In CPD today, we discussed the results of the CliftonStrengths assessment that we were supposed to have taken prior to class. I'll be honest, I was simultaneously surprised and disappointed with my results. There are a total of 34 strengths, but we only got to see our top 5. Each strength fell into one of four domains: executing, influencing, relationship building, and strategic thinking. And while getting all of my top 5 strengths in one domain doesn't mean I don't have strengths in the other domains, it still made me feel insecure. All of my results fell into relationship building domain. My strengths were as follows: connectedness, empathy, developer, harmony, and adaptability. I want to believe that all of those are representative of me as I currently am, but I don't know that they are. Rather, I think that it's partly a reflection of who I hope to be.
But then something amazing happened after class. I went to chat with BVT for a little while. We talked about a few different things, but in everything that he said today, there are two things that I will remember for a very long time. One, how he got into his field of pharmacy practice, which is cardiology. And two, that he believes relationships are the important thing. I didn't know that I needed to hear that until he said it. I've lived my whole life basically craving human connection, so much so that it's bothersome to people around me. I have promised myself more than several times over now that in whatever time I have left on this earth that I will genuinely love and care about as many people as humanly possible. There's something very fulfilling about connecting with others around you. One of my favorite things is getting to know people.
Even though all of my strengths according to the CliftonStrengths assessment are in the relationship building domain at this point in time, I still have time to grow. Maybe the next time I take the assessment, I will get a different set of strengths. I'm a work in progress, a painting that is not quite complete, a puzzle that is not yet put together.
Thursday, October 4, 2018
Saturday, September 22, 2018
Soft Memories
It's past midnight now. I'm listening to music. And I'm remembering some very soft moments from undergrad. The softness and sadness in the music is adding to the way I'm feeling right now. I haven't decided whether that's good or bad yet.
What am I remembering? I'm remembering moments which at the time weren't so wonderful, but I can now look back on them quite fondly. I'll never forget being walked to the counseling center after physics during senior year- that was a rough year for me in more ways than one. When I think back to that moment now, I can't even recall what I was so upset about. At the time, I felt guilty because I had made someone worry about me and it was the last thing I wanted to do. But I also didn't feel worthy of that worry.
The worst days were the ones that I sat alone and cried. Freshman year for sure. Sophomore year probably. Junior year and senior year, people hugged me as cried. I cried a lot in undergrad. I made a list of all the times I cried at school when I was in undergrad. At some point though, I forgot to update it and add to it so I let it be.
But I remember the good moments too. Me sitting in Kite's office quietly studying or doing homework while he graded quizzes or exams. Now that I think about it, I don't know that there were as many quiet days as I'd like to believe. Silly/playful conversations, serious conversations, meaningful conversations, I probably had every conversation possible in that office. Those days were more or less peaceful. I miss them a lot.
The best days were the days when I was able to hang out with more than one professor. They were all in the same hallway. Those were the happiest days, I think. They had the same things to offer- love and kindness and encouragement. But they all showed it in different ways, not always with words. Two mugs of tea, chocolate bars, crushing embraces, ice creams, affirmations.
I'm as emotional now as I was back then. It's a bad thing. It's exhausting to me and bothersome to everyone around me. Even I get sick of me. Pharmacy school is a rollercoaster ride. I need to stop procrastinating now.
What am I remembering? I'm remembering moments which at the time weren't so wonderful, but I can now look back on them quite fondly. I'll never forget being walked to the counseling center after physics during senior year- that was a rough year for me in more ways than one. When I think back to that moment now, I can't even recall what I was so upset about. At the time, I felt guilty because I had made someone worry about me and it was the last thing I wanted to do. But I also didn't feel worthy of that worry.
The worst days were the ones that I sat alone and cried. Freshman year for sure. Sophomore year probably. Junior year and senior year, people hugged me as cried. I cried a lot in undergrad. I made a list of all the times I cried at school when I was in undergrad. At some point though, I forgot to update it and add to it so I let it be.
But I remember the good moments too. Me sitting in Kite's office quietly studying or doing homework while he graded quizzes or exams. Now that I think about it, I don't know that there were as many quiet days as I'd like to believe. Silly/playful conversations, serious conversations, meaningful conversations, I probably had every conversation possible in that office. Those days were more or less peaceful. I miss them a lot.
The best days were the days when I was able to hang out with more than one professor. They were all in the same hallway. Those were the happiest days, I think. They had the same things to offer- love and kindness and encouragement. But they all showed it in different ways, not always with words. Two mugs of tea, chocolate bars, crushing embraces, ice creams, affirmations.
I'm as emotional now as I was back then. It's a bad thing. It's exhausting to me and bothersome to everyone around me. Even I get sick of me. Pharmacy school is a rollercoaster ride. I need to stop procrastinating now.
Wednesday, July 18, 2018
Walk With Me
I love going on walks around my neighborhood. It gives me time to reflect, to imagine impossible scenarios, to remember who walked these streets with me. It's nostalgic and bittersweet, cathartic in a way. I think about all of the people in my life that have never walked my neighborhood with me. I picture what it would be like. There's nothing impressive about my hometown and yet there is something about it that provides such solace.
It's winter in this memory of mine. I slipped on some ice in front of the Indian shop where my sister, our mum, and I would go to buy samosas. I laughed it off with whoever I was with, but I'm sure it hurt to have fallen. I can no longer remember if it was just with her or if someone else had been there. That hardly matters now though.
Sometimes, if I close my eyes for a moment as I walk down Main Street from the park, I can imagine him riding his bike alongside me in the most unsafe manner. I valued his company back in high school. He understood something that none of my friends could because it was the one thing we had in common. Was it springtime, I wonder?
Summer now and I walk with my sister. I forget why we got into the habit of walking for a few days. Up and down Main Street in this town we grew up in. We stop at what practically passes for the Star Trek insignia and I take her picture. We are happy. I point out a Vietnamese place across the street next to a place that I once knew to be called 'La Priscilla.' It must have gone out of business because I don't see it anymore.
Summer again and an evening walk with my cousins and their parents. I think I took a picture of my aunt and uncle holding hands as they walked. I thought it was sweet, something worthwhile to reassure myself that love exists in this world. Dimly lit lights showed us the way back. It was dark by the time we all made it inside.
What did they call that ridiculous snowstorm of 2010? Snowmaggeddon, I think it was. My dad was outside doing his best to shovel a narrow path in our driveway, but the snow was at least a foot high. The end of the driveway always accumulates the most snow, which is the worst. Snow plows would come by and move a portion of the snow from the road into the driveways. I went out walking with the twins that day. The sun was shining, I didn't wear a coat. The snowy wonderland produced some beautiful photographs that day.
I'm on the phone with my best friend of 12 years. I'm crying and mourning a friendship that I've lost. I explain the situation to my best friend. She finds it ridiculous and unfounded. But I blame myself anyway and continue to do so for the next few months, and even on occasion blame myself today. I tell her that I'm biased so of course she would side with me. She doesn't blame me and I feel a tiny bit of relief, but still carry a small bit of guilty. If only. This is a walk I go on by myself, but I am not alone.
This one is happier. I walk around the neighborhood with a friend on a mission to discover where our biochemistry professor lives. We eventually find a car with an SU sticker and our curiosity is satisfied. But I have long since forgotten and won't go looking again. On another walk, or perhaps it is the same one, we meet an eccentric woman who offers us popsicles. Her dog is named Rufus. I have forgotten this too. It is a strange day.
My father walks ridiculously fast, I think maybe he always has. Walks with my father have revealed hidden surprises in this town I claim to know so well. We discover fruit that has fallen from the trees by the park. On another day, he points out a shortcut that I should have discovered on my own. As a result, I try to be more observant when I can be. But sometimes I'm too absorbed in my own thoughts and the music.
I can't recall the many other walks I've been on at the moment, but each and every walk is as significant and insignificant as the one before and the one to follow. Sometimes I walk just to remember.
---
If you lead, I will not follow you. If I lead, I will not wait for you. Walk with me, beside me, hand in hand until the end.
It's winter in this memory of mine. I slipped on some ice in front of the Indian shop where my sister, our mum, and I would go to buy samosas. I laughed it off with whoever I was with, but I'm sure it hurt to have fallen. I can no longer remember if it was just with her or if someone else had been there. That hardly matters now though.
Sometimes, if I close my eyes for a moment as I walk down Main Street from the park, I can imagine him riding his bike alongside me in the most unsafe manner. I valued his company back in high school. He understood something that none of my friends could because it was the one thing we had in common. Was it springtime, I wonder?
Summer now and I walk with my sister. I forget why we got into the habit of walking for a few days. Up and down Main Street in this town we grew up in. We stop at what practically passes for the Star Trek insignia and I take her picture. We are happy. I point out a Vietnamese place across the street next to a place that I once knew to be called 'La Priscilla.' It must have gone out of business because I don't see it anymore.
Summer again and an evening walk with my cousins and their parents. I think I took a picture of my aunt and uncle holding hands as they walked. I thought it was sweet, something worthwhile to reassure myself that love exists in this world. Dimly lit lights showed us the way back. It was dark by the time we all made it inside.
What did they call that ridiculous snowstorm of 2010? Snowmaggeddon, I think it was. My dad was outside doing his best to shovel a narrow path in our driveway, but the snow was at least a foot high. The end of the driveway always accumulates the most snow, which is the worst. Snow plows would come by and move a portion of the snow from the road into the driveways. I went out walking with the twins that day. The sun was shining, I didn't wear a coat. The snowy wonderland produced some beautiful photographs that day.
I'm on the phone with my best friend of 12 years. I'm crying and mourning a friendship that I've lost. I explain the situation to my best friend. She finds it ridiculous and unfounded. But I blame myself anyway and continue to do so for the next few months, and even on occasion blame myself today. I tell her that I'm biased so of course she would side with me. She doesn't blame me and I feel a tiny bit of relief, but still carry a small bit of guilty. If only. This is a walk I go on by myself, but I am not alone.
This one is happier. I walk around the neighborhood with a friend on a mission to discover where our biochemistry professor lives. We eventually find a car with an SU sticker and our curiosity is satisfied. But I have long since forgotten and won't go looking again. On another walk, or perhaps it is the same one, we meet an eccentric woman who offers us popsicles. Her dog is named Rufus. I have forgotten this too. It is a strange day.
My father walks ridiculously fast, I think maybe he always has. Walks with my father have revealed hidden surprises in this town I claim to know so well. We discover fruit that has fallen from the trees by the park. On another day, he points out a shortcut that I should have discovered on my own. As a result, I try to be more observant when I can be. But sometimes I'm too absorbed in my own thoughts and the music.
I can't recall the many other walks I've been on at the moment, but each and every walk is as significant and insignificant as the one before and the one to follow. Sometimes I walk just to remember.
---
If you lead, I will not follow you. If I lead, I will not wait for you. Walk with me, beside me, hand in hand until the end.
Wednesday, May 30, 2018
2/8
My community pharmacy IPPE rotation has come to an end. It's hard to believe that four weeks have passed. When my rotation first started, the end felt so far away. Now that it's over, I feel very sad about it. I'm a very sentimental person and I form attachments quickly and easily, but I never really expected to feel this way about my rotation. Somewhere in my mind, I've told myself that if I don't cross off Friday, May 25th, from my whiteboard calendar that's on the fridge then my rotation won't really be over. It is over though and although my heart still feels heavy I'm working on getting over it. I'm fortunate to have had such a wonderful preceptor, rotation site, and experience. I have a lot of improving to do, but I know what I should focus on as well as what I'd personally like to focus on.
I somehow, by the grace of God, survived the second semester of my P1 year. I got one more A than I expected and I passed PK. I spent a lot of time worrying about passing PK so it felt really good to know that I had passed. Passing PK means that I can hold my position in SNPhA as Mental Health Awareness Chair and rush for PDC in the fall when school starts. I'm looking forward to beginning therapy modules this upcoming semester. I know that they will be difficult, but I'm ready to give it my all. After a year of pharmacy school, I sort of know where I stand and where I need to improve academically. Ready to take on the world/get an A- I'm looking at you, cardiology module.
Pharmacy school has been really good for me so far. I don't know that I've necessarily grown a lot as a person, but I think I'm a little more outgoing than I used to be. I do try to put myself into situations where I have to be more social and interactive. I make more efforts to volunteer for things than I ever did in the past because I told myself that I would be better in pharmacy school. The things that I do may not necessarily have a lot of impact in the grander scheme of things, but my willingness hopefully says a lot about me. I have been and am very loved by the people around me in pharmacy school. Sometimes I wonder if my friends really understand the depth of my gratitude towards them and how genuine my love is for all of them. I love my friends and my fellow pharmacists to be very much. On the whole, I still feel that everyone is supportive of each other and always willing to lend a helping hand, and I'm truly grateful for that. I've experienced a lot of firsts and I'm happy to have experienced them with wonderful people. And I can't wait to keep experiencing more firsts with them.
P1 is done, P2 here we come!
If you missed it, here is my reflection post about the first semester of pharmacy school: 1/8
Tuesday, April 17, 2018
Procrastination, Contemplation
I should be studying right now, but I am continuing my procrastination for just a little bit longer to reflect on the semester a little bit. I plan on hopefully getting a decent bit of studying done tonight even though all I want to do is sleep.
I really don't know where to begin so I'll start with today. We had our last PK lecture of P1 year today and got cookies at the end as a treat. I was pretty cranky during class because I was worried about my exam grade. I needed to do so well on this past exam because I really put myself in a bad situation earlier on in the semester with PK. At the very least, I can be proud of myself for improving in PK- each exam grade has been higher than the last. Maybe I can continue the trend for the final exam if I'm lucky enough. The ability to do well and understand is somewhere inside of me. PK was my Achilles heel this semester, but it really didn't have to be if only I had given myself the time. I have one more chance to prove myself this semester. And I never go down without a fight.
I went to see 'A Quiet Place' this afternoon with Amanda, Christian, Sandrine, Jasmine, Cloud, and Dan. It was an okay movie with some more than okay people. I was only a little bit disappointed by the ending. It seemed like a lot of trouble for the way it ended. Still, I appreciated the suspense/thrill of it all.
The more time that passes of pharmacy school, the happier and sadder I become. It's like when I was back at SU and couldn't imagine myself anywhere else but there. Well, it happened again. And it keeps happening in more than just my education, it happens at work too. Change has always been what I'm most afraid. With summer approaching, I'm worried that things will change, that I will lose everyone. It's a constant and irrational worry, but maybe it's time for me to leave it up to them. I'll still be here as I have been with outstretched hands waiting to be held and to hold.
I wonder when we all started falling into place. I appreciate that we mingle with each other. Everyone has their own usual crew, but our bonds with each other on the whole are pretty strong. There's always a kind word to be said, a laugh to be shared, love to be given and reciprocated. The support was there from the beginning and it continues to grow. It's a lot easier to believe in yourself, to love yourself, when other people do too.
Thank you for being there to lift me up when I put myself down.
I really don't know where to begin so I'll start with today. We had our last PK lecture of P1 year today and got cookies at the end as a treat. I was pretty cranky during class because I was worried about my exam grade. I needed to do so well on this past exam because I really put myself in a bad situation earlier on in the semester with PK. At the very least, I can be proud of myself for improving in PK- each exam grade has been higher than the last. Maybe I can continue the trend for the final exam if I'm lucky enough. The ability to do well and understand is somewhere inside of me. PK was my Achilles heel this semester, but it really didn't have to be if only I had given myself the time. I have one more chance to prove myself this semester. And I never go down without a fight.
I went to see 'A Quiet Place' this afternoon with Amanda, Christian, Sandrine, Jasmine, Cloud, and Dan. It was an okay movie with some more than okay people. I was only a little bit disappointed by the ending. It seemed like a lot of trouble for the way it ended. Still, I appreciated the suspense/thrill of it all.
The more time that passes of pharmacy school, the happier and sadder I become. It's like when I was back at SU and couldn't imagine myself anywhere else but there. Well, it happened again. And it keeps happening in more than just my education, it happens at work too. Change has always been what I'm most afraid. With summer approaching, I'm worried that things will change, that I will lose everyone. It's a constant and irrational worry, but maybe it's time for me to leave it up to them. I'll still be here as I have been with outstretched hands waiting to be held and to hold.
I wonder when we all started falling into place. I appreciate that we mingle with each other. Everyone has their own usual crew, but our bonds with each other on the whole are pretty strong. There's always a kind word to be said, a laugh to be shared, love to be given and reciprocated. The support was there from the beginning and it continues to grow. It's a lot easier to believe in yourself, to love yourself, when other people do too.
Thank you for being there to lift me up when I put myself down.
Saturday, December 30, 2017
1/8
I meant to write about this past semester a lot sooner, but I've pushed it off because I am a procrastinator. I was sick during the two most important weeks of the semester, pre-finals week and finals week. Oddly enough, it didn't take long for me to get better as soon as I got home. Maybe I'm allergic to Richmond or maybe I am subconsciously a lot more stressed out than I think I am. Whatever the case is, I just have to tough it out for the next few years like everyone else.
This first semester of pharmacy school has been quite a rollercoaster ride if I'm being honest. In the beginning, I had no idea what I was doing or what was happening. The same is still true, but I'm not entirely alone in my cluelessness. I find that beginnings are almost always lonely and endings are almost always sad. I've always had a hard time with change and being surrounded by new faces at a new school in a new city was terrifying. I wondered if I would ever fit in with the people around me, if I would ever feel comfortable in this unknown place. It's funny how you can't pinpoint the exact moment you become friends with someone or the moment when you realize that you're comfortable enough to be yourself, but it always happens sooner or later in a new environment. It's only a matter of time before you see the new people around you as something precious, something worth holding onto, something worth loving. I never expect that to happen to me, but it always does. It's nice to be in a place where people on the whole genuinely care.
Emotions aside, I really let the ball drop academically this first semester. Despite some disappointments grade-wise, I'm still rather grateful that my GPA didn't sink below a certain point so I'm not completely down in the game, but I'm almost certain that I'll be out of the running for Rho Chi when the time comes. Let's just say that I learned my lesson and hopefully learned it well enough to not repeat the same mistakes next semester. I'm ready to be a better student. I owe that to myself and my classmates.
This first semester of pharmacy school has been quite a rollercoaster ride if I'm being honest. In the beginning, I had no idea what I was doing or what was happening. The same is still true, but I'm not entirely alone in my cluelessness. I find that beginnings are almost always lonely and endings are almost always sad. I've always had a hard time with change and being surrounded by new faces at a new school in a new city was terrifying. I wondered if I would ever fit in with the people around me, if I would ever feel comfortable in this unknown place. It's funny how you can't pinpoint the exact moment you become friends with someone or the moment when you realize that you're comfortable enough to be yourself, but it always happens sooner or later in a new environment. It's only a matter of time before you see the new people around you as something precious, something worth holding onto, something worth loving. I never expect that to happen to me, but it always does. It's nice to be in a place where people on the whole genuinely care.
Emotions aside, I really let the ball drop academically this first semester. Despite some disappointments grade-wise, I'm still rather grateful that my GPA didn't sink below a certain point so I'm not completely down in the game, but I'm almost certain that I'll be out of the running for Rho Chi when the time comes. Let's just say that I learned my lesson and hopefully learned it well enough to not repeat the same mistakes next semester. I'm ready to be a better student. I owe that to myself and my classmates.
Sunday, November 19, 2017
Happy
It's funny how quickly we adjust to new environments, how quickly we love the people around us. It feels strange to look back to August because I'm not that lonely, sad, lost individual anymore. That doesn't mean I never feel that way, but I don't feel it as strongly as I once did. If someone would have told me back in August that I'd have so few days of feeling unloved or feeling like I don't belong, I don't know if I would have believed them. But it always works out that way, doesn't it? It's a blessing to feel as loved and as at home as I have felt over the past two months. Everyone says it goes so fast and that you become a family, how is it that they're always right? The first semester is almost over. I'm going to be so bored without them, but I'll survive somehow. I always do.
With the end of this semester not only comes an unforgiving cold with the possibility of snow, but also final exams, which I'm not too thrilled about. The first semester of P1 year hasn't necessarily been terribly difficult, but it has been an adjustment. It's an adjustment because we've had 10 classes, two of which have ended. Eight more finals to go! I haven't started studying yet, still working up to it, but I figure it's okay if I start organizing myself tomorrow. Mondays are for begrudgingly being productive.
I really appreciate and enjoy going to school and living in Richmond. I like it a lot because I live within walking distance of school so I'm at least getting some exercise. Living in a city feels so different from a small town and yet it feels the same. It's different because it's still unfamiliar territory but it's also become home away from home. I don't think that's really the doing of the city though. I think home, as cheesy as it sounds, is wherever love can be found. So really, home is everywhere.
I've reached an interesting point in life where I don't really know where I'm going, where I'm going to be years from now, who I am, or who I'm going to be years from now, but I know that I'm in the right place with the right people at the right time. I am happy, to be here, to love, and be loved in return. That's all for now.
----
Side note: here's the link to my realization of belonging in pharmacy school --http://dreamingforpeace.blogspot.com/2017/09/its-funny-how-our-perceptions-can-be-so.html
With the end of this semester not only comes an unforgiving cold with the possibility of snow, but also final exams, which I'm not too thrilled about. The first semester of P1 year hasn't necessarily been terribly difficult, but it has been an adjustment. It's an adjustment because we've had 10 classes, two of which have ended. Eight more finals to go! I haven't started studying yet, still working up to it, but I figure it's okay if I start organizing myself tomorrow. Mondays are for begrudgingly being productive.
I really appreciate and enjoy going to school and living in Richmond. I like it a lot because I live within walking distance of school so I'm at least getting some exercise. Living in a city feels so different from a small town and yet it feels the same. It's different because it's still unfamiliar territory but it's also become home away from home. I don't think that's really the doing of the city though. I think home, as cheesy as it sounds, is wherever love can be found. So really, home is everywhere.
I've reached an interesting point in life where I don't really know where I'm going, where I'm going to be years from now, who I am, or who I'm going to be years from now, but I know that I'm in the right place with the right people at the right time. I am happy, to be here, to love, and be loved in return. That's all for now.
----
Side note: here's the link to my realization of belonging in pharmacy school --http://dreamingforpeace.blogspot.com/2017/09/its-funny-how-our-perceptions-can-be-so.html
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