And so another semester comes to a close. In short, it's over and somehow I survived.
I'm supposed to reflect about how this semester went, but I'm at a loss for words. What do I say? What am I supposed to say? I wonder how I was able to reflect at all last year. I suppose it was easier back then since I was in the process of accepting my place at SU. I'm just going to start typing and see where this goes...
Well, classes definitely kicked my butt. Again. I don't really want to talk about that though. I'll get upset. I've never been so aware of my heart beating inside of me until this week. I was thinking agonizing over Ochem and my heart took off. No other class will cause me such grief or make me hate myself more than I already do. This is a fact. I've honestly never felt more defeated by a class. A lack of confidence can cost you everything. And so the cycle continues.
Anyway, I guess this semester was pretty intense. I've never been so aware of my feelings before. I wasn't happy on most days and I know that it was hard for my friends to deal with. When I'm sad and/or upset, I become very irritable and snappy to the point of rudeness. You either get that or the extremely hysterical side of me, which usually ends up being a mixed bag. I kind of walk around with rain clouds hovering over my head. The rain on your parade? Yeah, that's probably me, sorry about that. In all seriousness though, if any of my SU friends are reading right now, I want to apologize for my behavior. I haven't been good to you guys this whole entire semester and nothing I say can erase or mend that. Break has been much needed for all of us. I'm going to spend break working on myself so that I can be a better person to you guys when you come back.
This was an interesting semester just in regards to who I spent my time around. I sort of became Anne and Osinachi's third roommate, oops. I had the great pleasure of spending a few nights with them. I saw the same group of people almost everyday, which was nice but also very draining after a while. I was really good about making sure I spent time with all of my friends at the beginning of the semester, but then I let my classes swallow me whole. That's definitely the other thing I'm going to work on when classes start up again: balancing my social life, or eliminating it altogether. Who knows how this upcoming semester will go?
All in all though, besides the disappointment and stress of finals AND my emotional instability, it was a pretty good semester. Normally I'd say that I'm looking forward to next semester, but I think I'm just going to enjoy break. I've got a lot of shows to watch and a lot of walks to go on.
Note: The title of this blog post was taken from "Float On" by Modest Mouse
This past weekend, I attended Dragonfly's third teen retreat. Let me just say that it gets more amazing each year. I'm still surprised at how easy it is to reconnect with everyone. We spend so much time away from each other, but we fit together so effortlessly like puzzle pieces. We've also gotten really good at welcoming new people into the family.
We did so many different things this year. On Friday night, Derek, LeeAnn, and baby Emma kicked off our night with an introduction and silly (but fun) icebreaker. Most of our activities take place on Saturday. There was a scavenger hunt, which was absolutely crazy, but still a lot of fun. Come rain, sleet, hail, or snow, we always manage to get time to be outside. I went on the big swing (or the "Swing of Death" as it has been nicknamed) at least three times, if not more. The first time I rode with Becca^2. The second time I rode with Zoofy and Michelle. And the third time I rode with Kelly and Chelsea. And I chopped the rope each time. It was so much fun. I hope to increase my record next year. A group of us ventured off to the high ropes course, which I wholeheartedly passed on. I could barely get through it in dry conditions last year so I wasn't all that eager to try it in the rain. I also passed on the zipline because I didn't really feel like staying out and getting soaked for much longer. We all went to the guest house and had smoothies and kale chips. While we were there, we played a really fun game called "What's Yours Like?" At some point on Saturday, we went to art therapy and decorated pillows and drew in/on our own healing journals. We played the transplant edition of Jeopardy, and that got a little competitive. Earlier on in the day (on Saturday), Tanner, Sarang, and I led the "Risky Behaviors" session. If I'm being completely honest though, Sarang and Tanner did most of the work. Hunzallah was our prime example of what not to do. It was more conversational and casual, which was something that I think we all enjoyed. We also collectively discussed improvements that we can make for Dragonfly as a family and a team. (And if I'm being truly honest, it is going to take a lot of doing, but less so if we're all working together and helping each other out.) This morning, we played the transplant edition of the Game of Life, which was all thanks to Millie. (It was actually supposed to be my responsibility, but she picked my slack, which I'm both thankful and sorry for.) After that, we dispersed to either play in the gym or in the game room. I was going to play in the gym, but instead involved myself in conversation with Valerie, Tanner, and Becca, and later on Millie as well.
I keep thinking of what Becca said on Saturday night. She said that she knows when something isn't quite right with her because she's lost her spark. (I think it applies for her in a figurative and literal sense.) And if I'm being honest, I think I lost mine over this past semester of college, figuratively not literally. But it has returned and it'll stay for a while. I think I'm going to try a little bit harder to stay in touch with everyone, maybe even set up a video chat with a few people if we can.
I have a couple of regrets. My main regret is that I didn't take any pictures and refused to be in a lot of pictures, hahaha. That's relatively easy to remedy and I'll definitely be bugging everyone to take pictures with me next year. My second regret is that it's impossible to record and/or write down every funny thing that someone among us says or does. We had some pretty hilarious moments though, including "It must be something in the name" to the ranch dressing incident at dinner on Saturday night to Derek being hit on the head with a ping pong ball during Charlotte and Sarang's fierce ping pong game to the somewhat offbeat drum line this morning. There are so many moments that we share together and I wish I could capture all of them. I wish I could bottle them all up and let them free on my bad days.
Dragonfly means so much to me, so much that I don't know what I would have done with myself without it. I knew that there were other heart transplant recipients out there in the world, but I never knew that there were so many who were as young as I am. Before Dragonfly, I never knew about pulmonary hypertension. I'm glad that I'm more aware today than I was three years ago. It's a really nice change of pace to be with my Dragonfly family. I needed to get away from home and college and the retreat is always the perfect opportunity for that. I know that I can count on my Dragonfly family. Wherever I go, I know they're with me. And wherever they go, I'm with them. Nothing will ever change that. I love you all.
--------------------------------------- A few little things to add: -To Justine: We love and miss you so much. You are in our thoughts, prayers, and hearts. Your Dragonfly family will always be there for you.
-To Bre, Darby, Missy, Rachel, and all those who have previously attended the teen retreat, but were unable to make it this year: We missed you so much and hope to see you next year.
-Also this weekend, we had the pleasure of celebrating for two people very near and dear to me. On Friday night, we wished Millie a very happy birthday. And last night, Saturday night, we congratulated Tanner on his fourth heartiversary. Much love to you both. Here's to many more years to come. -If you have the time, please visit the Dragonfly Heart Camp website (http://www.dragonflyheartcamp.org) and like the Facebook page (Dragonfly Heart Camp Inc.) If you'd like to make a donation to Dragonfly Heart Camp, you can do so through the website. Thank you for your support.
