"It is infinitely better to transplant a heart than to bury it to be devoured by worms"

Happy fifth heartiversary to me! (Or as Dr. Kite referred to it yesterday-"have a heart day.") It's hard to believe that it's been five years since I received my heart. I owe my very existence today to my donor family. Without their difficult decision, it's hard to say whether or not I'd be here today. Of course, I also have to thank the wonderful cardiology team, nurses, and other medical personnel I had at Johns Hopkins-specifically Dr. Scheel, Peggy, Kyle, Mike, Verna, and Dawn. I hold a lifetime of gratitude towards my family for their love, prayers, and patience. To the friends I held dear at the time, I thank you as well for your love. And finally, thank God.

It's strange to try to look back and recall the way things were five years ago. I don't have the best of memories for all the obvious reasons-people tend not to remember traumatic events. I was looking through my main email account yesterday and it's like I was reading about someone I didn't know. Rapid-ish weight loss, an inability to eat without feeling the need to throw, an inability to take medication because of that. All of those awful things among many others. Who was that person? I guess it sometimes surprises me that I was dying at 16. I have the scars to prove survival. Six scars in total. The biggest scar running down the center of my chest, also the same one that makes me cry from time to time when I become really aware of it. I wouldn't wish the way I felt or what I went through five years ago on anyone because it's scary, it's heartbreaking, it's traumatizing, it's everything that so many people are afraid of.

As a heart transplant recipient, life can be really hard. It's not easy to accept that your continued existence is because of someone else's loss. I have ugly days where I feel guilty for still being here. I feel guilty that my donor isn't here but I am. And I feel that guilt because I am unsure of whether or not I deserve my place in the world. And all of that makes me feel sad because even though I never knew my donor (and never would be able to), I know she wouldn't want me to ever feel guilty. I keep realizing time and again that I've been very well loved. And with all that love from so many people, feeling guilty becomes so silly. I am so loved, even on the days where I can't see it clearly. I am so loved. Thank you for loving me on days when I could not find it in me to love myself.

Between this heartiversary and last year's, I got my driver's license, survived a summer of constant research and work, and presented at a research conference. I have a bit of a headache right now so I can't think of any other things to add, but I'd say that's not too shabby. I am incredibly grateful to still be here on this Earth. To live and love people for another day, another month, another year. It's wonderful. 

Here's to my fifth heartiversary and hopefully many decades to come!

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To my heart sister, Millie-our Dragonfly family misses you. It won't be the same without you when all of us get back together. But we will honor your memory by being there for each other and holding our own against whatever obstacles we may face. Love you always and forever. Rest peacefully, friend.

"I watched the world go round and round and see mine turning upside down"

Hello, friends. The word 'hello' looks weird to me today. It's been a long while since you've heard from me. I'll be back again shortly after this post to commemorate my five year transplant anniversary, but until then I'll leave you with how I've been.

I can't describe the past few weeks, or maybe month, as anything less than physically, emotionally, and mentally draining. In short, I've been something of a mess and it's starting to show in my academic performance and my general appearance and mood. I guess fall break couldn't come at a more appropriate time for me. I hope I can recompose myself to a better version of myself.

Happiness has been in and out of my reaches lately. And it's been a little lonely as far as my social life goes. I don't have much of one anymore--everyone is too busy, I feel really out of place and disconnected, and I'm too tired to do anything. I spend much of my free time with my professors and with a few friendly familiar faces in HLSB and that's about it. I guess that makes me kind of lame, but I take what kindness, humor, and love I can get.

I took my modern physics midterm exam today...or at least semi-tried to. I feel bad for Dr. Bly because he has to try to make sense out of my nonsense. You might be thinking that I'm being too hard on myself, but I promise that I'm not. All of my answers were complete rubbish. I wasn't prepared enough and it's obvious that I didn't learn anything in the past several weeks even though I should have. But I guess that's the price you pay when you jump off a cliff and try to build your wings on the way down. The worst part is how anxious I've been leading up to this midterm and knowing that it's not going to be okay. I used to think that any one of my chemistry classes was my match, but I was wrong. I've met my match and it's irrefutably physics and always will be. Dark, complicated, beautiful physics.

I'm still nowhere close to figuring out what to do after graduation. A lot of people tell me that it's okay, but that's hard to believe. I'm 21 and I don't have a clue. I used to think that I'd be that type of person who just goes to school for the rest of their life, but I'm not sure I could survive that much schooling.

Yesterday, I asked Dr. Haubrick why everyone believes in me except for me and she told me something along the lines of this: "Fawzia's biggest critic is Fawzia." I told Dr. Cantwell today that I think people overestimate me and she basically told me that they (the professors) are right in the way they perceive me, meaning that it's time for me to change the way I think of myself. I want to believe them so badly, but I just can't get my brain on board. And I really can't get it on board after that physics midterm. That's just not going to happen. I've become really great at disappointing lately.

I've been listening to Genesis a lot lately and went through a brief phase of listening to Sting and The Police. I think it's been helping to keep me in check...either that or it's been contributing to my overall gloominess. And I can't tell which it is today because today has been rough.

Sorry 'bout that. I sound too negative, I know. I know it doesn't sound like I am trying, but I am. I am trying. I'm just tired. Forgive me for the stream of negativity that has become this blog post. I'm just tired.

to be deleted some day

To my first love,

I’m glad that I loved you so strongly once upon a time, but even more grateful that we are still friends. I still love you, but time and distance have made the intensity of the love I felt for you back then less intense. I wanted to tell you about my feelings back then, but I didn’t want to destroy our friendship. I fear that a confession would most assuredly have had dire consequences and I was unwilling to lose you as a dear friend. But I’m pretty sure you knew how I felt from the hugs and how much I wanted to hold your hand and be close to you.

Your way of thinking and existing was fresh and new to me. I had never met anyone with a mind like yours. I learned so much from you. Knowing you made me a more informed person. Loving you made me softer and happier at heart. I still wonder from time to time whether or not you cared as much about me as I did you. I’ve always known that the answer was and still is no. I wanted to impact you as much as you impacted me, but I failed miserably. I’m sorry that I was never able to return the favor.

Please know that I’m not ashamed to have loved you back then, only worried that you wouldn’t want to be friends anymore, which is why I never said anything. I couldn’t have had a better first love. If by some chance you happen upon this note on my blog, promise me that you will place these words into the appropriate context—that is to say that these words, these feelings belong to a time in which I will not go back to out of respect for myself and for you.

Thank you for letting me love you back then and now.