And So Begins The End

I'm in Web Tech right now, supposed to be working in Publisher, but I suddenly got the urge to blog. The feeling like I need to say what I'm thinking. Today marks the beginning of the 4th and final quarter of my senior year. It's an ending as much as it is a beginning, for me and my fellow classmates. 

I'm actually having a pretty good morning and day so far. I expected it to be awful because of calculus, but I was wrong. It turned out to be a calm, easygoing class period for a change. It made me happy. We were reminded by Mrs. Berry that the 4th quarter has begun. 

I have mixed feelings. I'm very happy that it's all coming to an end, but I'm sad at the same time. I've been seeing the same people for so long, some for more than four years, but I know that we can't stay this way forever. It's almost time to go. It's difficult for us to accept that this is really going to be the end. We will never walk the halls of Sherando as students ever again. 

It tears me up inside actually. I'm trying to be really indifferent about graduation, because I promised myself that I wouldn't be sad. I want to be happy that it all happened. All of these people I've met and loved along the way, I have to be happy for them. It's not going to do any good to dwell on the time I've spent here at Sherando. 

It's not over yet though. I still have time. And while I still have time, I'm going to make it count for something. I'm going to make it last.

"Heaven forbid you end up alone"

I need to be honest with myself...so I'm blogging. (Deepak, you happy now?) Those who know me well enough already know that this is going to be a somewhat gloomy post, but I think it's progress since I'm finally admitting that there is a problem. I need to change. 

I typically have a low self-esteem. The people who truly know me inside and out can attest to that. Self-esteem often differs depending on the goings on, but I'm usually pretty down on myself. Of course, I have my own silly reasons for being this way. My self-esteem goes hand in hand with what I believe my self-worth to be. I wonder how many people have been able to sense my perception of my own self-worth because I don't know how strongly it shows through.

Like I said, I have my reasons for these negative feelings. If I'm being honest, I really don't believe in myself and I really don't believe I'm worth anything. I never have. I don't want that 'never have' sentiment to become 'never will.' My reasons include things like my appearance, my personality, and my intelligence level. All three of those things are my fault and mine alone. 

Ever since middle school, I've hated the way I look; I don't think appearance mattered much to me in elementary school. I feel like I don't fit society's standards of what a beautiful woman should look like, and it really sucks. It sucks to go around and think that everyone is judging you because you're huge and not visually appealing. Am I starting to sound self-pitying right about now? My apologies, I am sincerely trying to change that part of myself though by eating well and exercising daily. Change won't happen right away, but at least I'm trying. 

A lot of people seem to like me, but I honestly can't understand why. According to many people, I'm the nice and quiet type. Yeah, I guess I can agree with that. But there's this one thing that spoils my personality: my lack of confidence. I explained my lack of confidence to a couple of teachers and they thought it was somewhat comical so let me relay it to you now. I basically stated that I have no confidence in all situations so that if by chance something good happens then I can pleased with myself and feel good. When it comes to bad things happening, I'll still feel bad, but at least I had it coming. (I suppose that last bit is the funny part.) 

And last but not least, my intelligence level. People have this belief, even without knowing me, that I am intelligent. You might be thinking that I should just shut up and take it as a compliment whether it is true or not. Truthfully, I don't see myself as intelligent. In fact, what is it that people base intelligence on? I've often wondered that. I met someone a few years ago and I thought he was brilliant, but he did so poorly in school because he didn't really care. I don't think intelligence can be measured on school smarts or street smarts, or even an IQ test. What makes you better than the person next to you anyway? Anyway, back to my point, I don't view myself as intelligent purely because I don't want to become arrogant. I have my own moments of arrogance and I don't like them. I'd rather be a humble person. However, I need to accept that certain things come easier for me than they do for others, and vice versa. 

Even transplantation didn't "fix" me. I still don't feel worth it most of the time, but I want to feel worth it for her. She keeps me from truly destroying myself. I sometimes think about her and tell myself that I'm going to be happy for the both of us. I want to be confident for the both of us. I owe her that much. I'm not only living my own life, I'm living hers too. (I know a lot of people would love to argue about that with me, but unless you're a heart transplant recipient, you can't possibly understand.) Or rather, she is living within me and continuing her life through me. Either way, that's why I have to make these seconds, minutes, hours, days, weeks, months, and years worthwhile. 

I kind of do want to talk about the song lyrics in the title. "Heaven forbid you end up alone" is from a song called Heaven Forbid by The Fray. (I am listening to it on repeat as I write this post.) I don't know the intended meaning of the song or for what purpose the song was written, but I have my own attachment to it. 

Heaven Forbid by The Fray

"Twenty years, it's breaking you down
now that you understand there's no one around
Take a breath, just take a seat
you're falling apart and tearing at the seams
Heaven forbid you end up alone, you don't know why
Hold on tight, wait for tomorrow, you'll be alright"

That bit is only the beginning part of the song, but every time I listen to it I can't help but feel something click. I don't want to be alone because of the way I perceive myself. If I keep this up and really let my self-pitying and insecure self rule over my life, I will end up alone. I know that I will relapse over and over again, but as long as I do my best and hold on, I know I can change. I need to start believing in myself like others do. I need to come to the realization that I am as brilliant as the next person.

I think I've sort of strayed away from my overall point, but oh well. I'm just trying to accept myself, change what I can, and work on being happy. It's much easier said than done, but I know I can do it if I work at it.

Pi Day

Well...Tomy blogged and Sam has blogged. So methinks I should blog too. Hi!

Today is Pi Day (3.14)! Unfortunately, I didn't have pie today, but would have liked to. Instead, my Calculus classmates and I were given a test, which I'm certain I failed badly. I made up a Calculus quiz that I had been dreading for the longest time ever. I'm sure I made a few mistakes, probably more. I felt pretty good about it, but I know I shouldn't since that probably means I failed. I have zero confidence when it comes to Calculus, or math in general these days. 

The rest of the day went fine. I felt horrible during second block, but it's no different than usual. Calculus always makes me feel. It's rare if I ever feel good after Calculus. Although, I did manage to get a bit of work done in Web Tech, which was a pleasant surprise. It seems that I will be back on track by next week. Nothing really special happened for the rest of the school day. 

After school was a different story. After my quiz, I went to the library to see what Book Club was up to since Sarah and Libby suggested that I drop by. Well, the Book Club meeting was just ending. (I always wanted to be part of Book Club and still do.) I was surprised to see that Joel was a member. I never knew that he was so it was a really nice discovery. I was also surprised at his demeanor. He was exceptionally kind and eloquent. It's always amazing to me when I'm able to hold a conversation with someone that I rarely talk to or associate with. Joel, Morgan, and I are so cool that we discussed our favorite pie in honor of Pi Day. We're cool. 

Not much else to report on my end for now. I'm really excited for tomorrow though: Beware the Ides of March. (Joel and Morgan understand my excitement.)

There will be an update of all the things I've been watching (and maybe even reading) in the next few days or week to come. Netflix is fun! :D

An Update of All Things Netflix, Anime, and Manga

By the sound of this blog post, everyone will be aware of just how much time I've been procrastinating. Anyway, I have a lot to update on. I think I'll start with the Asian stuff first. 

Okay. Korean dramas. I finished watching 49 Days, which was absolutely gorgeous and so well done. It had an amazing story line and I just loved the idea of it. It was extremely depressing and made me cry. It had numerous themes: life, death, love, friendship, betrayal, etc. The main character died when it wasn't her time and was given a second chance to live again by inhabiting the body of a woman and trying to find three people who truly love her, outside of her family. Her goal was to collect tears from those three people. It made me wonder about who truly loves me, outside of my family. It made me think about life and death a lot more. It made me curious about what true love feels like. 

I've also watched and finished You're Beautiful and Heartstrings, both of which star Park Shin-hye and Jung Yong-hwa. In all honesty, while I did enjoy You're Beautiful, I liked Heartstrings much more. I really enjoy shows where the relationship between the main girl and the main guy is one of dislike. And then as time passes, the relationship begins to blossom into something more and the characters realize they have feelings for the other. I wonder if that ever happens in real life. Anyway, both dramas involved music. I think the reason why I liked Heartstrings more was in part due to the fact that Park Shin-hye and Jung Yong-hwa's characters get a second chance at love. It also felt more comfortable and easier to relate to since it developed in a college setting. Although, I did like how all three guys end up falling for Park Shin-hye's character in You're Beautiful. Still, Heartstrings moved me more. 

I don't ever usually watch anything outside of Korean stuff, when it comes to dramas and movies, but I somehow ended up watching a Taiwanese movie called Miao Miao. I actually really liked it. It wasn't an action movie. It was a soft movie with the major themes being friendship and love. It was sweet and bitter at the same time, a nice depiction of the beginning of the emotional journey that is life. 

I'm currently in the process of watching a Japanese movie called Rainbow Song. I really like it. It makes me sad inside though, because it's basically one of those movies where a guy and a girl who are friends end up falling for each other and neither one has the courage to say that they care about the other. Then, they lose their chance forever. I haven't actually finished it yet, but it makes me regret not saying, "I love you" when I should have, especially in the moment when I knew that I'd never get the chance to say it again. 

Onto anime now. I haven't actually been watching anything as of recently since I've been so focused on K-dramas. I did discover that one of my friends from camp, Breanne, likes anime too. That makes me happy because I can add one more thing that the two of us have in common. :)

As for manga, I recently finished After School Nightmare. It was interesting and different than the usual stuff. I liked it. I read and finished Legal Drug and started the ongoing continuation of it called Drug & Drop. I also started Blood C. I love my CLAMP! Watanuki shows up in D&D. I was so happy! I love Watanuki. Kohaku, from Kobato, also appears. It makes me very happy to see them. 

While I have been watching the K-dramas and movies on Netflix, I've been watching a couple of TV shows. One of them is a Canadian cartoon called Ruby Gloom, which I absolutely love. It's a gothic style cartoon, but the main character Ruby Gloom is so positive. The show is really funny. I'm glad that not that many people know about it, but it still makes me sad though, because people won't get to experience the awesomeness that is Ruby Gloom. 

And now for the grand finale! A little while back ago, I thought I'd check out Doctor Who. I finished the third episode of the first season recently. I'm currently asking myself why I wasn't watching it before. I really really enjoy it. It's amazing. I'm glad my curiosity got the best of me. I found a treasure and I'm not backing out now.

I haven't finished Merlin yet, even though it's over and done with. I also haven't finished a couple of Korean dramas, Summer Scent and Autumn in My Heart. Right now though, I want to focus on Doctor Who. 

Yes...this is what my spare time consists of. Don't judge me. 

People

People are strange. They are never what you expect them to be. I should know that by now. I'm amazed and fascinated with the people around me. I feel so much for them, especially for the ones who are struggling with something. How have they managed to be strong for so long? People think I'm strong, but compared to the people I've met, I feel as though I pale in comparison. 

People hide so much. They keep so much inside. It's just not healthy. I worry for some of the people that I know. What's going to happen to them when they break? I can't let them break. The sad truth is that when some people break, they can never pull themselves back together. I don't want that to happen to anyone. 

I want people to realize that I do care. Yes, I'll admit that I am a nosy person and I'm extremely curious, but I'm not crude and heartless. I don't give good advice, or rather I suck at it. But I'm always willing to listen. It makes me feel good to hear other people talk about what they are dealing with. It puts things into perspective for me. 

I just want to help people. I don't know how I can, but I want to nonetheless. I want people to trust me. I want to be one of the "good guys." 

Farewell

Mr. McKenzie 

A man I never knew,

A teacher I never had,

A man loved by many,

Whose years were so few.

Today, during last block, those who were at Sherando learned of Mr. McKenzie's death. Mr. McKenzie was a social studies teacher at Sherando. And now, he is gone. I have no emotional attachment to him whatsoever, but his death is still saddening. It's strange to think that my classmates and I will never see Mr. McKenzie again, right at the end of sociology, and the school day, on Day 2s. It's weird because his classroom is right across from Mr. Walker's and we used to see him every other day. He was there last week and that's part of why it's so shocking. I didn't know him, but I knew of his existence. He was here.

Mr. McKenzie even came into our class one day to help Mr. Walker with a psychology/sociology related experiment. We were supposed to state in detail what Mr. McKenzie had been wearing and what he did while in the room. I don't even remember much anymore. I could have sworn that the tie he was wearing at the time was patterned, but it wasn't. His tie was a plain green. He spoke to one of my classmates, opened the blinds, erased something from the whiteboard, and supposedly saluted before he left the classroom. I'm sure I'm missing something, but I can't remember anything more. 

By 4 o'clock, there were very few people left at school. I feel like that rare occurrence had, in some part, to do with Mr. McKenzie's death. And so the school was deserted, like a ghost town. Even the sky looked gloomy, like it wanted to cry. It's weird to say or think that he is gone. 

I don't know the cause of his death. I've heard rumors all around. Even if those rumors are true, I won't take back these words. I will not be one to judge Mr. McKenzie in who he was and how he lived. That's not my place.

Farewell, Mr. McKenzie. Sherando will miss you. 

May your beautiful soul rest in peace. 

  

It's Been A While

I haven't been blogging as much as I used to. Life has been pretty busy for me. It's starting to calm down a bit though. Let me catch you up. 

First, I think we'll start with school. School is getting really bothersome. I have senioritis. I like my high school, but I'm done with it. I'm ready to move on. I'm sure I'll miss it, but I'll come back someday. As for my performance in school right now, I'm doing well in everything except for physics and calculus. Although, I am making waves in calculus by getting help. It took me a long time to try to get help, but it's not too late for me. I'm still struggling with it, but I know I can get back up to where I should be. As for physics, it's completely beyond me. 

Now for my extracurricular activities. I haven't been going to MAT, but I hope to return this week. It's been so long and I miss the kids a lot. I hope they still remember me. FBLA is going well, don't have much to report there. ACADEMIC TEAM! Oh, how I love Academic Team. We've done really well for the season and next up is districts. This past week, we had three former members come to see matches: Elizabeth, Deepak, and Abhinav. It was really nice. As for NHS, I am making waves by trying to get a couple of big projects kick-started in spite of not being an official officer. In all honesty, I probably should have been an FBLA and NHS officer. I do have one regret in regards to extracurricular activities, I wish I had gone for Academic Team in my sophomore year like Mrs. Adams-Legge told me to. I think that's probably one of my biggest regrets of my high school years. 

Life in general is good, I suppose. My health has been fine, except that I've gained weight. I definitely plan on doing something about that. It's nice outside today so I'm going to go on a walk eventually and listen to music with my big headphones. I also have homework to do as well, unfortunately. 

I went for a walk yesterday and took some pictures. The pictures I took were of the street signs. I felt kind of sad. I'm eventually going to be moving from this little town of Stephens City. I've never lived anywhere else in my life. And even though there is nothing special to do here, I'm still attached to this place. I lived my whole life here. I don't want to forget this place. My house...I can't imagine it ever being sold, but it's going to happen eventually. I don't know if I can handle that. Towards the end of my slow walk, I started listening to Regina Spektor's 'The Call' repeatedly. 

                                                              "The Call"

It started out as a feeling
Which then grew into a hope
Which then turned into a quiet thought
Which then turned into a quiet word
And then that word grew louder and louder
'Til it was a battle cry
I'll come back when you call me
No need to say goodbye

Just because everything's changing
Doesn't mean it's never been this way before
All you can do is try to know who your friends are
As you head off to the war
Pick a star on the dark horizon and follow the light
You'll come back when it's over
No need to say goodbye
You'll come back when it's over
No need to say goodbye

Now we're back to the beginning
It's just a feeling and no one knows yet
But just because they can't feel it too
Doesn't mean that you have to forget
Let your memories grow stronger and stronger
'Til they're before your eyes
You'll come back when they call you
No need to say goodbye
You'll come back when they call you
No need to say goodbye

I probably have more that I'm forgetting to say, but this will do for now. I'm already starting to feel sad again.