point so I'm not completely down in the game, but I'm almost certain that I'll be out of the running for Rho Chi when the time comes. Let's just say that I learned my lesson and hopefully learned it well enough to not repeat the same mistakes next semester. I'm ready to be a better student. I owe that to myself and my classmates.
Saturday, December 30, 2017
Sunday, November 19, 2017
Happy
It's funny how quickly we adjust to new environments, how quickly we love the people around us. It feels strange to look back to August because I'm not that lonely, sad, lost individual anymore. That doesn't mean I never feel that way, but I don't feel it as strongly as I once did. If someone would have told me back in August that I'd have so few days of feeling unloved or feeling like I don't belong, I don't know if I would have believed them. But it always works out that way, doesn't it? It's a blessing to feel as loved and as at home as I have felt over the past two months. Everyone says it goes so fast and that you become a family, how is it that they're always right? The first semester is almost over. I'm going to be so bored without them, but I'll survive somehow. I always do.
With the end of this semester not only comes an unforgiving cold with the possibility of snow, but also final exams, which I'm not too thrilled about. The first semester of P1 year hasn't necessarily been terribly difficult, but it has been an adjustment. It's an adjustment because we've had 10 classes, two of which have ended. Eight more finals to go! I haven't started studying yet, still working up to it, but I figure it's okay if I start organizing myself tomorrow. Mondays are for begrudgingly being productive.
I really appreciate and enjoy going to school and living in Richmond. I like it a lot because I live within walking distance of school so I'm at least getting some exercise. Living in a city feels so different from a small town and yet it feels the same. It's different because it's still unfamiliar territory but it's also become home away from home. I don't think that's really the doing of the city though. I think home, as cheesy as it sounds, is wherever love can be found. So really, home is everywhere.
I've reached an interesting point in life where I don't really know where I'm going, where I'm going to be years from now, who I am, or who I'm going to be years from now, but I know that I'm in the right place with the right people at the right time. I am happy, to be here, to love, and be loved in return. That's all for now.
----
Side note: here's the link to my realization of belonging in pharmacy school --http://dreamingforpeace.blogspot.com/2017/09/its-funny-how-our-perceptions-can-be-so.html
With the end of this semester not only comes an unforgiving cold with the possibility of snow, but also final exams, which I'm not too thrilled about. The first semester of P1 year hasn't necessarily been terribly difficult, but it has been an adjustment. It's an adjustment because we've had 10 classes, two of which have ended. Eight more finals to go! I haven't started studying yet, still working up to it, but I figure it's okay if I start organizing myself tomorrow. Mondays are for begrudgingly being productive.
I really appreciate and enjoy going to school and living in Richmond. I like it a lot because I live within walking distance of school so I'm at least getting some exercise. Living in a city feels so different from a small town and yet it feels the same. It's different because it's still unfamiliar territory but it's also become home away from home. I don't think that's really the doing of the city though. I think home, as cheesy as it sounds, is wherever love can be found. So really, home is everywhere.
I've reached an interesting point in life where I don't really know where I'm going, where I'm going to be years from now, who I am, or who I'm going to be years from now, but I know that I'm in the right place with the right people at the right time. I am happy, to be here, to love, and be loved in return. That's all for now.
----
Side note: here's the link to my realization of belonging in pharmacy school --http://dreamingforpeace.blogspot.com/2017/09/its-funny-how-our-perceptions-can-be-so.html
Friday, October 20, 2017
My Heart Transplant
I've blogged about this several times already, but as it is that time of the year again, I feel compelled to continue my tradition of blogging about one of the most pivotal moments in my life: my heart transplant. Because I've blogged about this so many times, I'm always unsure of what more I can say or add to the past memories I've shared about it. I don't talk about it often enough in person. And maybe, it's time to change that.
So for everyone who's joining me for the first time for this heartiversary post, I'll share a very brief overview. When I was 15, I was diagnosed with dilated cardiomyopathy, essentially a condition in which the heart is inefficient at pumping blood. And, well, it's kind of important for the heart to do its job properly or else bad things happen. Treatment didn't work for me and I got progressively worse, eventually making it on the transplant list at status 1A. It's a little strange though because I knew when I was diagnosed earlier in 2011 with dilated cardiomyopathy that I would need a transplant. I don't know how I knew, but I knew. And I struggled with the implications of what that would mean. Could I live knowing that my heart wasn't mine? And then it happened. On October 20th, 2011, at the age of 16, I was given the gift of life: a new heart. And I lived, but it took me time to emotionally accept this heart that beats inside of my chest as my own. This blog post is to commemorate and celebrate my sixth heartiversary.
Was it painful? Yes. Physically, emotionally, and mentally. It's the most physical pain I've ever experienced in my life and one of the most emotionally exhaustive events in my life. With every year that passes, I remember less and less of what happened. And honestly, I'm not sure that my memories are true anymore. Trauma is something strange because your brain blocks out a lot of it, but it doesn't block out everything. My experience was traumatic and it took someone else telling me that for me to realize it. It's a different kind of trauma, but still trauma. I suppose that's why I don't remember how it felt anymore. I remember a few big moments, like when I was told that they had found a heart. I remember some of the smaller ones too, but only vaguely, like watching the Game Show Network (GSN) all day.
My past posts about my transplant have not always been positively framed and that's because I want people to understand and know the truth. I've been incredibly fortunate to have received a transplant, but it's not a cure by any means. I'm incredibly grateful because I have a much better quality of life now. At the same time though, I'm supposed to be more cautious, especially since I have a suppressed immune system to stave off rejection of my heart. This is why I often say that I can't afford to be sick.
Transplant is still a really emotional topic for me and I think it always will be. Sometimes, I have a hard time believing that I'm still here. Some days are so wonderful that it feels like I'm dreaming. I was 16 when I received my transplant and I'm 22 now. Despite all of the time that has passed, I'm not sure I did fully come to terms with my transplant. It might also just be me overthinking things and making mountains out of ant hills. Who can say for sure? Lately I've been wondering if I deserved my transplant. It's a terrible thing to wonder, but I think I only wonder that because I'm letting life influence me in not so great ways. Someone thought I deserved a second chance at life, maybe it's time for me to see it their way. I don't want anyone to think that I'm not grateful. When I feel really down, I sometimes think of her and I cry and then I move on. I've been through too much to give up on myself.
Let me not leave this post without some positivity. I've done a lot of things over the past 6 years because of my transplant. I graduated high school and college. I'm in pharmacy school with some of the most wonderful and lovely people this world has seen. I got my driver's license at 21. I got my first real job in community pharmacy and have been employed there for a little over 2 years now. I live away from home in a city. And I'm cautiously happy these days.
Not many people ask me about my transplant, but I don't mind if they do. In fact, I wish people did ask me questions. But that is mostly on me. While my transplant is not a secret by any means, I'm not to the point where I use it as a conversation starter. Perhaps it should be a conversation starter. I have often thought about using it to open conversation, but I also don't want to make people feel uncomfortable or feel like they need to pity me. I don't need nor want pity, just love and acceptance like everyone else. When I was younger, I always wanted people to have a surprised reaction when I told them about my transplant, but the truth is that a lot of people don't have that reaction or at least they don't express it if they do. I think I used to want a surprised reaction because it would usually mean that people would ask questions and take an interest in me. I guess you could say that I appreciated the attention and always sort of have. But I have also always been the type of person that needs extra love and care for whatever reason. My transplant is one of the few things that I will always share freely about myself. I welcome curiosity and questions. And as I move forward in life, I'm realizing that my education has the potential to put me into an incredible position of advocacy and maybe even an opportunity to help others like myself. And I want to be here long enough to be able to achieve that dream. So the goal is to be the longest living heart transplant recipient obviously.
Please consider becoming an organ donor at donatelife.net if you are not already one. It is one of the most selfless acts of love you can perform. Someone else's selfless act of love saved my life. Your selfless act of love could save someone too.
---
Note: The title of this blog post is modeled after the episode titles of the medical TV show, Scrubs.
So for everyone who's joining me for the first time for this heartiversary post, I'll share a very brief overview. When I was 15, I was diagnosed with dilated cardiomyopathy, essentially a condition in which the heart is inefficient at pumping blood. And, well, it's kind of important for the heart to do its job properly or else bad things happen. Treatment didn't work for me and I got progressively worse, eventually making it on the transplant list at status 1A. It's a little strange though because I knew when I was diagnosed earlier in 2011 with dilated cardiomyopathy that I would need a transplant. I don't know how I knew, but I knew. And I struggled with the implications of what that would mean. Could I live knowing that my heart wasn't mine? And then it happened. On October 20th, 2011, at the age of 16, I was given the gift of life: a new heart. And I lived, but it took me time to emotionally accept this heart that beats inside of my chest as my own. This blog post is to commemorate and celebrate my sixth heartiversary.
Was it painful? Yes. Physically, emotionally, and mentally. It's the most physical pain I've ever experienced in my life and one of the most emotionally exhaustive events in my life. With every year that passes, I remember less and less of what happened. And honestly, I'm not sure that my memories are true anymore. Trauma is something strange because your brain blocks out a lot of it, but it doesn't block out everything. My experience was traumatic and it took someone else telling me that for me to realize it. It's a different kind of trauma, but still trauma. I suppose that's why I don't remember how it felt anymore. I remember a few big moments, like when I was told that they had found a heart. I remember some of the smaller ones too, but only vaguely, like watching the Game Show Network (GSN) all day.
My past posts about my transplant have not always been positively framed and that's because I want people to understand and know the truth. I've been incredibly fortunate to have received a transplant, but it's not a cure by any means. I'm incredibly grateful because I have a much better quality of life now. At the same time though, I'm supposed to be more cautious, especially since I have a suppressed immune system to stave off rejection of my heart. This is why I often say that I can't afford to be sick.
Transplant is still a really emotional topic for me and I think it always will be. Sometimes, I have a hard time believing that I'm still here. Some days are so wonderful that it feels like I'm dreaming. I was 16 when I received my transplant and I'm 22 now. Despite all of the time that has passed, I'm not sure I did fully come to terms with my transplant. It might also just be me overthinking things and making mountains out of ant hills. Who can say for sure? Lately I've been wondering if I deserved my transplant. It's a terrible thing to wonder, but I think I only wonder that because I'm letting life influence me in not so great ways. Someone thought I deserved a second chance at life, maybe it's time for me to see it their way. I don't want anyone to think that I'm not grateful. When I feel really down, I sometimes think of her and I cry and then I move on. I've been through too much to give up on myself.
Let me not leave this post without some positivity. I've done a lot of things over the past 6 years because of my transplant. I graduated high school and college. I'm in pharmacy school with some of the most wonderful and lovely people this world has seen. I got my driver's license at 21. I got my first real job in community pharmacy and have been employed there for a little over 2 years now. I live away from home in a city. And I'm cautiously happy these days.
Not many people ask me about my transplant, but I don't mind if they do. In fact, I wish people did ask me questions. But that is mostly on me. While my transplant is not a secret by any means, I'm not to the point where I use it as a conversation starter. Perhaps it should be a conversation starter. I have often thought about using it to open conversation, but I also don't want to make people feel uncomfortable or feel like they need to pity me. I don't need nor want pity, just love and acceptance like everyone else. When I was younger, I always wanted people to have a surprised reaction when I told them about my transplant, but the truth is that a lot of people don't have that reaction or at least they don't express it if they do. I think I used to want a surprised reaction because it would usually mean that people would ask questions and take an interest in me. I guess you could say that I appreciated the attention and always sort of have. But I have also always been the type of person that needs extra love and care for whatever reason. My transplant is one of the few things that I will always share freely about myself. I welcome curiosity and questions. And as I move forward in life, I'm realizing that my education has the potential to put me into an incredible position of advocacy and maybe even an opportunity to help others like myself. And I want to be here long enough to be able to achieve that dream. So the goal is to be the longest living heart transplant recipient obviously.
Please consider becoming an organ donor at donatelife.net if you are not already one. It is one of the most selfless acts of love you can perform. Someone else's selfless act of love saved my life. Your selfless act of love could save someone too.
---
Note: The title of this blog post is modeled after the episode titles of the medical TV show, Scrubs.
Sunday, September 24, 2017
"It's funny how our perceptions can be so off..."
Hi everyone, it's been a while since I last blogged. As some of you may know (or not know), I made the decision to continue my education further and go to pharmacy school. And I couldn't be happier to be where I am now. I've had the most wonderful weekend spending time with my friends and being able to (hopefully) represent my school well.
I didn't have the easiest or happiest transition into pharmacy school. Leaving home and my central support system was really difficult, but I've adjusted and have gotten used to life in a city. It's been an incredibly emotional journey for me, but I am really grateful for every moment. Yes, even the less pleasant ones because they've led up to this.
The title of this post is a tribute to the medical TV show, Scrubs. The full quote (or rather the part that I love the most) goes like this: "It's funny how our perceptions can be so off, like when you're searching for a place to fit in and you don't even realize you've been there the whole time."
I always wanted to fit in everywhere I went immediately. I wanted to have friends instantly. But realistically speaking, it usually doesn't work that way. There is no shortcut to feeling like you belong or even making friends. I've had to relearn that over and over again. Even though I only started school 6 weeks ago, I feel like I'm at a point where I can say with some confidence and a very full heart that I am in the right place with the right people at the right time.
I've had moments where I falter and feel inadequate, where I wonder if I'm really in the right place for me. But I am. My school made the decision to have me just as much as I made the decision to join them. If my insecurities didn't weigh so heavily, I would have made my realization much sooner.
I wondered when I would have this feeling of belonging like Elliot did in Scrubs. I waited and hoped for it to happen. And I can't quite tell when it finally sunk in, I can't quite pinpoint the exact moment. Was it the day I met my P2 mentor? Or was it on a Friday morning while I waited for class to start and while waiting was able to talk to one of my classmates/friends? Was it right before my first pharmaceutics/biopharm exam when I opened up to a classmate/friend? Or was it last night when the girls and I had game night (and I totally won the top 300 game)? I don't know. But somewhere in between everything that has happened, I've started to feel comfortable and so I've stopped searching for a place to fit in.
We all want so much to fit in and be liked that we don't realize we're already where we should be. Feeling like you belong takes time. And as for being liked, well, what's not to like? When you feel like you're surrounded by an incredible group of individuals, maybe it's because you're not too shabby yourself.
I didn't have the easiest or happiest transition into pharmacy school. Leaving home and my central support system was really difficult, but I've adjusted and have gotten used to life in a city. It's been an incredibly emotional journey for me, but I am really grateful for every moment. Yes, even the less pleasant ones because they've led up to this.
The title of this post is a tribute to the medical TV show, Scrubs. The full quote (or rather the part that I love the most) goes like this: "It's funny how our perceptions can be so off, like when you're searching for a place to fit in and you don't even realize you've been there the whole time."
I always wanted to fit in everywhere I went immediately. I wanted to have friends instantly. But realistically speaking, it usually doesn't work that way. There is no shortcut to feeling like you belong or even making friends. I've had to relearn that over and over again. Even though I only started school 6 weeks ago, I feel like I'm at a point where I can say with some confidence and a very full heart that I am in the right place with the right people at the right time.
I've had moments where I falter and feel inadequate, where I wonder if I'm really in the right place for me. But I am. My school made the decision to have me just as much as I made the decision to join them. If my insecurities didn't weigh so heavily, I would have made my realization much sooner.
I wondered when I would have this feeling of belonging like Elliot did in Scrubs. I waited and hoped for it to happen. And I can't quite tell when it finally sunk in, I can't quite pinpoint the exact moment. Was it the day I met my P2 mentor? Or was it on a Friday morning while I waited for class to start and while waiting was able to talk to one of my classmates/friends? Was it right before my first pharmaceutics/biopharm exam when I opened up to a classmate/friend? Or was it last night when the girls and I had game night (and I totally won the top 300 game)? I don't know. But somewhere in between everything that has happened, I've started to feel comfortable and so I've stopped searching for a place to fit in.
We all want so much to fit in and be liked that we don't realize we're already where we should be. Feeling like you belong takes time. And as for being liked, well, what's not to like? When you feel like you're surrounded by an incredible group of individuals, maybe it's because you're not too shabby yourself.
Tuesday, July 25, 2017
Summer 2017
I haven't blogged since graduation so I guess I'm overdue to say something. (Also, I have two drafts of unfinished blog posts so yeah). Honestly, I don't think I have the words to describe the past couple of months beyond saying how utterly miserable I was for about 75% of the time. I don't mean to downplay the time that I have spent with friends because I really do appreciate their company and their willingness to hang out, but I've always hated summer and this summer in particular has been the most trying ever since the summer leading into my junior year of high school. This summer has gotten better as it's started to come to a close though. The weather is nice right now and I'm trying to take advantage of it before the stifling humidity and heat return by spending as much time with people and doing as many things as I can with the limited energy that I have.
This summer wasn't a completely terrible one, I'll admit that much. Earlier on in the summer, Claire and I went to a lavender farm and to the gardenfest at Belle Grove. I even spent a few hours at her house and got to meet the bottle fed baby goats. That part of summer was peaceful. I caught up with Taylor at Newtown Creamery one night, and she was kind enough to take me home from a weekend visit to see my sister. I've spent a lot of time with Emily, haha. I've stayed over a few nights and eaten yummy food and gotten ice cream more times than I ever have. I blame the ice cream habit on Laurel. (yeah, I call 'em by their first names, fight me lol) Rachel has joined us for our ice cream outings. Movie night actually happened with Cristen and Emily. I finally got to see Rogue One and it's so beautiful and devastating at the same time. I don't think I'll ever get over that movie, especially how perfect and saddening that ending was. Cristen and I are slated to see The Big Sick this weekend, which I'm excited for. I only ever enjoy summer as it comes to an end.
The prospect of this summer ending is a bit scary though. I'm not going back to SU in the fall and I won't even be working at my pharmacy until winter break. Dr. Bly was right about me when he said that I like being in my comfort zone. (okay, I don't call them all by their first names, but I'll get around to it someday lol) I don't like beginnings or endings very much, the middle is a good place to be. I think about my time at SU a lot and how it took me so much time to let go and fall into the person I was going to be throughout college. (it's Brett's fault if anyone was wondering, jk) I don't make friends very easily either and I find that starting fresh is always difficult. Confidence takes forever to build up. For that reason alone, I was so incredibly lucky to have gone to SU. I was timid and quiet during my freshman year. I can't help but wonder if freshman me would ever recognize senior me. SU, like every college, has its downsides, but the most wonderful thing about it is how much you end up growing as a person. I was never confident in myself until my senior year when it became apparent to me that I was capable of more than I ever gave myself credit for, but we know where that confidence has gone now. A lot of my growth as a person is, and this is going to sound super sappy, due to how much love and reassurance I was given at SU. Tough love makes you resilient. But let's be real, I was always treated with the soft kind of love rather than the tough love...usually. By mid-August, though, I'll have to reinvent myself and be comfortable with being uncomfortable for a little while until I fall into place. We'll see how that goes.
This summer wasn't a completely terrible one, I'll admit that much. Earlier on in the summer, Claire and I went to a lavender farm and to the gardenfest at Belle Grove. I even spent a few hours at her house and got to meet the bottle fed baby goats. That part of summer was peaceful. I caught up with Taylor at Newtown Creamery one night, and she was kind enough to take me home from a weekend visit to see my sister. I've spent a lot of time with Emily, haha. I've stayed over a few nights and eaten yummy food and gotten ice cream more times than I ever have. I blame the ice cream habit on Laurel. (yeah, I call 'em by their first names, fight me lol) Rachel has joined us for our ice cream outings. Movie night actually happened with Cristen and Emily. I finally got to see Rogue One and it's so beautiful and devastating at the same time. I don't think I'll ever get over that movie, especially how perfect and saddening that ending was. Cristen and I are slated to see The Big Sick this weekend, which I'm excited for. I only ever enjoy summer as it comes to an end.
The prospect of this summer ending is a bit scary though. I'm not going back to SU in the fall and I won't even be working at my pharmacy until winter break. Dr. Bly was right about me when he said that I like being in my comfort zone. (okay, I don't call them all by their first names, but I'll get around to it someday lol) I don't like beginnings or endings very much, the middle is a good place to be. I think about my time at SU a lot and how it took me so much time to let go and fall into the person I was going to be throughout college. (it's Brett's fault if anyone was wondering, jk) I don't make friends very easily either and I find that starting fresh is always difficult. Confidence takes forever to build up. For that reason alone, I was so incredibly lucky to have gone to SU. I was timid and quiet during my freshman year. I can't help but wonder if freshman me would ever recognize senior me. SU, like every college, has its downsides, but the most wonderful thing about it is how much you end up growing as a person. I was never confident in myself until my senior year when it became apparent to me that I was capable of more than I ever gave myself credit for, but we know where that confidence has gone now. A lot of my growth as a person is, and this is going to sound super sappy, due to how much love and reassurance I was given at SU. Tough love makes you resilient. But let's be real, I was always treated with the soft kind of love rather than the tough love...usually. By mid-August, though, I'll have to reinvent myself and be comfortable with being uncomfortable for a little while until I fall into place. We'll see how that goes.
Sunday, May 14, 2017
"It builds character"
I graduated from SU yesterday. What's more surprising was that I didn't cry at all yesterday. I told myself that I would feel differently from when I graduated high school. Honestly, graduating from college is so different from high school. I thought I would feel sadder when I graduated from high school, but I accepted it as it was. I was quite happy throughout graduation yesterday, despite the weather. The heartache, I realized, comes later. There is so much more emotion associated with college.
I'll go back to SU more than a few times this summer, I'm sure. (Probably tomorrow, if I'm being honest.) But it won't be the same anymore. I almost feel like a memory rather than a current existence. I'll never be a student at SU again. I'll never sit in my spot in HLSB to study or do homework or procrastinate. I'll never wander through the hallway on the third floor of HLSB to bother everyone as a student ever again. It's hard to not think of all of the things I'll never do again as a student. Even though I wanted to graduate (and have), I also didn't want to leave. I don't want to be forgotten.
There's a lot of pain and heartbreak in the buildings on campus, in the walls of those buildings, and on the sidewalks. I can still picture some of the memories clearly, I can transpose them onto the surroundings. Some of them happy, some of them not so much, but all of them make me nostalgic. For this reason alone, it'll be good for me to leave and move on. It's about time I pick up my feet and let them take me elsewhere, somewhere away from home and all of the emotion associated with home.
It's funny to think back to freshman year and how painfully awkward and quiet I used to be. I used to think I would never make any friends. And then something beautiful happened and I made friends. Unfortunately, as fate would have it, I didn't get to keep all of them. Time, distance, and different perspectives can really make or break a friendship. I also made mistakes too, and those mistakes costed me a few very precious friendships that I had assumed I would have forever. Do I regret it? Of course, I always will regret that there were people I lost because of my own actions. But some lessons take some hurting to learn from them. And now, I treasure the friends that I have been able to keep all the more. No matter what happens from here on out, I'll remember everyone I held dear at Shenandoah. Memories last for as long as you choose to remember them and I choose to keep all of the ones that I can, no matter how wonderful or awful they may have been.
Thank you to everyone who has been a part of my journey at SU, especially my family, my friends (those that I've made along the way and those who have been there from before), the professors of the biology department, the professors of the chemistry department, the one man physics department, the best general education professors one could ever have, Tracy, and so many others. And thank you to God, my family, my donor family, and my donor, without whom I would not have had the opportunity to make it this far.
Thank you, SU, for loving me so well despite me being a mess.
So, what's next? Summer. Work. A microeconomics class, much to my discontent. Hopefully lots of reading. Lots of Netflix, of course. Some SU visiting. Hanging out with friends. Spending time with family.
---
The title of this blog post is the most annoying and cringeworthy catchphrase I heard over the past four years at SU. Thanks, Dr. Kite.
I'll go back to SU more than a few times this summer, I'm sure. (Probably tomorrow, if I'm being honest.) But it won't be the same anymore. I almost feel like a memory rather than a current existence. I'll never be a student at SU again. I'll never sit in my spot in HLSB to study or do homework or procrastinate. I'll never wander through the hallway on the third floor of HLSB to bother everyone as a student ever again. It's hard to not think of all of the things I'll never do again as a student. Even though I wanted to graduate (and have), I also didn't want to leave. I don't want to be forgotten.
There's a lot of pain and heartbreak in the buildings on campus, in the walls of those buildings, and on the sidewalks. I can still picture some of the memories clearly, I can transpose them onto the surroundings. Some of them happy, some of them not so much, but all of them make me nostalgic. For this reason alone, it'll be good for me to leave and move on. It's about time I pick up my feet and let them take me elsewhere, somewhere away from home and all of the emotion associated with home.
It's funny to think back to freshman year and how painfully awkward and quiet I used to be. I used to think I would never make any friends. And then something beautiful happened and I made friends. Unfortunately, as fate would have it, I didn't get to keep all of them. Time, distance, and different perspectives can really make or break a friendship. I also made mistakes too, and those mistakes costed me a few very precious friendships that I had assumed I would have forever. Do I regret it? Of course, I always will regret that there were people I lost because of my own actions. But some lessons take some hurting to learn from them. And now, I treasure the friends that I have been able to keep all the more. No matter what happens from here on out, I'll remember everyone I held dear at Shenandoah. Memories last for as long as you choose to remember them and I choose to keep all of the ones that I can, no matter how wonderful or awful they may have been.
Thank you to everyone who has been a part of my journey at SU, especially my family, my friends (those that I've made along the way and those who have been there from before), the professors of the biology department, the professors of the chemistry department, the one man physics department, the best general education professors one could ever have, Tracy, and so many others. And thank you to God, my family, my donor family, and my donor, without whom I would not have had the opportunity to make it this far.
Thank you, SU, for loving me so well despite me being a mess.
So, what's next? Summer. Work. A microeconomics class, much to my discontent. Hopefully lots of reading. Lots of Netflix, of course. Some SU visiting. Hanging out with friends. Spending time with family.
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The title of this blog post is the most annoying and cringeworthy catchphrase I heard over the past four years at SU. Thanks, Dr. Kite.
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