Looks

I've been trying to tell myself that looks are not everything. I'm at a pretty fragile state as it is, though I don't dare show it. I'm trying to make a change though, rather than settle directly for losing weight, I decided to stick to eating healthy and exercising daily.

I don't want to feel worthless because I'm not a size zero or because I don't have all the right curves in all the right places. Of course, I don't mean to discourage anyone who is like that. It's not a bad thing to be a size zero or curvy. We're all made differently. In spite of knowing that, I can't accept myself because I don't feel up to society's standards. I wonder though, what do I have to look like to be looked at kindly by society? What do I have to look like to be on par with society's standards of beautiful? When will I be worth something to society?

Recently, a friend and I were talking about all sorts of stuff. He told me that he'd never date an overweight girl and was criticizing a girl in our class for having gained weight since the 7th grade or something. I felt taken aback by what I interpreted to be rudeness on his part. I never knew that he was that shallow. He gave a reason to justify why he wouldn't date an overweight girl, but it made me angry. He's always been such a good natured person up until now so it really shocked me that he would say something like that. He wasn't directing the criticism towards me, but I couldn't help but take it that way. I felt like I had to defend our classmate, because I think she looks great the way she is. Everything will reset like it always does, but I won't forget what he said. (I know I shouldn't take offense since he wasn't degrading me, but it just tore at me inside.)

When I was younger, I don't really remember being told that I was beautiful or being encouraged to do different things very much. I wish I had been. If I have children in the future, I'm going to tell them over and over that I love them, that they are beautiful, that I believe in them, and that they can do anything. Also, I'm going to make sure that they are healthy children. I want my future kids, if I have any at all, to be confident and pleased with who they are at all times during their life. There is no reason for them to feel the need to change to be wanted by society. I would do everything in my power to make sure they don't turn out like me in that respect. I don't want kids to start growing up with the notion that they've got to look a certain way to be loved and accepted.

Looks are not everything. They can't be. I know it's the truth. One of my very good friends, he drew my attention because of his personality, not his looks. I didn't bother with his appearance, because that didn't matter to me; of course, if I had to comment about his appearance, I'd say that he is attractive even though he seems to be dangerously thin. His insides were and are just so beautiful to me. And because his heart is so beautiful, the rest of him proved to be naturally beautiful.

How can you judge someone based on their appearance alone? It seems a bit crude to do so. You don't know what they have been through. A close friend of mine struggled with anorexia years ago back when we weren't as close as we are now. To this day, I know deep inside that she still struggles with it. She's beautiful the way she is, but she can't see it. She is my reminder that no matter how I feel, I can't hurt myself like that. I have a friend who radiates nothing but confidence and optimism, for the most part anyway. She's not a skinny stick, she's really curvy, but she doesn't hate herself for looking the way she does. I love her constant cheerfulness and how she truly loves herself the way she is.    

I can't stop beating myself up in my mind though. I keep comparing the size my thighs to my friends' thighs. I shouldn't be doing that. I shouldn't be so jealous. I shouldn't be so weak. But I am and I'm not proud of it. I can't take my own advice about any of this even though I want to. I won't turn to extreme measures like an eating disorder, but let me be brutally honest in saying that I feel like turning to an eating disorder to fix things even though I know it'll ruin everything. I was telling myself today that I should invest in more hoodies and sweatpants so that I can wear them in college everyday. I also continuously remind myself that the reason I probably will never get married is because I don't look good enough. I need to destroy these thoughts, but it's so difficult to do that since I'm the kind of person who needs constant encouragement. I always make mocking complaints about how girls are so self-conscious, but I'm just as self-conscious as the next girl. I like to put up fronts to make it seem like I'm not, to make it seem like I don't care. But I do care. A lot. 

I'm trying so hard to keep it together. I'm trying so hard to do something to change so that I don't have to feel this way forever. I guess this is an uphill battle. It'll take a while to level off. And I have to win. I don't want to cry anymore.