It's past midnight now. I'm listening to music. And I'm remembering some very soft moments from undergrad. The softness and sadness in the music is adding to the way I'm feeling right now. I haven't decided whether that's good or bad yet.
What am I remembering? I'm remembering moments which at the time weren't so wonderful, but I can now look back on them quite fondly. I'll never forget being walked to the counseling center after physics during senior year- that was a rough year for me in more ways than one. When I think back to that moment now, I can't even recall what I was so upset about. At the time, I felt guilty because I had made someone worry about me and it was the last thing I wanted to do. But I also didn't feel worthy of that worry.
The worst days were the ones that I sat alone and cried. Freshman year for sure. Sophomore year probably. Junior year and senior year, people hugged me as cried. I cried a lot in undergrad. I made a list of all the times I cried at school when I was in undergrad. At some point though, I forgot to update it and add to it so I let it be.
But I remember the good moments too. Me sitting in Kite's office quietly studying or doing homework while he graded quizzes or exams. Now that I think about it, I don't know that there were as many quiet days as I'd like to believe. Silly/playful conversations, serious conversations, meaningful conversations, I probably had every conversation possible in that office. Those days were more or less peaceful. I miss them a lot.
The best days were the days when I was able to hang out with more than one professor. They were all in the same hallway. Those were the happiest days, I think. They had the same things to offer- love and kindness and encouragement. But they all showed it in different ways, not always with words. Two mugs of tea, chocolate bars, crushing embraces, ice creams, affirmations.
I'm as emotional now as I was back then. It's a bad thing. It's exhausting to me and bothersome to everyone around me. Even I get sick of me. Pharmacy school is a rollercoaster ride. I need to stop procrastinating now.
