Death and Sorrow

The sun is shining outside. There seems to be a slight breeze, but I bet it feels pretty hot anyway. I'm sitting in the living room stealing glances at the trees and the little bits of the sky within my range of vision. I have my thinking face on, which I guess makes me appear sad or troubled because my father always asks me if I'm okay whenever he sees me like this.

I was thinking about death just now. I'm not afraid to die. I've been within the realm of the dying. I want to be able to welcome death when it's time. I could have sworn it was my time to go almost a year ago. To this day though, I'm still dying and so is everyone else around me. From the day we are born, we are dying. Someone once told me something like that. I guess it sounds depressing, but I don't see it that way.

If you had the power to bring back the dead, would you? I think I would want to, but I would never be able to bring myself to do it. Bringing the dead back seems cruel in a way. The dead need to be left alone. Ah, I don't sound like my "normal" self right now. I've gone out of it, but let me continue and see where I go.

Can you see sorrow in the eyes of others? I can't. People seem to find hidden sorrow lingering in mine.  When people find sorrow, they wonder what the cause is, what the reason is. Very few care to bother finding out. And the ones that do find out, they forget and push it to the back of their mind or out of their mind. They don't ask questions. They don't try to comfort you. They go back to normal because your loss has nothing to do with them. At the same time though, each person faces their own struggles so the other person can't truly be blamed. We all live different lives. We all have different struggles. We can only be there for each other so much.

Hiiiii

Hiiiiiii guys! I felt like writing something. I don't write as frequently as I used to. I was full of things to say back in May for some reason, but not so much anymore. I think that's due to the fact that it's summer and I haven't been in school. Well, sort of.

I'm actually in school. As you all should know by now from all of my lovely complaining, I'm in two math classes. I just finished my last test for my online math class. If I'm lucky, my average will be an 85 and I'll be exempt from my final...but it doesn't look like that's happening. I'm pretty sure I just lost my 4.0 GPA. As for my other class, which is not online, I'm behind. I need to do some heavy work for that class tomorrow. I'm getting an incomplete for the class, but hopefully I'll finish it off with an A of some sort. It'll help balance out my devastating grade that I'll probably be receiving in my online half of Pre-Cal. I guess I deserve the upcoming demotion in GPA since I didn't work hard enough in math. Look at me, I'm being so negative. Well, at least I'm myself.

Besides math, I haven't been up to much. I went to Lauren's house today. Megan came over and we basically just sat on the couch. We really didn't do anything, but it was nice to be with them. Unfortunately, I didn't get to see Casey on Thursday. She's definitely coming over one of these days before school starts. Claire and I are planning a picnic or trying to. I haven't seen Sarah and Brittany, but will hopefully catch them again before school starts. Well, I guess it doesn't matter since I'll be seeing them around. You don't get rid of those two that easily, or rather I won't ever be free of those two. I don't want to be free of them. I'm strangely more creative and imaginative around those two than anyone else. Alley and Taylor, I have a good feeling that I'll see them a couple more times this summer. Kasey fell off the planet, like she does every summer, and magically reappeared so I should be seeing her soon. As for Matthew, Elizabeth, and Paul...well, we always say we're going to see each other over the summer and then we only see each other once. I need to start making some plans to see people. That must have been boring for you to read, sorry for that. Well, at least you know that I'll be making plans and trying to stay busy.

Thanks to the Valcyte I've been taking, my CMV copies have decreased. The initial amount of copies made me laugh because there were so many and now there aren't nearly as many. As much as I hate taking medicine, it's always been a small price for me to pay even though it never feels like it. I wasn't meant to be whatever "normal" is in terms of health.

In other news, I'm close to finishing season three of Merlin. I'm being driven crazy by my peers who are looking at colleges and getting accepted to colleges. I know I should be doing the same, but I don't know if I'm ready to do that. I already know where I'm probably headed. I have to do what's convenient for my father and my siblings, at least for now. When I figure out what I really want, I'll be sure to go for it. That old dream of walking through Johns Hopkins as doctor and not a patient is suddenly drifting back to me, but do I want it that badly? I don't know yet.

Still Alive

Well, I guess today has been a good day. I returned to math class at LFCC. I was welcomed back by the guys, who sit behind me and Allie, with remarks of "Fawzie!" and "Shiny!" At my desk was a lovely flower pen that Allie had made for me. She made the flower part, not the pen. It's nice to know that I was missed. I missed those three and this other chick a lot. Class is amusing and bearable because of those four people. 

Enough about class, my dad made lamb chops today! Such good food! I love when my dad makes lamb chops, but it's more fun when my siblings are home to eat with us. We're a family that likes to eat. I remember the last time my dad made lamb chops, my brother was eating some rice along with them. I basically took his bowl and finished it. It's all good though, he found something else to devour. I like eating off of my siblings, because food looks and tastes so much better when it's theirs.

Today, I discovered that my math teacher knows Sarah. It was really unbelievable. I totally wasn't expecting to hear my teacher say that we have a friend in common. The funny part is that we both agreed upon how lively of a person Sarah happens to be. 

I haven't been hanging out with too many people lately. I was with Alley and Taylor on Saturday though, which was really nice. It had been so long since I had seen them. Turns out I wasn't the only one missing them, they were missing me too. I'm hoping to see Casey later in the week. I've been missing her dearly. After this weekend passes, I will be seeing Claire again.

Oh yes, I suppose I should mention that it's Ramadan. I haven't been fasting. I'm not allowed to. I know I was just sick for about two weeks and that I've contracted CMV (cytomeglovirus) but it still feels unfair. My dad thinks it's best if I don't fast. And my cardiologist, she would have it out with me if I even asked her. Like one of my older brothers said to me, she would probably come over and make me eat. It's understandable why I shouldn't be fasting and why I'm not, but it still bothers me. I feel as though I'll never be able to fast again, because I'm a cardiac transplant patient. I know that I need to take care of myself. But sometimes I can't help but wish that I had been normal in terms of my health. It is one of my hopes that people who are healthy realize how fortunate they are. 

I was thinking about how I know people who are absolutely perfect for each other, but they're so darn blind to what their relationship could be if they only gave it a chance. That's always bothered me. There are some people who obviously should be together, but they never see it or they try to deny it. Or they both have feelings for each other and never admit it. Or one of them has feelings for the other and the other is an idiot who doesn't understand their own emotions, therefore missing the opportunity. People and relationships...I just don't get it.  

I guess this is all for now. I really don't have anything interesting to say anymore. My life has become dull. I'm waiting for it to pick up again. Until then, this is all you'll get out of me. Yes, I'm well aware that the order of everything I just wrote doesn't make any sense. Like I said, this is all you're getting out of me.

Pointless Update

Well, I figured I should let you all know that I'm still alive. I'm feeling much better actually. I was having fevers on and off for almost two weeks along with some other symptoms and minor problems. I guess my will to fight against infection and disease, although weakened, hasn't left me. 

I've been thinking about all sorts of things. My two math classes have been causing me a good amount of worry. Thoughts of college applications make me uneasy and uncomfortable. I don't like thinking about the future because I find that nothing in life is certain. Regardless of that fact, I am forced to think about it and have some idea of what I'm supposed to want. 

Being sick wipes a person out and makes them a little...I'm not sure which word to use here. Yesterday, at Johns Hopkins, I couldn't help but think that the exit signs were bleeding. Is that weird? 

I had so much more that I wanted to say about how I was feeling, but now it's just not important. I'll talk about Merlin instead. I'm really enjoying the show. I'm close to finishing season 2. I love how it's so different from the Arthurian legend I know of. It's like nothing at all is the same. That's an exaggeration of course, but for the most part it's totally different. The way you meet the characters and the way they're presented is very interesting. I like how you get to see the characters change and grow throughout the show. I've become quite a fangirl of the show and I'm not ashamed one bit. 

And now I'm out of things to say. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go eat my fridge. Later.

Internet's Back!

I finally got Internet access back. Please stay Internet, I need you. I'm so behind in both of my math classes. I'm doing work for my online class right now. Er, well, I guess I'm on break now. I'm still trying to catch up though. I need some kind of motivation. 

Anyway, I have a urinary tract infection. Hurray! Not really. I'm still extremely bitter about having to take one of my medications twice daily as treatment for it. I wouldn't be so bitter about it if the pill was smaller. I'm also sort of going crazy because I become panicky and feel nauseous at the sight or thought of taking my medication. It's nothing new, but it's really pathetic. I'm complaining, I know. I've just been frustrated. I don't like taking more medicine than I have to, which means stuff like Tylenol. I've been having fevers on and off for about a week along with other symptoms that are just as exciting. Again, not really. I really just want to complain, not to any one in particular though. I just want to complain because I'm tired of feeling this way. I'm annoyed at myself for complaining and for being so weak. I'm not making much sense right now, am I? 

On a happier note, I got to hang out with Sarah and Brittany, which honestly was what I needed. Just being around those two puts me at ease...when they're not scheming or being tricksters that is. I hadn't seen either of them since school ended so it was just nice to see them and talk to them. The three of us have a pretty solid friendship, despite not hanging out and talking often. In fact, it's probably one of the strongest friendships I have. Even though we've been separated by time and distance, we're still friends. Although, I do wonder what was going through our minds when we decided that we were all friends...WORLD DOMINATION! That sounds about right. Can you see my craziness now? 

Before I go, I figure I should mention what's up with me and Netflix. I managed to finish Avatar: The Last Airbender. Then I stumbled upon Merlin, a show that Sarah watches and absolutely adores. After watching only two episodes, I've decided that I like it. It's a beautiful show. It's different from the original story, a lot different. That reminds me, I need to read The Once and Future King. (Well, I've read it before, but not all of it. I've read three-fourths of it.) I've been reading 1984 (Nineteen Eighty-four), since I'm supposed. I have to take breaks from it so I can breathe. It's not that I don't like the book, the words just feel suffocating. They don't feel free and soothing like the way I prefer them to be. They don't flow for me. Maybe it's just me. Maybe I'm just weird.

Well, I've taken quite a break, I suppose. Time to get back to working on math. Fun. I just hope I get this done quickly. That will be quite a task since I love procrastinating on anything and everything I possibly can. 

Did you miss me while I was gone? 

An Eventful Weekend

Yes, I'm going to blab about my weekend. I'm too lazy to split up the days so this will be a pretty lengthy post. I'd also like to mention that I'm not writing this post at my own house. I'm at my father's friend's house right now since our Internet isn't working so I find this situation hilarious. Anyway, time to talk about my weekend. 

On Friday, my father and I left home to go to my eldest brother's house. As usual, we stopped by and ate at a Desi restaurant then headed over to my brother's house. I was dropped off at my brother's house. Shortly after, my sister came over. We ate dinner together. Our father showed up earlier than we thought he would. Not too long after he arrived, my brother's wife arrived at home as well. We all just kind of sat around and had some slight conversation. And then the storm came...the wind was extremely powerful. It made the house shake. I have to admit that I was afraid in the short amount of time that the wind was acting up. Fortunately for us, power didn't go out so YAY!

Saturday was the most eventful day of the entire weekend. My brother's in-laws came over since the power was out. Well, it was really only just his mother-in-law, brother-in-law, niece, and nephew who came over. A little bit after 3, we (my brother, my father, and I) went to Romana's house. Romana roomed with my sister in college so my family is fairly close to her. There were other people there as well. At the time that we showed up at, there were only girls there. I'm pretty sure that most of them, if not all of them, are Bengali, like Romana. So these Bengali people were talking about their two names and I muttered to Romana something along the lines of, "Pakistanis don't understand the two names thing." I meant that jokingly of course. All joking aside, Bengali people are really awesome. Seriously, they're really awesome.

After visiting Romana and eating some good food, we (my brother, my father, and I) went back to my brother's house to get ready for the wedding of a family friend's daughter. Her name is Amna. I realized on Saturday that I really love weddings, but I also really hate them. I love weddings because of the speeches, the food, the Desi music, and the fun. I hate weddings because I have to get dressed up and that annoys me. Sometimes, weddings can be really awkward too. I enjoyed Amna's wedding though. She married a Bengali guy, which I think is really funny and cute...don't ask me to explain that. I actually cried at her wedding during her brother's speech. I couldn't help it, it was so heartfelt. Although, while the earlier speeches were happening, my sister was making jokes and my brother, his wife, and I were laughing because of them. Weddings are always fun when I have my family with me. Going to weddings makes me want to get married and I have no clue why that is...

We arrived home before 12. I think we all went to sleep before 1. I was pretty tired after the wedding. I spent Sunday afternoon hanging out with my sister, my brother, his wife, and Ayyoob, my brother's nephew. (He wouldn't be considered my nephew, right?) It was an entertaining afternoon. I'm getting lazy now so I don't really feel like expanding on any of this. Ayyoob is cute. That's all you need to know.

Oh, I almost forgot to mention one of my highlights of the weekend. I had a nice chat with my brother's mother-in-law on Saturday before we left for the wedding. I got asked about my future. I told her that it's easy for me to just say that I want to be a doctor and that I don't even know where I want to go for college. I told her about what society expects from me since I'm Desi. She said it's different back home in India and Pakistan and that there are really only two career options: doctor or engineer. She spoke of how America is so different, how there are so many different options. The thing is that I'm not interested in much. Teaching is a definite no for me. Law is a no. You'd never catch me in politics. And I can't see myself as a writer. She told me that it's strictly my decision to decide where to go for college and what kind of a career I want to pursue. I guess that's where the problem sets in. I just don't know what I want. Some people have an idea of what they want and some people are indecisive like me. This is why I don't like planning for the future. 

I'm pretty sure I've forgotten to mention something important, but oh well. As you can see, my thoughts are scattered and don't flow too well. Not to mention, I'm far too lazy to say anything more in regards to how this Sunday has gone. Bye for now.