A Pure and Honest Reflection of the Past Year

It's finally the day I've been waiting for...my first heartiversary. A year ago from today, I underwent heart transplantation, which resulted in my second chance to live and love the life I lead. It hasn't been an easy year for me. I still haven't gotten closure, but I'm working towards it as the days continue to pass. 

Since I've decided to be honest, I'm not going to hide the way I've felt. I'm not about to sugarcoat anything, not today. 

I'm in a calm, peaceful mood right now. As I type, I'm thinking about everything that I can possibly remember from the past year. Positive, cheerful me has a lot to say, but so does negative me. 

Let me start with what my positive self has to say. Before transplantation, I was still able to smile and laugh despite my situation. It helps to have such a loving family and wonderful people taking care of you. After transplantation, I was in pain, but it's what I guess you could call happy pain, because I made it. I had a whole cocktail of medications to take following transplantation and that was difficult to deal with. I've tried to look at it with optimistic eyes. I'm especially happy now because I don't take as many as I used to and the number of medications still hasn't reached its absolute minimum of three yet; I'm still lingering around at five. 

I have a lot to smile about. I have a lot to laugh about. But most importantly, I have a lot to be thankful for. Because of transplantation, because of this second chance, I was able to finish my junior year and continue on into my senior year. Over that time period, I've met some really amazing people and strengthened my relationships with my friends. I've had a good amount of firsts, such as going to Roma's, playing Just Dance, getting my first pair of Levi's, riding the metro, and going to the Cheesecake Factory. Guaranteed that these firsts might not seem that exciting to the average person, but they're special to me.

Sometimes, I can't believe that what I've gone through was real...but then I see the scars and am reminded that it really happened. The scars, the ICD device (which I actually got to keep!), the medications, the pictures, the memories. They remind me. When I was in the hospital, I remember telling one of my nurses something like "you never know how strong you are, until being strong is the only choice you have left." (I, of course, am not that creative. I saw a quote like that a long time ago somewhere on the Interwebs.) In spite of the complaints I've made, at times I feel like I can rightfully say that for all I have been through, I have been strong.

Now for a darker, more depressing take on the past year along with lots of complaining. I'd advise you to skip over this if you don't want to be saddened or annoyed. It sucked. It honestly really sucked. It wasn't fair at all that I had to go through what I went through. Those few months before and after transplantation contained the worst pain I've ever felt in my entire life. I felt dead, like I really was going to die. I'm thankful that I didn't, but I'm still only human. I have days where I feel like the successful attempt to save my life wasn't worth it. I know it might be wrong of me to admit and say that, but I am human. I didn't go through this past year with a smile plastered on my face the entire time. Every once in a long while, I have moments when I think of how ungrateful I am and how my donor should be the one living instead. Those are not good moments for me; this is why I feel weak. I usually just cry and don't talk to anyone about it. That's the other thing. 

I don't talk to many people about transplantation, because a lot of the time, I feel like no one cares. Even when I do talk about it to my select few (excluding my family, of course), I feel like they don't even care. I understand that people have their own hardships to face and it's selfish of me to ask them to comfort me when they're struggling too. I wish people had asked about it when I returned to school, but almost no one did. That made me feel like no one cared at all. I've been told that people don't ask because they don't know how to or because they don't want to make me feel uncomfortable. Maybe that's what it is, but I have nothing to hide. I'm willing to share my story, the good and the bad parts of it. 

Going back to a more positive view now, I've been called an inspiration. I often feel undeserving of such an honor because I am such a complainer. I guess I can understand why people think of me as such, but I don't feel deserving of it. Still, I do appreciate being called an inspiration. It's nice to know that my experience inspired someone else. I've always wanted to be an inspiration to someone and now I am, even to people I don't know. 

One of my friends made me understand that I can't let this experience become me and dictate my life. And for him, but mostly myself, I promise that I won't let it. I promise I'll move on and accept everything that's happened. I'll use this experience to help others and myself.

I'm happy to be alive. Even though I have moments of depression and negativity, I'm happy overall. I'm still here. And because I'm still here, I intend to make a difference. I don't know how long I'm going to live for, but I know that I want to spend the rest of my life working towards being happy and helping others. I think I owe that much to my donor, my donor's family, the medical personnel who took/take care of me, my family, and my friends. It's a work in progress. 

 And here is where I say thank you. Thank you to my ever-loving family for loving and supporting me through everything. Thank you to my donor family for making the decision that they did. Thank you to my cardiology team (Dr. Scheel, Peggy, Dawn, Dr. Coulson, and everyone else) for working so hard. Thank you to my nurses for making me smile and laugh, instilling hope, and sticking me with needles. Thank you to my DCM family for supporting me and believing in me. Thank you to my lovely Casey Harvey for all of your caring, racism, and overly dramatic lame humor. Thank you to Deepak for being a voice of reason, understanding, and kindness when it was needed. Thank you to all of my friends for making me smile, laugh and cry. I love you all. ♥

~~~~~
Another fall day. An infinite blue sky to look up at, a thousand beautiful trees to enjoy, a hundred blows of the wind to refresh, a second chance and one lovely heart to love it all ♥ Happy Heartiversary ♥ - Shradha 

"Happy Hearth Day" - Casey 

"It's my heartiversary ♥" - Me
"We know" - Deepak

"A journey of a thousand miles begins with one step." 

"It is infinitely better to transplant a heart than to bury it to be devoured by worms." - Christiaan Barnard

"I felt the earth beneath my feet, sat by the river and it made me complete"

My heartiversary is coming up, and there is something special I'd like to do. I don't really have any desire to go out to eat or anything like that. I don't particularly want any of that, but I won't say no to any of it.

I want to go to Sherando Park and walk around the lake while holding hands with a loved one, a friend. I want to sit down with that person, watch the water, and talk about the year that has passed. 

There are very few friends of mine who appreciate silence and are willing to listen to me talk about this. I have a few friends in mind, but I doubt I'm going to do this.

Sure, I want to celebrate on my heartiversary, but I also want to reflect as well. I want to spend part of the day looking back on the year that has passed.

Side Note: The title of the blog post is from Somewhere Only We Know by Keane. 

EDIT: I never did end up doing this. 

"Is this the place we used to love?"

I have guidance counselor issues... 

I went to Aylor today for the MAT program. Quite honestly, I'm not even sure what MAT is supposed to stand for, probably something easy and simple, but I just don't know. Yeah, so I went back to Aylor, my middle school. My former guidance counselor, Mr. Demorest, is basically in charge of it. It felt strange to be back at Aylor, to see him. 

When I attended Aylor as a student, I thought the world of Mr. Demorest. I admired him and respected him. I liked talking to him back in the day. I felt secure and protected because he was (and still is) such a kind, caring person. He was the one at Aylor that I "fell in love" with. But now, I don't know how to feel since it's been so long. Back in middle school he used to tell me that I need to break out of my shell, that I need to put myself out there. I think I've done that, but seeing him again after such a long time made me want to box myself up. 

I held Mr. Demorest in such high esteem in middle school. I still respect him, but seeing him today really kind of pulled me out of my dream-like trance of reality that I've been able to recreate at Sherando. In middle school, I had always been under the impression that he would always be someone that I could talk to. I wanted to keep his attention forever. I wanted to know that he cared. And although I know he still does, it's not the same anymore. Time has passed. He has other students to care for now. I understand that.  I'm probably going to continue with the MAT program and as a result I'll see Mr. Demorest more often. I don't know how that's going to impact me...

The past... I didn't want to be reminded. Aylor has changed. Mr. Demorest has changed, or so it seems that he has. I've changed. I will not let myself get stuck at Aylor. I moved on. It's not the same place anymore. Once upon a time, it was the place I used to love, but no longer. It's not like Aylor was awful, I just don't want to leave any part of myself there. 

...I've made it sound like the MAT program was horrible, but it wasn't and it's not. I got to interact with some really amazing kids. I enjoyed being with them and I'd like to spend more time with them. I just need to take care to not think about the place I used to know. 

Side Note: Title of post is from a song called Somewhere Only We Know by Keane. 

EDIT: Wow...I'm really angsty. Angst, angst, angst. Eww. I need to not be like this anymore.

Unedited Thoughts

When I decided to take my break from blogging, I had wanted to be away for a month. That didn't work though. While I was away, I was thinking. Instrumental music helps me dig up old emotions and current emotions and just reflect on them. Of course, my thoughts get a little...well, I'll just let you see for yourself.

9/23/12:

Don't ever "give" your heart to someone. It will be thrown around, kicked, and beaten. But perhaps the scariest thing that can happen is that someone will treasure it. Someone will care for it and protect it. In the world today, it seems that people will care for your heart until you are no longer of any great use. How can you tell if people are sincere? Why subject yourself to that kind of pain? Don't ever "give" your heart to someone. You might never get it back. And then what would be left of you? 

The past. We left it covered in glass. I know why I feel trapped. I know why I can't move. I know why I can't reach out and feel you there. I've been sealed in the glass. I can't feel myself here anymore.  

At some point in life, we struggle to express ourselves. I've never really been able to express the way I feel accurately enough. I'm not an artist of any kind. I do not draw. I do not paint. I do not play a single instrument. I do not write. I do not act. I don't have any of that and I feel like that contributes to why I can't express who I am. Well, sort of. I've been thinking too much again...

9/24/12:

Freedom. The feeling of being free. There are people we meet who set us free. They teach us to breathe. They teach us to live. And they are irreplaceable. But those are the people who we are fated to lose. They are not bound to anyone. They are free. 

Why do other people believe in us when we don't even believe in ourselves? People say that if you don't believe in yourself, then no one will. Why does that seem like such a lie?  

People say that you meet your real friends in college. I can't bring myself to believe that. I refuse to believe it, even though I've seen it happen. But what about the friends I've made throughout high school and even before then? Do they not matter? Unlike some of my other peers, I don't "clean" my slate after each year has passed.

I don't throw people away intentionally. I hope no one has felt that I've thrown them away. It's happened to me before. It's happening now. I want to stand up and stop it, but why should I? Yes, I have extremely low self-esteem and yes, I feel like I'm garbage when people toss me out. I'm one of those people who unfortunately believes that they're worthless no matter what they say or do. A person who lacks purpose. But of course, that's my depressed, negative self talking. It's not a lie or some fantasy I've cooked up, I really do feel that way sometimes. It's not so much the fault of other people as it is my own.

I know how foolish I am when it comes to friendships. I'd rather be a fool than anything else. I don't want to lose people, but I know I will. It's happening. One by one, they'll all turn and walk away. I understand that they have to. But I don't like it. If that's the reality of life, why do we have friends to begin with?

9/27/12:

Heh, I always end up insisting that I'm not intelligent. Mrs. Britton and I chatted today. She thinks I'm intelligent. I guess I am to an extent, but I don't see myself as intelligent when mostly everyone else around me is so much smarter. Why do people think I'm smart? I'm not really trying to be modest, I just don't think a lot of myself. I could be more knowledgeable. I wish I had worked harder when I was younger. I know I should believe in myself more and not be so hard on myself, but I can't help it. I've become so used to doing things for other people. My grades, they're not for me as much as they are for the people around me. I feel like I have to be perfect and infallible. The intelligence I'm told that I have is for display. I wish it wasn't, but I feel like I have to prove that I'm not the fool that I think I am. It's nice to hear people say I'm intelligent and it's funny too because I'm always trying to refute it. I don't believe in myself enough yet. I haven't found that middle ground between humble and arrogant. I'm working on it...

That was all over the place...

9/29/12:

I finally went to Walmart to pick up my two new pairs of glasses. I decided that the blue frames will become my normal pair while the thicker purplish-pinkish will be reserved for when I decide to dress up...or for when I feel like wearing them. My new glasses feel and look weird. I don't think the blue frames suit me well. I like my old glasses, the burgundy frames. Those are really old, at least four years old. I like them though. I feel like they suited me well. I don't particularly like thick frames, which are in style now. Well, I don't like them for myself. They look fine on other people. I just think I'm better suited to thin frames. I wonder if anyone will notice that I have new glasses. I won't feel upset if no one notices. I usually don't notice stuff like that on other people. I guess I need to get used to these blue frames even if I don't want to. 

Okay, now it's time for me to comment on all of that. I'm sure you noticed the colours. I did that on purpose because for the first two days I listed, I had multiple thoughts that I wrote about. Each one of those thoughts from 9/23 and 9/24 were brought on because of instrumental music. The thoughts from 9/27 and 9/29 were based on real events, whereas the previous two were purely ideas and feelings. In my present state, I probably would want to take back some of these old thoughts. I won't though, because what I said was reflective of how I was feeling. 

One other thing, I've already gotten used to my new glasses...haha.

Blog Name Change

If you have been following me, I have two things to say:
1) Thanks for following me!
2) I've changed the name of my blog.

My blog formerly known as 'The Thoughts and Life of a Dreamer' has a new name, 'Reveal.' 

3 Main Reasons (for the change): 
-The name was a mouthful.
-The name sounded blah.
-And the name didn't feel right because of previous two reasons.

It's true that I think of myself as a dreamer, but my blog has become more of me revealing my thoughts and life to a known and unknown audience...I really just like the word 'reveal' and the idea of having a one word blog name.

ALSO, I'm back...

I have a lot of weirdo thoughts to share with you guys! Weirdo thoughts coming to a blog post near you. Kidding! But I really am going to pick up blogging again. I wanted a bit of a break. I actually wanted to be away for a month, but because of the blog name change I decided to come back and explain it. 

...I changed the colours and format of my blog too. You like?