Reevaluating

I've been watching too much of House, M.D. again. I know that I am because I'm reconsidering in the back of my mind. I'm still as unsure now as I've always been about what I want to do in life, who I want to be, and the like. When I was younger, it was easier to tell people that I was going to be a doctor so that I could help people. It wasn't a lie or mere convenience, it was the honest truth at the time. Back then, I had no perceptions about careers of any sort. Now that I'm older, I know better. I'm never going to be House, which is a relief and a tragedy at the same time. The TV shows exaggerate everything, but the paperwork and hours. 

I wonder what it's like to be someone who knows exactly what they want to do in life and how to get there. A few of my friends have gotten to that point and I'm happy for them. But I feel alone, like I'm being left behind. Osinachi once told me that I shouldn't settle for something just because I don't mind it. She said that I should feel passionate about what I'm studying, have some kind of emotional investment in it, but I'm indifferent to it all. I feel like I'm mindlessly studying for a nonexistent future. No, I don't mean that in the morbid sense. Any passion that I have for a subject comes from others, except for microbiology. Yeah, lectures weren't the most thrilling and I did have a handful of bad days in lab. The surprising part was that I wasn't entirely incompetent in microbiology lab like I was in every other science lab I had been in up until that point, including the ones I was taking at the time. Or maybe I was just as incompetent but didn't notice because I had fun. Fun. 

Getting back to my point now, I stumbled upon was inspired by House and as a result I looked up 'phlebotomist.' It led me to a website full of health professions. If only I could be a phlebotomist. I'm too shaky though. I don't know if it's a side effect of the medications or not, but it's the only logical explanation I can think of. I think everyone else around me must believe that I get extremely nervous in labs or something. Labs can be crazy and intimidating, but it's not why I shake. I'm honestly not that nervous. It's a little unfair because then everyone thinks you're an incapable fool. (Or at least that's what I think people are thinking of me.) Anyway, other careers that sounded interesting to me: blood bank technologist, clinical lab tech, perfusionist, and pathologist. (I guess blood is a commonality between all five in one way or another.) I'm still not sure why I'm a chemistry major. If there was ever a calling for me, it's probably in biology not chemistry. I know that much about myself, but I've been through too much chemistry to back out now. I wanted to believe that if I took enough chemistry classes that I would find my niche, but I don't think I will. Somehow I have a very strong feeling that biochemistry and physical chemistry aren't going to suddenly produce some emotion in me. I won't get back the past two years of college, but I can still try to fix this.