"When there is an organ donor, life springs from death"

Happy fourth heartiversary to me! I make it a point to try to write a blog post for each year that passes and this time I'm not looking back at the old posts for any so-called inspiration. I'm on fall break right now so it means that I have time to be able to reflect and write, but doing both of those things hasn't become any easier considering the subject at hand.

It's a little morbid to lead off with, but I vaguely remember hearing from one of my cousins a few years ago that I looked like I was dying during the time when I was waiting for a heart, or something to that effect. To clarify, one of my cousins was relaying that comment from one of our other cousins so it wasn't something that I heard directly while I was waiting. And, well, it was true. I was dying. I can't look back and say that I wasn't. I couldn't even eat food without feeling an overwhelming urge to throw up. But then most amazing thing happened.

I'll never forget that day. October 19th, 2011, Dr. Scheel dropped by my room. I remember saying something along the lines of this to her: "So, are you here to tell me that there's a heart?" And then the twist came when she said yes. And then I asked her again because I didn't believe her. After she left, I cried and hugged my favorite nurse, Kyle, who just so happened to be taking care of me that day. He told me that he was so happy for me. And because of what happened that day, a 16 year old junior in high school didn't die. A daughter, a little sister, a niece, a cousin, didn't die. I didn't die. By the grace of God, my organ donor and her family, and the incredible transplant team at Hopkins, I lived. Not survived, but lived. I suppose it should be living rather than lived though. Surviving and living, although synonymous, are two different things. And I will be forever grateful.

I don't express my gratitude nearly enough as I should because life returned to what we'll call normal, but I am grateful. I've had my fair share of days where I really do want to give up, but there's always one thing that anchors me above all else (besides religion, family, and friends) and that's my donor. To this day, I don't know anything about her. But I hope that will change in the future when I reach out to her family once more. If anything at all, I just want to say thank you in person to her loved ones because their decision matters just as much as her choice to become an organ donor did.

To everyone who has helped me reach this day in my life, thank you and I love you. Here's to four years and decades more to come!

Sunset/Sunrise

The summer sun that I despise so much is about to set at last. It's the moment I wait for every summer and yet I don't wish to see this summer leave me. And there's one reason why I don't want this summer to end. That reason is that I've finally met all of my cousins, with the exception of one. It was a breath of fresh air to meet them, to get to know them, to finally be able to love them for all that they are. They went home yesterday morning and if I hadn't had to go to work, I would have cried so hard. But for every sunset, there is sure to be a sunrise.

Classes/labs are starting on Monday and while I'm not necessarily looking forward to being stressed out on a daily basis or having to attend classes/labs, I am grateful for the routine and structure that classes/labs will provide. I have a feeling that this semester, and the entire academic year, will be very different from the past two years. And I haven't yet ascertained whether or not the difference will be relatively positive or relatively negatively. I guess I have to wait for the sunrise on Monday to really know what it's going to be like this year.

The End of an Era

It's hard to believe that sophomore year is over now, that I'm a junior in college and I still have no idea what I want to do in life. It feels like a lot has changed over the past two years and then almost nothing at all, but I think that's because I haven't made much progress towards any of my goals. I've always been slower than everyone else, I think it's one of my fatal flaws among other things.

Sophomore year of college, Alice says it's the most difficult year of college. I don't think I can say that she's right or wrong just yet, but I do understand why she said that. First semester of sophomore year was pure agony with regards to classes. Three science classes with labs and two gen eds wasn't the best idea. But the first semester was also a lot of fun because I actually did things like going to an apple orchard with friends, seeing shows featuring the ever so talented folks of the conservatory, and sleeping over in Anne and Osinachi's room. First semester was the conference room era, the intense study sessions together...or maybe not so intense because I remember goofing off a lot. It was when I was in the UI almost every single day without fail, including the weekends too. Second semester was very different from that. Our schedules stopped coincided the way they used. I had a smaller load of classes and classwork to worry about and yet it seemed like I was much busier. As stressful as a full schedule is, I think it prompts you to make time for doing fun stuff rather than just happening upon it like this semester. But there was still a lot of good that came out of this semester: me starting to watch Parks and Rec, having my first frappuccino with Lila and Kyle as my witnesses, and pretty much all of Apple Blossom weekend. This semester was the end of an era. Sounds weird saying that now even though I'm only halfway through college, but it's true in a way because of who I'm losing and who I'm gaining and all of the changes that are going to settle into place in the fall. To my three dear friends who are moving on, Leesun, Kyle, and Lila, I wish you the best of luck and I will see you later--although, I really hope that later comes a lot sooner than when I think it will. And to my dear Symone, it's so wonderful to have you back.

I will miss sophomore year for a lot of reasons. There are a lot of good memories that I'm taking away from this academic year. I only hope that junior year is just as much fun.

Change

Today was Admitted Freshman Day and I had the great honor to be a part of one of the programs. But before I talk about how that went, allow me to take you back almost two years ago when I was still in high school and nearly 18 years old. Ready? Here we go:

Friday, April 12th, 2013-Admitted Freshman Day

Today was Admitted Freshmen Day at SU. I went to the breakfast for the Presidential Scholarship recipients. It was nice for the most part, but I still don't understand how I'm going to become close to these people, much less the other incoming students. Honestly, I don't know why I was chosen when I haven't accomplished anything. Anyway, after breakfast, we ventured to one of the auditoriums for the FYS presentation, which completely captivated me. I felt myself falling for SU. I loved the entire presentation. I fell in love with Dr. PG, Ting Yu, and Maher instantly. They made me want to believe that SU is where I belong. After that, we went to hear about our own separate areas. Mine was the College of Arts and Sciences with Dean Allen. We were separated into our majors so I was lumped in with the rest of the chem majors. Like before, I fell in love with the chem professor (The chem professor that I am referring to is Professor Lake, who I sadly did not get the chance to have) who showed us around and spoke to us. He was so knowledgeable and good natured. He had very kind eyes. After that, we went to lunch. And after lunch came the presentation on Student Life. This is where I felt myself shrinking back. I felt depressed. I won't be on campus so I'm not going to have a life. (It's true, you don't have a life, but it's not because you don't live on campus. It's because you're a double major in biology and chemistry) I don't see myself making friends. (But you did make friends!)

I want to accept SU, but I'm really afraid. I don't want to go through the process of having to open up again. I hate that process. (You got through it just fine) I want to fit right in at SU and have everyone love me at an instant. But I don't see that happening. I won't make friends easily. I'm already nervous about the fact that the other Pres Scholars and myself will go over to Tracy's for dinner or so I've heard anyway. That worries me. (It ended up being so much fun though. You shouldn't have worried!) I like people, but it's so hard to be social. It's so hard to be confident when you know you're not talented. I don't even have a knack for anything. (Give yourself time, you're a work in progress) I'm way in over my head. People won't want to have anything to do with me. I can't relate to the other students or so I feel. I feel like I have a better shot with the professors. (You're silly, you've made lots of friends. But you are on pretty good terms with some of the professors too) I don't know what I'm doing anymore. (I hate to say it, but you still don't know what you're doing and that's okay!) Of all places, I never thought I'd go to a private university. The place seems and feels so loving, but I'm afraid to take a chance. I want to make friends and be the best student that I can be, but it's just hard. (It wasn't so bad. You did it!) 

Welcome back to the present! I sounded like a typical teenager, right? I still can't break away from sounding that way even though I'm nearly 20 now. It's remarkable how a lot can change in two years. Today, I had the chance to speak to the admitted freshman about my moment at SU. If I'm being honest, I think I messed it up. I don't think I expressed myself as well as I could have in comparison to everyone else who spoke. Everyone else had something to their names, something amazing about them, whether they were active in organizations across campus or had the chance to go somewhere amazing. And me? Well, Dr. Kite did tell me that's it okay to be plain, not that I am. Anyway, I think I will start over and try again. This is what I wanted to say: 

Hi, I'm Fawzia. I'm a sophomore biology/chemistry double major. I'm a little crazy. I was born in Winchester and have lived in the area my whole life. And I initially didn't like being at SU. I resented being here as a commuter. I always wanted to get away for college. I was nervous about making friends and felt lonely and left out at first. But things picked up speed as time went on. I met Silvino, the first person from SU that made me feel like someone cared. Things eventually spiraled from there. I made friends. I became more outgoing. I started to feel like I had a place at SU. I don't have a particular defining moment at SU because I've had so many. For as many sad/angry/bad moments I've had (and I've had a lot), there have been a 100 more full of laughter and love...and awkwardness. I guess what I really want to say is that it's okay to be nervous, to be a little afraid. Maybe you're like me and you don't see how you'll make friends, but you definitely will. Someone will reach out to you...probably Silvino. You're going to be just fine. 

Still, I'm glad I had the opportunity to speak to students today even if I don't think I got my point across. At least they all know that I love Silvino! That's pretty sufficient in and of itself actually! It was a lot of fun to be there and hear about other people's moments. You never know what to expect from people. 

SU isn't for everyone, I understand that. I've had my moments of doubt and will have more in the future, but I always seem to be reminded, whether it's by a friend, classmate, professor, etc., that SU is the right place for me. Yes, there are things that could be better, like there is at any other college or university, but I can live with those things because it's the people that really matter to me. I don't know what it's like to be at a bigger university. I don't know if there's the same feeling of a close knit community or if the professors visibly care about their students. That's why I like SU. Two years later and I can say that the community is strong and people really do care. And I'm pretty content. 

Reevaluating

I've been watching too much of House, M.D. again. I know that I am because I'm reconsidering in the back of my mind. I'm still as unsure now as I've always been about what I want to do in life, who I want to be, and the like. When I was younger, it was easier to tell people that I was going to be a doctor so that I could help people. It wasn't a lie or mere convenience, it was the honest truth at the time. Back then, I had no perceptions about careers of any sort. Now that I'm older, I know better. I'm never going to be House, which is a relief and a tragedy at the same time. The TV shows exaggerate everything, but the paperwork and hours. 

I wonder what it's like to be someone who knows exactly what they want to do in life and how to get there. A few of my friends have gotten to that point and I'm happy for them. But I feel alone, like I'm being left behind. Osinachi once told me that I shouldn't settle for something just because I don't mind it. She said that I should feel passionate about what I'm studying, have some kind of emotional investment in it, but I'm indifferent to it all. I feel like I'm mindlessly studying for a nonexistent future. No, I don't mean that in the morbid sense. Any passion that I have for a subject comes from others, except for microbiology. Yeah, lectures weren't the most thrilling and I did have a handful of bad days in lab. The surprising part was that I wasn't entirely incompetent in microbiology lab like I was in every other science lab I had been in up until that point, including the ones I was taking at the time. Or maybe I was just as incompetent but didn't notice because I had fun. Fun. 

Getting back to my point now, I stumbled upon was inspired by House and as a result I looked up 'phlebotomist.' It led me to a website full of health professions. If only I could be a phlebotomist. I'm too shaky though. I don't know if it's a side effect of the medications or not, but it's the only logical explanation I can think of. I think everyone else around me must believe that I get extremely nervous in labs or something. Labs can be crazy and intimidating, but it's not why I shake. I'm honestly not that nervous. It's a little unfair because then everyone thinks you're an incapable fool. (Or at least that's what I think people are thinking of me.) Anyway, other careers that sounded interesting to me: blood bank technologist, clinical lab tech, perfusionist, and pathologist. (I guess blood is a commonality between all five in one way or another.) I'm still not sure why I'm a chemistry major. If there was ever a calling for me, it's probably in biology not chemistry. I know that much about myself, but I've been through too much chemistry to back out now. I wanted to believe that if I took enough chemistry classes that I would find my niche, but I don't think I will. Somehow I have a very strong feeling that biochemistry and physical chemistry aren't going to suddenly produce some emotion in me. I won't get back the past two years of college, but I can still try to fix this.