Feelings Figured Out

I'm an emotional person. Some say that I think too much and look into things too deeply. Such is the case with my on/off feelings about the person I like. Through the help of a few close friends, I sorted out my feelings. I'm not in love, but there is someone I care about a great deal. There is someone who is very special to me. I'm only seventeen, too young to truly love and understand what love really is. I'll understand someday. And whatever happens, happens.

Happier Days

Take me back to May, when there were happier days...

June flew by in overall satisfaction.

Then there came July, when illness struck and fatigue stayed by my side. 

As mid-August approaches, a lingering sadness surfaces and takes up residence. 

Take me back to May, when the sadness rarely had a chance to invade...

If You Give a Rabbit a Car...

Does everyone remember If You Give a Mouse a Cookie? If you don't know what I'm talking about, go read it; it's a children's book so it won't take long to finish. Back in elementary school, we had to write our own versions of it. I always laugh at mine because it's so ridiculous. I guess I was a funny kid sometimes. 

If You Give A Rabbit A Car

     If you give a rabbit a car he will ask for the keys to the car. If you give him the keys he will start to drive it. if he starts driving he will crash the car. When he crashed the car he will ask to be taken to the hospital. When he is at the hospital the police come and ask him if he has any license. He will tell them he has no license then he will tell the police that you didn't take him to learn how to drive or to get his license. When the police find out you didn't take him to learn how to drive or get any license they will sell your house and take you to jail. When they take you to jail they say you will be there for 2 years then they ask the rabbit if he wants to learn how to drive. He says yes he wants to learn how to drive a car so the police take him to learn how to drive their car. When they teach him how to drive a car and he gets his license you get out of jail. When you get out of jail you give the rabbit a car to drive.

Props to you if you were able to get through that. I will remind you that I wrote that in elementary school, which is why there are no commas. It's also why it doesn't make much sense, but that's why it's so funny. I hope you didn't suffer too much!

I always wanted to rewrite this...so it had proper punctuation and correct grammar. I never got around to it and probably won't. It's better to leave it as is. The more I look at this, the more I realize that I was kind of an odd child. The idea of the rabbit crashing the car was and still kind of is funny to me. Part of me doesn't like that I find/found it to be funny, but I can't help that I find/found it to be funny. I like how the house gets sold, hahaha.

I was such a weird kid. My sense of humor was strange, and still is.

Did I Really Write This?

I found a paper that I wrote in 8th grade. Reading it now, I've realized that my opinion and the way I feel about who my friends are might have actually changed a bit. I can't believe I'm doing this, but I'll let you read what I wrote back in 8th grade. Keep in mind that it's been a few years since then. Before I start, I'd like to mention that I never titled this paper for some reason. Also, I probably have a ton of mistakes in regards to grammar and such.

     What exactly is a friend? A friend has many traits, both good and bad. Often times the good traits cross out the bad. Good friends are loyal, loving, trustworthy, and they know just how to lift your spirits when you're feeling down.

     Friends who care are always there for you. They may not always understand but they do their best to support you. There's been days when I've been depressed, confused, or angry but my friends were there to sort out my tangled emotions. 

     Can you keep a secret? Secrets happen to be a big part of trust. By telling someone a secret you give them the power to go off and spread a rumor. True friends, however, will keep your trust. My trust has been betrayed a few times before so I don't trust people so easily. 

     Has there ever been a day when you wanted to break down in tears? It's times like those that you really need a friend. Somehow, friends always know how to bring that sunshine out from behind the clouds. No matter how much you cry or what the reason is for you crying, your friends know how to make you smile and laugh. 

     Loyalty, trust, and the ability to make a frown turn upside down are some of the qualities I look for in a friend. Without my friends I might not have made it this far. I'm glad I have the friends that I have. The best thing about my friends is that they love me for me. 

Eeek, there must have been something wrong with me in 8th grade, because I'm pretty sure I'm missing a lot of needed commas. The more I look at this, the more I wonder what was going on with me back then. It's been a few years since I wrote this and I definitely have a lot to comment on, but I won't touch upon every little thing. 

First of all, I don't like how I seem so centered around my friends. I mean, I love my friends, but I place a high importance on my family as well. I guess it just sounds so friend centered because that's what this paper was/is all about. 

Look at how funny I am. "Friends who care..." Let me just say one thing: I can't be friends with someone who doesn't care about me. In any friendship, there has to at least be a sliver of caring present. 

Secrets? Yeah, I have secrets. Trust? Now that I think about it, I don't think I've ever really had my trust betrayed. Trust is still an issue for me though. I consider myself to be a pretty open person, but I am foolish. I am foolish because I trust that people won't hurt me. That's complete folly. People always hurt you, even if they don't mean to. I don't like being thrown away, and I sincerely hope that no one has ever felt that I've thrown them away. 

I'm not good with people who are crying. That's funny because I cry a lot. Some things don't change. My friends are still very good at cheering me up. But I've realized that it's nice to have friends who can make you cry too. I have a friend who is a professional when it comes to making me cry. That friend doesn't even have to try very hard. I like that. 

"I'm glad I have the friends that I have." <---- This hasn't changed, it's still true. 

I probably should stop with all this talk of friendship, but I can't help it. I have so much to say, even though most of it is all the same. Anyway, this paper from 8th grade is kind of embarrassing. I can't help but wonder if I'm still the same as I was then. I don't think I am, but who really knows?

A Moment of Mixed Emotions

There are some moments that cannot be described in words. I am about to try to describe such a moment, but I know I will fail. I will fail because the feelings expressed in the moment won't translate to you. It doesn't hurt to try though. 

Picture this: A group of friends sitting together, talking and laughing about the happenings of the evening and making fun of each other. This moment is broken by very special news. One of the friends announces that she is pregnant. Her husband is sitting on the arm of the long couch right next to her. Her friends ask her questions and make comments. She answers the questions and talks about the way she feels and such. And as this all occurs, her husband is playing with locks of her hair. It's a heartwarming scene. 

In all of the excitement, there is a lingering sadness. One friend is not present at this announcement. It's not because she doesn't want to be there, but because she's been gone for close to 2 years now. She would have been so happy to hear the news. She would have cried tears of joy for her dear friend, making her friend cry as well. Shazia would have been so happy last night, because last night was the engagement party of a close friend and another friend close to her heart made a special announcement.

In every big moment, you can find two different emotions. You just need to know how to feel for both of them. True happiness and true sadness are always easy to find, because they stem from the heart...always. 


Side Note: This post was more for me so that I don't forget the moment. 

Writing Again

Well, here I am for the second time today. I feel like writing again, but I don't have anything to say. Actually, I do, but that's a special post. I'll get to that post after I finish this boring one.

I feel anxious right now. I don't know why, maybe it's because I haven't taken my meds yet. I've started to take them late in the morning and in the evening. It's not good, I know. I don't even take that many anymore, but it's still hard. Oh crap...I totally forgot to take one of my meds this morning. I completely forgot that it was Sunday. I guess it's okay to miss one dose. I mean, I take this missed med only three times a week. I didn't mean to miss the dose. It was an accident and accidents happen. Everything will be okay...right? 

I was planning on drafting my letter to my donor family, but I haven't gotten around to it. I really should have sent them a letter by now. I didn't want to send a letter after only a few months because I was trying to be considerate. The family is always going to hurt, but I didn't want to make them hurt more. It's already been 9 months. I really need to send them a letter before school starts. I hope I hear back from them. I want to know about my donor. I need to know about my donor. 

I've started watching anime again. For some reason, I always take a break from it, but it's entirely unintentional every single time. Getting back into anime has been making me feel sad or maybe that's just life. I don't know. I just feel so sad and so pained as of recently. I wonder if it's because things are changing, maybe that's what it is. It's time for me to stand still and readjust. And then I can sink into my world of impossible fantasies again. 

Feeling Lonely

I've realized that I don't like being alone. Every now and then, I like being by myself. After a while though, it just gets lonely. That's when I start to get cranky and snappy. 

I'm the youngest in my family. While my siblings have watched me grow, I've also watched them grow. I've seen them graduate from high school, college, and pretty much all other schooling they've had. I watched them get jobs. I watched a couple of them get married (not all of them are married yet!) and buy houses. One of my brothers even has a daughter. In the shadows of my loneliness, I watched them grow up and become adults. 

I'm still in high school and still at home. My siblings don't come home as often as they used to so it gets lonely. I didn't really have them as I was growing up. I still kind of don't have them as I continue to grow. They have their own lives now. When I was a kid, I had my cousins and friends from school. That was nice, but I was still alone. I still feel alone sometimes.

I'm not exactly the lone wolf type of person, but I very well could have been. My guidance counselor in middle school was lovely. I liked him a lot. He used to tell me that I need to break out of my shell, that I need to put myself out there. I guess I was one of the quieter kids in middle school. I went through a tough time in 7th grade. I think that might have made me pull back even further within myself. 

If I went back in time, I think I'd probably slap middle school me. Middle school me was depressing and had issues. I'll give myself a break for the beginning of 7th grade. That was a difficult time.

I bet some people are thinking that if I don't want to be lonely, I should just hit up some friends and do something. I do that sometimes and other times I wait to be asked to do something. It's probably just my own fault that I feel lonely. I just need something to do with my life.