I'm tired, but it's worse than usual, I think. I'd rather stay in bed under the covers than wake up and meet the day. I'm in one of those moods that I used to fall into when I was in undergrad. I thought I would feel better with October being over, but November feels just as heavy. I feel drained, I feel empty. I feel like there's too much and too little all at once. I feel undone, I feel lost.
Sometimes I feel like I don't even know where I am, even though I am fully aware of where I am in the back of my mind. I don't physically or mentally feel present today and I don't expect to be present tomorrow. Everyone is here one second and gone the next. I can feel the people I care about growing out of me, I can see their disappointment in my lack of growth. We all move on at some point, right? I feel stuck, I feel alone.
I keep contemplating what it means to be enough, to do enough. I come up with the same answer every time and I wonder if that will ever change. I already know that I don't do enough, I've never done enough. I always wanted to make a difference in the world. I always wanted to have a lasting impact on the people around me, but I've never been able to influence anyone. Sometimes I wonder if people even see me or if they even know my name. Sometimes I wonder if I'm even real. I feel unseen, I feel unheard.
I don't know how to be strong like everyone else because I've always been weak. I don't know if I'm okay, but I'm here. I don't know much of anything these days.
I'm tired.
